Thor Should’ve Known Better To Cheat Fans About Careless Bone Spur

Yesterday, Noah Syndergaard admitted to having an elbow bone spur after denying it multiple times.  Terry Collins said, “No one would know our business if it wasn’t for giving the PR job to a puppy dog!  Ruff ruff!  Come here, Fido, I wanna spank you with a rolled up newspaper!”  This is the 2nd Mets’ starter in two days with elbow spurs.  I look forward to the opening round of the playoffs when all of the Mets’ starters are wearing Iron Mike Sharpe elbow pads to hold their arms together.  Or they hire John Cusack to marionette their starters.  So, this is obviously not good news from Syndergaard, but it’s also not the end of his season.  He could opt for surgery if he’s in pain, but he says he’s not in pain (though, he also said he didn’t have elbow spurs up until yesterday).  Jon Lester has pitched through elbow spurs for the last five years.  It’s not uncommon for starters to power through.  Would I look to sell Syndergaard low?  No.  If you can get a healthy, similar starter, then sure, why not?  No reason to panic.  Unless Syndergaard starts wearing cowboy boots on his elbow.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

James Loney – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  He took Shawn Kelley (1 1/3 IP, 2 ER) deep because Dusty refuses to start the ninth with Kelley, and a reliever is accustomed to pitching the inning they come into, not go to the bench and back out.  I think I’ve figured out why Dusty keeps doing this.  It’s the 8th inning, and Dusty goes to his setup man, then when the ninth rolls around, he realizes his setup man is also his closer.  Does Dusty walk to the mound before the 9th and signal Kelley from the bullpen when he’s actually in the dugout?

Mat Latos – Signed a deal with the Nats.  Yeah, that rotation has a ton of room for him.  Dallas Latos should fit right in in Washington too, though only thing I know of Washington I learned from House of Cards.

Max Scherzer – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.30.  Fun fact!  His full first name is Maximillivanilli.

Daniel Murphy – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homer, hitting .352.  Out of curiosity, I went and looked at what I paid for Murphy in an NL-Only 12 team league:  $16.  Best $16 I spent aside from that two-thirds of a lap dance where she was kind enough to wear a Giancarlo jersey.

David Price – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 10 Ks in Tampa, ERA up to 4.74.  You can’t ever go home again, as illustrated by the classic 90s film, Beautiful Girls.

Hanley Ramirez – Left yesterday’s game with an oblique injury.  Looks like the old Hanley has returned!

Brandon Guyer – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer.  When he crosses home plate, he should scream, “You know who just homered?  This Guyer!”  Then double-thumb chest jab.

Matt Moore – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.67.  Solid game, but I’m not gonna fall for the ol’ banana in the ol’ tailpipe again.

Brad Miller – 2-for-3, 1 run.  Homer two days ago, hitting near-.350 in the last week.  Still hot, still schmotatoing.

Daniel Norris – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.09.  Not terrible, but kinda meh start when he should’ve waltzed right over the Marlins while screaming hoo-ah like a demented Al Pacino.  He just doesn’t look 100% yet.  I’m cyclops’ing him, but I wouldn’t add him in many mixed leagues yet.

Steven Moya – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .317, in only 17 games, and he just missed a 2nd homer yesterday.  I think if more people saw this guy batting, more people would be adding him.  He looks like an easy 35-homer hitter.  So, here’s your homework, watch him hit a home run.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer.  He is the type to get hot for about 3-5 games, so I could see adding him, if he plays.  With Saltymochachino, you don’t want to be latte to the party.

Miguel Cabrera – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .301.  I felt nostalgic yesterday, so I was looking at his career marks:  425 HRs, .320 average, 2418 hits, only 33 years old.  If he plays until he’s 40, he could have 3,000 hits and 600 HRs (average about 25 HRs/season).  He’d be in the top 5 all-time convo.  Then be left off of about ten HOF ballots to prove a point.

Cameron Maybin – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .348.  Maybin’s aiming to be a chapter in Malcolm Gladwell’s followup to Outliers called, “Crazy Outlying Outliers.”

Tom Koehler – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 4.45.  This reminds me of another Koehler — my toilet.

Martin Prado – 4-for-5, 1 run, hitting .316.  You know Loria only bought Prado because there’s a famous art museum by the same name.  You know this, right?

Mark Trumbo – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 23rd homer.  If I owned him, I’d never leave my house, because I’d be blowing my own Trumbo.

Jonathan Schoop – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .301.  *shrugs*  I don’t know why you want pick him up either.

Brett Wallace – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer.  I miss Brett Wallace’s profile pic that made his face look like a pressed ham.

DJ LeMahieu – Still out with knee soreness.  Remember about a week ago I traded Rudy for LeMahieu sending Carlos Estevez?  (No, this isn’t a Rockies-only league.)  Well, I traded LeMahieu three days later with K-Rod, getting Chris Archer, because I am not glutton-for-punishment free.

Tyler Anderson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.66.  Petco playing small, Coors pitchers pitching well, cats and dogs living together in harmony!  What is going on in this world?  Anderson’s peripherals look terrific — 9.1 K/9, 1.9 BB/9, 2.61 xFIP.  Those are ace numbers.  The issue is he’s old for no real major league experience and his stuff doesn’t read as a 9+ strikeout guy.  I could see a flyer on him in a road start, even if Stream-o-Nator thinks I’m crazy.

Aaron Sanchez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks in Coors, ERA down to 3.08.  Damn, Cousin Sweatpants, he’s not only excelling in the AL East, but also going in the hardest park and putting up juju fruits that don’t get stuck in your teeth.  Hard to believe I held Chris Archer and dropped Sanchez.  *sees results of online IQ test*  Okay, not that hard to believe.

Josh Donaldson – 2-for-4 and his 18th homer, hitting .294.  He’s on pace for 35 HRs, 110 runs, 105 RBIs and 10 steals.  I’m like Nassau, because I just got all county!

Jake Lamb – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .288.  He’s one baaaaaah’d ass man.  I searched through my mighty archives, and I said to Buy him on April 22nd.  Also, in that post, buy Schoop, which is what I’ve been saying ever since.  No wonder why I’m nuttier than a fruitcake.

Archie Bradley – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.50.  He was a streamer yesterday, and the Stream-o-Nator would hold him for his next start too.

Mark Appel – Phils’ top prospect is done for the year with a bone spur on his elbow.  In related news, the Mets’ front office stuck their fingers in their ears and said, “Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah, I can’t hear you.”

Cody Asche – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs.  He’s been quietly productive, hitting .289.  No real power, or speed.  Okay, super, super quiet.

Cesar Hernandez – 4-for-5 1 run, hitting over-.400 in the last week.  Could be a light schmotato without the fixin’s.

Jett Bandy – 1-for-5 and his 2nd homer.  I feel like Jett Bandy should be dressed like a character on Street Fighter.

Jered Weaver – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.51.  Jered Weaver should’ve been out of baseball two years ago.  Hashtag Sciosciapath.

A.J. Reed – 0-for-5, still hitless since arrival in the majors.  Are we sure he remembered his bats from the minors?

Luis Valbuena – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .259.  Had it been three weeks since he was hot?  Look at that, it has.  Like a clock, you!  Valbuena is hitting over-.300 in the last week and usually hits homers in bunches.

Jose Altuve – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 1 RBI and his 21st steal, hitting .355.  Dude’s a machine.  Ohmigod!  Altuve is Small Wonder!

George Springer – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 17th homer.  I’d say something super awesome, but I just got an email stating that I’m inheriting millions from a relative I never heard of!  Peace out, suckers!  *three minutes later*  Cougs, tells me I shouldn’t have sold our place for a dollar to our neighbor.

Dallas Keuchel – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (3 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 5.13.  Even against a lousy team (Angels), in a good park (Angel Stadium — creative!), Keuchel just doesn’t look good.  Three walks vs. four Ks?  That’s the new bleh.

Joe Panik – Hit the DL with a concussion.  Call him Joe Chronictraumaticencephalopathy.

Sean Manaea – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.40 vs. Jake Peavy – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  This matchup was billed as Jake and the Samoan, which was also the name of a South Pacific remake of Jake and the Fatman.

Jameson Taillon – 6 IP, 1 ER, 0 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Not to get all creepy, but I like to watch him pitch.  That is all.

David Freese – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer.  Earmuffs, young readers — it’s the freakin’ Freese!

Lorenzo Cain – Hit the DL with a hamstring strain.  Cain shoulda eased into the free base.

Kendrys Morales – 3-for-4.  I would hope by now you just know what to do.

Carlos Martinez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.83, after having a 4.25 ERA on May 25th.  He course corrected like a substitute teacher without the ‘Kick Me’ sign on his back.

Seung Hwan Oh – 1 IP, 1 ER without giving up a hit.  So, not Taguchi, Oh gave up a run, but was the victim of some poor defense, his own included.  He’s still likely the first guy for a save, but the situation got murkier, especially with Rosenthal looking decent (1 IP, 0 ER).

Stephen Piscotty – 2-for-6 and his 9th homer, hitting .288.  How does he do it?  Piscotty doesn’t know!  Piscotty doesn’t know!

Joel De La Cruz – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K.  When I Googled Joel De La Cruz, it said, “Did you mean Jorge De La Rosa?”  When I said no, Google said, “Are you sure because Joel De La Cruz is even worse than Jorge De La Rosa?”

Jace Peterson – 2-for-3.  Yesterday, I called him a hot schmotato.  Today, I’m saying same.

Danny Salazar – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.22.  If you remember (you don’t), during my recap of my RCL draft, I said that JFOH drafted in front of me and grabbed Salazar right before me, so I went with Chris Archer.  *shakes fist*  DAH!!!

Lonnie Chisenhall – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .297.  That was his third homer in the last four games, hitting near-.450 in the last week.  Whatever Uribe was smoking last week, Chisenhall is puff-puff not passing.

Rajai Davis – 2-for-4, 1 run.  Damn, my boo was back in the lineup.  Don’t know how you go from sitting someone three times in the last four games, then put him at leadoff.  Seems counterintuitive.  Or maybe I just spy some counterintelligence.

Masahiro Tanaka – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 3.35.  Yesterday CC, today Tanaka.  The Regression Fairies are spending a lot of time in New York.  I wonder if they went to see Kinky Boots.

Chase Headley – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .250.  I know you don’t remember, because you want to drop Justin Upton for Tyler Naquin, but when Headley first went to the Yankees, people were saying, “Aw sookie wookie not dookie, Headley’s gonna hit 25+ homers!”  Incredibly, Yankee Stadium didn’t turn him into a top 10 outfielder.

Brian McCann – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homers, hitting .229.  That’s one homer for every Lasik operation he had.  Wow, Lasik does fix everything, except his awful average and hitting so poorly he fell into a platoon.  Instead of putting in contacts, he should use that time to practice.  That extra 12 seconds a day in the cage!

Didi Gregorius – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .290.  He led the Yanks to a huge come from behind win, crushing Sam Dyson (1/3 IP, 4 ER), which was a double-edged sword for Yankee fans.  As they celebrated, someone dumped Gatorade on McCann, but accidentally got Suzyn Waldman for the worst wet t-shirt on a baseball diamond since Roseanne got spittle on her shirt.

Yu Darvish – Threw a simulated game.  My enthusiasm for him waned hardcore like EPMD after he returned then got injured again.  I’m hoping to see Darvish again this year, but I have my doubts.

Rougned Odor – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer.  If you’re wondering where this power came from, in my Rougned Odor sleeper, I did say he could hit 22 homers.  Natch, snitches!

Adrian Beltre – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer.  That deserves a head pat!

Todd Frazier – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 22nd homer.  Earlier this season, I traded Frazier to Prospector Ralph (full trade was Frazier/Mazara for Wade Davis and Hosmer).  Well, guess what?  I traded to get Frazier back!  That’s right, I traded Jose Abreu to Ralph for Frazier.

James Shields – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Shields was happy to be facing an NL offense again!  Okay, he faced the Twins, but same diff.

Brett Lawrie – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, and, like, his 12th homer in the last week while hitting close to a thousand.  Seriously, he’s burned everyone, I know.  But grab him now.

Eduardo Nunez – 3-for-5 and his 11th homer, hitting .316.  All Nunez does is everything!  Want steals?  Done!  Power?  Okay, here ya go.  Need average?  Don’t ask twice!

Junior Guerra – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.25.  He likely should’ve been the lede today, but he had a lede already this year, and Guerra does not deserve two ledes in the same season.  The difference in Guerra from that post to now, I’m beginning to think the projections don’t know what to make of him, so he’s doing better than anticipated.  Would I own him?  In 15-team mixed leagues and deeper.  In 12, I’d still stream him.

Brock Stewart – 5 IP, 5 ER in his first major league start.  Prospector Ralph just gave you his Brock Stewart fantasy.  It was less awkward than Bill Simmons on Any Given Wednesday.  New drinking game, every time he moves his hands to his lap, drink.

Ryan Braun – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .325.  He’s been a lot less valuable this year than you might think looking at his homers and average, because his runs and RBIs are pretty meh.  There’s no PEDs for counting stats, apparently.

Javier Baez – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 5th steal, hitting .266.  Still only owned in 25% of leagues.  Or is he?!  Reversal Question, I can read his ownership numbers.  “My bad…Or is it?!”  I will say that Razzball readers are hella smarter than ESPN’s usual schmohawks.  In Razzball leagues, he’s owned in 93% of leagues.  How did I get that info?  It’s on our Player Rater and the Hitter-Tron.

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer.  HR to the Rizzo!  His home run was an inside-the-parker that went about 300 feet into left-center.  Hamilton dove and the ball careened off his head.  You know the last person to aid a home run with their head?  Madonna sperm donor!  Jose Canseco!

Addison Russell – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer.  I’m not saying it’s not without reason, but it’s still remarkable that Maddon has never batted Russell above fifth for more than one game in his career.  I mean, Heyward is out yesterday and Bryant moves up.  Lil Szczur has even batted leadoff this year.  In 726 career ABs, Russell has started one game in the five hole and nothing above that.  I wouldn’t be surprised if Maddon would bat a pitcher above the five hole before Russell.

Albert Almora – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer.  To avoid having PETA throw paint at me, I don’t want to beat this dead horse, but even Almora has a game started at leadoff.

Billy Hamilton – Placed under concussion protocol, which sounds like something from A Few Good Men.  “You’re goddamn right I ordered the concussion protocol!”

Cody Reed – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 9.00.  I think he’s ready to become the Reds’ closer!

Adam Duvall – 2-for-3 and his 22nd homer.  Should be a real ratings coup for ESPN when Adam Duvall wins the Home Run Derby.  “The only point of this facacta thing is for eyeballs!  We want eyeballs!  And Duvall’s winning?!  No one tunes in for Adam Duvall!  Unless…Maybe he can hit homers off a chair like Spud Webb.”