“We’re going to put all Graveman talk to rest, forever ever, amen. Bow your heads. Please. You with your head half-bowed…you have a crick in your neck? Okay, fine. Here lies the Graveman talk. He was a great teammate, we were told. You know who’s also a great teammate? A guy who is hitting home runs every game and helping your stupid asses win! Okay, you can raise your heads and go get some herring.” Yesterday, Abraham Toro went 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer, and his 5th homer in last seven games. He was re-christened Vigoda because his first name is Abe and his last name is a fish. It makes sense if you know Barney Miller. In all sincerity, I almost made Toro the lede buy this week, which will be available on our Patreon later today. Also, I’m starting to think Toro might be on my early list of 2022 sleepers. This is Splash and I’ve fallen in love with a fish. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jarred Kelenic – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in the last five games. So, you’re telling me the top prospect for fantasy isn’t bad because he had a terrible three weeks? Hmm, that can’t be. Don’t lie to me with your pretty eyes!
Yusei Kikuchi – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.89. Making me want to sing a’la Lisa Loeb, “Yusei…” Streamonator doesn’t like his next start, though, and I agree. By the way, how well has Lisa Loeb held up? Rawr, Cougs, leave me alone with those commercials.
Randy Arozarena – 3-for-4 and his 16th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Randy, Adam Duvall and Austin Riley just sharing a body like Vice Versa, and passing around their hotness. Few games ago, it was Riley’s torso carrying the hotness; now it’s Randy’s hands; you’re up next, Duvall’s forearms.
Dietrich Enns – Was called up by the Rays to eat innings. This year’s final two months is going to be all teams employing a Long Reliever Name Generator to eat innings. “Here comes Jasper Curlins for the O’s to try to get the team from the 3rd inning to the 7th.”
Luis Gil – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks in his major league debut. Only 12 starters this year have recorded a strikeout on a pitch that was both 98+ MPH and 2500+ RPM. One pitcher did it yesterday: Gil. The guy he replaced leads the majors doing it 27 times. You might heard of him, Gerrit Cole. You haven’t? Did you think this was a fantasy site discussing the Lord of the Rings’ trilogy? Yeah, you’re not the first, my precious. Maybe I should stop calling everyone my precious. And stop talking about Precious, the 2009 coming-of-age film. Any hoo! Gil was sent back down after the game, but I will be monocle’ing him.
Jordan Montgomery – Hit the Covid IL. Damn, Gerrit Colevid is a superspreader.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .253. Only trailing the 175-pound-soaking-wet Cesar Hernandez by one homer! If this is a nail biter for Giancarlo, then the nail he bites off is bigger than Cesar.
Taijuan Walker – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.86, and has given up 20 runs in his last 15 IP. The Regression Fairies are clingy as f*ck. If the Mets were in a better situation with their rotation, I’d guess Walker would already have an Ineffective List stint. That doesn’t mean you need to hold him.
Jorge Alfaro – 1-for-3, 1 RBI as he played left field. Not sure why that is funny to me, but maybe it’s because I saw him play left field.
Alex Jackson – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, as he catches with Alfaro in left. Not much here yet in shallower leagues, but a new catcher coming into the league is big for NL-Only.
Jazz Chisholm – Hit the Covid IL. Must be nearing football season because we are spiking! Nice! High five me! Yes! No? Okay. By the way, go give Donkey Teeth crap over at our fantasy football sister site. Hehe, sister.
Sam Hilliard – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, and his 2nd homer in two games. Oh my God, Hilliard’s happening and it’s freaking me out!!!
Ian Happ – 1-for-3, 3 runs and his 11th homer, hitting .179, and he hit another homer last week. Ian’s not Happ-ening. At least not yet.
Nick Castellanos – Reds’ manager Ding Dong Bell said Castellanos won’t be activated on Tuesday. Yeah, no kidding, Ding Dong. That dude is such a Ding Dong that other Ding Dongs ring him up and ask him to stop being a Ding Dong because it’s giving Ding Dongs a bad name.
Jonathan India – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, and his 11th homer, and three homers in the last four games. India putting the bomb in Bombay.
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-3 and his 21st homer, hitting .175. He’s so wildly overdue for a 10+ homer month. That’s it, that’s the blurb.
Heath Hembree – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.40, as he blew the save. Heath really knows how to let the other team Skor!
Mitch Garver – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. Due to putting an L in clocking out, he’s barely played 50 games this year, but his home run pace is just about as good as it was in 2019. Then 31 HRs in 93 games, this year around a 25-homer pace, if he had played, which he didn’t.
Alex Colome – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.58 and his 3rd save. The big-name offseason closer acquisition by the Twins coming through! Only took them going through five other closers first, including *chuckles* Hansel Robles.
Jo Adell – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st steal. Oh, and a walk and no strikeouts. *slowly looks around* Is anyone else seeing this?
Jean Segura – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. I will now call him Jeanilla. See video for explanation.
A young fan asked Jean Segura what his favorite ice cream flavor was… he answered and then hit a game-tying double ??
— FOX Sports: MLB (@MLBONFOX) August 3, 2021
Bryce Harper – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer. Also, in this game, Jerry Tomato Realmuto (2-for-4) hit his 12th homer, and Ronald Torreyes (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 5th homer. That’s a lot in the air tonight for the Phils. *drum solo that makes me stand on my chair screaming in tears*
Josh Bell – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .248. Bell goes ding…DONG! Too much? That’s not what she said.
Jon Lester – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.38. Try not to spend too much time on guys who are irrelevant for fantasy, but what were the Cards doing? Going out and getting Lester (and Happ) feels like a Trading Places bet. Did Mike Shildt bet the pitching coach a dollar that he couldn’t fix either of these starters?
Jorge Soler – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. I was the one who told you to pick up Soler for about ten days straight, so don’t pretend I don’t like Soler. My only concern now is how does he fit into the playing time once Eddie Rosario shows up.
Adrian Houser – 6 1/3 IP, 0 hits, 5 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.55. That’s just knowing how to pitch (then doing the opposite and it still working).
Willy Adames – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 19th homer, hitting .260. He’ll be a 2022 sleeper. Unless he hits 11 more homers. 30 homers might be the death knell for sleeperiness. 29 homers won’t though. Not even joking. Something psychologically kicks in at 30.
Tommy Pham – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. He hit the 4th leadoff homer across the majors last night, and the record is five. All five were hit by Rickey Henderson. Don’t ask how.
Blake Snell – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.24 vs. Sean Manaea – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.26. A pitcher that is good at home and bad in road games vs. a pitcher who is the inverse, and then they both do the inverse of that because: Baseball.
Starling Marte – 3-for-4 and a slam (8) and legs (27). Damn, Marte’s got a lot of legses — legii? L’eggs? Use it in a sentence. “Went to the Marte to get some L’eggs, when I saw an older woman checking milk cartons for expirations dates, and I said, ‘Excuse me,’ and she said, ‘Oh, you think you’re Prince Charles?'”
Madison Bumgarner – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.57. The top teams in the majors are going up against the worst teams and the worst teams are saying, “Call me daddy,” which sounds like a Lil Nas X song.
Lance McCullers Jr. – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.02 vs. Walker Buehler – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.16. In front of MLB’s biggest crowd of the season, the Dodgers hosted the Astros, and, to quote Randy Newman, “I love LA.” LA gets a bad rap for showing up late to games, and only being there to get a look-see at Magic Johnson, and talking about the time they were at a car wash where Corey Feldman was working a squeegee, and leaving early for a meeting with their agent but LA is actually a badass sports town. Cody Bellinger still sucks though.
— Razzball (@Razzball) August 4, 2021
Adalberto Mondesi – Began a minor league rehab assignment, which puts his timetable for his next injury at August 17th.
Dylan Cease – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.92. It’s so obvious Cease is having one of those flaky type years where he’s “I am Batman” one start and “I am Jack Frost” another start, which leads to next year where he is an ace for the majority of the year, and the last year we can draft him at a reasonable price.
Tim Anderson – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .301. Gonna guess his BABIP is .356, and now I’m gonna look… *claps hands* Mom jeans says wine o’clock! He’s at .367. Prettttttay, prettttttttay close.
Andrew Vaughn – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 12th homer. Where’s he going next year? 225th overall? Prolly, unless he pulls some stupid Arozarena-in-the-playoffs shizz. Please, don’t pull any Arozarena-in-the-playoffs shizz.
Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. As Scooby Doo would say, “Renfroe!”
Cavan Biggio – Hit the IL with back and neck discomfort. He injured himself craning his neck back into the catcher’s mitt as he was called out on strikes.
Zach Plesac – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.64. Can we talk about how awful Plesac’s been? *sees him on one of my teams* Actually, I prefer we didn’t.
George Springer – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .277. Springer’s played for, like, five weeks and is three hundred spots above Cody Bellinger on the Player Rater. Someone shove me in front of traffic. No, seriously, Springer is doing exactly what he always does. Cody Bellinger? He’s doing what a no-hit middle infielder would do. Gonna start calling him Cody Belanger.