“I’ll always remember 2018 as the year baseball’s free agents didn’t sign until February,” which is exactly what someone says after listing 3,500 things they’ll remember about 2018 before when baseball free agents signed. J.D. Martinez finally signed in Boston for $110 million, after being previously offered $150 million, $105 million, $141 million, $15 million (this one was just to see if he was paying attention) and $300 million. J.D. Martinez didn’t negotiate a contract, he was picking suitcases on Deal of No Deal. “Howie, I’m going to take the #4 suitcase and give back the $150 million suitcase.” *three days later* “Well, that sucked.” Yeah, I’m not sure what J.D. was doing. His name is definitely not Just Deal, because he dragged his heels for three weeks and seemed to lose a lot of money, and bargaining ability. Any hoo! In the top 20 for 2018 fantasy baseball, here’s what I said, “Here’s what I would’ve said, had Martinez signed somewhere, “Sure, going to Chase Field for half a season in a walk year is like having some half-baked rhymes and getting to work with Dr. Dre. You can throw out there a line like, “You think I’m being a cock with my rhyme, but I think chickens keep the thyme,” and that shizz goes triple-platinum even though no one but seventeen hipsters in Brooklyn buy albums anymore. What do call a millennial that says ‘Bedford-Thighvethant?’ A lispster. Take it, Highlights, it’s yours. Being in Chase for half a season in his walk year was like being a nobody-nothing who is working an assistant job cleaning out potted plants that Weinstein just irrigated, then finding out you have a high count of midichlorians in your blood and you’re mothereffin’ Frank Skywalker, Luke’s other kid. And you’re not Frank Skywalker like Frank Stallone, but you have some real qualities to add to the mythology. That’s J.D.’s last year. However (Grey’s turning the ship around?), J.D.’s able to hit wherever he’s played. His home/away splits in his career are better at home, but everyone’s are. It’s just easier to hit at home because you’re sleeping in your house, you don’t need to travel, you don’t have to tell the hotel’s front desk to please tell Archie Bradley’s room to be quiet. Road scholars are rare, and are a little weird anyway. Only thing stopping Just Dong, and what has also stopped him in the past is his health. Other than subtracting 75 ABs from the bottom line, there’s not much we can do with that, i.e., I love J.D. but there’s injury risk.'” And that’s me quoting hypothetical me! As I said in the above blurb, Just Dong is who he is, and Fenway’s gonna be a lovely place for him to just, uh, dong. With the signing of Just Dong, Hanley’s going to play 1st base, which means it will take one throw into the first base line for Hanley to lose his arm, and I lowered him in my top 20 1st basemen for 2018 fantasy baseball. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this spring training for 2018 fantasy baseball:
Chris Tillman – After posting a 7.84 ERA last year, Tillman re-signed with the Orioles. Though, it should be a resigned Tillman re-signed with a resigned Orioles.
Cheslor Cuthbert – Royals are saying they’re going to give Cheslor 500 ABs. In related news, the Royals are going to be awful this year. Fun fact! Cheslor Cuthbert is from the Corn Islands. Sounds tough to digest. I’ve added Cheslor to the top 20 3rd basemen for 2018 fantasy baseball.
Troy Tulowitzki – Questionable for Opening Day.
Reporter: You know Opening Day isn’t for six weeks?
Tulo: Let’s be realistic, my ligaments may not make it out of February. https://t.co/GMD3PsdrgM— Razzball (@Razzball) February 19, 2018
Tim Lincecum – Received a guaranteed offer from a team that was not the Giants. No word yet on which team. My guess is the company softball team of Zen Healing Dispensary on Melrose.
Joaquin Benoit – Signed with the Nats to work middle relief and scream, “The T is silent!”
Jarrod Dyson – With the signing of J.D. Martinez in Boston, nearly simultaneously, without a blink of the eye, the Diamondbacks said, “Nuh-uh, you’re not going to show us up. We’re going to sign a player that also has the initials J.D.” Updated my top 100 outfielders for 2018 fantasy baseball and top 500 for 2018 fantasy baseball to include Dyson, and lowered Yasmany Tomas.
