Missouri Fathers Celebrate With Dongs

“Hello Sharks! Every Mother’s Day, MLB wheels out there some pink bats. Well, this year I have something for the gentlemen on Father’s Day!” [reveals two rosin bags tied to the knob of a baseball bat, dangling, a quick succession of “I’m out”] “So, you don’t want to see my heated ice cream scooper that doubles as a protective cup in the winter?” [a large man escorts me out] Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers reading! Especially those of you who rostered Cards and Royals yesterday. Well, hitters at least. Not you, Stephen Kolek (1 2/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 4.15). This was the worst Royals start since Edinson Volquez on June 24th, 2016, almost exactly ten years ago. Because I’ve been doing this so long I went back to see what I said for him back then, but it was a Friday, so Dan Pants covered it. Pants! He said, “If you started him, my condolences to your ERA and WHIP. In my hometown, which I will not mention here because you will all judge me, there is a seedy hotel called the Edinson Hotel. That’s what I always think of when I think of Volquez, and it’s because of this I’ve never owned him. Thanks, sketchy pay-by-the-hour motel!” Wish I knew about a Kolek Motel. Doing most of the Royals’ damage was Jac Caglianone (2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs) and his 11th and 12th homer, and three straight games with a homer. Pasketti who?! He’s the Royals’ first baseman who was struggling and is now injured. I know, Random Italicized Voice. Then don’t ask. The Italian Stallianone should be rostered everywhere. Also, Carter Jensen (2-for-3, 3 runs) hit his 10th homer, 2nd homer in four games. Did the Royals move the fences in again this week? Also, Nick Loftin (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 2nd homer. A Loftin he-be-goin. Then! On the other side! JJ Wetherholt (3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 11th and 12th homer. Jamba Juice keepin’ shizz refreshing! Next up, Ivan Herrera (3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 10th homer. He has a .405 OBP, which is nothing to sneeze at, unless you’re allergic to high OBPs. Finally, Masyn Winn (2-for-5, 4 RBIs) hit his 3rd homer. More like W.B. Masyn. Because he’s all business (supplies) or whatever they have there. Not a sponsor! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Bobby Witt Jr. – Missed this weekend series, and will be reevaluated on Monday, likely hitting the IL fifteen minutes after your weekly lineups lock. He’s dealing with an MCL sprain. 1150 officially the worst year ever. Baseball was still about 700 years away; the Magna Carta was 65 years away and I wasn’t yet born. What a stupid year! And now, as if that’s not enough Bobby Witt Jr. sprained his. [lighting on fire my expected 50 steals from Bobby Witt Jr., accidentally burning the 15 more homers I was planning on and blowing on them real fast to try to put out the fire, but the oxygen causes them to go up even faster] Great! Everything’s great!

Dustin May – 2 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.30. Yesterday was a bad day to quit sniffing glue.

Michael Soroka  – Hit the IL after an MRI on his left glute. In layman’s terms, that’s the butt. He had butt problems. Walking into the doctor’s office, saying to the receptionist, “Here for butt stuff.” He was one of my more reliable starters in some leagues, and I think that’s a compliment for him.

Jordan Lawlar – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. Ya know what his tendons would be so good for? Selling some Port St. Lucie real estate with Alex Kirilloff!

Zac Gallen – 4 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 6.10. He struggled to get a deal this past winter, but ended up signing back with the DBacks for a one-year deal, but this year he’s hoping for a long-term deal in Korea.

Jose Cabrera – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, as he was called up. Jose Cabrera sounds like a hitter. Lonathan Kabrera? Pitcher. Jose Cabrera? Hitter. Do I need to go to Latin America and name people? So, Cabrera had 9.4 K/9, 2.4 BB/9, 3.69 ERA in 61 IP in Triple-A, and looks barely NL-Only worthy. Now Lonathan Kabrera? He’s good.

Taj Bradley – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.11. Taj Mah-passable-kinda-meh-starter.

Mike Paredes – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.05. Yesterday’s Paredes/Cabrera matchup was some real, “Who now?” Paredes is another “Prolly shouldn’t be in the majors, how desperate are these teams?” and barely AL-Only.

Nathan Eovaldi – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.24, after being scratched with knee soreness on Saturday. Captain EO is ei, ei, ei oh no he’s injured once every two weeks.

MacKenzie Gore – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.07. Moved up his start because of Eovaldi, and pitched well. Might want to consider moving him up every time out until he’s pitching on zero days rest. Gore says, “Bring me Thanos and less rest!”

Jack Leiter – Hit the Ineffective List with “You are doo-doo.”

Wyatt Langford – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, 3rd homer in four games. I don’t usually give you Sells who are currently hot because it makes me look stupid, but I can make myself look stupid and I purposely did with Wyatt and Merrill because it’s the first time they have any value to trade them.

Walker Buehler – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.96. It’s not a total mirage either, he’s pitching well — 8.1 K/9, 2.9 BB/9, 3.60 xFIP, ground balls way up (not literally), and home runs down, but unlucky on LOB%, which balances things. I don’t trust him fully; I’d trade him if I were the Padres, and Streamonator would be the last call on whether to start him still.

Paul Skenes – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.86 vs Tomoyuki Sugano – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.31. Nothing really to say, except Sugano out-pitched Skenes in Coors, as everyone assumed.

Jared Jones – 3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 5.75, and left after taking a comebacker off his arm. Seems okay, but there’s a reason why doctors don’t usually just watch a replay from 2,000 miles away.

Bryan Reynolds – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .287. They don’t call him Mr. Excitement Bryan Reynolds for nothing.

Kyle Harrison – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.50. I am forever amazed at how good the Brewers are at this.

Robert Gasser – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.50. His numbers are moving towards rosterable in deeper mixed leagues, but still borderline monocle. If your league is aggressive, maybe you stash him now. No, that doesn’t mean pull up his picture and draw a mustache on your computer screen where his upper lip is and now how are you cleaning that off your screen?

William Contreras – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. Contreras Brother Update Time! Checking Player Rater to see which brother is higher and it’s. Dot dot dot. William! Barely.

Chris Sale – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.14. Watching Scherzer go to the IL this week with Old, it reminded me to enjoy Sale while he’s still Sale and not Stale.

Bryce Elder – 6 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 3.71. Yesterday was a good day to accidentally bench all your starters. It was also a good day to weed out the good from the bad starters, and start cutting guys.

Logan Webb – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.35.

Logan Webb is the first Giants pitcher to go 8+ innings in three consecutive starts since Madison Bumgarner in June 2015

Last in 4 straight: 2010 Matt Cain

— Sarah Langs (@SlangsOnSports) June 21, 2026

Kyle Stowers – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 8th homer, third homer in four games. Just gave you my Kyle Stowers fantasy. Was written after taking HGH.

Emmet Sheehan – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.32. I can’t tell you how excited I was for him this year. Total zero. Hate him.

Adley Rutschman – Hit the 7-day concussion IL. Orioles tested him by asking who he was and he said former top prospect, Adley Rutschman, and they were like, “Give him a week to sleep it off.”

Trevor Rogers – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.30. Starts don’t get more impressive than that. In Uquagmire Field at Dodger Stadium, putting on a clinic. That’s the kind of start that if he were dropped, I’d grab him again immediately. Rogers is capable of a three-month run being one of the best starters in the game.

Taylor Ward – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .255. Crazy how obvious it is that he’s hurt and no one is saying anything. Bunch a freakin’ liars and cover-uppers!

Colton Cowser – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .238. I had this slightly stupid idea the O’s didn’t hit many homers, so I went to look at the team stats, and O’s are around middle of pack for homers. Red Sox and Rays are pathetic.

Pete Alonso – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer. Albombso!

Brandon Young – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.07. Goodbye, Kolek. Hello, Young!

Blaze Alexander – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .312, and hitting near-.400 in June. As they said in the caves back in the day, Blaze is fire.

Emerson Hancock – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.60. So long! Farewell! Alf wiedersehen! It’s time to say goodbye. We had a good run, but I’d look elsewhere. Remember, you’re defeating the purpose if you picked up a guy and got a good two months out of him then you held too long. Also, it’s something most people forget at the end of the year. Frankenstein’ing a starter out of multiple guys works. No one is impressed by your Hancock/new arm hybrid Frankencock, but it’s cool if it’s usable, and I can barely see the stitches!

Logan Gilbert – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.29. So, are they not piggybacking their starters? I’m so confused. Did they just say that to appease Luis Castillo?

Dominic Canzone – Hit his 12th homer, and left with a hamstring strain. He should’ve been hitting cleanup every single day. Instead, the M’s were committed to vets who suck, and now he’s hurt! Blame Indonesian butterflies!

Freddy Peralta – 2 2/3 IP, 10 ER, ERA at 4.83. Peralta was like, “If I show the Phillies how good they can be when I’m on the mound, then maybe they’ll trade for him.” Bro, this is an insane start. I don’t even know what you do with that. I told people to not draft him, and hated him coming into this year. He was so clearly coming off a career year and leaving the best pitching factory in Milwaukee to go to one that fired their one good pitching coach. Seems harsh to just drop him, but I wouldn’t be starting him.

Carson Benge – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .257. Wonder how long until the Mets’ mess seeps into his pores and ruins him. Half season? Full season?

Bryce Harper – 3-for-4 and his 17th homer, and hit for the cycle on Saturday (in the 1st five innings). Mets are helping guys do stuff previously unimaginable. Mets are like the anti-Knicks. Jumble the Knicks’ players names and you have Mets players. Everyone wants to GO and Balen on the team.

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 29th homer, and three homers on Saturday. June [handshake emoji] Schwarber [handshake emoji] Mets being awful = His Saturday.

Walbert Urena – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.41. The Bert gets the A’s again next time, only this time at home, and that feels like such a trap. Like a pot of honey on the ground with a bowl of Greek yogurt and berries and a sign that says, “Add honey, it makes it soooooooo delicious,” and a hidden net under it all.

Reid Detmers – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.93Sadly, he couldn’t pull off The Bert in SacTown.

Donovan Walton – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. He was a schmotato last week, and he’s keeping that fire emoji burning.

Denzer Guzman – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and three homers in three games. Okay, schmotato, sure, but the Angels were in Bing Bong, so we’ll see on them going forward.

Nick Kurtz – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .290. There were people doubting whether to draft him in the top 20. He’s like the only top 20 player (hitter or pitcher) not named Ohtani, who is healthy and performing.

Joey Cantillo – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.05 vs. Spencer Arrighetti – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.13. Cleveland Starting Pitcher Factory in the old, uh, The Old Spaghetti Factory vs. Sp. Arrighetti, and what’s old is new again. Also, these two guys were crossing positive and negative regression streams in Ghostbuster if Who Ya Gonna Call was the Streamonator.

Slade Cecconi – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.48 vs. Kai-Wei Teng – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.03. They’re almost identical in underlying stats; Slade has less Ks. I mean their stats, not their names. Less Ks name-wise gives you Cai-Wei’s, a Korean remake of I don’t want no more f***ing Merlot!

Yordan Alvarez – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his AL-leading 25th homer, hitting .322. Can Captain Woo Cubano get the Triple Crown this year? Yes, because I have him nowhere, after having him everywhere last year.

Troy Melton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.56. Troy Melton’s out here putting up number two fantasy numbers just off waivers like en bee dee.

Keider Montero – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.68 and in the rotation for the foreseeable future because Justin Verlander is injured, but it’s not clear how long because Verlander is also refusing to retire and spend time with Kate Upton. Weird guy! Montero’s underlying numbers are pretty meh, but worth a monocle.

Dillon Dingler – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Hoping one day you can understand the glory, the pure exhilaration from Dingler and a hanger.

Davis Martin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.18. Started him because of a two-start week, and thankfully. I needed that BOGO.

Seranthony Dominguez – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.86, and his 4th blown save. Shite Sux better trade him at the deadline, otherwise I don’t know why they haven’t turned to Hudson or Taylor full-time.

Ian Seymour – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.98. Rays wiggle their nose and their middle relievers are suddenly starters. I stream of Jeannie. Or maybe Ian of Jeannie. Or maybe neither. Also an option! I. Seymour of him, the more I like. Right now he’s iffy, but he was perennially a 2.30-ish ERA pitcher in Triple-A. Too early for most mixed leagues, but I’d monocle. He could be [wiggles nose] usable.

Nick Martinez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.73. After yesterday’s shellackings of Elder, Kolek and others, I am so scurrrrred of Martinez. He’s an Nick-Ma.

Ryan Vilade – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, and his 2nd homer in four games, hitting .287. Also, in this game, Jonny DeLuca (2-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 4th homer, and his 2nd homer in three games. Combining them because this post is going on 4,000 words. I’m effin’ Tolstoy of fantasy baseball.

CJ Abrams – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 17th homer, hitting .286. Corange Juice hitting 30 homers this year might go a long way to him being a top ten pick next year.

Daniel Palencia – Dealing with a minor flexor strain. I’m debating dropping him in a league with no IL slots. I’m debating myself and I’m losing. Mean’s while, Jacob Webb went 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.90 on Saturday. Luckily (is it lucky?), Thielbar gave up two earned on Saturday too. I don’t know what this means for their pen, prolly nothing. It’s a closerfudge of epic proportions.

Will Warren – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.45. But there were four unearned runs for the heart-stopping box scare!

Austin Wells – 0-for-2 as he was activated from the IL. Everyone in the clubhouse greeted this news with a mixture of enthusiasm and anguish because they could use his bat in the lineup, but with Wells comes his burrito farts.

Ben Rice – 2-for-3 and his 22nd homer, 2nd homer in three games. Rice-a-HRoni!

Tyler Stephenson – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. More importantly, he also apparently needs a cut-off man to throw to 2nd because the Yankees were stealing at will. Cody Bellinger (1-for-3) stole two (9, 10); Jasson Domiguez (1-for-4) stole two (2, 3) and Jazz Chisholm Jr. (1-for-4) stole two (22, 23).

Chase Burns – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.00. “Sleep with one eye open.” That’s the Regression Fairies.

Andrew Abbott – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.83. One of my biggest regrets was dropping Abbott after his awful April. Well, after drafting Tatis, Vlad Jr., not drafting Yordan, Jordan Walker and, yeah, there’s a whole host of regrets!