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I’m still spent from Friday’s trade deadline. It. Dot dot dot. Was. Dot dot dot. Awesome. MLB should have a trade deadline every month. Like musical chairs with walk-up music. “Okay, we have 450 chairs, and when Whomp There It Is stops, you have to be in a chair, ready?” Whomp, and the music stops and everyone sits down, except Trevor Story, who simply just walks off into the sunset. In the distance, we hear Trevor Story cursing out the Rockies. Bud Black smiles, “He loves this organization so much,” Bud calling off, “You’re our forever Rockie!” So, the Cubs sent everyone away, except Rafael Ortega. Smart move or the Ricketts getting lucky while being cheap SOBs? Like a teamster, I’m gonna lean on the latter. Coincidence that Ricketts sounds like a disease you get from a lack of nutrition or no? Any hoo! Rafael Ortega (4-for-4, 5 RBIs) hit three ding-dongs (4, 5, 6), after homering on Saturday. Ortega is 30 years old and has bounced around the minors since 2008, while stealing nearly 40 bags some years, so he has speed too. I’m inclined to say unlikely to continue, but grab while hot. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Nick Madrigal – Goes to the Cubs in the Kimbrel trade. Saw someone on ESPN say the Cubs are remaking their team. Nick Madrigal is a solid average hitter, but he can’t remake a bed if the sheets are too tucked in. Cubs now have two Nico Hoerners. The Nick/Nico one-two hitters wouldn’t put fear in the eyes of a position player pitching. Not two nogoodnicks, but one of those and one nogoodnico. How many ankles are the Cubs planning on biting? Nicky Lopez wants in!

Kyle Ryan – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 6.00, and his 1st save. Kyle Ryan, as played by John Krasinski, is not the closer. Though, he might get saves. Rowan Wick, as played by Keanu, is not the closer. Though, he might get saves. Rex Brothers, as played by a furniture store, is not the closer. Though, he might get saves. In fact, everyone who gets saves for the Cubs won’t be the closer. They’re going to coast out the year using a combo of whomever is within earshot.

Yadiel Hernandez – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer. The two big stars in the Nats/Cubs’ game were rookies who were born while Nixon was president. And I’m not talking Cynthia Nixon. Yadiel has a 4-game streak going, and, yes, hot schmotato.

Javier Baez – 0-for-4, as he was acquired by the Mets. Sorry, and it’s weird for me to say this, but the Mets are just dead sexy. I’m such a huge Mets fan now that I’m about to buy a Bobby Bonilla jersey and pay myself once a year for doing nothing. Yo, check this out…*reveals dyed orange hair* I used this Rusty Staub hair dye. *reading box* …when you’re in a pinch…How does it look? Guys? Five ladies? Sexy? Yes? You’re turning me into Javier Blushez! *taps mic* Is this thing on? So, Javier Baez goes to a worse park, slightly better lineup (in theory, but not in practice) and swings at everything. He is fun though! I like this trade for the Mets. Stamps them as a real contender. For fantasy? Meh, I think Baez might lose a little value, but he’s such a streaky hitter, that he could get hot for two months. This cramps others, as well. The Mets have Dom Smith, Villar, McNeil, and J.D. Davis for three positions now, then two positions when Lindor returns. Oh, and just in case you thought the Mets were suddenly cured of Mets’ing:  They screwed up their 1st round draft pick, and won’t sign Kumar Rocker.

Trevor Williams – Acquired by the Mets to act as the trivia answer when people in five years are like, “Who was traded to the Mets with Javier Baez?”

Max Schrock – 5-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, as he played first for Dale Long Joey Votto. Someone should check the Reds’ 1st base bag for pixie dust or genies.

Vladimir Gutierrez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.39. Nice start, and I wouldn’t start him in a mixed league even if Streamonator liked him.

Kris Bryant – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer, as he was acquired by the Giants. Ha, he’s such a Giants move. Like the only more Giants-y Giants move would be Josh Harrison, but he went to the A’s and the A’s and the Giants are so similar in their type of moves. The differences between NoCal and SoCal teams is very similar to real-life. No-Cal is all about grinding, and more down-to-earth, while accumulating profit at the expense of under-paid people. So-Cal is pie-in-the-sky nonsense merchants who just throw money at people. Any hoo! I do not like Bryant, and him in San Fran is terrible. He couldn’t hit the ball out of Wrigley with the wind blowing out. Meh, I am a true hater, but not my favorite move for fantasy. As he homered yesterday, anything can happen, but don’t love it. What is hilarious is how every Cubs hitter left Chicago and is homering — Baez, Rizzo and Bryant all homered in their first games with new teams.

Luis Garcia – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.49. You need to look elsewhere sooner in the landmark case of sooner vs. later.

Kyle Gibson – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.86. Acquired by the Phils along with Ian Kennedy (1 IP, 2 ER). Don’t know who’s scouting for the Phils but these guys have more question marks than the Riddler’s leotards. Have the Phils heard of Statcast? I am truly wondering. I will bet anyone an imaginary $5 that Ian Kennedy will be made closer, then lose the job by September as the Phils announce a committee. Also, Kyle Gibson? *Struggling to smile*

Freddy Galvis – Acquired by the Phils to play every game and be below replacement level. The Phils made some bonkers moves. Currently, Galvis is on the IL, which might be a positive for the Phils.

Ranger Suarez – With Vince Velasquez being moved to the bullpen, Ranger Suarez, the former Phils’ closer, will start Monday. The Phils are ghost riding the team off a cliff!

J.T. Realmuto – 5-for-6, 3 runs, 4 RBIs, hitting .268. Jerry Tomato was the first (phirst?) Phils’ catcher since Darren Daulton with five hits. You can’t Dutch this.

Michael Chavis – Acquired by the Pirates. Is this like the best AL to NL infield bat? Am I losing my mind or did very few switch leagues? Soler, Rosario…I guess Madrigal, but he’s hurt. Harumph, this isn’t great. Like Chavis!

David Bednar – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.85, as he entered the 8th inning. Don’t think you can just put the Pirates saves to Bednar. In what is a smart move money-wise, but also cheap eh-eff, the Pirates appear like they’ll just use a committee. If they’re truly smart, they’ll just go with Chris Stratton on the Allegheny for saves.

Craig Kimbrel – Traded to the White Sox. Here’s what Liam Hendriks said after seeing Kimbrel trade: &#%!@?! The plan is to give Kimbrel and Liam Hendriks save chances. Sounds like more of a headache than it’s worth to me, and someone will emerge in the next two weeks, but it might be fluid, so Kimbrel gets five saves, then Hendriks suddenly gets five saves, and, well, that takes us to the end of the season, i.e., not that much time left.

Seby Zavala – 0-for-2 and three homers on Saturday, his first three of his career, which is a major league first. Seby Zavala sounds like a Mossad agent. Hey, Seby Zavala, are you spying on me through this pin-hole in my dreidel? Zavala has very little going for him, besides some power. To give you an idea, he was available in my AL-Only league before Saturday.

Myles Straw – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, as he was sent to the Guardians for Phil Maton. Hate to say it, but I like what the Astros did at the deadline. Adding two closers and Maton, shortens all games, and the Astros work well when starting from a short place. Must be lousy to go from a team destined for the playoffs to, say, the Guardians, i.e., sucks to be Straw. For fantasy though, this is like one of the few moves that adds value to a guy on waivers (in some leagues). Straw has no reason to not steal every time on base, and should be moved up to leadoff.

Cal Quantrill – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.40. Would likely check the Streamonator before starting willy and/or nilly, but I do like him.

Jordan Luplow – Acquired by the Rays with DJ Johnson for Battenfield. Wow, the Rays decided to pony up and spend some money. They will be purchasing one extra folding chair for DJ Johnson, and Luplow can use Battenfield’s old one.

Tyler Glasnow – Will undergo Tommy John surgery and return in time for the start of the 2022 season, which will be mid-September of next year.

Jeffrey Springs – Hit the IL with a knee sprain. Went down like a crumpled suit on Saturday, clutching at his knee, singing, “Springs’ time for Hurtler.” Nick Anderson should return to be the closer, but his rehab is being delayed by Covid. I’d go Matt Wisler (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.80) if speculating simply because, well, his mother told me to and he got last night’s save.

Hansel Robles – Traded to the Red Sox to pitch batting practice.

Andrew Heaney – Traded to the Yankees. This is the first bit of good news trading-wise in a long time for them. Oh, them being the Angels. Wait, you thought acquiring a 5+ ERA pitcher and putting him in Yankee Stadium was good for the Yankees? C’mon, now. You couldn’t get me to pick up Heaney in an AL-Only league now. Previously, the only thing Heaney had going for him was the home park.

Domingo German – Hit the IL with shoulder inflammation. Heard on the Yankees’ broadcast Kay and company talking about how so many pitchers are hitting a wall this year after not pitching many innings last year (or any innings, as is the case with German). This was what I was saying every day this preseason, not sure why I was the only one saying it.

Jordan Montgomery – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.69 vs. Sandy Alcantara – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.12. Since I watched most of this game, I will say what is likely clear from their respective lines. Sandy looked incredible vs. a much harder lineup and JoMo looked extremely okay.

Trevor Rogers – 3 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.45, as he was activated from the IL. Y tho?

Reid Detmers – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, as he was called up on Saturday. Prospect Itch just ranked him in the top 25 on the top 100 fantasy baseball prospects. College ball ‘pert, Prospect Hobbs said, “Well…Rather than quote all 1,500 words, just go to the top 10 Angels fantasy baseball prospects list where Itch quotes Hobbs.” And that’s me not quoting Hobbs at all but linking to Itch! Clearly, Detmers wasn’t great yesterday, but rookie pitchers are roofies multiplied by yadda.

Josh Harrison – 1-for-5 as he was acquired by the A’s. Not sure of his playing time. If I were the A’s, I’d put Harrison at 3rd and bench that slump-in-human-form, Matt Chapman. Don’t think that happens. My guess is Harrison acts as a floater, but not like a Baby Ruth candy bar floating in a pool, but more like a temp floater in a pool.

Yan Gomes – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer as he was acquired by the A’s. That gives the A’s a backup catcher and an easy way to almost remember the Great Lakes.

James Kaprielian – Hit the IL with a shoulder impingement. Just had a thought, whatever happened to Daulton Jefferies? Wait a second! He’s in the next blurb!

Daulton Jefferies – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, as he was called up. *editing my Gregg Jefferies rookie cards to Daulton* I’m gonna be rich! I’m a big fan of Jefferies. He has great command (1.4 BB/9 in Triple-A) and could hover near 8 K/9 with four pitches, and 94 MPH fastball. Was most impressed yesterday with what I saw when it came to his change. Still, not reaching for him outside of deep mixed or AL-Only leagues yet.

J.A. Happ – Acquired by the Cards. Just Awful is about to turn into Just Admirable as he guts out a 9-inning shutout to get the Cards into the playoffs. Cards are about to make J.A. Happ a 2.75 ERA pitcher. Don’t know how, but it’s inevitable! Wait a second! The Cards traded John Gant to get Happ? Oh no! In Gant’s hair is where the Lucky Starting Pitcher Factory was located. Ugh, sorry, Happ, Just Awful you are.

Jon Lester – Acquired by the Cards. With no more Lucky Starting Pitcher Factory in John Gant’s hair, the Cards are really pressing their luck. No whammie, no whammie…Ooh…whammy!

Edward Olivares – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, as he was recalled up by the Royals. Biggest add of the trade deadline for fantasy? Quite possibly. Will be sent down again in three days? Also, possible. He has a solid combo of speed/power and, with Soler gone, Olivares might just get everyday playing time. Plus, when you mouth Olivares, it looks like you’re saying “I love you.”

Jose Berrios – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.31. Traded to the Jays for SS/CF Austin Martin and RHP Simeon Woods-Richardson. Martin and Woods-Richardson was such a terrific comedy duo. (Trio? I don’t know, I only heard their audio clips.) If I were the Jays, I’d move Ross Stripling into the pen in the role he successfully maintained in LA, and keep Alek Manoah in the rotation. I am being told that I am not the Jays. *sadly removes Jays hat, hangs up Joe Carter jersey* Berrios has long been a favorite of mine and him in Canada? The norther the Berrios, the sweeter the juice. Ya feel me? Okay, stop now. This is a tough move for Berrios, due to division, but he’s a 3.55 ERA guy literally anywhere. Prolly even in Coors.

Marcus Semien – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer. Semien shot off the Royals is the same as when you get just The Crown in.

Joakim Soria – Traded to the Jays, which makes the Jays’ pen: I don’t know/Not sure/Soria. Probably Hand/Romano/Soria, but maybe Romano/Hand/Soria and possibly Romano/Hand/Romano/Hand/Soria, if you catch my drift.

Spencer Patton – 2 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.32, and the blown save. With Ian Kennedy traded to the Phils, the Rangers turn to. Dot dot dot. Are the Rangers going to get a save I need to worry about? Patton is there, I guess. Sborz too, though he sounds like a disease from the 1700s. “He got the Sborz, sir!” That’s Igor explaining to the Count why one of his dinner guests isn’t showing up.

Jonah Heim – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, and his 2nd walk-off homer in as many games, and has four homers in the last three games. Jonah is a whale of a schmotato!

Tyler Clippard – Seems like A) The Dbacks’ new closer. B) A guy who could actually have some value in the final two months. C) There’s no C.

Ketel Marte – 1-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. He’s hitting .370, and he’ll qualify for the batting title if the Diamondbacks play a twelve-hundred inning game, and he gets 150 at-bats in one game to offset the months he missed.

Caleb Smith – 1 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.04. More like Cale B. because he gives me the runs.

Tony Gonsolin – Hit the IL with “We have Max Scherzer now and don’t need you.” Been googling for a half hour to find a cure, but no such luck so far.

Mookie Betts – 2-for-4, 2 runs, and his 15th homer, as he was activated from the IL, and started at 2nd base. Betts with 2nd base eligibility? Emoji with drool that could fill a bucket.

Fernando Tatis Jr. – Hit the IL again with the same shoulder injury as earlier this year. I have him in a league, so I want him to return. With that said, I’m thoroughly concerned about him if they don’t shut him down and send him for surgery. The hope, I guess, is he can suffer through this year and have surgery in the offseason. I sure hope playing through it doesn’t cause him long-term issues.

Chris Paddack – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. Reiss Knehr was recalled, and will get a few starts. Knehr is best known for his chicken bouillon, and awful command.

Jake Marisnick – Acquired by the Friars. The Padres just acquiring someone to keep Cronenworth on his toes for when they say Jake.

Sam Hilliard – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Ha, I absolutely looked to pick him up in all leagues.

Austin Gomber – 1 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.04 and out of the game with shoulder issues or no? Why can’t these schmohawks ever figure out they have a sore arm prior to pitching and putting some shizz stats on my fantasy team?

Eddie Rosario – Traded from Cleveland to the Braves for Pablo Sandoval. The Guardians got their goalie! You have to love when a team like the Guardians doesn’t even try to get better for the future. Not saying you can get, say, Touki for Eddie Rosario, but Sandoval? You’re basically trading for a guy to sit on one end of the bench so it doesn’t see-saw up when Franmil sits down.

Adam Duvall – 0-for-4. Traded to the Braves for Alex Jackson. The Braves’ outfield of Eddie Rosario, Adam Duvall and Joc Pederson is some softball standing-on-first-waiting-for-a-three-run-homer shizz. Oh, wait, they’re not done:

Jorge Soler – 1-for-3. Acquired by the Braves.

“Smoltzy, what do you think of the Braves’ 4-man outfield of Jorge Soler, Joc Pederson, Adam Duvall and Eddie Rosario?”
“I like it, Joe. Here’s why…” Smoltz turns to the camera, and my face melts.

Now, seriously. I’m confused. Where do these guys play? Is Duvall a platoon guy with Rosario? Platoon with Duvall and Joc? Is Rosario just a pinch-hitter? I like Soler, Duvall, Rosario and Joc, but you’re gonna need to watch them for playing time. My guess is Joc is out vs. lefties and Duvall or Soler might be vs. righties.

Richard Rodriguez – 1 IP, 0 ER as he was sent to the Braves. If I’m a Braves fan, I take this move over five of their outfielder moves. Sadly, for fantasy, I would not be shocked to see Will Smith still get some saves. Dick-Rod will be in there too, so, yeah, you kinda have to hold both, at least for now. Speaking of holding Dick-Rod, the Jolly Rogers got a nice booty in this trade and not as in ‘the ass end of a trade,’ by grabbing Bryse Wilson and Ricky Devito.

Willy Adames – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer. Will begin writing my Willy Adames 2022 sleeper over the course of the next four months, so please stop hitting homers.

John Curtiss – Acquired by the Brewers. Really wanted him to go to the Diamondbacks so I could say, “The Snakes got Curtissssssssssssss.”

Daniel Norris – Acquired by the Brewers. Hearing that Milwaukee really liked Norris’s ad-VAN-ced stats. No? C’mon, you chuckled. Not at all, huh? Okay. The Brewers needed a guy to go van shopping with Vogelbach? No? How about Vaniel Norris? Nothing?