“Is this Men on the Move Moving Company? Great. I have a small problem. Okay, it’s not small. But it is a problem. I have a ‘hype sleeper’ sitting here and I’m trying to move sixteen posts in front of it. You can handle the job? That’s great! Can I get hyphens between each post too? I can? Wow, you guys are lifesavers.” *comes in to see* Hype-hype-hype-hype-hype-hype-hype-post-sleep-hyper. What the hell is this?! I wanted sixteen posts in front of hype sleeper! Not this gobbledygook! So, Taijuan Walker flashed some of that post16-hype sleeper business last night — 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks — to lower his ERA to 4.28. It was an easy matchup (vs. Angels), but it still showed why year after year I keep going back to Walker. He is talented. Can anyone say seventeen posts for 2017? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Nelson Cruz – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 36th homer. Member when he was Nelson Cruz Jr.? I just Googled him and he’s now listed as Nelson Cruz Sr. That’s so much weirder than Kendry to Kendrys.
Nori Aoki – 2-for-3, 3 runs and a homer, hitting near-.350 in the last week. He has two-thirds of his homers on the season in the last week! Okay, maybe easy on the exclamation since he only has three homers total.
Noah Syndergaard – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.43. I say go ahead and give him the Cy Young. Not because he’s been better than every other NL pitcher, but because he’s dodging injury landmines in the Mets’ rotation better than Princess Di. This was a matchup of potential playoff contenders. Of course, the Nats won’t be starting A.J. Cole (5 IP, 3 ER) in October, instead Scherzer and his mixed match, demon eyes. They’re coming for you, Mets! From the time I started this blurb to the end, I suddenly became a Nats fan. In all seriousness, between the abuse the Mets put on their pitchers and Dusty, Syndergaard and Scherzer may start every game of the playoffs, no matter how many rounds they go or no matter what team is playing. “That’s weird, Scherzer is pitching now for the Dodgers.” Dusty does the John Cena “You can’t see me” thing with his hand, but he means it as in, “You can’t see me to ask me to take you out of the game.”
Jacob deGrom – Him and Steven Matz could both return on Sunday. For those that have ‘between the lines’ blindness or are simply daft, the Mets aren’t playing a doubleheader on Sunday.
Danny Salazar – Done for the season, but could come back for the playoffs. In the preseason, the Indians’ pitching staff appeared to be the most similar to the Mets’, and that comparison has held. Unfortunately.
Jose Quintana – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.05. Quintana put a stop to the backsliding of his ERA. Kirk Cameron must’ve saved his pitching soul.
Adam Eaton – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI. I’ve mentioned him five times in the past three days. Don’t make me force feed you Eaton.
Danny Valencia – 0-for-4. The A’s announced that Valencia is expected to finish the season with the team. Not sure the point of this announcement by the A’s, but I can guess. They didn’t think the point was heard loud enough when they released Billy Butler for getting beat up by Valencia. Nope, they wanted to make sure they were not misunderstood and floated it out there to Butler that Valencia is still totally fine.
Jharel Cotton – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.50 thru two starts. Jharel, Jharel! Put on that Bobby Womack! My main takeaway from watching Cotton: he’s tiny, yo. If you streamed him, which I wouldn’t have done, then it’s time to look elsewhere because his next matchup doesn’t get easier.
Khris Davis – 1-for-4 and his 37th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. He seems to be underappreciated like the word underappreciated because my spellcheck doesn’t know it. You know under, you know appreciated, let me compound shizz!
Ryon Healy – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer, and his third homer this week. Hot schmotato alert!
Danny Duffy – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.15. Five baserunners, two homers allowed? You gotta be FIP’ing kidding me!
Jarrod Dyson – 2-for-5 and his 27th steal. Doesn’t it seem like no matter how many ABs Dyson gets in a season he always gets to just around 30 steals? Said the guy who is going strictly on memory and not bothering to open Dyson’s player page to see his stats.
Robbie Ray – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.55. Ray in theory is so much better than Ray in reality. I will call him Sobbie Ray-ality.
Brandon Drury – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer. If I told you to pick him up after he homered on Monday, what do you think I’m gonna say now?
Jean Segura – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 13th and 14th homers. Hey, this got me thinking, whatever happened to Au Shizz’s power?
Wade LeBlanc – Pirates acquired him from the Mariners. This Pirates’ acquisition is just another in a series of parlor tricks for Ray Searage. We get it, Searage, you can make mud float, get a new hobby!
Gerrit Cole – Done for the season with elbow inflammation. He’s hurt? No way! Hard to tell from his 7,000+ ERA results. This is going to be a tough call next year. I’m sure the Pirates will say he’s 100% in March, whether he actually is will be another thing entirely.
Ivan Nova – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.41 on Pirates. What you say about Searage, foo’? I’d still look at Stream-o-Nator for Nova, which shows an okay next matchup.
Roman Quinn – 2-for-3, 2 runs, hitting .400. If you need speed, don’t sleep on Quinn. Not simply because he looks bony and uncomfortable.
Alec Asher – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (3 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 1.46 thru two starts. I was going to say that next year I would hold more starts to stream in September because offense is always down in September. That’s confirmation bias. I just quickly looked at runs scored per month and runs aren’t down in September. I will say this about September streaming, there’s fewer surprises. You have a solid grasp on which matchups are favorable and which are not.
Jonathan Villar – 1-for-3 and a slam (16) and legs (54). He has a legit shot at being top five for all of fantasy on the Player Rater. That’s no small feat like the bowling alley that doesn’t cater to dwarfs.
Keon Broxton – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .244. That was his 2nd homer in four games. If you got your Broxt off, I’d get my Broxt on again.
Chris Carter – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 34th homer, hitting .224. No field can hold him. Not even Sally Field. He’s too big, she’d collapse under his weight.
Dan Straily – 8 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.81. If you heard the podcast yesterday, you heard me briefly think Finnegan was a homeschooler, then I realized he was not. It’s Straily, I confused the two. Straily’s home ERA is near-2.75.
Joey Votto – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .318. In the 2nd half, he’s hitting .421 in 190 ABs with 10 homers. As the Canadians say, that maple syrup is Thicke’r than Alan.
Ken Giles – 1 IP, 2 ER, and his 4th blown save. Since I don’t have Jon Niese’s face, I’m not cutting off my nose to spite my face, and I will hold Giles, but in 44 1/3 IP on my fantasy team, he has only 10 saves, and I’ve had him the entire time he’s had the job.
Jose Altuve – 3-for-4 and his 24th homer. Do you know how improbable this season is? Altuve is the size of a Travelocity gnome!
A.J. Griffin – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.78 vs. Brad Peacock – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.70. Surprising to see Alfredo Jettucine not get creamed. Peacock not getting creamed is more understandable, something to do with the vas deferens.
Albert Suarez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.20. Yeah, a’ight, and it was against the Padres, so what’s it to you? Nothing! That’s what!
Angel Pagan – 2-for-5 and his 11th homer. 2nd homer this week for Pagan. Or should I call him devil worshiper?!
Hunter Strickland – 2/3 IP, 4 ER. I’m gonna go out on a 150-year-old oak limb and say someone else might get the next save for the Giants. Right now, I have Cory Gearrin. You could say I’m *pinkie to mouth* Gearrin up! Sergio Romo might also see some saves.
Kevin Siegrist – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save, ERA at 2.91. We (me) don’t know when Oh will be returning, but I (you too, hey!) would grab Siegrist.
Aledmys Diaz – 2-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .315, as he gets his first start since his return from the DL. I get the sense that Matheny is going to split time between Diaz and Wong. As long as he doesn’t simply split Wong *shudders*.
Brandon Moss – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer. Hey, Moss, August called and said it wants your hot bat back!
Jason Hammel – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Hammel needs a Mean Joe Greene tunnel moment where Hendricks gives him his jersey and a Coke. Hammel looks completely lost at the worst possible time, and I would not start him in any league again this year. Not worth waiting for him to come around.
Dexter Fowler – 1-for-3 and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Fowler ain’t chicken.
Stephen Souza – 1-for-1, 3 runs and his 17th homer. He’s been hot schmotato’ing for about a week, and I had him on my team, but I dropped him prior to yesterday’s game for Markakis. I’m officially overmanaging.
Kevin Kiermaier – 1-for-3 and two steals (17, 18). He’s going for September Player of the Month honors, which is almost as highly regarded as SAGNOF Man of the Year award that I give out after the season ends.
Julio Urias – 3 2/3 IP, 0 ER and moved to the bullpen following this start. Why? Cause he’s young and the Dodgers are trying to limit his innings. Stop being so cUrias!
Aaron Judge – Strained his oblique and is likely done for the year. I.e., Hear me, hear me, Judge will be on the bench.
Gary Sanchez – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer, hitting .331. Don’t even look at Judge, Gary, you’re liable to get whatever funky funk is contaminating his wonderful!
Drew Pomeranz – 2 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.60 on the Sawx. I keep saying I don’t trust Pomeranz on the Sawx. Hopefully you’ve listened to me. You didn’t? Aw, shucks. Come here and I’ll comfort you. Figuratively! Get out of here!
Jonathan Schoop – 3-for-5 and his 24th homer. Schoop, there it is, which is what I say when I find my ice cream scooper.
Matt Wisler – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER. So, what you’re saying is you’re still injured? Okay, got it. Loud and clear.
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 30th homer. Not sure how Freeman got to 30 homers, but I have some ideas. Wait, that’s a Freemason. Carry on.
Matt Kemp – 1-for-4 and his 31st homer. Someone mentioned the other day that for someone with 30+ homers, Kemp has one of the all-time worst WARs. I will call him Vietnam.
Ichiro Suzuki – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting near.450 in the last week. I know it’s ridiculous, but a hot schmotato knows nothing of ageism.
A.J. Ramos – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 35th save. If there was any question, Ramos is the Marlins’ closer again. Hey, Rodney, don’t let the door hit you, where the good Lord split ya!
Matt Boyd – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER. The Regression Fairies don’t want you to win your H2H league, or wear flannel with plaid unless you’re a lesbian.
Kyle Gibson – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.08. Yeah, just the way the ‘no one’ drew it up in the ‘get the hell out of here.’
Jorge Polanco – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .298, as he bats 2nd. Polanco hasn’t done much lately, nor has his more formal brother, Gregory, but Jorge’s worth cyclops’ing.
Trevor May – Shut down for the season. He had a 5.27 ERA this year in relief, so he’s an early front-runner for offseason hardware for the Twins’ best pitcher of the year award.
Jose Berrios – Paul Molitor said he’s not sure if Berrios will remain in the rotation. Sure, damage has been done to the kid’s psyche, why not add insult to injury by pulling him from the rotation with two weeks left when games don’t matter. Also, the Twins announced they were looking to hire “a Theo Epstein type.” Hilarious. Sounds like they’re trying to pick up the nerdiest girl on Tinder. “Enjoys lively debate about politics and looking for a Theo Epstein-type.”
Miguel Sano – Will miss a few games with back pain. He said he’s felt this pain for a few days now. So, back back pain. One more and he’ll be Chris Berman describing pain to his chiropractor.
