For one day, let’s put our troubles away and bask in Nolan Arenado. No, I want you to shove your troubles further under the rug than they usually are. Here, give me your high school depantsing, the girl that dumped you the day before prom, you walking in on your mother and the mechanic and all your other emotional scars and lift the rug, I’ll slide them under. There. *wipes hands* Now, you are unencumbered to enjoy The Torenado. He hit two homers yesterday to bring his total to 19, and he’s hitting .287 with a .271 BABIP. Yes, he’s actually been unlucky. You can likely tell from the ends of my mustache turning upwards, but he should actually be better. He’s on pace for a 35-homer, .290 season with ease! Again, with some stank — EASE! Help me, Auntie Em, it’s a Torenado and my house is spinning and my Yorkie is barking and I’m landing on a person. Oh, shucks, I landed on Pablo Sandoval. If you followed my rankings, and drafted Arenado. You’re welcome. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Carlos Gonzalez – Didn’t start yesterday with a sprained hand. Walt Weiss said, “He’s day-to…” Then Weiss trailed off, forgetting what he was saying. Finally, he added, “Blueberry.”
DJ LeMahieu – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 4th homer. Anyone know if his real first name is David Guetta?
Welington Castillo – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Where’s the boeuf?! In Coors, dur.
A.J. Pollock – 3-for-5 and his 9th homer. I got an idea. How many Pollocks does it take to turn on a light bulb above my head?
David Peralta – 3-for-4, 1 run. Whatevs, don’t matter, own him while he’s playing in Coors.
Freddie Freeman – Hit the DL with a sprained wrist. The Braves believe it’s not a huge concern. Um *eye roll, fart made with hand under armpit, raspberry lips to enhance fart sound* Yeah, sure. A sprained wrist sounds great. If only all hitters had one! Because any time is a good time to gloat, let’s look at the guys I told you to avoid on draft day: Wainwright, Cano, Freeman, Holliday and V-Mart. You can’t make that shizz up. Well, you can, but it’s pretty easy to check.
Ian Desmond – Didn’t play yesterday and now has been to the bench twice in five games. Guys and five girl readers, it’s nearly July. Shizz doesn’t always work out. I told you to sell him in May; you didn’t, now you likely need to drop him.
Stephen Strasburg – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks as he returned from the DL. I wanted to start him. Really, I did. Unfortunately, I didn’t, because you can’t move DL’d players out of the DL the day of in Yahoo. What is the purpose of this? Is this to avoid anyone hurting themselves from getting too excited? Do we need an extra day to let the thrill wash over us of a returning DL player? Cause I’ll tell you what, it makes me more excited that I can’t move a player into my lineup the day of, and not the good kind of excited! Even when he returns, he’s Effin Stressbird!
Anthony Rendon – 4-for-4, 1 RBI. I hope you paid attention on Friday when I told you to buy him, because it’s gonna get repeated so much for the next few weeks that it could get annoying if you don’t have him.
Nelson Cruz – 0-for-4 as he returned to the lineup, after it was revealed that Cruz left Monday’s game with a bizarre injury, his pelvic bone popped out. Bet Nelson regrets not following ex-teammate Elvis Andrus’s recommended exercises.
Michael Montgomery – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA down to 2.04. Oh. Hunh. Well, I have to look at his stats now. Okay, cool. Oh, you want me to tell you what I saw? Nothing good. His K/9 is 5.6, xFIP is 4.17 and he throws 91 MPH. He’s essentially a streamer, and the Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like his next start. It’s in Petco, so I can go either way, depending on desperation.
Logan Morrison – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer as he continues to leadoff. Is Lloyd Christmas McClendon that impressed with Morrison’s man muscles that he bats him leadoff? Maybe we shouldn’t try to understand Christmas and just accept the presents.
Dexter Fowler – Out with a sprained ankle. You’ll be glad to know (probably not) that I finally dropped Fowler. Good riddance, chicken man!
Jason Hammel – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 2.65 vs. Zack Greinke 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 1.70. DeLorean, take me back to March and draft these two guys on all my teams. Plutonium? Where am I supposed to get that from? Libyans? I’ll see if Julio Teheran knows any.
Hector Olivera – Hit the Triple-A DL with a strained hamstring. Buh-buh-buh-but he was supposed to come up any day now, then, out of nowhere, i.e., Olivera sudden, this. Bummer!
Madison Bumgarner – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 14 Ks, ERA down to 3.04. The cautionary tale of what happens when a young pitcher throws too many innings that is in the Giants dugout and looks like k.d. lang doesn’t seem to concern anyone.
Matt Carpenter – Didn’t start yesterday due to mid-back tightness. Lucky it’s not mid-front tightness. That’s embarrassing!
Carlos Martinez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.89. Even when he doesn’t look dominating, he’s dominating. Man, I really Mr. Bungled dropping him. I can be so stupid. *facepalm, realizes palm was filled with ketchup*
Jason Heyward – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, now homers in back-to-back games and is hitting near-.500 in the last week. As the guy who forgot to pull out says, better late than never.
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer. Giancarlo, do you have room for two in your Under Armor?
Marcell Ozuna – 3-for-4, 1 run, hitting .280, but only 4 homers on the year. OZUNA shake head. OZUNA sad about power outage. OZUNA should never take offseason instructional with Juan Samuel.
Adam Jones – Likely to sit out until Thursday. Mentioned this before — And that’s me quoting me? Hot schmotato? The shizz you’re right about, but not the shizz you’re wrong about? — Shut up, Random Italicized Voice. Just wondering which thing you’ve mentioned before. I mentioned before that Jones has always played near-complete seasons in his career, so the fact that he’s sitting out makes me think this shoulder issue is a lot worse than they’re letting on. Hopefully, I’m wrong. If you are, you won’t mention that again. Ugh, leave me alone, Random Italicized Voice!
Miguel Gonzalez – Will return on Thursday, pitch well for two months, then when you finally pick him up, he will poop the duvet.
Aroldis Chapman – Will return from paternity leave on Thursday. Apparently, his wife’s vagina doesn’t throw as fast as him.
Jay Bruce – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. I need something to believe in, and a whole lot of space to breathe in. Just hold on Brucely, but don’t let go!
Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-5, 1 RBI. After his three-hit game on Sunday, I was gonna mention him, but I was like, “Grey, save your carpal tunnel for someone that matters, no one cares about Eugenio,” but he is hitting around .400 in the last week, and really no one cares.
Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. He’s improved since April, but he’s on pace for 20 HRs and 7 steals with a good average. That sounds like what usually can be expected from my nemesis, Matt Holliday.
Yan Gomes – Didn’t start yesterday with a stiff neck. Fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) that drafted him need a stiff drink.
Danny Salazar – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 4.06. Yeah, but how about those peripherals?! Huh, guys?! Guys? Where you going? Hey, I bought cake. No one likes cake?
Jason Kipnis – 4-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting .354, leading the AL in batting, and nearly leading the majors. Kipnis is quite the delicacy, and making that nosh posh like the Deli Man.
CC Sabathia – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER vs. the Phils. Sorry, if you followed the Stream-o-Nator on this one; I would’ve streamed him too if he was available. On a more general note on CC, put a dress on him and let him sing, because he looks done.
Maikel Franco – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 10th homer. Philadelphia suburb, King of Prussia, needs to step up its game and change its city name to Franco-Prussian Urban Sprawl.
Chase Utley – Hit the Disgraceful List with old.
Garrett Jones – 1-for-5 and his 4th homer, hitting .232. Also going deep in this game was A-Rod (2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer), Chase Headley (2-for-5 with his 7th homer) and Brett Gardner (2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer) as the Yankees lost 11 to 6. Elias Sports Bureau said this was the most homers by a Yankee team that lost by five or more runs in a while. Elias Sports Bureau sure is half-assing its trivia.
Dellin Betances – 1 IP, 4 ER vs. the Phils after only giving up one run all year. The Yankees lifted him mid-inning for Rumbelow, which is exactly where Billy Martin used to keep it. After the game, Ruin Tomorrow Jr. offered Domonic Brown for Betances. Buying low!
Andrew Romine – 2-for-4, 2 runs with his 2nd homer, and his 2nd homer in three games. Now that Nick Castellanus is back (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) it’s going to be hard for Romine to find everyday playing time, so Romine’s value will remain a Mystique.
Brett Cecil – Removed from the closer role. Yeah, no kidding. Maybe next time he’ll think before he gets into a teleporter with a fly. Or at least get into a teleporter with an ostrich. Ya know, because it’s grounded and would keep the balls in the park. As I said the other day, I’d speculate on Roberto Osuna then Steve Delabar (1 IP, 1 ER yesterday in a losing game), in that order, but I expect the Blue Jays to trade for K-Rod, Papelbon or Clippard.
Dioner Navarro – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer and 2nd in as many games. Catcher questions begin in 3, 2, 1…
Matt Moore – Set to rejoin the Rays next week. On the fo’really, Matt Harvey is ten times the pitcher Moore is, right? Right. And Harvey still doesn’t look like himself. If Moore were to look like himself, he’d only be a 6 IP, 4 ER pitcher, so, um, yeah, I’m not running out to add him anywhere. To read further on the subject, Moore just gave up 3 ER in 5 1/3 IP in Triple-A in his last start.
Jake Odorizzi – Will not return until after the All-Star break. Damn, Rougned break, Odorizzi.
Chris Archer – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 2.10. You know how certain pitchers feel like they could throw a no-hitter every start? That’s Archer this year. To paraphrase the show Archer, “You could bath puppies in my panties right now I am so wet for him.”
Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer. He’s been awful this year. A little bit better than Cano, but awful nevertheless.
Brad Boxberger – 1 IP, 1 ER and notched the save, allowing a home run to Edwin Encarnacion (1-for-4, 14th homer). It’ll likely be said that Boxberger got the save yesterday because the heart of the Blue Jays order was up. Okay, and he gave up a homer, so I don’t sweat him.
Kevin Kiermaier – 2-for-4, 1 run. I called him a hot schmotato yesterday, today I’m calling him a hot schmotato, but I’m emphasizing a different syllable. Subtle. I’m saying the B in subtle too.
Jeurys Familia – Mets said he’s ready to return. Something I hinted at on this week’s podcast between cackles, I wouldn’t be surprised if Familia becomes a two-inning, 7th and 8th inning man and throws 100+ IP this year while Parnell (1 1/3 IP, 0 ER) reclaims the closer role. For now, I wouldn’t drop Parnell.
Mike Fiers – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 4.39. You know what would be nice? If Fiers actually pitched as beautiful as his peripherals looked. Would it kill him to throw a 8 IP, 14 Ks game once?
Will Smith – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA down to 1.35. Since it’s Summer-Summertime, it’s about time I mentioned Will Smith. K-Rod’s getting traded in the next month and Smith should be owned in all leagues where you need saves.
Luis Valbuena – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and two homers, 18th and 19th. He’s actually on waivers in my RCL because he was dropped by J-FoH. Maybe it was an accident. Like this one. That’ll never get old. Someone, please, let him pick up Pearce again. Please!
Carlos Correa – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .308. Fly, Icarlos, fly!
Collin McHugh – 8 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 4.80. Still has at least two more solid games before he’s in my good graces, but this definitely works towards that.
C.J. Wilson – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER. For those that streamed him, it was like the moment Ralph Wiggum’s heart breaks.
Eddie Rosario – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. He hasn’t been as bad as Honey Boo Boo’s mom’s grammar or anything, but there’s no reason — or no Rosario, as is the case here — for him to be batting 2nd and Byron Buxton (1-for-3) in the nine hole.
Jose Abreu – 4-for-5, 2 runs, with a double and three base hits. Three singles? You’re The Grande Dolor, not going to The Grande Dollar Store.
Melky Cabrera – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Took him nearly half a season, but it looks like Melky is finally hitting if he was dropped in your league.
Jeff Samardzija – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.53. Now has three Quality Starts in the row. Wanna know what’s been the difference? He’s faced three weak opponents in a row.
Marcus Semien – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. Here I thought Semien was completely dried up…and feeling like an old paste stain.
Ben Zobrist – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Said in a Sly Stallone claymation accent, “That’s Zobrist, baby!”
Jesse Chavez – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 2.90 vs. Chi Chi Gonzalez 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER. You don’t usually see The Regression Fairies go with both teams in the same game. Well, there was this period in college where they were experimenting.
Josh Hamilton – Will begin an AA rehab assignment. About time!
Martin Perez – Resuming his rehab assignment. Josh, you bring the donuts and Perez will bring the smokes!
Adrian Beltre – 1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI as he was activated from the DL after the Rangers said on Monday he was weeks away. With weeks flying by that fast, I wonder what year they think they’re in. 2176? Nolan Ryan Jr. Jr. Jr., the III managing the team?
Shin-Soo Choo – Didn’t start yesterday due to back spasms. Rangers are saying it’s a day-to-day thing, but with the Rangers and their time management, he could be out anywhere from ten minutes to sixteen decades.
Rougned Odor – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .202. That’s some Odor.
Chris Parmelee – 2-for-4, and back-to-back multiple hit games, hitting .348. Hey, it’s Chris Parm! I want to say Parm’s a hot schmotato with cheese, but you can stream any hitters vs. the Red Sox pitching. It’s like the new Coors.
Pablo Sandoval – 3-for-4, 1 RBI. Wow, actual fantasy value? We have to ceblebrate!
Joe Kelly – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, but because his fastball is clocked at 95 MPH, he’s able to get hit hard and fast and get out of the game quickly. Here’s to brevity!
Rusney Castillo – Optioned to Pawtucket with his $72.5 million contract. He’s gonna be like Montgomery Brewster trying to find a place in Pawtucket to spend that kind of money. “Hello, Uber driver, could you wait outside my house for me? I’ll be back in 9 to 10 hours, depending on how late I sleep until tomorrow. Sure, keep the meter running, I don’t care.” “Hello, I was wondering if I could run for Pawtucket mayor? I have $10,000 per person that says they will vote for me.” “Hello, city of Pawtucket, or as I want it now known, Rusneyucket.”