You know how they have pink bats for Mother’s Day? They should have bats in the shape of penises for Father’s Day. “Ooh, a swing and a miss. Damn, he had that schlong just out in front of that ball.” “You know socialism never worked, but penises have worked for thousands of years, depending on what interpretation of the Bible you ascribe to.” “Wow, what size bat is David Ortiz using?” Happy Father’s Day to all of our readers minus five ladies! Yesterday, for Dad’s Day, Julio Teheran showed us Americans how they do it in Iran on Father’s Day. Teheran #1 — ptooey everyone us! His line was 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks and 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.66. I’ve been saying for a few weeks now that Teheran is worth picking up. He’s obviously not this good. His xFIP is 3.97, but his walk rate is down from last year and his ground balls are up, not literally. Other than last year, he was a consistent low-3, high-2 ERA guy, and he looks like he found his way back there. By the way, if you’re thinking what I’m thinking, agreed, we should not allow any university lacrosse teams access to the penis bats. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Nick Markakis – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Sparkakis!
Freddie Freeman – 4-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting .279. Props to whomever bought Freeman low a few weeks ago. Not major props. ‘Could someone have the production designer get us a bed for The Little Couple?’-sized prop.
Mallex Smith – Suffered a broken thumb when he was hit by deGrom. (By the way, nice shutout by deGrom! That was a shutout in my mind only, but still it was nice in my imagination. I wanna play fantasy fantasy baseball, where I just fantasize about how good the players are I own and it counts). Not sure how long Mallex will be out, but I’d guess a month.
Steven Matz – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.74, but left the game experiencing elbow stiffness. Matz/Mets (almost stutterer!) tried to downplay the seriousness of the issue, saying it was nothing, his elbow merely saw another elbow it thought was sexy and got stiff. Downplay all you want, a stiff elbow on a pitcher is like a thumb blister on a eSports player. Or like a dad not playing the electric bill for an eSports player. Or like a mother saying, “No video games until you finish your homework,” for an eSports player.
Wei-Yin Chen – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.22. Wow, he’s been next level terrible. Let’s go over some pitchers that were assumed to be relatively safe but unglamorous in the preseason. Excuse me, let’s go over some that were assumed to be safe and unglamorous that are not Cubbie pitchers. Chen, Leake, Kazmir, Jamie Garcia, McHugh, Gio Gonzalez and Ian Kennedy. Talk about a steaming pile of streamers. Oh, wait, there was Quintana. Yeah, 1-for-entire league.
Tom Koehler – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.92. Not saying I’m bitter, but the fact that Koehler’s ERA is way below Chris Archer makes me very bitter. Okay, I am bitter. As for Koehler, he’s a streamer so check out what the Stream-o-Nator says, when it’s not talking about trying to make friends on Bumble.
Tyler Chatwood – Hit the DL with a mild back strain. Fun fact! In the 1990s, his last name was “Talk to the wood, cos the face don’t care.”
Marcell Ozuna – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .319. OZUNA sure glad he give his jersey to Giancarlo to pretend like he is OZUNA for the entire season.
Troy Tulowitzki – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer as he was activated from the DL this weekend. The DL said, “I hate to see Tulo go, but I take solace in knowing he’ll be back again soon.” In all seriousness, it sounds like the DL and Tulo have a special bond that will never be broken, unlike all Tulo’s bones.
Devon Travis – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. Took him a bit to find his stroke, but he looks to be heating up now. If he’s out there, I could see grabbing him. Maybe Gibbons, that big monkey, may even hit him leadoff one of these days too.
Marcus Stroman – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.23. He’s owned in how many ESPN leagues? Go ahead, take a guess, I’ll wait. *scratches chin, flips the TV channel, makes the mistake of flipping to a Nancy Meyers’ movie while Cougs is in the room, ‘accidentally knocks’ TV off wall* Third TV I had to accidentally break this week because I flipped the channel to something Cougs wanted to watch. Okay, I’m back, what’s your guess on Stroman’s ownership? 92% owned? That’s right. Did you cheat?
Jonathan Schoop – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .278. Too bad you keep fighting me on owning him. On our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater, he’s within sniffing distance of the top ten. Sniffing distance because there’s an Odor there.
Matt Wieters – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer. I mentioned this the last time Wieters homered, but he seems to be the only player that has a big game and then doesn’t do anything for a week. He went 1-for-13 since his last homer on June 12th. A four-hit game yesterday? Well, we may not see him again until July.
James Shields – 1 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA on the White Sox is 21.81. The White Sox pitching coach thinks he knows what’s wrong with Shields. Instead of pitching with his right arm, he’s pitching with his left arm.
Carlos Rodon – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.16. Still waiting for him to be Rodonculous or even to show more punchouts with a Rodonnybrook, but, for now, we have to settle for a guy that has upside and vacillates between decent and meh.
Danny Salazar – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. If comments are any indiction, people still don’t respect Salazar as a number one starter. He has a 2.23 ERA with a 10.7 K/9, so, uh, yeah.
Carlos Carrasco – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.26. Guess what I’m gonna say? I’m still under the estimatitation (Made Up Word of the Day!) that Carrasco is only going to get better.
Juan Uribe – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in the past two days. Uribe’s the kinda schmotato that hits a bunch of homers in a week then disappears. If you have room for a little schmotato action, I’d grab him. Juan Uribe would also like to thank me for not making a joke about him getting cracked in the nuts. He really did show in-testes-inal fortitude.
Rajai Davis – 4-for-5, 2 runs and 2 steals (19, 20). I’m just going to go by his stats on my team vs. a random player. In his last 121 at-bats, Rajai, aka The King of SAGNOF, has 25/5/15/.306/12. Another player in his last 122 at-bats, 13/7/18/.276/0. That’s the stats for Nomar Mazara (1-for-3, 2 RBIs and hit his 11th homer).
Mitch Moreland – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 11th homer. Mitch don’t kill my vibe!
Randal Grichuk – Optioned to the minors. How much wood can Grichuk chuck when Grichuk is finding out bad news?
Kolten Wong – 0-for-2 as a pinch-hitter on Sunday as he was recalled and became the latest Cardinal utility outfielder. I’m not saying I don’t like Wong — that’s what she said! — but Wong wasn’t sent down to the minors to simply learn a new position — that’s what Gary Glitter said! — but he was sent down because he was a flipping mess with the bat (was hitting .222 with 1 homer prior to the demotion).
Trevor Rosenthal – 0 IP, 2 ER on Saturday. The Cardinals have shown him a lot of loyalty, but if I had to guess the next closer to get, um, relieved of his job, it would be Rosenthal. He allows more walks than a shopping center at 8 AM that’s filled with seniors. All kidding aside, I wouldn’t be surprised if he hits the Disgraceful List. I’d go with the American Idol host, Siegrist, if I were speculating.
Matt Holliday – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .257. I put Holliday in the same category as Michael Saunders. That category is, “Why did I draft them then drop them the first week of April?”
Jake Lamb – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer on Saturday. In that game, Au Shizz also homered. They have literally homered every game together. Like, literally literally. Literally literally literally.
Chris Owings – Nearing rehab games. Hopefully Waze doesn’t have him make a very dangerous left turn.
David Peralta – Sounds to be headed back to the DL. Or as they call it in my house, the Disabled List. What? They call it something different in your house?
Zack Greinke – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.54. He feels like a guy that will settle in around a 3.75 ERA. Right now, his home ERA is 5+ and away ERA is below 2. Wouldn’t be surprised if free agent pitchers start worrying about going to Arizona as they do with Coors.
Archie Bradley – 6 Ip, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.83. Good stuff on Sunday. Well pitched. Big congratulations. Now, back in reality, the start was vs. the Phils and he gets Coors next time out.
Miguel Sano – Took batting practice and did some running. Sounds like another wonderful day at Rye Playland.
Max Kepler – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (1). He has hits in nine of his last ten games and another homer in that time. Hot schmotato alert!
Brandon Kintzler – 1 1/3 IP, 1 ER and his 2nd save, ERA at 2.95. I have hope like Andy Dufresne that you didn’t follow my lead through a tunnel of dookie and own Fernando Abad this weekend. He was Fernando Amiserable.
Nathan Eovaldi – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.02. Elias Sports Bureau said, in this start, Eovaldi threw five of the six fastest and least effective pitches of the year.
Brian McCann – 3-for-4 and his 9th and 10th homers. For an afternoon in June, Grey opened his fantasy team where he owned James McCann (0-for-5) and was able to imagine he owned Brian McCann. If only for an afternoon, he was happy. The end. *closes book* Horton Hears a Catcher! is the worst children’s book ever.
Justin Turner – 1-for-4 and three homers on Friday and Saturday (nine homers on the year). As I’ve been saying, he was bound to heat up. Now, he’s hot. Like the 122 degrees it is outside my home. Damn you, Al Gore, for being right all the time!
Kenta Maeda – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.64. Hakuna Maeda! Which means “no Murrays.”
Matt Garza – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 0.90 thru two starts. Don’t worry, his smugshot will be as jerky as always soon enough and you can send it to the fantasy owner of Garza who thought it was a good idea to pick him up.
Kyle Hendricks – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.94. If Hendrix was alive today, his performance of the national anthem would’ve been called a Star Spangled Banger. That’s what Hendricks did yesterday.
Jameson Taillon – 4 IP, 4 ER. Meh, it was a tough matchup, I ain’t sweating it. (Though, if it happens again…)
Anthony Rizzo – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .272. HR to the Rizzo!
Kris Bryant – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer, hitting .273. What, Bryant and Rizzo think they’re Goldschmidt and Lamb now?
Willson Contreras – 1-for-1 and his 1st homer in his 1st at-bat. So hilarious how stacked the Cubs are. They have a guy that could be a top five catcher and don’t even have the inclination to play him.
Danny Espinosa – 1-for-3 and his 12th homer. Hmm, so I guess I shouldn’t have dropped him yesterday. *sticks head in oven, opens The Bell Jar to read* Hey, could someone light the pilot light?
Michael Taylor – 4-for-4 and a double slam (5, 6) and legs (10). This was also his third steal in the past three games, and he was hitting leadoff. Taylor’s going H.A.M.!
Felix Hernandez – Will resume throwing soon. He’s been pitching a long time, so it’s surprising he’s only now updating his LinkedIn. *intern whispers in my ear* Turns out that’s resume as in begin to do.
Taijuan Walker – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.45. This game was in Fenway, so nice pants eggs if you started him.
Franklin Gutierrez – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, and his 3rd homer this weekend. The Big FraGu is on one, and that one is a hot schmotato carpet ride.
Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.76. I almost included Porcello in my Wei-Yin blurb about air quote safe starters, but I never considered Porcello safe. His 3.76 ERA doesn’t exactly disapprove anything anyway, so why don’t you stop arguing with me? We used to agree all the time. Damn, what a shame, said like Gordon Ramsay.
Rusney Castillo – Placed on waivers. He received $72.5 million to do nothing. He’s still owed $47 million in future earnings. Rusney could take all the money he made, move back to Cuba and start a Cuban Shark Tank as the Cuban Mark Cuban. “These are our decorated eggshells with Fidel’s face on each one. We call them, Castro’s Huevos.”
David Price – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.24. Price’s ERA in June is 2.32, which is also the price of Clorox that the people who sold him in May are ingesting.
Mookie Betts – 3-for-5 and his 15th homer. Yawn. Hit four homers in three at-bats and call me.
Jake Odorizzi – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.63. The only blemish on his otherwise solid start was a homer allowed to Brandon Belt (2-for-3, 2 runs and his 10th homer). Though, now Odorizzi goes to Baltimore, and you can imagine what the Stream-o-Nator says about it.
Matt Duffy – 2-for-3, and a homer on Saturday, his 4th, and had been hitting close to .350 in the last week, but exited Sunday’s game with an Achilles injury. Or as they call it in Mexico, chilachilles. I love me some chilachilles with green achillies sauce.
Steven Moya – 3-for-5 and his 1st homer. I picked him up when he was first called up for Just Dong, and am holding him. Moya has 30 homer power. Cust kayin’. Oh, and he Ks too.
Jordan Zimmermann – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.24. Bet he gets trounced in his next start. It’s not even a bad start (@Cle), but he’s been trading two decent starts with a bad start for about a month now. Unscientific!
Cody Reed – 7 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks. Not a bad showing in his first game that was an uneasy matchup. Was he nauseous? No, I mean it wasn’t easy. Then say that and stop having me parse your words! You sound angry, Random Italicized Voice. I’m pissed because the NBA is fixed! Heart you Stephanie Curry! Okay, so Reed’s first matchup vs. the Astros was iffy-ish, but I’d try him against the Padres this Friday because I can’t get enough upside until it’s ‘Oops, upside my head.’
Dallas Keuchel – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. Wanna know how good he’s been lately? He has an ERA of 4.62 in June, 6.63 in May and 4.41 in April. So, technically, he’s getting better just not relative to actual good pitchers.
Evan Gattis – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. I kept saying Gattis would be a top three catcher once he got eligibility, but he could be the top catcher this year. Not bad for a guy who just a few years ago got his name because he was living in a van with a giant spraypainted E on its side.
Tim Lincecum – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the A’s, in his 1st start for the Angels. He topped out at 91 MPH on Saturday, while averaging around 89 MPH. Doesn’t sound it, but Lincecum must be Italian because he throws meatballs.
Jered Weaver – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 1 K. Apparently, the A’s can’t hit a 88 MPH fastball. The Angels’ next starter will be a 8-year-old toddler punching an inflatable baseball towards the plate.