Jeurys Familia was given a 15-game suspension for domestic abuse charges filed against him this offseason. One could say Jeurys was given a 15-day DL trip to Familia, but the DL in this case is Dangerous Love. If there was anyone predestined for Family Court, it would be him. Familia was helped by his family’s testimony to Our Commissioner Manfred. They asked Familia be allowed to go on all Mets’ road trips. The Mets can sure pick closers. Let’s see: Familia; K-Rod attacked his father-in-law and Jenrry Mejia was permanently banned from MLB. The Mets don’t use a belt with their closer pants. They prefer suspenders! This is all an eerie reminder of past Mets violence when Justin Turner tried to help Ike Davis during one of his prolonged slumps. Any hoo! Familia will miss about six to eight saves and I’ve moved him down in my top 500 and moved up Addison Reed, his replacement. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:
Delino DeShields – Expected to leadoff and have the starting left field job. Let’s go through our recent Delino history. At some point in early December 2015, I stated in no uncertain terms that Delino would be better than Lou Gehrig and he’d go on a barnstorming tour around the country, impregnating women and signing autographs that will be on Antiques Roadshow in 80 years when it’s hosted by Mark Walberg Jr. Jr. Jr. the Third. Then by March of 2016, I had moved Delino DeShields into the top 50 overall and started calling him Delino DeShizz, eventually losing the first name completely like he was some kind of reverse Prince or Madonna. Then, by April 2016, the DeShizz started to be taken more literally and, by June, I didn’t even know who you were talking about when he was mentioned. Usually comments on him went like this, “Can I drop Delino?” Me, “Who?” Then I’d IP block that person. So, here we are again. I don’t doubt Delino’s ability. He can hit 10 homers and steal 40+ bases if he gets into the right groove in the season. Obviously, the downside is what happened last year. I’ve moved him up in my top 500 and top 80 outfielders.
J.D. Martinez – Just Dong sprained his Lisfranc, which sounds like some kind of European treaty. “At the Lisfranc Accords, Goebbels dropped trou and asked the Austrian diplomat to kiss his birthmark that looked just like a poppyseed bagel.” A little history lesson for everyone. Goebbels was very proud of his poppyseed bagel birthmark that resided on his backside, but he called it a poopyseed bagel. So, this obviously sucks major poopyseed bagels for Just Dong. I’ve docked him hundred at-bats and dropped him in my top 100 and top 40 outfielders. I’d still draft him, but I’ll be damned in the poopyseed if I don’t think we’re never going to see more than 400 ABs from this guy ever.
Matt Boyd – Won 5th starter job, i.e., the Tigers said, “Yeah, Boyd!” as they were rocking a giant clock around their neck.
Steven Moya – Was released to waivers, which is odd, because, ya know, he’s the Tigers’ center fielder. JaCoby Jones is an interesting name. It’s like, “Damn it, it’s a hard C!” He’s also interesting because he stands to get playing time in center. Could be platooning with Tyler Collins. Jones looks poised to hit .215 with everyday ABs, but could steal some bases and hit for a little power (think 12/15-type player). Obviously more of an AL-Only play.
Carlos Carrasco – Returned without incident. I just had an orgasmic sigh of relief.
Lonnie Chisenhall – Will start year on DL. The Indians did go out and get Encarnacion (which was likely an overpay), but they should be ashamed of themselves for the lack of offense they have. Their pitching can get them back to the playoffs, but in their starting lineup is: Giovanny Urshela, Abraham Almonte, Yan Gomes and Tyler Naquin. They better hope Bradley Zimmer comes in June with a lead pipe and is ready to murder Mrs. Peacock, otherwise they don’t have a clue.
Jung Ho Kang – May not be able to play this season because he flew too close to Mr. Tippler and his Merry Band of Alcoholics and had his work visa revoked. I’m sure no matter the country, he will retain his POS eligibility. He was removed from the top 20 3rd basemen and top 500.
Chad Kuhl – Officially won a rotation spot. Kuhl, man.
Tyler Glasnow – Pirates are leaning towards him for the 5th rotation spot. That gives me a Glasnow smile, like I’m in Peaky Blinders. I have him ranked and projected in the top 100 starters. Nothing would change if he gets the rotation job, except now I’d expect him to get shut down in August vs. not being around in April.
Jose Berrios – Won’t make the Twins’ rotation. Berrios should change his name to, “Tyra GIF.” We were all rooting for you, man.
Kyle Freeland – Leading candidate for 5th spot in Rockies’ rotation or as it’s known on other teams, “You should be in Double-A.”
Scott Kazmir – Will start the year on the DL. In other news, taco diarrhea burns.
Hyun-Jin Ryu– Will start the year in the rotation. Dave Roberts said so, then stole second. I’m not moving Ryu in my rankings in the top 100 starters. Sure, he could be a lot better than I have him projected for, or he could get injured within three days of Opening Day. He’s been on the shelf longer than Tatum O’Neal’s Golden Globe for Paper Moon.
Brandon McCarthy – Won the final Dodgers’ rotation spot over Alex Wood. Commie bastards in Hollyweird keeping McCarthyism alive and well! I haven’t touched my starter rankings on any of these guys, because McCarthy averages 17 innings a year, so he won’t last long. Urias will likely ‘see’ most of the time in the 5th rotation spot this year.
Jhonny Peralta – Will be the starting 3rd baseman, and Jedd Gyorko will play all around the field. Just call him a circle Gyorko. This didn’t change anything in my rankings or projections, because this is pretty much how Gyorko played last year and he still hit 30 homers. Plus, the Superfluous H can’t stay healthy.
Carlos Rodon – MRI came back clean on his tight biceps, no structural issues found. Sounds like he’s built like a….brick! House! He’s mighty mighty! I haven’t moved Rodon in the rankings, because it sounds like he’ll only miss one start.
Steven Matz – Dealing with elbow irritation. Is he trying to grow arm hair? Sorry, I thought I said elbow irrigation. My b. Matz is looking at altering his mechanics to avoid elbow pain. Why didn’t anyone else think of that over the last five years? Of course, altering mechanics! Can he throw with his feet? That would solve everything! I have Seth Lugo in one deep NL-Only league, and I’d look at Zack Wheeler. The Matz dream appears to be dying on the vine like, uh, Vine.
Juan Lagares – Out with a strained oblique. His colander runneth over!
Jon Niese – Cut by Yankees, then re-signed to a minor league contract. There has been a long shadow over his entire career, but enough about his nose!
Aaron Judge – Appears to be losing the battle of Aarons to Hicks for the right field job, which is ludicrous. I mean, I like Aaron Hicks, but at what point do the Yankees actually start playing for the future and stop trying to win 84 games and just miss the playoffs. This is beyond frustrating, especially when you consider Judge is hitting .345 in the spring with only 13 Ks in 58 ABs.
Jordan Montgomery – Vying for the Yankees’ 5th rotation spot. My quick and dirty take on him is he’s a junkball pitcher who throws like he’s a 37-year-old who has made adjustments from his fireball youth days. He has decent Ks in the minors (and spring), but junk plays in the minors better than it plays in the majors. He could be a 4.50 ERA pitcher in the majors with a 6+ K/9 and I wouldn’t be surprised. Impressed, I am not. Talk like Yoda, I am doing.
Michael Bourn – Released by the Orioles. For Bourn, I spy a has-been.
Devon Travis – Optimistic to be ready for Opening Day. I’m optimistic he can play 150 games this year. I think my glass is more full than his glass.
Erick Aybar – Will be starting shortstop in San Diego. Not surprising from an organization that called Jered Weaver their big, offseason free agent signing. At least Aybar can reach first on one hop unlike Weaver.
Carter Capps – Will start the year on the DL. I got the feels he’s not going to be right all year, but we’ll see. I’ve obviously Capps’d my enthusiasm very low.
Jorge Soler – Out with a strained oblique, and will likely miss a week or two of the regular season. I’m starting to think Jorge Soler is Spanish for “Where the sun don’t shine.”
Raul Mondesi – Won the starting 2B job in Kansas, officially beating out Whit Merrifield. Whit said, “2B or not 2B, that is the question between me and Mondesi,” then the rest of the team tried not to make eye contact. Mondesi is ranked on the top 20 2nd basemen.
Peter O’Brien – Optioned to Triple-A Omaha. Maybe he can be an extra in the next Alexander Payne movie.
Lorenzo Cain – Scratched with a sore oblique. At least Cain…Sugar! isn’t hiding from his true day-to-day nature.
Alex Cobb – Dealing with a sore lower back. Sometimes I get a sore upper back from carrying around my wings because I am an angel on earth.
Derek Norris – Signed with the Rays, which essentially moves his value back to where it was when he first signed with the Nats, only without the good lineup around him. This will also put Norris in mortal danger, because he’s now replacing Psycho Killer, Curt Casali. Norris has been updated in the top 20 catchers.
Peter Bourjos – Traded to the Rays for a player to be named later. That player is likely ‘you seriously won’t care.’ When Peter left the White Sox, the players Bourjos’d some out for the player who is no longer there. On the Rays, Bourjos will be a platoon player and is not interesting for fantasy.
Jacob May – But the new White Sox center fielder is interesting! That was confusing if you didn’t read Bourjos’ blurb. In the minors last year, May stole 19 bags in only 83 games. Jarrod Dyson just changed his name to Jacob May, didn’t he? Doode, you’re so busted! Go back to the Mariners before I tell on you! I’m a snitch, yo! May is a decent endgame flyer for SAGNOF, but he only hit .266 in Triple-A, doesn’t walk and wouldn’t be surprised if he is overmatched in the majors and platoons with Leury Garcia.
A.J. Pierzynski – Retired from baseball. We are now left with only one A.J. Pollock in the majors.
Robbie Grossman – Paul Molitor said Grossman should be ready for Opening Day. He then added, “Holy f*ck this team is bad if I’m excited about Robbie Grossman.”
Byung Ho Park – Blistering the baseball this spring. Him, Jabari Blash and Jesus Aguilar are a fire emoji that is humping an eggplant emoji. With that said, spring training stats mean about as much as postseason stats, and what a guy did in June of last year and what a player does home or away in a new park after they’re traded. It means nothing. Last year, Maikel Franco led the spring with 9 homers. He was fine last year, but did you get a sense he was all-world after that spring? Michael Taylor hit .453 last spring; Chad Pennington hit .404; Brandon Belt had five homers and a .780 SLG. It’s meaningless. If you want to take a last round flyer on a guy hitting in the spring, it’s fine by me, but he’ll likely be the first guy off your team in April.
Scooter Gennett – Claimed off waivers by Reds. Scooter will play all around the field, bringing along his own transportation.
Devin Mesoraco – Out for Opening Day. I can’t believe I drafted this schmohawk in Tout Wars. He should make teams beautiful by comparison, but it just never works out that way.
Desmond Jennings – Re-assigned to minor league camp. Desmond is a constant all right, a constant disappointment. Snap!
Raisel Iglesias – Church threw a side session and felt fine. Five over-the-internet dollars says he won’t feel fine by mid-April. I own Drew Storen in a few leagues, for what it’s Werth.
Amir Garrett – Him and Rookie Davis won two rotation spots on the Reds’ staff. Muslim Mrs. Garrett and Placeholder Rookie aren’t interesting outside of deep, NL-Only leagues. Muslim Mrs. Garrett at least could get some Ks while providing life experience to a group of kids at an all-girls’ boarding school.
Bronson Arroyo – Won the final Reds’ rotation spot. He did it with a fastball that scouts describe as “Ultimate Frisbee-esque.”
David Price – Am I the only one sick of David Price updates? Now, the Red Sox say he’ll be back in May. As I’ve said previously, they are going to say he’ll be back, then he’s going to try to come back, then they’re gonna say he’s not ready, then they’re going to say, “Hey, is everyone meeting at O’Brien’s tonight?” Then they’re gonna say, “Oh, you want a Price update? Yeah, he’ll be back in June.” Then in June they’re going to shut him down for the season. The crystal ball is pretty specific, what do you want?
Tyler Thornburg – Out with a shoulder impingement. If Kimbrel goes down now, oofa. Or as I my autocorrect wanted to right, Timber….sofa! Which is how I fall onto the couch every night. I’ve removed Thornburg from my top 500. I didn’t add in Joe Kelly, but I guess he’s the handcuff now. *cut to three months later* And the Red Sox have just traded for Neftali Feliz!
Steven Wright – Threw yesterday with an elastic knee brace. Said it didn’t affect his pitching, but his soccer game is a mess.
Drew Pomeranz – Red Sox would like to see him stretched to 90 pitches before committing him to rotation. Man, Pomeranz needs to pitch on a poor team in a good park in the NL so bad. Well, guess that should say, “Dawg, Pomeranz…”
Collin McHugh – Won’t be ready to start the year, due to a dead arm. This sorta thing usually takes care of itself after a week or two, so I’m not too concerned. I’m also not drafting him, so there’s that.
Colby Rasmus – Will start year on DL with–Oh my God, have you seen his beard? He confused Spring Training with Rumspringa.
