Phillies Retire Roy’s Number While Zack Retires Mets’ Lumber

On the day the Phils retired Roy Halladay’s uniform number, Zack Wheeler was the first Phillies pitcher to retire 22 consecutive batters in a start since May 29, 2010 — Roy Halladay’s perfect game. How does baseball baseball so entirely? Of course, Roy Halladay Day was going to feature a complete game shutout vs. the Mets. It’s baseball baseballing. Anything else would’ve been shocking. Can you just bet the Mets will suffer? Does Vegas take that sorta bet? Awkward segue alert! The Patreon podcast is booked to do a live show in Vegas with me, Donkey and Billy. Details are on the podcast. So, how do you bet the Mets will suffer? Do you bet something like, “I want…The Mets to suffer plus ‘will be swept,’ plus ‘while being shutout,’ plus ‘while going against the ex-Mets pitcher, Zack Wheeler (9 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.42),’ plus ‘while losing 1st place.'” That’s like a Quinella combined with a Pick 6. Wheeler has the 2nd best xFIP of qualified starters; 2nd best FIP if you prefer that; 3rd best xERA if you want that; 10.4 K/9, 2 BB/9, his best velocity of his career (!) and best SwStr%. It’s hard to imagine Zack Wheeler being ranked any lower than the top five starters for 2022 fantasy baseball. Since he’s an ex-Met, that might be the bonus number on the Pick 6. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Bryce Harper – 1-for-3 and his 20th homer, hitting…Guess. C’mon, he’s been hitting around .250 for the last few years, right? So, you can guess close. Yes, I’m purposely trying to mislead you, he’s hitting .302.

J.T. Realmuto – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer, hitting .271. “Hey, Mets, you got sauced!” That’s Jerry Tomato during his home run trot.

Jean Segura – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer, hitting .309. Where, pray tell, is that Jeanilla sourced from?

Aroldis Chapman – Hit the IL with a sore elbow. Donkey Teeth cursed me into trading for Aroldis, and he cursed me to think giant teeth were attractive. I am now a psychologically scarred man who points at John Elway and says, “Handsome.” Someone help me. Johnny Lasagna would be my first choice for Yankees saves, and, not to get cheesy, Lasagna’s also their best choice, but they have Chad Green, nah’mean? No points for rhyming, but there should be. I grabbed Lasagna and Green in different leagues. Kinda hoping it’s Lasagna, because I grabbed him in the league where Donkey cursed me. If you want Donkey to curse you as well, check out his fantasy football rankings.

Anthony Rizzo – Hit the Covid IL. Yesterday, was also his birthday. “Surprise!” That’s Covid to Rizzo. Hopefully, it’s only ten days for C to the Ovid.

Luis Gil – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 0.00, thru two starts. Just gave you about 500 words in Friday’s Buy. I’m a fan, which I said while spinning on the ceiling.

Yusei Kikuchi – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.73. When you look at the Yankees’ lineup (though, minus Rizzo) and that stadium’s short porch, it’s truly remarkable any pitcher holds them to zip.

Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.90 vs. Nick Pivetta – 6 IP, 1 hit, 1 walk, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.34. A player said recently — think it was Lindor — that players don’t want to play 9-inning doubleheaders, and enjoy 7-inning affairs. The truth is, I’m guessing some days no one wants to play one inning. They’ll never tell you that, but it just feels like some days they’re like, “Meh, whatever.”

Hyun-Jin Ryu – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.62. Ha, nothing like waiting to get out of that goof stadium in Buffaloronto to spew the dog’s breakfast all over the plate.

George Springer – 2-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .286. May all your players return from extended IL stints to be as good as George Springer. Hayzeus Cristo, give me more George Springer!

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (35) and legs (3), hitting .318. Cake Batter aka Duncan Hiney aka Vlad Jr., why didn’t I draft you in every league this year at your 40 ADP? Not to answer, but to mourn our losses.

Tanner Houck – 3 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.45. I hate 7-inning doubleheaders for so many reasons, but one big one is I don’t know if the manager’s usage of a player is indicative of anything. So, is Houck a 4 IP guy or was that due to the doubleheader? These are the kind of things I think about while trying to get strangers t0 remark on how cool my mustache is.

Chris Sale – Will be activated on Saturday for his start vs. the Orioles. It will be exactly two years since his last major league start, which is just a little too cute. Though, I guess with Sale ‘being cute’ is better than ‘being cut.’

Matt Barnes – 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.78, and his 5th blown save. John Henry started pretending the Red Sox were a small market team a while ago. Red Sox punted the deadline. They punted the offseason free agents. Is it surprising they’re fading? Not really. Can only paste together a pitching staff with popsicle sticks for so long. This is a long way of saying Barnes is showing signs of fading, but not sure the Red Sox care to replace him.

Brandon Belt – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, and his 4th homer in the last three games. Hot schmotato alert!

Darin Ruf – 1-for-3, and his 13th homer, hitting .275, as he hits third for the best team in baseball and I am howling in laughter.

James Kaprielian – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.22, as he was activated from the IL. Mostly just a MediaOAKer pitcher, and the Streamonator doesn’t love his next one, so I’d let someone else take the flyer.

Seth Brown – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer. With Ramon Laureano getting busted for spending too long in the Cheat Zone with the poppy PED pills, Brown should see the right side of a platoon, and has power. By the way, a smart move by the Astros would be to pay for an attorney to sue Laureano on behalf of Brandon Bielak. Just like Bolsinger is suing the Astros, sue Laureano for cheating, and knocking Bielak out of the majors.

Luis Robert – Will return today. Happy for Luis Robert and Eloy and all of the people who have them on fantasy teams, but can I ask a serious question? What in the living eff happened to Mike Trout?

Carlos Rodon – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 2 walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.38. Sixth career game with 10+ strikeouts and no more than two hits allowed. That’s two more such games than any other pitcher in White Sox history. A team with a history dating back to the 1890s when they used to call outs “gouts” because everyone had it. Rodon might just be pretty special.

Eloy Jimenez – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer. Also, in this game (inning?), Tim Anderson (3-for-5, 2 runs) hit his 11th, and Andrew Vaughn (2-for-3, 3 RBIs) hit his 13th. Truly is a shame how this big market White Sox keep beating up on the small market Cubs.

Adbert Alzolay – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.71. Made a pretty difficult matchup vs. the White Sox look fairly easy, and the Streamonator says it hates his next start vs. the Brewers, but I could see it.

Ryan Mountcastle – Hit the concussion IL. The entire city of Glouchester-by-the-Sea is counting on Mountcastle getting his bearings back and recovering from amnesia to solve the crime. Or. Dot dot dot. He doesn’t really have amnesia?! Duh-duh-DUH!

Cedric Mullins – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 20th homer. If he were a Yankee, as he will be once he becomes a free agent, he’d have 29 homers. Wanna really blow your mind? He’d only have 12 homers in Coors!

Anthony Santander – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. He’d have 12 homers as a Yankee. He’d only have three homers as a Rockies player. Why is it so fun to look at shizz like this? I don’t know, but these stats are super stupid, because it’s assuming all the homers are HOMErs, and it’s not accounting for anything else, like elevation.

Brett Phillips – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homer, hitting .212. ACKCHUALLY, have Phillips in an AL-Only league, and I even have him benched there. Sonavabench! I do have Michael Wacha too (5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.49), and started him. Sonavastart!

Dylan Carlson – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .256. What’s the opposite of Adam Duvall? That’s Dylan Carlson. His hot weeks don’t seem that dramatically different than his cold weeks.

Josiah Gray – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.00. Hey, this Gray guy is pretty awesome! And Josiah ain’t bad either.

Adam Duvall – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer. *signs over deed to house to bet Duvall will homer in the Braves’ next game*

Tejay Antone – Began a rehab assignment. You might remember he went on the IL in June with a forearm strain, and since he’s trying to rehab it, he’ll be back on the IL again in about a month.

Vladimir Gutierrez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.15. Feels like the guys with little-to-no fanfare are the ones that are doing the best. With that said, this guy’s peripherals are terrible and I wouldn’t go near Gutierrez.

Tyler Mahle – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.78. One thing I should mention here with the Reds’ starters, they were facing the Pirates, who are booty, and not as in a treasure.

Mychal Givens – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA 2.27, as he secured his 2nd save. Will David Bell have a brain cramp and randomly use Amir Garrett to close games next time out? Maybe, but I’d still grab Givens.

Bryse Wilson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.43. Streamonator hates his next start, but it’s in PNC, a solid park, and it’s vs. the Brewers. I could see the stream, tee bee aitch.

Ke’Bryan Hayes – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .254. This guy’s power is so weak I’m about to start calling him Ke’Bohm Hayes.

Luis Garcia – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.29. Not bad for a guy who acts as a middle infielder in Washington four days a week.

Lance McCullers – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.22. There were 18 qualified starters who had an ERA under 3.50 in 2019. Do you think that number is lower or higher this year? Trick question, it’s the same, it’s 3.50.

Carlos Correa – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer, hitting .268. While we all wait for Correa to have the huge 35-homer, .300 season, he’s having the same boring-ass 22-homer, .270 season. Like clockwork.

Jorge Polanco – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 19th and 20th homer. He has three more homers than Giancarlo! I’m sorry, Giancarlo better never benchpress a human during the offseason again. He’s an absolute joke. Oh my God, I’ve turned on Giancarlo. His stadium is a joke; he plays every day and he’s being lapped by Jorge Polanco.

Miguel Sano – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .211. Not saying I’m a red, underlined one hundred emoji, but I wouldn’t be shocked if Sano hits a few more homers this week.

Yu Darvish – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.43. That’s *Tigers Woods fist pump* what *does the moonwalk* I’m *karate kick in the air* talking *cartwheel along a pier into the water, sticks head up, spits out water* about!

Blake Snell – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 4.86. Blake Snell isn’t better at home or away. His true sweet spot is pitching vs. the worst team in the majors.

Albert Pujols – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, as he homered against the Angels’ top prospect pitcher, Reid Detmers (5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 10.61). Pretty tough lesson there. And the lesson only cost the Angels $30 million this year.

Cody Bellinger – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Hit 13 homers in the final 51 games and, well, I won’t accept your apology, but I’ll clean the slate for next year.

C.J. Cron – 2-for-4, 7 RBIs and his 17th and 18th homer, after hitting two homers on Friday, as outlined by Dr. Everywhere Blair — D.E.B., for short — in his C.J. Cron fantasy.

Connor Joe – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer. Elias Sports Bureau says the C.J. in C.J. Cron stands for Connor Joe, and Connor Joe stands for nothing, because he’s always moving around.

Sam Hilliard – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer. Don’t pick him up, because if you do, you will jinx him for the rest of us.

Derek Hill – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. The Tiger’s new center fielder is Derek Hill. Let’s all hear it for Derek Hill. *silence, someone in the back coughs* Derek Hill has 70-grade speed. *person in the back gets up to leave* Derek Hill has 50-grade power. *person in back does the stations of the cross and exits*

Bradley Zimmer – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. See, this is a fluke, uh, Bra-Zi isn’t sleeping with the fishes.

Owen Miller – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his his 2nd homer. Fun fact! His full name is Owen You Stupid Poop Miller.

Zach Plesac – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.84. Whether it’s spelled, Broch, Brok, Broc, it doesn’t matter, he’s broke.

Andres Gimenez – 0-for-3, 1 RBI as he was recalled from Triple-A Columbus. So, Cleveland’s going to change the team name to the Guardians, but keep the Triple-A team in Columbus? Oh, no. Ohio needs to change the city name of Columbus to something else. I suggest Flavortown.