“After Chris Davis raved about it, I had to check it out.” said James Paxton, as he sipped maple syrup. He continued, “It was my favorite show since the last time I saw Rush.” The Canadian then put on moose antlers, an orange vest and grabbed his shotgun. Before he exited the press conference, he smiled, adding, “Eh.” So, James Paxton busted that slumped like Chris Davis before him and like every team that faces the Sawx. Crazy when you have Mookie Betts hitting near-.200 and Benintendi out of the lineup, what a massive hole the Red Sox become, or a Mass-hole for short. Yesterday, James Paxton went 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.91, putting to doubt some concerns that he would be eaten alive by the New York lights. Paxton laughed, “It’s just like downtown Saskatchewan.” All the New Yorkers grinned, Paxton was already growing a tough, sarcastic sense of humor indicative of New York, when Paxton added, “Seriously, eh, there’s nothing finer than Regina.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Greg Bird – Out with a torn left plantar fascia, which sounds like yet another season-ending injury. This Bird you can, indeed, cage. How about him for the Spring Training Hall of Fame tho, huh? All he does is homer in the spring. Maybe the injuries happen while he’s migrating? Mike Ford was called up, who is 46 years old. No, he’s 26, but he’s spent a long time in the minors. He hit 5 HRs in ten Triple-A games this year, because he’s faced all minor league pitchers 1,000 times. Okay, no, but he’s old so a lot of pitchers are prolly familiar. Outside of AL-Only leagues, I’d likely ignore, but he does seem to have pop. He could have Maas Appeal.
Clint Frazier – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Six weeks ago: how can Gleyber Torres fit into the lineup when Didi returns? Now: Mike Tauchman is a starter. But, hey, the Red Sox are a mess, so Tauchman homered. Touché, man!
Sandy Leon – 0-for-3 as the terrible hitting catcher was recalled. Excuse me, Chris Sale’s personal catcher, Sandy Leon. Yo, we fixed Sale! Drop the balloons! *sees results* Okay, save some balloons for a birthday party or a rumspringa.
Chris Sale – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 8.50. On the positive side, his velocity was back. On the negative, this is now considered a good Sale start.
Jeremy Jeffress – Activated from the IL. There’s a chance he is the new Brewers closer, so he should be owned in all leagues, until this is figured out. Hopefully, they find closure before Cougs and I. See, I’m ride or die BTS, and the wife’s all BLACKPINK, not sure how we reconcile this.
Brandon Woodruff – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.23. All right, I’ll take it, Woodbarf! His peripherals are solid, so I’d let out the leash a little (better to hang our collective hopes on).
Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .404. The late Penny Marshall blew a plastic glove and put it on top of Miller Park and ever since, the ball carries.
Tyler O’Neill – Hit the IL with an elbow injury, i.e., Tyler one ill outfielder. Play on words points!
Jack Flaherty – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.00. “Hello, this is your pilot speaking. Don’t want to alarm anyone, but we’re being told we can’t land due to a Pitcherpocalypse.”
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. OZUNA making up for lost time. OZUNA does not want to catch worms. OZUNA play tricky game of gaining lost time without being early bird.
Asdrubal Cabrera – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and third homer in four games, and I don’t know why you’re not picking him up either. Is it his weird name? You’re a nameist!
Blake Snell – Hit the IL with a fractured fourth toe on his right foot. That’s *counting* “This Little Piggy Had None.” Before “The None” panics you, he’s only supposed to miss one start.
Tyler Glasnow – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.13. At least one thing makes sense this year.
Avisail Garcia – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (2), hitting .327. He seemed to be hitting well for a solid team, and I added him over the weekend. However, Delino DeShields stole a base or some shizz, so I switched to that schmohawk. Why does DeShizz keep mocking me? Grab Avisail if he’s out there; he’s in a place to succeed.
Jose Alvarado – 1 IP, 0 ER in the 8th, as Diego Castillo (1 IP, 0 ER) came on for his 2nd save. Both of their ERAs are at 0.00, so it’s hard to fault the Rays. This might be a shituation where both guys get saves in a 70/30 split. Hopefully, in Alvarado’s favor, because that’s who I own.
Dwight Smith Jr. – 2-for-4 and his 3rd steal, as he hits third. Been telling you about the schmotato that is Smith for at least a week now. C’mon, blinkie, hop to it!
Kyle Gibson – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 7.36. He’s like the anti-Christ of Quality Starts. I’ve lost all patience with him. The Streamonator loves his next start, but you know it’s going to be a start where he goes anywhere from 4 to 5 2/3 IP and gives up four earned. You know this to be true.
Jorge Polanco – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. He’s having himself a solid first month, huh? Have yourself an Aprolanco!
Eric Sogard – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st steal, as he hits leadoff for…Guess. Go ahead. C’mon. No, not the Washington Generals, but good guess. The Jays. What a jizzoke. They are ghost-riding their team.
Matthew Boyd – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.96. His peripherals still look gorge, as in they make me engorged, and I’d still continue to own him.
Shane Greene – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.00. So, he’s not going to win the Cy Young? Well, there’s still time, I suppose.
Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners (0 walks), 8 Ks, ERA at 5.56. I just laughed at his ERA. Do any starters have a good ERA? Remind me next year to bench all my starters in April and ramp guys up in May.
Steven Duggar – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Good thing Duggar decided to skip the birth of his 17th kid to go to the game.
Brandon Belt – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer. He usually hits a home run, then follows it up with an encore in the next day or so. (‘Or so’ is the ultimate hedge.)
Javier Baez – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer. Whoever said in the preseason Baez was a .255 hitter should eat a D. *quickly checks to make sure I didn’t project him for .255* Nope, I am hungry from not eating a D! Hmm, that sounded better in my head.
Jose Quintana – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.43. Now back-to-back great starts against garbage teams. Thankfully, there’s more garbage teams where that came from! About to make a pact with myself to just avoid the Phils, Nats, Braves, Dodgers, Brewers and Rockies at home, and go full throttle against everyone else.
Pablo Lopez – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.85. Just looked at his player page, and his peripherals look beautiful. Was thoroughly shocked by what I saw. Results are obviously not there yet. For now, I’m still confer with Streamonator but I’m intrigued, y’all!
Hyun-Jin Ryu – Will return to the rotation next week. He said his groin feels…nice.
Yonder Alonso – 4-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .220. He came up a triple short of the cycle and one cuter nephew short of drawing Machado to the White Sox. On the fo’reals, a four-hit night goes a long way to a schmotato run, so if he was dropped in your league, I’d look to grab him.
Nick Margevicius – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.60. I’ll be honest, kinda glad to see this schmohawk get hit. **ck Margevicius.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. The only thing I have left from maw-maw is this TV Guide cover she loved of Kermit and Miss Piggy. I’ll put it, all slipshod, on this open window sill–NOOOO!!! Torenado!!!
Garrett Hampson – 2-for-4, 3 runs and a slam (1) and legs (1), hitting .200. “I didn’t think he inhaled that much of the formaldehyde, but apparently he’s…kaput. Let’s wait until late tonight and put him in the dumpster–Wait! He’s alive! I thought Hampson was gone.”
Alex Bregman – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .302. Also, in this game, George Springer (1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 5th homer. Elias Sports Bureau said this is the first time these two have ever homered in the same game, or so they think off the top of their head.
Josh Reddick – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .319. I’m a cyclops with a monocle on Reddick. So, I guess I’m a urologist.
Shane Bieber – 6 Ip, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.71. Hey, so one pitcher in the majors is good. All right!
Jay Bruce – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, as he keeps pace with the league leaders in homers, because this is, ya know, 2011.
Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.64. You could’ve picked up his opponent, Max Fried (6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.92) off waivers. Instead, you’re wondering if you can start your third starter, Robbie Ray. Yes, that is a Lame City comparison. I will still make it though.
Ozzie Albies – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Between his 1st and 2nd home run, he earned $178.65.
Ronald Acuña Jr. – 2-for-2, 2 runs and his 6th homer. Tildaddy pinches your arm leaving a bruise.
A.J. Minter – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 9.64. Major League Baseball is playing the wrong sport. Right now, it’s pulling the football out from a charging Charlie Brown. “Nah, you’re good, go ahead, Minter…” Zoinks! If I were speculating beyond Minter, I guess *looks at their bullpen* Man, I don’t know. Luke Jackson? Chad Sobotka? Sign Kimbrel already!
Jean Segura – Left with hamstring tightness. Sounds day-to-day, or Day II Day, if you’re into R&B.
Maikel Franco – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs, and his 6th homer. I don’t own Rhys, Maikel or Kingery (hit his 1st homer, hitting near-.500), but I’d like to see all three in the lineup for fantasy’s sake. I say bench Cesar and put Kingery at 2nd. I say this to no one, because I don’t have a say in the Phillies’ lineup decisions. Maybe with Segura banged-up, Kingery gets a little look-see.
Nick Pivetta – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 8.35. We should call Pivetta ‘The Air Pump.’ “Team’s down by ten runs. Man, they are deflated. Wait, here comes The Air Pump.”
J.T. Realmuto – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 2nd homer. You know what’s funny while not being funny at all? Kapler is so ADHD with his pitching staff, but the Phils are up by 10+ runs and Jerry Tomato Realmuto catches the whole game.
Steven Matz – 0 IP, 6 ER, 5 baserunners, ERA at 4.96. The Regression Fairies call males and females “Sirs”; they exchange looks when someone is wearing white socks with dress pants and they will destroy your ratios.
Brandon Nimmo – Left the game with a sore neck. He injured his neck watching home runs fly over him.