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Standing at a box that appears to be a dynamite detonator, we follow a thick black wire out of the box and down the road to its natural conclusion. At the other end, a mile down the road, the wire is in a cup of Hong Kong milk tea filled with boba. We realize now that was not a dynamite detonator but Grey wearing a box instead of clothes, and that wire was a mile-long straw to suck boba. Suddenly, I shoot up in bed, sweating, screaming, “Myles Straw!” Then, as I get my bearings, I mutter, “Wow, what a dream,” then boba starts dribbling out of my mouth. An animated question mark forms above my head and I ask, “Was it a dream?” So, speed is nowhere. Myles Straw is currently in the top five for steals in the majors, and he was just traded to a team that is running out the clock on its name, i.e., he can run every time he’s on base. Also, he’s the best fit for the everyday leadoff spot. So, you’re thinking, “Grey, you’re silly handsome, but if Straw, um, sucks — hehe, I made a joke — who cares if he’s leading off?” Straw doesn’t, um, suck. He’s a 60-grade hit tool guy, who could hit .280. Sure, he has no power, but you’re not grabbing Straw for power; he’s for speed, runs and potentially average. I love Straw! *sneezes* Sorry, I have hay fever. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Daulton Varsho – Due to a week off in mid-July where I didn’t recommend Varsho, it’s gonna be nearly impossible for him to reach the consecutive week Buy record held by a 2010 Ty Wigginton, but, if you take your vitamins, think good thoughts and don’t pick him up, he could come close.
Jonah Heim – His sister, Janelle Jonáh, was a revelation in Moonlight, and Jonah Heim is hitting with elevation. Same, really.
Patrick Wisdom – Yo, has Wisdom been behind someone for the last few years? Seriously, asking my brain for the info, because Pat-Wis had 31 homers in Triple-A in two different years with two different teams (Cards, Rangers), and is about to turn 30 years old with this being his first taste of the majors.
LaMonte Wade Jr. – Just gave you my LaMonte Wade Jr. fantasy. It had it all, like Bogie and Bacall.
Kyle Farmer – Just think if you chew on some Straw while wearing overalls, you can tell all your friends it’s in honor of the Buy column this week, and by ‘friends’ I mean your throw pillows you’ve named, Bob and Frank.
Carter Kieboom – Dot dot dot. Goes the dynamite!
Jack Mayfield – Is it me or does Jack Mayfield sound like a character Michael Keaton would’ve played in the 80s and introduced himself repeatedly using his whole name? Meh, maybe it’s me.
Aledmys Diaz – On the 7-day Player Rater, Diaz is one of the hottest bats in baseball, and, with Bregman being seen by the same doctors who tended to Byron Buxton and Luis Severino, Diaz has been playing every day.
Brendan Rodgers – The other day there was a touching moment caught by the cameras between Brendan Rodgers and Trevor Story. Brendan asked Story about his swing path and Story said, “Unless you can get me off this team, leave me the f*ck alone.”
Rodolfo Castro – Pirates’ new 2nd baseman with 60-grade power and who might hit .185 is on the scene. Now I’m rewinding the Pirates opening the door for Rodolfo, screaming, “Of Lodor! Of Lodor! Of Lodor!”
Abraham Toro – Just gave you my Abraham Toro fantasy. It was written while learning how to scuba in a hotel pool.
Sam Hilliard – He’s a 40% strikeout rate guy, which brings me to my small apology to Bud Black. I understand why you never played Hilliard and I’m so….I’m so…I’m…so…*puts arm up, starts wagging finger as the crowd goes wild* Ringside, Mean Gene explains what we’re seeing, “Gorilla, I can’t believe my eyes, but Grey is not…Apologizing!” I’m not sorry, Bud Black! You giant moron! Of course, Hilliard should’ve been playing to see what he could do and Blackmon should’ve been DFA’d.
Amed Rosario – No one else cares about this, so it hasn’t made much news, but it truly is shocking that Rosario has been more valuable than Francisco Lindor on the Player Rater, and Andres Gimenez is amongst the missing.
Jo Adell – Just gave you my Jo Adell fantasy. It was written while dancing on a pin with other famous Angels, like Howie Kendrick.
Rafael Ortega – Just gave you my Rafael Ortega fantasy. All the words disagreed with each other, but still ended up falling in love.
Lorenzo Cain – Any post that leads with a Straw has to mention Cain…Sugar! “He don’t lie…he don’t lie…he don’t lie…Lo-Cain.” That’s Eric Clapton reading the Buy column. Any hoo! Lo-Cain’s putting it all on the line–Okay, enough! He’s been hot, and talking a mile a minute all night.
Edward Olivares – When I mouth the name ‘Olivares,’ it looks like I’m saying, “I love you,” and he’s my one true love. Nearly made him the lede, because of his speed/power combo, but I pulled back because of his iffy playing time and how many times the Royals yanked his chain, in a non-sexual way.
Yadiel Hernandez – He’s now being penciled into the cleanup spot, and, ha, the Nats really gutted their team. Is it me or does it feel like the Nats gutted their team without a real plan on how to rebuild? Meh, any hoo! Yadiel is 33 years old going on 34 as most 33-year-olds are, and is kinda like Wisdom, as in he’s getting better with age.
Luis Gil – Prospect Itch said of Gil, “He has strikeout stuff powered by his fastball and slider, but his command is spotty at best. That and his high-effort delivery give him the look of a back-end bullpen piece—a profile that’s gaining value all the time, unlike Grey.” Okay, not cool. In fairness to Itch, that was from 2019, since Gil kinda disappeared last year, as most minor leaguers did. Gil’s vertical movement on his four-seamer puts him in elite company for his velocity, and the thing about bad command from a guy who can overpower hitters is people aren’t familiar enough to know to wait, so they’re aggressive and get buried early. In shallower leagues, prolly looking at Streamonator, but these call-ups are the kind of pitchers who are gonna make a difference in the final two months. So, how many Gils can I put you down for? A lot? Please say a lot. I need this.
Daulton Jefferies – Like Jefferies in deeper leagues, but this is also a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to the prep school, Friends Academy.
Cole Irvin – It was very hard to find any streamers for this weekend, but this is also a Streamonator call. “Do I need friends to enroll or do I get them after enrolling?”
Spencer Patton – Playing the new Rangers’ closer, Spencer Patton, will be George C. SAGNOF.
Kyle Finnegan – Bullpens make me want to drink, which is why I’m here at Finnegan’s. Maybe I’m old fashioned, and risky sours me, but I’m just hoping for a handful of saves and no dark and stormy hangover.
Chris Stratton – Because I like to make you cry: On the Player Rater, Stratton’s been about as valuable on the year as Gleyber Torres.
Michael Lorenzen – The Reds’ bullpen has worse outcomes than everyone who ever appeared in a Final Destination film. But, yeah, Lorenzen looks like he might get saves. Mychal Givens is also there. This is a very enthusiastic endorsement, can’t ya tell?
Rowan Wick – Prefer Wick for Cubs saves once he returns, mostly because I can’t take Codi Heuer serious as a closer. Codi Heuer was played by Frankie Muniz, right?
Tyler Clippard – Likely the best bet for saves from now until the end of the season out of all these guys, but Joakim Soria was the Dbacks’ closer for three months and got six saves, so, well, yeah.
Dylan Floro – Doesn’t Floro sound like a corrupt mayor? Shame on you for agreeing with me. My poor Italian people always considered shady. Though, if I were the umps, I’d check Floro for sticky stuff and tax evasion.
SELL
Corbin Burnes – This is also Brandon Woodruff, Carlos Rodon, and just about every starter who is on a team that is headed to the playoffs while coming up on an innings limit. At a certain point, these guys have to be shut down or at least limited. If not, it’s playing with fire, and the only people who can play with fire are Drew Barrymore and Prodigy. My guess for September is this: A bunch of starters no one’s ever heard of will be throwing innings because people are either being limited or shut down. Fun times ahead! So, I don’t have anything against Burnes, Woodruff, Rodon or any starter, but if they’re gonna be needed in the playoffs, then it’s against the Geneva Conventions after a signed Starting Arms-istice said you can’t keep throwing these guys. Wouldn’t trade any of them for cilantro on top of any dish I’m about to eat because cilantro is freakin’ nasty, but I would go to our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.
