Stashed Orlando Arcia in a few of my deepest leagues back in March. What a waste. Well, 59 games left — guess that’s something. If he Lindors. No idea why he hadn’t been called up until now. Milwaukee’s 3rd base position has been bratwurst casings all year and Jonathan Villar plays shortstop like the guy who hacks the meat to fill those casings. Were the Brewers afraid Arcia would’ve been too confused by the fact Will Smith was white? Did they need to first move Jeffress due to language stipulations? “Wait until we trade Jeffress — he might hurt his tongue saying the R’s in Orlando Arcia’s name. Remember Higuera hit the DL when he yelled Robin Yount.” If the Brewers didn’t drag their heels worse than the kielbasa in the sausage race after he bet five-large on the chorizo, I would’ve had Arcia months ago! *takes deep breath* Okay, I’m good. So, what can we expect from Arcia? A little pop and solid speed — think Jean Segura or Villar over the course of the final two months. Yes, I’d grab him if I were hurting at shortstop. Speaking of hurting at shortstop (DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!), Trevor Story hit the DL with a torn UCL in his thumb, and will be out for the season. Colorado already has DL forms with SS written in. Just have to cross out Tulo for Story. Save that piece of paper for rolling! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jon Gray – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.77. But if you figure out his “Actual ERA for a Coors Starter if They Weren’t in Coors,” he has a “Games Without Frontiers” by Peter Gabriel. Hmm, I might need to work on my equation.
Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-3 and his 16th homer. This is the 400th (maybe 5th) time I’ve mentioned him in the last two weeks. I’m done. Grab him or don’t. Your choice (after asking me if you should pick him up).
Jonathan Villar – 3-for-4 and his 40th steal. For those worried Villar’s shortstop defense would mean the end of his playing time, no worries. He’ll just botch plays at 3rd base!
Hernan Perez – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 19th steal. Nope, he won’t be benched with Arcia coming up either. Makes you wonder if the Brewers were playing a fielder short the whole year. They were, at 3rd base.
Julio Teheran – Hit the DL with a lat strain. If I were the type to el oh el, I would right now. I want to do silly giggle action because Teheran hit the DL the day after the trading deadline. You know what happened here, right? “Nah, Teheran is totally healthy! He’s better than healthy! He’s the Trump Tower of health! A gleaming magnificent structure! Let’s make a deal.” Then no one bites. “Okay, he’s not healthy.”
Nick Markakis – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Sparkakis!
Francisco Cervelli – Left yesterday’s game after taking a pitch off his helmet. Is it me or does Cervelli get a concussion every other week? Sure hope I don’t see him on Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel in ten years. Mostly because by then Gumbel will weigh 87 pounds. Dude, eat something!
Gerrit Cole – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.73. Nice ERA, but, mans and five womans, this is not the step forward I was expecting from Cole this year.
Ken Giles – Named the closer in Houston. Only four blinks of an eye after I predicted it would happen. Dot dot dot. If you’re on quaaludes and you blink your eyes once a month. By the way, quaaludes looks like it was spelled by someone on quaaludes. “Um, Q-U-A… *falls asleep, wakes up two hours later* Um…A-ludes.” You can go ahead and lose Harris in most mixed leagues. He’s a shook one.
A.J. Reed – 0-for-4 as he was recalled from the minors. He was hitting well in the minors after his demotion, but if hitting well in the minors buttered the biscuit, Delino DeShields would be lathering maple butter all over my buns. I was the first one to my waiver wire to potentially grab Reed, but I clicked on him to pick him up, stared at my team for a couple of minutes, thinking about who to drop, and ended up not dropping anyone. And I have Colby Rasmus on that team, to give you an idea about who I could’ve dropped.
Carlos Gomez – 1-for-4, 1 run as he returned after missing four games. Those four games he was out, were his best four games of the season.
Joe Musgrove – 4 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 1 Walk, 8 Ks as he came in to pitch for McCullers, and holy dazzle balls, he looked fantastic. Here’s what Prospector Ralph said about Musgrove, “The Astros righty has drawn a great deal of interest from commenters in the recent weeks, and with one look at his 2016 stats it’s easy to see why. Between AA and AAA so far, 1.02 ERA, .90 WHIP, K/9 of 9.99, and a BB/9 of 1.00. The control has always been impeccable with Musgrove, but the Ks have started to creep up the last few seasons. I don’t see any reason why Musgrove shouldn’t see the H-town rotation at some point this summer. The minute a starter goes down in Houston expect Musgrove to get the call. Even Grey would like this guy, and he’s seriously stupid.” Hey, c’mon! So, Musgrove might be in H-Town’s rotation and I’d like to knock his boots.
Troy Tulowitzki – Still out with a chip fracture of his thumb. Chip fracture sounds like an ailment that would afflict a Keebler Elf.
Aaron Altherr – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (2). And I went to pick him up in all of my leagues, but he was already gone. *Shakes fist* Big Magoo! If Altherr is out therr, don’t be scurred, grab him.
Maikel Franco – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 20th homer, hitting .258. Telling you (no dur), Franco is going to get to 25 HRs and .260 and you’re gonna be like, “Why exactly didn’t I just own him all year?”
Cesar Hernandez – 4-for-5, 3 runs, hitting .296. Gives a little SAGNOF and runs, but not a whole lot else. He is hitting near-.400 in the last week, so, yeah, hot schmotato.
Brandon Belt – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and a homer. How many homers does he have? Go ahead, guess. Lower. What are you doing? Lower your number, not your voice. He has 12 homers. Um, yeah.
Angel Pagan – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Could be worth cyclops’ing, but he hasn’t done much in the last week. Sorry, Ang-Pag (awesome nickname — for a manicurist).
Brandon Crawford – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. First sign of life since he returned from a bruised hand. Well, I mean, his breathing was a sign too.
Jhonny Peralta – 1-for-3, 1 RBI as he was activated from the DL. I get the impression that Jhonny is going to be back on the DL in short order, which sounds like a demanding Altuve.
Brandon Moss – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 18th homer as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Who pressed all the floor buttons on the elevator this morning? Not cool.”
Jedd Gyorko – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer. Someone next preseason, “Grey, I made a mashed potato statue of you that sits in my living room, but what do you think of Gyorko this year? Seems like a cheap 20-homer guy.” Yeah, that same person isn’t even owning Jedd right now.
Zack Cozart – Was scratched due to pain in his ring finger. That’s how I felt after I got married.
Adam Duvall – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer. I get the sense from comments that people are looking to move on from Duvall. Nice loyalty. Duvall has three homers this week with a .300 average. You really have no room for that?
Scott Schleber – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, as he takes over for Bruce. He hit a bomb off Oh (1 1/3 IP, 3 ER). Oh? Oh. In NL-Only leagues, I can see grabbing Schleber, but you grab anyone with a starting job there.
Jason Hammel – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.07. Wake me up when your wins are crying Mary like Hendricks.
Derek Dietrich – 2-for-3, 1 run, has three games in a row with a hit and goes to Coors at the end of the week. Never too early to start chasing your Mile High.
Dylan Bundy – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (1 Hit), 7 Ks, ERA at 3.05. You know what they call this? A Star Mitzvah. Mazel tov! Don’t forget to send him your checks for $18! Don’t worry, next year big box sites like ESPN and Yahoo will say something like, “Bundy could take a huge next step this year. So, we have no idea why we’re ranking him around 180 overall.” As for this year, grab him. Now.
Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-3 and two homers (14, 15). It wouldn’t shock me to see him end the season with 25-27 homers, so there’s still a lot of power left in his bat if you need that sorta thing.
Matt Wieters – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer, hitting .238. Before you go out and get a tattoo of Gary Sanchez’s face, remember Keith Law once said Matt Wieters would be the greatest catcher since Yogi Berra.
Adam Jones – 2-for-4 and his 21st homer. He has 63 RBIs, 43 of them coming out of the leadoff slot. If he were batting third or cleanup, he’d have 80 RBIs. It’s cold, hard math!
J.D. Martinez – Expects to return today. Just D’cmon already!
Victor Martinez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .302. I would’ve bet you that he couldn’t hit more than 12 homers this year. Too bad. I would’ve enjoyed welching on you.
Miguel Cabrera – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .306. What’s the record for longest streak to be drafted in the 1st or 2nd rounds? Because I think Miggy might be either approaching it or passing it soon. Would imagine it’s between him and Bonds. Another record you ruined!
James Shields – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 4.92. Ironically, just when you drop your guard, up comes the lousy Shields.
Avisail Garcia – 2-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homers, after entering the game late. So appropriate he has a two-homer game coming off the bench, so even if you own him — for who knows what reason — he wasn’t in your lineup. Sonavabench!
Curtis Granderson – Was benched to make room for Bruce. That’s like the 1997 VMAs when Jakob Dylan was singing One Headlight and Bruce Springsteen joined him and ended up singing it better than Dylan. (If you wanna hear it, and you should, here it is. Bruce just destroys it. Go nighty-night, Jakob, go nighty-night!)
Asdrubal Cabrera – Hit the DL with a strained patella. Trump is looking into whether or not patella is Muslim. Stand by.
Jacob deGrom – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.41. This Jacob had no problem shining with the addition of Bruce.
Gary Sanchez – Will report to the Yankees on Wednesday. If he has catcher eligibility in your league, I’d take a flyer on him to see if you can get a Willson Contreras-type call-up. Good Willson, not current Willson. To read more about Gary Sanchez, click on his name and you’re transported to a faraway place where his most recent articles are listed.
Masahiro Tanaka – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 3.46. This start came against the Yanks’ crosstown rivals in Queens, who didn’t seem to be faking it. Nor did the Bronx Bombers seem to be creating it. Until further notice on Manhattan making it and Brooklyn taking it.
Didi Gregorius – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer, hitting .290. He’s been sneaky good for Cousteau deep leagues, while completely unownable for must shallower leagues.
Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.83. Wow, he is a FIPping nightmare.
Jake Lamb – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .282. Darling you are baaaahvelous!
Yasmany Tomas – 2-for-3 and his 18th homer, and 24th homer in the last week. You can wait to pick him up, but at some point he’s not gonna to be hitting home runs every day.
Wilson Ramos – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .331. Wanna laugh or cry depending on your outlook? Ramos has been more valuable than Bryce this year.
Jayson Werth – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 13th homer, hitting .254. He’s hitting over .300 in the last week, and, no, I wouldn’t pick him up either.
Yordano Ventura – 5 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 4.83. I watched this start, and not because I was hoping for a fight. I wanted to see if Ventura had turned a corner. If he had, that corner was at the intersection of Throwing-It-Down-Main St. and High-And-Outside Ave.
Andrew Benintendi – 0-for-2 as he pinch-hit and will start on Wednesday. In related news, I know what Prospector Ralph is doing on Wednesday.
David Price – 7 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.18. Well, it wasn’t gorge, but at this point I’ll take anything near a Quality Start, and this was a near-perfect Rich Little impersonation of a near-Quality Start.
Hanley Ramirez – 2-for-4 and his 14th homer. I’m sorta waiting for Hanley to go on one of his insane tears where he hits ten homers in a month, but maybe he’s so done we won’t even get one of those. Sad emoji with another emoji bringing sad emoji a tissue. Thanks, other emoji.
Steve Cishek – Mariners removed Cishek from the closer role. Or as Missy Elliott would say, “My Cishek cillzan sillzome plilzay dilzzouble dilzutch.” As I said yesterday, I’d grab Edwin Diaz in all leagues. He could take the job and run with it. (Save with it?) For those keeping score at home (me), I traded Cishek to JB about a month ago to get David Price. Yeah, yeah, I also sent Chris Archer. And I have no idea if I should be happy or sad about this.
Robinson Cano – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 24th homer. He hit that off Abad, which cost me a Price victory. Cano did that because I haven’t said anything nice about him in two years. I’m sorry! Okay!
Huston Street – Hit the DL. Oh, no, it’s the closepocalypse! Grab your baby and run! Actually, forget your baby, and grab a middle reliever! Cam Bedrosian is not a middle reliever anymore, he’s the Angels’ closer! Or should be. The Sciosciapath does funny things with everyday logic and says the Angels will use a committee. Honestly, that must be a joke because they don’t have enough relievers for a committee. A closer tag team? Meh, I’d just grab Bedrosian.
Sean Manaea – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.68. I keep getting questions about picking up or starting Manaea. Your league isn’t deep enough. Yes, I know your league. I’m omniscient, snitches! (Though, you’d think an omniscient person would know how to spell omniscient without looking it up.)
Coco Crisp – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer. He’s hitting near-.350 in the last week with three homers. Hot schmotato alert!
Khris Davis – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 27th homer. Aw, Snookie and JWoww, someone’s about to hit 15 homers in 12 games. (Please.)
Max Kepler – 1-for-2, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (15) and legs (3), and fourth homer in two days. Max Kepler might be the greatest case of Zimmermania since Paul Goldschmidt wore the imaginary yarmulke.
Danny Salazar – Hit the DL, and could miss a few weeks. His elbow MRI showed only inflammation. Great. That’s like when the doctor says, “Well, you’re not dying. But you do have herpes.”
Carlos Carrasco – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA up to 3.12. Between Carrasco and Salazar’s recent performances, I feel like there’s a liberal arts term paper hidden somewhere in here, “Indians Turn To Basket Cases, Rather Than Beloved Basketwork and Pottery.”