Jeurys Familia was given a 15-game suspension for domestic abuse charges filed against him this offseason. One could say Jeurys was given a 15-day DL trip to Familia, but the DL in this case is Dangerous Love. If there was anyone predestined for Family Court, it would be him. Familia was helped by his family’s testimony to Our Commissioner Manfred. They asked Familia be allowed to go on all Mets’ road trips. The Mets can sure pick closers. Let’s see: Familia; K-Rod attacked his father-in-law and Jenrry Mejia was permanently banned from MLB. The Mets don’t use a belt with their closer pants. They prefer suspenders! This is all an eerie reminder of past Mets violence when Justin Turner tried to help Ike Davis during one of his prolonged slumps. Any hoo! Familia will miss about six to eight saves and I’ve moved him down in my top 500 and moved up Addison Reed, his replacement. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Let me take you through the thought process of a writer like myself.
I constantly have thoughts relating to the game of baseball passing through my head. I’m sure many other baseball fanatics can relate. Ideas that have an added layer of intrigue tend to find there way onto my iPhone’s Notes app, to be revisited in a triage-like manner at points later in the day. What I’ve learned is that you can’t force these ideas.
So last Tuesday Grey and I joined a 12-team roto mock draft with the CBS Sports crew and I soon realized two things…Please, blog, may I have some more?
It’s for system writeups such as these that I save the high end scotch and vials of liquid acid. It’s not only because the Tigers farm system is so barren, but because I can see my future as a Red Sox fan flash before my eyes. Here’s to hoping Mr. Dombrowski, not scorching the earth of the Sawx farm the way he did the Tigers. With Detroit in full sell-mode, this could be one of the more “updated” system previews of the offseason. As for the current state of the farm, it’s comprised of a handful of recently drafted talents, some overhyped depth players, and a whole lot of specs that don’t deserve my brilliant prose. Okay, okay so maybe I’m being a bit hyperbolic on a few fronts, but all in all it’s an awful system. One of the bottom five I’ll cover, and quite possibly the worst one yet. It’s not that I hate Detroit Tigers Prospects, as much as I have little use for many of them. With that said there are two blokes in particular that I hold in high esteem. Who are they? Read on! It’s the Top Detroit Tigers Prospects.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jason Heyward has really been a thorn in my fantasy baseball (and real baseball) side for too long. He keeps poking me with his thorns and I do not like it. It’s been an up-and-down ride with him for me the last couple seasons. Prior to 2015 he was a member of the Atlanta Braves and he had the look of a future 30/20 guy at worst. In 2012 he hit 27 homers with 21 steals at age 22! He looked like a power hitter, and he had a solid defensive game to boot. A future superstar. But there were signs he wasn’t all that (his minor league numbers showed little power) and they continued in subsequent seasons with the Braves, where he only stole bases and never hit more than 14 homers. The Cardinals thought they were getting a good deal for Shelby Miller (not as good as the Braves got for Miller sheesh) and Heyward produced a decent fantasy season with 13 homers and 23 steals and a .797 OPS.
So, being a Cubs fan and a (now former) St. Louis resident when he signed with the Cubs I was pretty excited. He was a bonus to the Cubs and it made Cardinal fans pissed; that’s a win-win for me. Now all he had to be was as good as he was on the Cardinals and it’d be a win-win-win. Even though the Cubs are doing really well Heyward has stunk. Like terribly as many of you are aware. In 75 games so far he has four homers and seven steals and a .089 ISO and an OPS killing .649. If he’s bringing steals then you could argue him as a fifth OF, but he’s not even doing that. At least Joe Maddon finally, this past week, put him down, er, moved him down in the order. I can’t believe it took that long…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Hey, Razzball Nation, you know it’s your favorite white boy, right? I owe you this one. I’ve been patiently waiting for Gregory Polanco to explode on. You can pfft if you want but his ankles were rolled on. It feels like Polanco has been hot for so long. If you thinking he’s gonna fall off, you’re so wrong. Take some Marte and Polanc and you mix them up in a pot, sprinkle a ‘little Hurdle not knowing who to bat where,’ and what you got? You got the realest and illest batters, juggernauts of this fantasy shizz like it or not! Seriously, I’ve been waiting all season to feature Polanco in a lede. Yesterday, he rained some of his own fireworks on the 4th of who-lie (that’s how I pronounce it), knocking out two home runs (2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homers), and you might remember from my preseason rankings, this little beaut, “Two quick things: Yes, I’m aware that Polanco is ranked insanely high in my rankings vs. other people’s rankings. And, yes, I’m going to own Polanco on every team. Confession Alert! I had Polanco in the top 20 overall prior to seeing where others ranked him and moved him down a round. I could’ve moved him down six rounds and still had him higher than everyone. Polanco feels like an Arenado situation from last year. By that I mean, I will say something to another fantasy baseball ‘pert like, “Do you like Polanco?” They’ll reply, “Yeah, I love him.” I’ll follow up with, “Then why do you have him ranked 110 overall?” They’ll answer, “I don’t know.” Then my head will explode.” And that’s me mic dropping. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The BFG movie is coming out, based on Roald Dahl’s book; I remember back in junior high every girl and a few guys reading all his books, and if you were really cool, you knew how to pronounce his name. I was not cool and didn’t read his books, but did enjoy Willy Wonka. Back in those days though, BFG to me was a gun in DOOM, which they said stood for Big Fragging Gun, but we all knew better. Wow, I feel like I have pimples and am wearing flannel all over again.
Anyway, BFG stands for Big Friendly Giant in the book; but shouldn’t it stand for Big F***king Guy? I can’t think of a better description right now for Steven Moya. Moya measures at 6’7, 260 pounds (making him just taller than Roald Dahl at 6’6; I get the sneaking suspicion that at least some of the BFG is about Dahl himself; furthermore Dahl was a pilot all over the world in his youth. My question: how did he fit into the cockpit? Now that I think about it, I’ve never seen a tall pilot which makes sense since that cockpit is small – that’s what she said!)Please, blog, may I have some more?
At some point soon, the Yankees have to say to themselves, “Are we this stupid of an organization? We have a guy that is doing The Mashed Potato in the minors. Look at this…” Then a pile of balls that Aaron Judge hit are piled on the table, but instead of balls, they now look like mashed potatoes with stitches weaving throughout. “No, we didn’t have Lyle’s mom from accountant make a very long string of maraschino cherry stems tied together with her mouth. Those are baseballs with stitches that have been mashed by Judge.” One younger exec picks at a piece of mashed potato-baseball. “Stop picking at your food and eat it!” The young exec puts a piece of gummy baseball into his mouth. “I was kidding, you fool, it’s a baseball! You don’t eat that!” This has to happen soon. Aaron Judge is not getting any younger. Unlike me, I was 35 last year, and am 27 this year. Right now, he’s 24 years old and crushing pink cookies in Triple-A. The Yanks are nine games back and Tokyo drifting. No one on their team is young. Best move for them is to trade everyone or start benching guys to play Judge. Oh, and why do we care? Because Judge has Giancarlo-type power. He could hit 15 homers in a month. Fo’reallies. I have him stashed in one 12-team league, and I’d stash him in any league where I needed power. His time is nigh! Which sounds like something a Nazi would say, but it just means near. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Noah Syndergaard admitted to having an elbow bone spur after denying it multiple times. Terry Collins said, “No one would know our business if it wasn’t for giving the PR job to a puppy dog! Ruff ruff! Come here, Fido, I wanna spank you with a rolled up newspaper!” This is the 2nd Mets’ starter in two days with elbow spurs. I look forward to the opening round of the playoffs when all of the Mets’ starters are wearing Iron Mike Sharpe elbow pads to hold their arms together. Or they hire John Cusack to marionette their starters. So, this is obviously not good news from Syndergaard, but it’s also not the end of his season. He could opt for surgery if he’s in pain, but he says he’s not in pain (though, he also said he didn’t have elbow spurs up until yesterday). Jon Lester has pitched through elbow spurs for the last five years. It’s not uncommon for starters to power through. Would I look to sell Syndergaard low? No. If you can get a healthy, similar starter, then sure, why not? No reason to panic. Unless Syndergaard starts wearing cowboy boots on his elbow. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Trevor Bauer has a long history of not being great like he has long toss, which is to say he has it. Was that clear? Good. I’d hate to start us behind the eight ball for understanding one another. Unless it’s a Magic Eight Ball, then we’d be finishing each other’s sentences. But since you didn’t finish that sentence maybe our Magic Eight Ball says ‘Outlook: Cloudy.’ I feel like I just went into Home Depot, bought the color paint, Persimmon, then painted myself into a logic corner. Can we start again? Trevor Bauer’s history is as long as his long toss, which is to say he could throw from here to China, have the ball begin a trade agreement for fortune cookies, with us sending them to China, have fortune cookies become our number export over Kardashians and balance the budget, making Trump announce his running mate is Bauer’s ball from his long toss, the Ball Broker, as it’s colloquially known. That’s how long Bauer’s toss/history is. Long story short, Bauer’s been around a while. Long people short, Altuve. Bauer came up in 2013 with ‘He can be an ace’ pedigree, and failed. Then failed for three more years. Old dude I’m moving on, is what you’re thinking. Well, you’re thinking wrong. He’s only 25 years old. His velocity upticked to 93.3 MPH this year vs. 92.8 last year. His walks have always been issue. So far this year, not much of an issue. His Ks are always around 8.5, still there. His ground balls have been whatevs in the past. This year, they’re way up, which is to say down. Everyone has been burned by Bauer. Been there, need aloe for that. But he looks like he’s finally turned a corner, and he wouldn’t be the first pitcher in his third full year at the age of 25 to accomplish that. If you need a starter, I’d grab him. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
It feels like only yesterday J.D. Martinez injured himself, and it was yesterday if you were roofied. In his place, Steven Moya is filling in admirably. Yesterday, he went Yardo Montalban as he Tattooed the ball two times. Da plane, da plane…is flying right next to Moya’s homers! My dear guests! I am Mr. Albright, your host. Welcome… to Fantasy Baseball! Smiles, everyone, smiles! No, seriously, smile, you paid a lot of money for those caps. Moya now has three homers in his last three games, and if baseball is a game of inches, Moya’s got a lot of ’em. 79 inches to be exact. Not saying he’s John Holmes, he’s six-seven and looks like an easy 35-homer hitter. I watched him hit a ball the other way and he was like, “Yeah, okay, I guess I’ll hit this one out.” He looks like the kind of guy that could twelve homers in a month. If you’re power-starved, or just bored and wanna pick up a new player, I’d grab Moya. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
You know how they have pink bats for Mother’s Day? They should have bats in the shape of penises for Father’s Day. “Ooh, a swing and a miss. Damn, he had that schlong just out in front of that ball.” “You know socialism never worked, but penises have worked for thousands of years, depending on what interpretation of the Bible you ascribe to.” “Wow, what size bat is David Ortiz using?” Happy Father’s Day to all of our readers minus five ladies! Yesterday, for Dad’s Day, Julio Teheran showed us Americans how they do it in Iran on Father’s Day. Teheran #1 — ptooey everyone us! His line was 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks and 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.66. I’ve been saying for a few weeks now that Teheran is worth picking up. He’s obviously not this good. His xFIP is 3.97, but his walk rate is down from last year and his ground balls are up, not literally. Other than last year, he was a consistent low-3, high-2 ERA guy, and he looks like he found his way back there. By the way, if you’re thinking what I’m thinking, agreed, we should not allow any university lacrosse teams access to the penis bats. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
It’s June! That means Orange Is the New Black is back and Max Scherzer is dominating batters. If you haven’t seen the show, don’t worry. This write up contains no spoilers. All you need to know is that there is character named Crazy Eyes and Max has crazy eyes. Like the Orange Is the New Black fan base, Max loves June. Throughout his career, hitters only have a .284 wOBA in June. His first complete game came in June 2014 when he shut out the White Sox. His first no-hitter came in June 2015 against the Pirates at Nationals Park. It was nearly a perfect game, but was spoiled by Jose Tabata. BOLD PREDICTION ALERT: Scherzer will throw a perfect game today! It’s the only logical outcome. Sorry Padres fans, but the Padres are the team most likely for Max to achieve a perfect game against. They have a league low .278 wOBA and 75 wRC+ vs RHP. They also have the lowest BB/K ratio at .26 vs RHP. Max has been throwing close to 55% fourseamers this season, which the Padres have been hitting only .222 and slugging a league low .377 against. While Max has struggled against lefties this season, Jon Jay is the Padres best lefty… I’m not too concerned. Padres hitters are going to feel like they are in prison when the dig in to face off against Max. I now sentence to read the rest of my picks for this Saturday DK slate.
New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday June 20th to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.Please, blog, may I have some more?