Rough year to be a Prince. Watch yourself William, Henry and the kid who played Fred in the atrocious Scooby-Doo movies. Prince Fielder is done from baseball with 319 homers. Of the tens of thousands of other baseball players that have played the game, the only other person retired with exactly 319 homers is Cecil Fielder. They are also the only two members of the 300-300 club — 300 HR/LB. This also leads me to believe we’re on an 18-year loop with 1998. Wait until Hillary Clinton meets a young Jewish intern in the White House who is just back from Cuba with some cigars. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Adam Ottavino – Named the new Rockies’ closer. We lost Carlos Estevez to Human Ineffectivedeficiency Virus. He was a closer considered to be one of the Young Guns of baseball but is now Two and Half Men back in the bullpen and falling fast into a 6th inning Platoon after hitting a Wall Street and is no longer a Hot Shot, but more like a Major League Loaded Weapon who should stay in the bullpen with a sign that reads, “Men at Work.” Mean’s while, his replacement is scoreless this year, could be the closer the rest of the year and sounds like an otter sommelier. I’d grab Ottavino in every league and has me intrigued long-term.
Tyler Chatwood – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks in Coors against a not very easy Rangers team, and Chatwood has a 3.58 ERA on the year. Have the Rockies tamed the pitching beast? Maybe the Rockies just needed more Tylers in their rotation. Fun fact! Tyler Chatwood is the name of a porn star whose claim to fame is being able to tie multiple cherry stems into knots at once.
Charlie Blackmon – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 14th homer, hitting .308. His speed’s way down this year (14 vs. 43 last year). Maybe he’s spending too much time as his romance author alter ego, Chazz Noir.
Carlos Gonzalez – MRI results on his ankle were “OK,” according to the Rockies’ beat writer. Solid reporting. Or maybe I should say “OK” reporting. I grabbed Gerardo Parra (2-for-5, 1 RBI) in one league, and am holding him until CarGo returns.
Fernando Rodney – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 19th save. A.J. Ramos hit the DL with a fractured finger, so Rodney will take over the closer role. Rodney gets no respect, and most of that contempt is well-earned, but I’d still grab him. If Ramos should return, he’d regain the closer role, but, like Rodney says, “Saves are a danger field,” and Ramos will be out a while.
Matt Moore – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 7 Ks. Last game, 6 IP, 2 ER and 6 walks. When someone asks me why I prefer NL pitchers, I’m just going to point to Moore’s post-trade numbers. Stream-o-Nator loves Moore’s next start and I can’t see any reason to not start him.
Yasiel Puig – Dodgers are disappointed in Puig’s Snapchats he released of him and his minor league teammates partying. The good news is, Puig is apparently his purported 25 years of age, since he understands Snapchat.
Vince Velasquez – 4 2/3 IP, 9 ER. Did someone say it’s time to shut down Velasquez? Yeah, I agree.
Aaron Altherr – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Don’t just sit there, make like a picky-uppy-thing and pick him up!
Tyler Glasnow – Threw a 50-pitch simulated game. He reported no issues with his shoulder, but wearing that Oculus Rift was uncomfortable for the simulated action.
Gregory Polanco – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer as he returned to the lineup. Brocktune!
Jabari Blash – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I actually grabbed Jabari Blash in one NL-Only league, and this is the saddest sentence in the English language containing the words Jabari Blash. All other sentences with Jabari Blash are a tie for 2nd saddest.
Michael Wacha – Hit the Disgraceful List with a recurrence of the scapular issue that sidelined him in 2014, and now he might not be able to be a starter again — ever! Too bad, so sad, but guess who’s coming in his place?! Dot dot dot. Alex Reyes?! Yes, and no. Read on, reader.
Alex Reyes – 1 IP, 0 ER as he was called up to work out of the bullpen. Reyes is the type of guy that can come up and dominate for a month until major league hitters figure out to wait on his command, or he has a 6+ ERA and is atrocious. I’m not sure there’s much in-between. For now, he’s just a bullpen arm. Long-term, he has ace potential, or so says his high-90s fastball and buckle-a-knee curve. So, who is the Wacha replacement?
Luke Weaver – Will take over Wacha’s rotation slot. Oh, the Cards’ prospect that is a mid-rotation-type. If I wanted a solid floor, but low ceiling I’d go to the 7 1/2 floor of the Mertin-Flemmer Building! Sigh, Weaver’s okay — 7 K/9, 2 BB/9, 3.75 ERA — but Reyes is so sexy! Weaver will be safer, but if I wanted safer I’d wear a condom on my head and mittens on my feet! I mean, outside, not just at home.
Yadier Molina – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting near-.350 in the last week. Would I pick up Yadier? Get outta here!
Mike Leake – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 0 Ks, ERA at 4.79. Zero Ks? More like Mike Meek. Amiright?!
Billy Hamilton – 2-for-3, 3 runs and 3 more steals (46, 47, 48). Whoever it was that switched out all of the green M&M’s in the clubhouse, nice work.
Raisel Iglesias – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save. Cingrani was used the two previous days, so there’s likely nothing here, but looking at Cingrani it’s easy to think, “There’s nothing ever here,” so it could be time to raise the church roof.
Tim Lincecum – Accepted an assignment to Triple-A. The graphic novel that k.d. lang has been penning about her alter ego, Lincecum, has taken a decidedly less cheery turn in the last few years.
Cam Bedrosian – Hit the DL with middle finger tendinitis. WebMD says this is a common truck driver injury. In Bedrosian’s place will be…Um…How well can Trout close? I’d guess Fernando Salas (1 IP, 0 ER in non-save situation yesterday), then JC Ramirez would be next in line, in that order.
Kole Calhoun – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer, hitting .276. He can salvage his year, but he’ll need to get red hot in the final seven weeks. Red hot like the color of his gingie hair.
Willson Contreras – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, hitting .265. Oh, he’s still playing? I thought he retired. Cool beans.
John Lackey – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.56. Random Prediction Alert! Not Bryant (1-for-4 and his 28th homer), Rizzo (2-for-3, 2 runs), Arrieta, or anyone else will be the hero of the Cubs’ postseason, it will be Lackey. Feels like a Curt Schilling-type scenario coming. Hopefully Chicago doesn’t then invest in Lackey’s video game company.
Bryce Harper – Still out with a pain in his neck. His owners have been suffering sympathy pains along with him.
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.80. I think in the preseason I might’ve said something like this will be the last year that Scherzer is a top five starter. And that’s me potentially paraphrasing me! Well, I take that back. At this point, Scherzer is a top five starter until he does something that says he’s not.
Michael Brantley – More shoulder issues, and now doctors found chronic biceps tendinitis too. Brantley’s x-rays are like a Renoir. Depending on where you’re standing, you see a new ailment.
Danny Salazar – Played catch yesterday and hopes to throw a bullpen session today. He added, “My elbow ain’t no Renoir.” We hope not, Salazar.
Andrew Miller – 1 IP, 1 ER in the 7th and 8th innings. Terry Francona wasn’t managing yesterday, due to chest pains, but he said he was hoping it was indigestion. Hopefully, he realizes he just couldn’t keep down Miller.
Cody Allen – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 21st save. Not making the strongest argument in Miller’s favor.
Trevor Bauer – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Every time I see him pitch well, I hear Method Man in my head singing, “Is it real, son, is it really real, son, let me know it’s real, son, if it’s really real.” Then I see Bauer’s 3.88 ERA, and I’m reminded he has a 4.39 ERA in almost 500 IP, so it’s not really real yet.
Jose Ramirez – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 13th steal, hitting .305. Someone offered me a trade of Chris Sale and Ramirez for Villar and Altuve, and I rejected it. Not simply because it’s not close. I don’t need steals and I do need an SP, but Sale has what left? 9 starts? Assuming he doesn’t try out to be a contestant on Chopped again. Just can’t pull the trigger on an SP this late in a shallow mixed league when I could just grab an SP off waivers.
Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.04. Solid start, but you have a screw loose if you started a guy with a 5+ ERA in Toronto. Or whatever Canadians use to screw. A loose moose?
Logan Forsythe – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Yesterday, I went over how hot he’s been this month. Today, I’m saying don’t curse your hindsight and grab Forsythe.
Brad Miller – 2-for-4, 1 run. Hitting over-.400 in the last week. No, I have no idea what you’re waiting for either.
Luis Severino – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Oh, Severino, you’re making Joe Girardi look smart for leaving you in the minors.
Rick Porcello – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.40. On yesterday’s podcast, JB and I talk about some pitchers who are safe, but not aces — Hendricks, Hammel, Lackey, okay, all Cubs starters except Arrieta — Porcello should’ve been in that conversation.
Craig Kimbrel – 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 BBs. I’ve already grabbed Brad Ziegler in leagues where I need saves. No, there’s nothing imminent, except Kimbrel is complaining about knee soreness in his surgically repaired knee and/or body switched with Fernando Rodney.
Chris Sale – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.16. Only Royal that really was able to get in Sale’s head was Cut….hbert (3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI).
Kelvin Herrera – 1 IP, 3 ER, and, also in this game, David Robertson blew his 5th save with a 1 IP, 1 ER, but was an escape goat. It feels like only a month ago, all closers were humming along with no vulture saves anywhere, but, when the closepocalypse hits, no one is safe.
Justin Morneau – 4-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting .300. In 20 games since returning, he also has 3 homers and has been a lot more worthwhile than I thought he’d be. Worthwhile in the grand scheme of things? No, not really, but maybe a schmotato.
Hector Santiago – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.53. Damn, he’s so much better than the pitcher the Twins traded away to get him in Ricky Nolasco. Not being sarcastic. Nolasco’s a career 4.59 ERA pitcher. Yuge difference.
Miguel Sano – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer, hitting .249. Sano’s got this 1-for-4 with a homer thing down. He may just get a visit from Adam Dunn’s attorneys about trademark infringement.
Jose Altuve – 4-for-4, 2 runs and his 26th steal, hitting .361. He’s making all Lilliputians proud.
Carlos Correa – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 16th homer. This year he’s been quiet and occasionally deadly, like a fart.
Ketel Marte – 0-for-5 as he was activated from the DL, after missing three weeks with mono. Isn’t that a high school thing? Did he catch it kissing one of R. Kelly’s girlfriends? Any hoo, that’s this crackpot, calling the Ketel back.
James Paxton – His elbow’s swelling continues to dissipate. Or as composers say a “gradual diminuendo,” which sounds like a boy band of Altuves.
J.D. Martinez – 3-for-7 and his 14th homer. Just Dong, because someone has to just dong it.
Sonny Gray – Diagnosed with a muscle strain in his forearm. I bet Shawn Colvin wishes she wasn’t so tied to her fantasy team name that she avoided drafting Sonny.
Zach Neal – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.60. I’m convinced that Billy Beane just fashions barely 5th starters out of bedsheets and pillow stuffing and sends them out to pitch.
Jose Reyes – Says he’s not ready for a rehab assignment. Admitting he has a problem is apparently not the first step to recovery.
Steven Matz – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Ever since it was revealed he has elbow spurs, I look at Matz the same as Tanaka. I like him, but I’m so not cool with arm problems on pitchers. Even ones they can pitch through.
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .295. Au Shizz!
Brandon Drury – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer. Member when it was between Drury or Lamb in April? Sure hope you went with the one that’s got gamey.
Zack Greinke – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks as he was activated from the DL. Cause I’m a curious cat, I went back to look at my Greinke preseason projections (also because I had a feeling I was real close). I had him down for 3.54 ERA/1.16 WHIP. Right now, he’s at 3.67/1.15. Not a bad time for a self high-five!
Welington Castillo – Out on paternity leave. Welington hopes his wife gives birth to two healthy, little tournedos of beouf.
Tim Tebow – Wants to pursue a career in baseball. He likely profiles as a 1B or DH since the other positions place a high dependence on throwing.