Evidently, Corey Kluber made some sort of promise to the city of Cleveland too, and not just to Kl-Uber Drew Carey home any time he sees him drunk-wandering in downtown Cleveland. Yesterday, Kluber went 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, lowering his ERA at 3.59. So, I’m going to get completely unscientific, then scientific, then mix the two, Grey says sounding like Don Herbert. (If you knew who Don Herbert was, you are old and a nerd.) Unscientifically, Kluber will have an ERA around 3.60 this year. He’ll throw a gem, get the ERA down to 3.40, then throw a stinker and the ERA will rise. It will go on like this all year, because that’s what he’s done so far. Then he will figure out if he drops his arm angle a little, due to the earth being flat, it will add more spin and he’ll have an ERA under zero in September. Again, that was unscientific. Scientifically, his peripherals looks as good as any previous year. His velocity is a notch off previous seasons, but his 9 K-rate, 1.9 BB/9 and 3.27 xFIP are excellent. So, he should be better than he has been, and could end up with a 3.20 ERA with 250 Ks. Now, to mix the two methods, Kluber will match his 3.27 xFIP, and on off days, picket Phil Collins’ house with Carl Everett, with a sign reading, “The Book of Genesis Doesn’t Have Liner Notes.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Michael Brantley – Received another opinion on his shoulder and this time he heard it was tendinitis in his biceps. It’s gonna start getting awkward for Brantley because soon he’s going to have seen every doctor in Cleveland and will need to start seeing another doctor in the same office, which is almost as awkward as running into an ex with your current girlfriend. “Brantley, are you due back already for more tests.” “Um…I….Uh…Was just stopping in to read the latest issue of Golf Digest.”
Jose Ramirez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .292. This was his first homer since May 23rd and he’s hitting around .240 with three steals in June. In other words– Actually, no, those words will work.
Juan Uribe – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, and 4th straight game with a homer. Three games ago, I said he hits homers in bunches and to grab him. So far, I haven’t heard one person ask to pick him up. Will someone please at least ask? C’mon, as Carl Everett will tell you, Eve was created from part of Uribe!
Steve Pearce – Hit the DL with a strained hamstring. That leaves the Rays with an outfield of Jaff Decker, Desmond Jennings and Taylor Motter. Or if you’re into reggae, Desmond, Decker and You Can Get Them If You Really Want.
Blake Snell – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (3 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 2.40. I wouldn’t say an easy matchup (in Cleveland), especially now that they shook off the Ernest Byner curse. Poor guy, he just wanted to introduce the world to Super Dave Osbourne, the least annoying Osbourne by a mile. *intern whispers in my ear* Turns out that was John Byner. Thanks, intern! Freakin’ know it all! What’s that? Know-it-all is hyphenated? Oh, get out of here! So, Snell looked fairly meh. Compared to Chris Archer? He looks amazing! But he goes to Baltimore next, and I don’t trust him fully.
Stephen Strasburg – Says he should be good to go for his next turn through the rotation. Saying specifically, “I just don’t want to make the same mistake I made last year and have it become a long-term thing. I just want to nip it in the bud, and get ready for the next one.” Strasburg is also the first non-80-year-old to use the phrase ‘nip it in the bud.’ Andy Griffith called and he wants his idiom back.
Jonathan Papelbon – Played catch yesterday. This sounds like run-of-the-mill news, but it’s actually incredible. From all we know about Papelbon, how did he find someone to play catch with him?
Danny Espinosa – 2-for-3 and his 13th homer, and third homer in his last ten games. Dot dot dot. And I picked him up again. I’ll likely only hold him for another game, then in his 2nd game after that he’ll homer again, but at least I’m aware of my problem.
Tanner Roark – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.18. He was winning the entire game. The Dodgers barely got past first base through the sixth inning. Then I went to eat a popsicle, and Grandal hit a 3-run homer off Roark. Was I enjoying the popsicle too much, universe? You had to punish me? Why can’t I have two nice things simultaneously?
Julio Urias – Will make one more start after today. Is it me or are the Dodgers counting down Urias’ starts like they’re Ryan Seacrest on New Year’s Eve? We get it, Urias will be limited. We don’t need a daily update.
Yasiel Puig – 1-for-3, 1 run as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Sorry I was late for the meeting on the overdependence of meetings in the workplace, I was meeting with HR.”
Jacoby Ellsbury – Out with a stomach bug. That’s the last time he signs a sponsorship deal with Volkswagen.
Ivan Nova – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.18. PBS Nova is more fun to watch.
Didi Gregorius – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and hitting over-.400 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Charlie Blackmon – 2-for-5, 3 runs and his 9th and 10th homers. His first homer, the leadoff homer down the line, looked like it went maybe 280 feet with a little extra help from wind and a short fence. The fence was like the OJ jury helping Blackmon.
Nolan Arenado – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer. Bad day to work at a feather factory because here comes The Torenado!
DJ LeMahieu – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th steal, hitting .324. For the first time since we started Razzball, Rudy and I completed a fantasy trade. I’m not going to build it up too much, because it’s perhaps the most boring (boringest?) trade that has eve graced a transactions page. I sent him Carlos Estevez for DJ LeMahieu. I needed batting average and he needed saves. For those keeping track at home, yes, this is the 2nd Rockies closer I’ve traded in the last two weeks. Don’t even make me pick up Jason Motte.
Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.33. Why did Gray look so beautiful yesterday? I ask myself that every single day. Likely because it was a favorable matchup, according to the Stream-o-Nator, and his next one is not.
Starling Marte – Left yesterday’s game with foot discomfort. Time for a prayer oval.
David Freese – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .295. Nice, glad to see him doing well. Where’s my vitriol from Hurdle batting Freese cleanup? I don’t have any as long as Polanco is in the top of the order. See, amenable.
Conor Gillaspie – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, as the Giants exploded for 15 runs. With Duffy on the DL, I Gillaspie a replacement for deep leagues. Then, I Gillaspie Meg Ryan’s new face, and bawl uncontrollably.
Angel Pagan – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer. That ball was a Pa-goner! What? No good?
Taijuan Walker – Diagnosed with foot tendinitis. He could hit the DL still, but the M’s are going to see how he responds to rest and wearing the Curry Two’s.
James Paxton – 7 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 14 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.34. He isn’t some velocitease like Eovaldi who is a Speedy Gone-K-Less. Paxton throws 98 MPH and I want to own him everywhere.
Fernando Rodney – 1 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 0.34. Finally, the child proof seal has been broken!
Derek Norris – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. He has nine homers?! Why on earth do I own Travis d’Ohno?!
Clay Buchholz – 5 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.83. I actually started him in one league, which seems ill-conceived in hindsight. Or simply like I was thinking with my hind.
Tim Anderson – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .292. You waiting until someone else picks him up before you try to pick him up? That kinda defeats the purpose, or if you’re a Sea World employee, defeated porpoise.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-3 and his 20th homer. Ye-ouch, that was an ugly slump he’s emerging from — zero hits last week and now hitting .200. If you can buy him low, I would, he’s not this bad.
Chris Sale – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.83. For the last four years, each preseason I would say some variation of Sale could win the Cy Young one of these years. Winning 20+ games will go a long way towards that.
Adam Wainwright – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.73. He’s been solid recently, which is good so he doesn’t need to phone into dozens of morning sports shows.
Matt Holliday – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Super psyched that I owned him in multiple leagues where I had no option but to hold him. Like Han Solo, I was forced to do the right thing.
Colby Lewis – You think you’re jinxed? Do you? Well, guess what, hotshot, you’re not as jinxed as I am. Colby Lewis, who hasn’t pitched less than five innings in any start this year, and most recently had 8 IP and 9 IP gems, was streamed by me yesterday. So, naturally, he left the start with triceps cramps after giving up six runs in five innings. I’m so jinxed, if I produced Beyonce’s next album it would be her worst album of her career and not sell. Okay, maybe not best example since I’ve never produced music before and I’ve been told I’m tone deaf.
Jurickson Profar – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .345. Ah, I see why people were asking to drop him yesterday. He’s not hitting over .400. Shame on him!
Raisel Iglesias – 2 IP, 0 ER as he was activated from the DL and will move into a middle relief role. There’s talk of him becoming the closer. The talk goes like this: Random person who owns Raisel in fantasy, “I hope he becomes the closer.” Random person in fantasy overhearing, “Hmm, yeah, Raisel could be the closer.” Third person overhearing, “Raisel’s gonna be the closer!” Yeah, Raisel is closing in a game of telephone.
Jay Bruce – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .282. Bruce was doing nearly this well last year in the 1st half and then went on to have a historically terrible 2nd half. I wouldn’t be surprised to see the same this year. Don’t just sit there, sell!
Zack Cozart – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .284. He’s gonna be one of those guys that we look at at (stutterer!) the end of the year and wonder why we didn’t own him, and, even knowing that, you can’t bring yourself to pick him up. See, I can read your mind. Though, I’m having a hard time figuring out why you still own all of those Big Johnson t-shirts.
Aaron Nola – 3 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 4.11. Which, ya know, sucks. No doubt, Gwen Stefani. But — and it’s a J. Lo-sized but — Nola’s peripherals are beautiful, and I would try to hold onto him. I know, easier said than done. Actually, not true. Just don’t drop him. Frank Voila!
Maikel Franco – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer. He’s on pace for 25 homers. Seriously, your waiver wire options are that good that a 25-homer 3rd baseman with upside is droppable? C’mon.
Tommy Joseph – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. That’s eight homers in 31 games. The Sloppy Prorater says, “That’s a 40-homer hitter.”
Peter Bourjos – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. His last name from French roughly translates to “Bore the crap out of youse.”
Albert Pujols – Sat out yesterday with an ankle issue. He said, “That’s what happens when you get old.” That and what the hell is a Snapchat?!
C.J. Cron – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. Cron was filling in for Pujols. Weird, usually Cron’s pours out of Pujols.
Hector Santiago – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.99 vs. Collin McHugh – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.70. Both of their pitching can be described as, “Where in the world are Collin/Santiago’s decent pitches?”
Carlos Correa – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, and third homer in the past five games. That’s not the strike zone, that’s the demarcation zone and Correa says stay out!
Jose Fernandez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.36. I don’t believe in drafting aces, but can I draft Jo-Fer right now for 2017?
Jace Peterson – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he hit leadoff. With Mallex sidelined for a while, Peterson could get a chance to shine at the top of the Braves’ lineup. Okay, maybe not shine as much as a dull finish with a few scratches like your Impala.
Jose Bautista – Diagnosed with turf toe. He’ll be in a boot for two weeks and will be on the lookout for Trump trying to build a golf course on his toe.
Peter O’Brien – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. You ever have this happen to you with a player? I want O’Brien so bad in my leagues, I’ve looked to see if I could pick him up once a day for the last week and every time I see that he’s already owned. Must be a combination of being an only child and stupid. A deadly combination!
Yasmany Tomas – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. He has three homers in the past four games. Will Yasmany hit yes many? Seems improbable, I’m probable to pick him up still.
Patrick Corbin – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks in Toronto. Sonavabench! What an effin’ schmohawk this guy is. I start him everywhere up until last night and collect his stupid, godforsaken near-5 ERA and then he has a Quality Start in Toronto. I hate you, Patrick Corbin.
Devon Travis – 1-for-4 as he was moved up to the two hole. About time. Took longer for him to reach the two hole than an 85-year-old with an under active thyroid who’s out of prunes.
Yoenis Cespedes – 2-for-4 and his 18th homer, hitting .284. I honestly thought Yoenis was going to be a huge bust. Not like Billy Butler or Matt Adams or Morganna, but like every Mets’ free agent signing of the last 35 years. Hasn’t been the case.
Bartolo Colon – Left after taking a line drive off his wrist. Frequent commenter, ashtray, posed a question yesterday, and I decided to poll the masses. As you can see, the polling is very close.
Would you prefer to fight?
— Razzball (@Razzball) June 21, 2016