My Kimbrel Town Chicago Is

Handed down through the generations from Hammurabi to Hammurabi was a code of SAGNOF.  It read, “Yo, Hamm-whaaaaaazzzzzup-be?! Don’t pay for saves, dem shizzes are free on waivers.” It read a bit like a text message, tee bee aitch.  But that was the code as written.  Cut to 14,000 years later, and I received this code in a dream after ingesting a massive amount of peyote.  I would’ve discarded it like the iguana I also received, but there was something to this code, and from that day forward I forbade myself from paying a lot for saves.  Then March came and Craig Kimbrel was falling and I was like, “Ain’t ever gonna get a price like this again!” and drafted him, and not listening to Hamm-whaaaaaazzzzzup-be really effed me.  Thankfully, my long national nightmare is over and Craig Kimbrel signed with the Cubs.  Does this negate all the leagues where I have Pedro Strop?  *Lisa Simpson grumble*  Yes, appizzarently, it does. I’d imagine Kimbrel will need at least two to three weeks of minor league games to get up to snuff, but closers can get stretched quicker than starters, obvi.  I wouldn’t drop Strop until I saw a Kimbrel save, but he’s coming back.  Finally.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ben Zobrist – Sounds like he might be retiring.  Something that’s been underreported is Ben Zobrist had missed a month of the season because of a divorce.  Has he never passed a park bench and seen a divorce attorney placard? Does dude know he can hire an attorney? I mean, it sucks, but missing a month to do what?  Weep? I’d respect him more if he took a month off to just get ass.  He should walking into the clubhouse like, “BIG BEN IS BACK IN THE GAME, SEND ME NUDES, THOTS!”

David Bote – 4-for-4, 7 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .289.  Not sure it was the “bro move” of Bote, but he’s prolly glad he told Zobrist that Rizzo and Heyward ran the train on his ex.

Peter Lambert – One of the Rockies’ top pitching prospects is being called up for a spot start to give Jon Gray an extra day for his hot spot — that he named Wifi Gogo.  Guess what Lambert’s ERA was in Triple-A.  If you said 5.00 ERA, you’re too low.

German Marquez – 5 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.07.  *hails taxi*  “Take me to hell.”  That was me reenacting me starting Marquez yesterday.  Well, his xFIP is good!  *tries to smile, cries*

Fernando Tatis Jr. – Headed back to rejoin the Padres.  About time, was beginning to think he retired to run his old man’s MS Paint gallery.

Matt Strahm – Hit the IL with a strained rib cage.  His brother, Pat, never had a problem with injuries.  No, sir.  “I’ve been on toast, but I’ve never been toast,” said Pat Strahm wryly.  So, it’s barely even June and the Padres are already pulling up on the throttle on their young starters.  Next will be Paddack shut down for some mysterious reason and the Padres are gonna send to the mound a mop wearing a cowboy hat. Until the mop is outfitted, Cal Quantrill (5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.85) was recalled to take Strahm’s place.

Josh Naylor – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  Has anyone seen this can of Chunky soup they call Josh Naylor?  He looks like he watches Franmil finish eating dinner, then finally towards the end says, “If you’re not gonna finish everything, I’m hungry.”

Wil Myers – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (11) and legs (7).  As whatever as Myers has been, and he’s been whatever, he’s above Manny Machado on the Player Rater.

Jake Arrieta – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.29. Hey, Cubs fans, Darvish hasn’t been good, but Arrieta wasn’t the answer, so you can quit your moaning.  What’s that, you were cast to play Moana for a live-action, Disney-on-ice production?  Oh, it’s okay then. By the way, the Phils pitching has given up more homers than any other NL team.  When I say dumpster, you say fire!

Jay Bruce – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer on the Phillies in two games, and 17th homer overall, and why can’t boxscores combine a guy’s stats across leagues?  This drives me nuts every year and once again here we are!  There’s absolutely no reason a player should start over in stats when they’re traded to the other league. It made no sense before interleague, but fine.  Now? It really is stupid.

Will Smith – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  Austin Barnes gets the everyday job back on Friday when he returns?  Okay, now answer again thinking like Dave Roberts.

Kenta Maeda – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.48. Since the Dodgers don’t need a 5th starter again for a few, Maeda could be headed for another mysterious IL stint.  Pretty surprising how only the Dodgers seem to still do this.

Jon Duplantier – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.27.  Fun fact!  Jon Duplantier is every character’s name in Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, and always pats his brow with a handkerchief.

Brad Peacock – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.20 vs. Mike Leake – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.30.  Yesterday was the classic Peacock/Leake matchup, billed as, “Streamers’ Delight vs. Urine Trouble.”  Remember, if you want to relieve Peacock, Andrew Chafin of the D-Backs would be a bad choice.

Domingo Santana – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .266. “There doesn’t seem to be any reason to carry the body back, we can just say we misplaced it–Hold on!  Domingo is alive? What?!”

Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .241.  As Edwin rounded the bases yesterday, the parrot on his shoulder said, “Polly, wanna trade to the Dodgers.”

Mac Williamson – 1-for-1, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, a pinch-hit shot as he was called up by the M’s, because they’re trying to tank.  The M’s do have an Indians in Major League quality to them, don’t they?  Like every time they try to lose, they can’t help scoring a bazillion runs.  Though, I’m not sure ex-Giants, long-time blaxploitation star Mac Williamson is the answer to anything other than stealing ABs from Vogelbach.

Kyle Seager – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in four games.  Could be a guy to look at or could be a last-guy-on-waivers-that-you-stare-at-for-five-minutes-then-don’t-pickup guy.

Carlos Carrasco – Hit the IL with a blood condition that has left him feeling lethargic for weeks.  The Indians said he would step away from baseball.  Not to yell fire in the theater of Razzball, but this is about as bad as news gets. Best case, the doctors figure out the issue — hey, he just needed some morning coffee! — and Carrasco comes back around the All-Star Break.  Worst case, we’re wondering where to draft him next year after he missed four months of the season, and wasn’t good when he was starting.  Moderate case, he becomes the 54th Democrat running for President as a moderate.

Jorge Polanco – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .339.  Hashtag truth:  Polanco was a guy I didn’t want in any league in the preseason, and is a guy I wish I owned in every league now.

Byron Buxton – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .262.  I’m a full-on Buxton stan now.  Buxstan?  I watched his home run yesterday about five dozen times.  Know why Buxton’s money — Buckston? — because he has flash-quick speed and the ball jumps off his bat.

Blake Parker – 1 IP, 3 ER, and the blown save, ERA up to 3.74. Parker out here with a sign that reads, “I am a Taylor Rogers fantasy owner too.”

Francisco Lindor – 2-for-4, 3 runs and a slam (11) and legs (7), hitting .311.  Watch Lindor get to a 25+ HR, 20-steal season, which absolutely no one saw coming as they cursed their early draft when they took him in the top 5 in February.

Roberto Perez – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  Rob Manfred holds his hand over his mouth as he whispers into the phone, “If Roberto Perez hits 20 homers this year, they might think there’s a problem with the balls.”

Jordan Luplow – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .255.  Everywhere is playing like Coors and David Dahl’s out here hitting homers like a pre-2019 Tommy La Stella.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer.  Not saying New York is the center of the earth, because I don’t believe that, but New York absolutely thinks of itself this way. Yesterday, all I heard was how Vlad the Mini Impala had now arrived.  Really?  Because he homered against the Yankees?  Oh…*writes 25,000 word thinkpiece about why King Kong doesn’t have a penis*…kay.

Randal Grichuk – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homers, and 2nd and 3rd homers in as many games. I dropped the ball by not mentioning him yesterday, because as soon as he hits one homer he becomes a hot schmotato for about a week.

DJ LeMahieu – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 3rd homer in his last seven games.  DJ’s on the 1’s, 2’s, 3’s and 4’s if you’re keeping score.

Gary Sanchez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .270.  He’s already hit more home runs this year than last.  Don’t worry, if you want to get in on the Sanchanigarygans, you can have him cheap again in 2021.

Yoan Moncada – 1-for-5 and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  Moncada is locked in again, so dial M for long ball!

Jose Abreu – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer.  Reminds me what I said yesterday for Freeman.  Essentially, Abreu is a 27-homer hitter, but with Superballs, he could hit 35+ homers.  And that’s me paraphrasing me!

Welington Castillo – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer.  Where’s the boeuf?!

Charlie Morton – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.30.  He should go by the more adult Charles, because my man is in charge!  On a side note (that’s so unrelated), every time I hand someone my credit card for anything under $10, I always say something like, with a little desperation in my voice, “I just deposited a check for $12, so hopefully it’s cleared.”

John Means – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.67 vs. Mike Minor – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.55.  FanDuellies pre-game, “I’m stacking the chalk out of those O’s and Rangers hitters, boi!”  Mid-game, “I’m going to go work on my novel.”

Tommy La Stella – Hit his 13th homer.  More like Tommy La Guardia because it’s liftoff, baby!

Mike Trout – Hit his 15th homer.  Look at this wannabe La Stella!

Shohei Ohtani – Hit his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  It’s Sho-time!

Anibal Sanchez – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.19.  Streamonator liked Anibal yesterday — Sit, robot, sit.  Good robot. — with similar projections for him for his next start.

Juan Soto – 3-for-4, 1 run, hitting .300.  Sexy Dr. Pepper has been smoking the Fanta out of the ball for a while with more dinkers and less donkers.  I, personally, would like some donkers.  Please and thank you.

Trea Turner – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .263.  He’s back from the IL?  Wow, had no idea.  That’s great.  Now steal 25 bags in the next month!

Rafael Devers – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (9) and legs (8), hitting .316.  Bit disappointed in myself that I didn’t try to buy Devers low in April when he was sitting on zero homers.  He’s breaking out to the point where I’m thinking he’s a top 25 guy next year.

Chris Sale – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.84.  He spun this gem in Kaufmann Stadium where Royals’ owner, David Glass, could only admire Sale’s last name.

Joe Musgrove – 8 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.44.  I’ll say it for you, sonavabench!  Just think, if you did start him, he would’ve been hit around like Kevin Gausman (5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 6.15) and a tsunami would’ve hit Southeast Asia, so we’re all better off.

Colin Moran – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .278.  Not sure if he gets there this year, maybe after the All-Star break, but Moran looks like he could breakout at some point.  Am I already priming the pump for my first 2020 sleeper? Did I just come up with the phrase ‘priming the pump’?  Sounds again like Andrew Chafin.

Dansby Swanson – 2-for-4 and his 13th homer, and 3rd homer in four games.  Mean’s while, Ozzie Albies is watching late-night QVC to see what cool gizmos he can buy with his contract money.  “A turtleneck that now comes with 20% more so it covers your face? That’s awesome!”

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer.  Tildaddy says you can get up from the table!

Buster Posey – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain.  Since Buster Posey sounds like a 2 Live Crew song, I’m gonna go with he hurt himself twerking.

Tyler Beede – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 8.15. *whistling casually*  Look at that juicy matchup of Beede in Metco vs….

Jason Vargas – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.57.  I forgot two key things:  Beede rhymes with BBs for a reason and Vargas is the Mets’ best pitcher.  I’m about to buy a Jason Vargas blow-up doll, put it in my passenger seat and drive around to pick up chicks in Kew Gardens.  “We ballers, ladies!”

Robinson Cano – Was activated from the IL and left the game with a sore quad.  If you own Cano and Miggy on any fantasy team, you need to stop reading the 2011 Baseball Almanac.

Adeiny Hechavarria – 1-for-2 and a homer.  In 60 ABs, Hechavarria has 4 HRs, 13 RBIs and hitting .242.  In 170 ABs, Cano has 3 HRs, 13 RBIs and hitting .238.

Michael Conforto – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer.  Even better, Cano didn’t collide with him!

Amed Rosario – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, as he was moved back to the bottom(ish) of the order. Hopefully Cano’s out so Alonso or Conforto can hit third and Amed can move back to the leadoff spot.

Brian Anderson – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (7) and legs (4), and his 2nd home run in as many games.  Cooper who?  Anderson’s super!  I kid, I still like Cooper, but Anderson is obviously a hot schmotato.

Sandy Alcantara – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.80.  Don’t say it, Random Italicized Voice.  You know you want to add up what your ERA would be if you owned all the Marlins starters instead of Trevor Bauer, Marquez and the rest of your schmohawks.  Shut up, Random Italicized Voice!  Streamonator doesn’t love Alcantara’s next start, and I’d be lying if I said I trusted him.

Jimmy Nelson – 3 IP, 4 ER as he was activated from the IL.  Reading a lot that if he’s anywhere near as good as he was about two years ago, he could be a huge boost to your fantasy team.  Yeah, and if ifs and buts were candy and nuts, I’d be a diabetic squirrel.  I’m more than willing to gamble on Nelson, but he’s a lottery ticket and they’ve called three numbers already and you need to get the next three numbers to break even.  For what it’s Werth, I watched him yesterday and he looked as rusty as a Kuntz.