Opening a gift, “Aw, geez, Kershaw, you didn’t have to give me your arm.” That’s Ross Stripling at the office Christmas party. “Don’t mention it. Hey, Tommy Lasorda, could you get off my lap, my back is starting to hurt. Also, you’re not wearing pants.” I forget if I ever told you — the royal you since you’re wearing that Burger King crown — but a friend of mine told me Lasorda still goes to the Dodgers’ clubhouse to use the showers and likes to walk around naked. How’s dem visuals! By the by, I’ve reached the age where I forget if a friend of mine told me that, I heard it on the radio or if a commenter told me. Welcome to your 40’s, you don’t look a day older than 27. No, really, I don’t. Anyhoo! Last night Stripling did what he’s done all year — 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.52. The slightly bizzonkers thing is his peripherals say he’s nearly this good — 11.1 K/9, 1.9 BB/9, 2.63 xFIP. Don’t love he throws only 92 MPH, but he’s dominating with the curve. He credits pitching coach, Rick Honeycutt, with his newfound success, saying he told him to throw the curve as hard as he can. I see no velocity difference in his curve, according to the stats, but stats-schmats, Honeycutt-Schmoneycutt, whatever works. At this point, hard to ignore the results(schmults). Anyway, here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball yesterday:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Hen (Hen) Ry (Ry) Row (Row) En (En) Gart (Gart) Ner (Ner). No, Henry Rowengartner is not on this list, but I imagine he would have been if his arm was still broken and his tendons were still too tight. I could picture the 100 mph fastballs working fairly consistently, but the famous floater pitch that hasn’t been seen since Scuffy McGee wouldn’t last long, even in a 12’’ softball league. “Ffffunky butt-loving!’ ‘Did he just say funky butt-loving?” Enough about one of my favorite baseball movies from the ‘90s. We’re going to take a look at the top ten pitchers to lead the league in strikeouts for the 2018 season. Let me know who you like, who I missed, who deserves an honorable mention, etc. Do you want “Big Sexy” Bartolo Colon on the list, because he mesmerizes you with his athletic figure? He would make a great figure skater or rhythmic gymnast, right? I can’t place him on this list, but he deserves to be on some sort of list somewhere. Maybe I’ll make a list of the ten most entertaining MLB players, I’m sure he’ll make that list. All opinions are welcomed, and encouraged so let’s dive right in and see what happens! For the purpose of this post, we will be using Grey’s 2018 Pre-Season Projections and FantasyPros ADP.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Scott Boras is pushing this “MLB owners are in collusion” narrative, and what better way to push that agenda than have Mike Moustakas turn down a $17.4 million dollar qualifying offer from the Royals to re-sign with them for $6.5 million. Boras is playing a long con here, and no one’s seeing it! But I see it! *takes index and middle finger and points at eyes, then points at picture of Boras* You know who Mike Moustakas needed as his agent? Regina King. She is doggedly persistent. Have you ever seen Regina King quit? Oh hell no. There’s no quit in that woman in every role she’s in. If Scott Boras were married to Cuba Gooding Jr. in Jerry Maguire, Cuba would’ve signed for chump change, and never waited for his quan moment. Moustakas needs to hire Regina King, stat! So, I haven’t changed anything in my projection and ranking for Moustakas in my top 20 3rd basemen for 2018 fantasy baseball with this re-signing, because that was the baseline I was projecting off of anyway. Now to see if I can get Regina King to do my auction bidding for me. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2018 fantasy baseball:
Psyche! Before we get into the post, there are a few RCL drafts this weekend that need you! You as in you you. Why are you looking over your shoulder? I’m talking to you! Sign up for a league, and if we don’t fill them, you’ll get your money back, but let’s assume they will be filled because you like to win some cash-money. Yes, you you still! Also, in those leagues are JayWrong and MattTruss, so you know the leagues will be talked about on the site. Anyway, the roundup:Please, blog, may I have some more?
“I’ll always remember 2018 as the year baseball’s free agents didn’t sign until February,” which is exactly what someone says after listing 3,500 things they’ll remember about 2018 before when baseball free agents signed. J.D. Martinez finally signed in Boston for $110 million, after being previously offered $150 million, $105 million, $141 million, $15 million (this one was just to see if he was paying attention) and $300 million. J.D. Martinez didn’t negotiate a contract, he was picking suitcases on Deal of No Deal. “Howie, I’m going to take the #4 suitcase and give back the $150 million suitcase.” *three days later* “Well, that sucked.” Yeah, I’m not sure what J.D. was doing. His name is definitely not Just Deal, because he dragged his heels for three weeks and seemed to lose a lot of money, and bargaining ability. Any hoo! In the top 20 for 2018 fantasy baseball, here’s what I said, “Here’s what I would’ve said, had Martinez signed somewhere, “Sure, going to Chase Field for half a season in a walk year is like having some half-baked rhymes and getting to work with Dr. Dre. You can throw out there a line like, “You think I’m being a cock with my rhyme, but I think chickens keep the thyme,” and that shizz goes triple-platinum even though no one but seventeen hipsters in Brooklyn buy albums anymore. What do call a millennial that says ‘Bedford-Thighvethant?’ A lispster. Take it, Highlights, it’s yours. Being in Chase for half a season in his walk year was like being a nobody-nothing who is working an assistant job cleaning out potted plants that Weinstein just irrigated, then finding out you have a high count of midichlorians in your blood and you’re mothereffin’ Frank Skywalker, Luke’s other kid. And you’re not Frank Skywalker like Frank Stallone, but you have some real qualities to add to the mythology. That’s J.D.’s last year. However (Grey’s turning the ship around?), J.D.’s able to hit wherever he’s played. His home/away splits in his career are better at home, but everyone’s are. It’s just easier to hit at home because you’re sleeping in your house, you don’t need to travel, you don’t have to tell the hotel’s front desk to please tell Archie Bradley’s room to be quiet. Road scholars are rare, and are a little weird anyway. Only thing stopping Just Dong, and what has also stopped him in the past is his health. Other than subtracting 75 ABs from the bottom line, there’s not much we can do with that, i.e., I love J.D. but there’s injury risk.'” And that’s me quoting hypothetical me! As I said in the above blurb, Just Dong is who he is, and Fenway’s gonna be a lovely place for him to just, uh, dong. With the signing of Just Dong, Hanley’s going to play 1st base, which means it will take one throw into the first base line for Hanley to lose his arm, and I lowered him in my top 20 1st basemen for 2018 fantasy baseball. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this spring training for 2018 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I believe I’ve got a theory. Okay, perhaps it’s more of a conspiracy than a theory. Now that I think about it, it’s really just a topic for the next fifteen or so paragraphs I’m about to write. Is Trea Turner the primary subject of market manipulation? Say what! Seriously, what could that possibly even mean? Wikipedia defines market manipulation as “a deliberate attempt to interfere with the free and fair operation of the market and create artificial, false or misleading appearances with respect to the price of, or market for, a security, commodity or currency“. If we really consider the entire landscape it’s easy to come to the conclusion that “market manipulation” really doesn’t apply, or make sense in this context, but it got me thinking…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Rough year to be a Prince. Watch yourself William, Henry and the kid who played Fred in the atrocious Scooby-Doo movies. Prince Fielder is done from baseball with 319 homers. Of the tens of thousands of other baseball players that have played the game, the only other person retired with exactly 319 homers is Cecil Fielder. They are also the only two members of the 300-300 club — 300 HR/LB. This also leads me to believe we’re on an 18-year loop with 1998. Wait until Hillary Clinton meets a young Jewish intern in the White House who is just back from Cuba with some cigars. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The White Sox were due to wear throwback jerseys on Saturday, and Chris Sale didn’t want to wear them. The White Sox refused to relent, so Sale took it upon himself to do something. Cut to, ahem, ten minutes later and Sale was sent home for throwing a temper tantrum and cutting up all the throwback uniforms. The most surprising thing in this story: the White Sox clubhouse had a pair of lefty scissors. After Sale cut up the White Sox 1976 uniforms, Chet Lemon weighed in, saying, “It was a tough uniform to rock. The guys on the 1983 team thought they had a reviled uniform. At least in 1983, you could strut around like a peacock, which they called Paciorek’ing, due to the grace of teammate Tom Paciorek. In 1976, they dressed me up like a lawn jockey. That shizz was offensive!” For his antics, Chris Sale was suspended for five games by the White Sox. That’s the last time he tries to introduce a cutter without talking to the pitching coach. Now, if the Red Sox trade for Sale, their top two starters could help win back the casual Jewish Red Sox fan who checked out after Youk and Theo left. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The sexy prospects are finally making it baby!
It’s good to be back to the Pitcher Profile, with so many hot options out there to break down as we head into the ASB. While Lucas Giolito (who I was always spell wrong with two T’s the first time I type his name) has more “overall” prospect buzz, I think I might have been more excited that we finally got the Tyler Glasnow callup. I had continually been ranking him very favorably in my ranks in the 60s, and I’m not gonna lie, when I saw Steven Brault got the call before him (and this is even after Chad Kuhl too), I was dismayed. But alas! Glasnow made his debut last Thursday afternoon against the Cardinals with a lot of encouraging stuff coming out of it. Not too surprisingly, he was sent back down as he wasn’t needed for another start before the All-Star Break, but will he be back soon sooner or later? Well, here’s how he looked in his MLB debut, and an analysis on if you should be holding onto him on redraft rosters:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Brian Dozier went 3-for-4, 4 RBIs with two homers (11, 12). Dozier’s quietly had a great June (7 HRs, near-.350), after having a miserable May (2 HRs, .215) and an atrocious April (3 HRs, .191). Who knows what July holds? Which sounds like the title for a piece of art done by Daniel Johnston. Let’s see, Daniel Johnston describing Dozier. “June is Fun! Fun! Fun! If I ever thought I could be happy, it was from Dozier. Fun! Fun! Fun! Oh! That rock and roll! It saves my soul! Owning Dozier in June, it must’ve been a happy time, Kool Aid flowing like wine, the bubble gum, forever-ever-ever-ever-ever-ever after! Now I will get on a random bus in Austin and ride to New Mexico.” Oh, Daniel Johnston, you were taken from us way too soon. *sees he’s still alive* Okay, moving on. So, Dozier has turned his season around and is close to the same pace as his previous season stats (28 HRs, 12 SBs). Moreover, Dozier has cut his Ks by a lot, so he could hit for a better average this year (.250 vs. .235). Daniel Johnston might be onto something. About fun, fun fun not about getting on random buses. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Not sure how many of you saw it yesterday, but Terry Collins got heated in a press conference when the Mets’ PR guy wanted him to tell the media more about Syndergaard. Finally, Collins called him a puppy dog and stormed out. Now, in a move that will be sure to make even the best PR person sweat, the Mets are in final talks to reunite with Jose Reyes. The news picked up steam when management asked that the players’ wives not travel with the team. Also, Wilmer Flores better not cry if Reyes joins the team. Reyes smells the slightest weakness and he becomes a slap hitter (of recent vs. of old). So, what can we expect of Reyes if he does land on the Mets, or any team, because he will sign somewhere. Last year, in 116 games, he had 7 homers, 24 steals and a .274 average. Honestly, that’s not that bad. He can’t stay healthy, but maybe starting in July will help with that. Figure he can play 80 games, which should put him in the area of a 7-10 HRs, 17-25 SBs and a .270 average. Not terrible if you’re struggling at shortstop or MI. Maybe the Mets will say eff it and also hire Doc Gooden to cut the foul lines. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I know, I know. Most boring Pitcher Profile in the lauded history of the Pitcher Profiles… But Tim Lincecum has been the talk of the town in some circles, that is, if the circle you’re in is at a retirement home…
I was hotly debating writing this week’s profile on the sexy new call-up Cody Reed, but legit decided to flip a coin to see who’s 2016 debut I would go with. One side was Jennifer Lawrence and the other side Sir Laurence Olivier. As in he’s old! Wait, I don’t think he’s even alive… Don’t fact check that…
It’s been several years since Old Tiny Tim has been fantasy relevant, and it’s only fitting that the reason why is a hip issue. He shoulda pressed the Life Alert earlier! But now he’s had the surgery, showed some flashes in his Minor League rehab games (7 inning 1-hitter with 8 Ks his last AAA start), and debuted for the Angels on Saturday afternoon. Here’s how his 2016 debut went down going at the A’s:Please, blog, may I have some more?
You know how they have pink bats for Mother’s Day? They should have bats in the shape of penises for Father’s Day. “Ooh, a swing and a miss. Damn, he had that schlong just out in front of that ball.” “You know socialism never worked, but penises have worked for thousands of years, depending on what interpretation of the Bible you ascribe to.” “Wow, what size bat is David Ortiz using?” Happy Father’s Day to all of our readers minus five ladies! Yesterday, for Dad’s Day, Julio Teheran showed us Americans how they do it in Iran on Father’s Day. Teheran #1 — ptooey everyone us! His line was 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks and 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.66. I’ve been saying for a few weeks now that Teheran is worth picking up. He’s obviously not this good. His xFIP is 3.97, but his walk rate is down from last year and his ground balls are up, not literally. Other than last year, he was a consistent low-3, high-2 ERA guy, and he looks like he found his way back there. By the way, if you’re thinking what I’m thinking, agreed, we should not allow any university lacrosse teams access to the penis bats. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?