The closest David Wright is to getting on the field is to smell the glove.  The doctors have diagnosed him with spinal stenosis, which is the narrowing of the spinal column.  “That sounds awesome, my column’s way too wide,” says a runway model.   Has there ever been a situation, besides This Is Spinal Tap, where the word spinal has been good?  Misspellings of spinal with l’pinas, the French Colada, does not count.  The plains in Wright’s pain fall directly on the spinal.  Honestly, this sounds like an issue that will plague him this entire year and he’s going to have a lost season.  Not honestly, good news.  On our podcast that is coming later today this ailment is compared to some football guy no longer doing football things due to spinal stenosis and how dropping Wright, if you don’t have DL room, could be the, uh, right move.  I sorta agree, but would try to hold him a bit longer, until we hear more.  It does sound like this has the makings of “Can Wright bounce back in 2016?” articles.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Matt Harvey – 4 IP, 7 ER.  Before the game, Harvey heard the bad news on Wright, and, apparently, his start is the baseball version of pouring some out for the brothers who ain’t here.

Lucas Duda – Didn’t start on Sunday with a tight hamstring.  Better than having a loose hamstring that needs to have its knuckles rapped by a nun.

Juan Lagares – Scratched from Sunday’s lineup with elbow and pectoral soreness.  That sounds like me after I lifted weights that one time in 1987.

Wilmer Flores – 2-for-4, 1 RBI as he hit in the two-hole.  He’s hit in nine of his last ten games, and leads the Mets in homers with six.  Yet, the Mets still seem like they don’t want to play him.  Yeah, go figure.  Simon didn’t say go figure.

Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .261.  Solid turn around in May with his average and power, but the steals still look lost from McClutchin’-His-Knee, so still don’t see a 1st round value coming here.

Francisco Liriano – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.86.  Yeah, Francisco puts the leery in Liriano, but his peripherals are once again purdy and more ace-like than they’re not.

Stephen Strasburg – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER against the hard-hitting Phillies, raising his ERA to 6.50.  From now on, I will call him Effin Strasburg.  Just go on the DL already, Effin Strasburg!

Gio Gonzalez – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.53.  Before we start giving each other a reach around for how smart we were for holding onto Gonzalez, this start was against the Phillies.  You know, the same team that hit Effin’ Strasburg!

Rubby de la Rosa – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.27.  Perhaps I’m giving Rubby too much slack, but I’d still try to hold him.  And, yes, with a held Rubby it’s usually taut, not slack.

Ender Inciarte – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th steal.  Had a day off on Saturday, but has been playing and hitting on most days in the Diamondbacks’ outfieldarousel, which is just as it sounds.

Brad Ziegler – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save as Burgos got hit around on Saturday.  I’d give up hope of anyone but Ziegler and Reed getting saves for the Diamondbacks in the near future.  Yes, Reed still because I think the D-Bags have some kind of McConkey-esque death wish.

Chris Coghlan – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer and his third homer this week.  Hot schmotato alert!

Jason Hammel – 7 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA up to 2.98.  He was merely beat by Au Shizz, who hit his 12th homer, but Hammel still threw a great game, and I would continue to own him.

Rusney Castillo – 1-for-4 as he was recalled on Friday after I said on Friday that the Red Sox shouldn’t be believed about not calling him up any time soon.  To add injury to insult, they concocted an ailment for Shane Victorino to hit the DL.  They said Victorino’s calf is strained, and put into remedial clubspeak this is, “Injure a body part, save a face.”  As for Castillo, obviously he should be owned everywhere; he’s a 12 HR, 30 SB guy, which is essentially a prime Victorino.

Xander Bogaerts – 4-for-4, 2 runs.  Hey, look at that!  It only took him 17 months of major league action to have a huge game.  No bust there!

Mike Napoli – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer in the last two days, and 8th overall.  Easily the hottest schmotato in the land.  He’s hotter right now than a witch’s teet in Salem, Mass. or even hotter than his mom.

Wade Miley – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA down to 4.47, which is Bob Gibson in 1968 when seen through the View-Master of Red Sox pitching.

Hector Santiago – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA up to 2.47.  This game was against the Red Sox, so I’m kinda glad he wasn’t completely rocked.  I want his ERA to look good going against a seemingly favorable opponent, so he gets hammered when my opponents stream him.

Kyle Lobstein – Hit the DL with shoulder inflammation.  He had been suffering from this ailment for a few starts, but the Tigers had been suffering from “Why didn’t we re-sign Scherzer?”  So they were doing what they could.

Anibal Sanchez – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Totally going off memory, but it feels like Anibal gives up seven earned runs in every start.  That’s good (for a Red Sox pitcher).

Nick Castellanos – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI.  Last time he had two hits in a game, he homered in the next game.  So, if you appreciate stick figure drawn conclusions, there ya go!

Anthony Gose – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .336 and hitting leadoff every day on the Tigers.  Owned in 28% of ESPN leagues.  Oh…*pounds out a chicken cutlet, fills it with spinach and ricotta cheese, rolls it up, ties it with twine, bakes it on 450 for 18-22 minutes, pulls it out and breathes in the aroma* …kay.  That’s the Chicken Florentine pause.

Lance McCullers – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.53 vs. the Tigers in his second career start.  As Prospector Mike said, “(McCullers) is a viable fantasy play in most formats right out of the gate, which rhymes with hate, which is what I feel for Grey.”  Wow, what’s that all about?  McCullers gets the White Sox next, a team that’s been awful so far this year, and McCullers has nice upside, so I could see giving him a whirl.  Or as Ice T would say, McCullers, McCullers-Cullers.

Evan Gattis – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .201.  If he can get up to the Marla Gibbs Line, he’s going to have huge value as a catcher.

Marwin Gonzalez – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 2nd multiple hit game in a row, hitting over .300 in the last week and BRING UP CORREA!

Luke Gregerson – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save, but just about every Astros reliever still looks better, and I would continue to hold Qualls once you put down those groceries.

CC Sabathia – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 5.47.  He should change his name to BCC, because no one should see this.

Mike Wright – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 0.00, though, I kinda want to do like the teacher in Ralphie’s dream when I write that, a’la ERA at 0.00000000000000.  His next start is going to be make or break on whether you should add him in leagues.  Nothing’s really standing out to me on him.  He throws fast (93 MPH), and throws his fastball a lot (72% of the time.  That would be the 4th most of any starter if he qualified, which isn’t the death knell for guys, but it’s worth pointing out, as I’ve done, now someone please get me out of this parenthetical.).  Thanks!

Miguel Gonzalez – 4 IP, 5 ER.  The Regression Fairies celebrated Memorial Day with mimosas, filed a complaint to a company that makes rapeseed oil and will destroy your pitching ratios.

Tom Koehler – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.44.  On Tuesday, he threw 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER.  I know this because in my weekly league, I benched Koehler for Effin Strasburg.  Lowercase yay!

Martin Prado – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .278.  Has a hit in seven straight games, and I can’t find anything else nice to say.

A.J. Ramos – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2nd save, ERA at 0.78.  Looks like Arnie Julep Ramos has the closer job in Miami on lock, and you can prolly move on from Cishek.

Christian Yelich – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .194.  Better start hitting or his guidance counselor is going to point him towards a trade school.

Jose Bautista – Received a cortisone shot on Sunday.  Here comes 11 homers in ten days starting Monday, then a DL stint 12 days from now!  Twelve Bautistas milking his shoulder!  Eleven Edwins hashtag winning!  Ten Devons forgetting Devons!  Nine Colabellos hot schmotatoing!  Eight hole is Goins!  Seven Saunders sauntering!  Six Dickeys f**king!  Fiiiiiiiiiive golden sombreros!  Four calling Marlon Byrds long distance because he’s not on the team!  Three they’re French in Toronto!  Two Winfields killing doves!  And a Pillar in a platoon with three!

Chris Colabello – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 3rd homer on Saturday as he hit cleanup yesterday, hitting .386.  You really should just own him, but for those that need more, our new writer, Dave, wrote about his Chris Colabello fantasy.

Aaron Sanchez – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.98.  His K-rate is 5.88 and his walk rate 5.88, which is a typo.  Not a typo on his walk or K rate, but it will make his ERA a typo.

Ryan Goins – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer.  I hope the Blue Jays announcer went with the home run call, “Goins, Goins Gone!”

James Paxton – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.52 and this Saturday game was in Toronto.  Pretty terrific start in Rogers Centre/Center.  I apologize/apologise if I’ve overanalyzed/overanalysed Paxton’s mound behavior/behaviour or belabored/belaboured a point/pointe, but I’m a fan/propeller.

Taijuan Walker – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA up to 7.33, and, in a different game, Erasmo Ramirez 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 6.62.  Fun fact!  The Mariners sold the soul of twenty years of future pitching prospects for Felix Hernandez.

Steven Souza – Left yesterday’s game with a sprained wrist.  Maybe I can’t help but always find the glass is half full with Souza, but thank you for getting injured on Sunday, prior to weekly lineups locking on Monday.

Logan Forsythe – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and 2 steals (2, 3), hitting over .300 in the month of May, and I’ve told you every day of May to pick him up, except for three days.

Kendall Graveman – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Kendall is a graveyard smash!  That teams can’t mash!  Also, this was against the Rays and I wouldn’t trust him next week vs. the Yankees and the Stream-o-Nator feels the same.

Sonny Gray – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, but left with an ankle bruise.  He took a comebacker off his ankle the inning before, but finished that inning, so he’s prolly fine.  Plus, he’s a Gray, we don’t disappoint.

Billy Burns – 3-for-5, 3 runs and a slam (1) and legs (7), hitting .309.  The pornucopia at the top of the A’s lineup of Burns/Semien/Reddick (2-for-5 and his 7th homer) has paid dividends the world over for fantasy baseballers and urologists.

Mark Canha – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer.  As someone who has owned Canha since the first week of the season in a deep league, he’s been as cold as Hillary when Bill touches her.

Yasmani Grandal – Hit the DL with a concussion.  He could be out anywhere from a week to a month.  My Yasmani’s on a week.

Mike Bolsinger – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 8 Ks.  As JB points out later on our podcast, Bolsinger’s LOB% is above his velocity.  That’s not a red flag.  That’s a skull and crossbones flag with cartoon circling birds, signifying a blunt head trauma.

Carlos Frias – 4 IP, 10 ER.  Hey, thanks for inviting me into this highly exclusive party that is taking place in a harmless-looking dungeon.  Could you watch my beer while I go take a whiz?  *cut to eight hours later*  Why is that guy hanging a kidney on a clothesline?  And why do I have a jagged hole in my body?  AH!!! ROOFIE!!!

Alex Guerrero – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer.  After the game, Mattingly pointed to Guerrero’s homer as why the Dodgers lost.

Justin Upton – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 6 RBIs and his 12th homer.  Listen (read), no one’s been as good as Bryce, but Upton’s been better than Trout, and Trout hasn’t been bad.  He’s been terrific.  Upton has just been terrificker.

Will Middlebrooks – 2-for-5 and his 5th homer.  His bat’s been quieter than a morgue filled with dead librarians, but maybe this is him coming out of it.

Will Venable – 4-for-5, 3 runs, hitting near-.300 since he started playing every day and I’m not sure when Myers is returning.  *Googles Will Myers’s return date, goes on a four-hour odyssey around the internet*  What was I doing again?

Cory Spangenberg – 3-for-5, 1 run.  Doesn’t his name sound like a name Fletch would’ve made up?

Nolan Arenado – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer.  Up until now the weather in Colorado’s been real shite, as the Brits say, and I seriously wouldn’t be surprised if the entire Rockies team lights this mother up like the Fourth of July in the summer, as the Americans say.

Chad Bettis – 8 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Yeah, but I stay away from Rockies pitchers who I affectionately refer to as Corkies.

Jose Abreu – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer.  Mazel tov!  Either the White Sox lowered the fences to an inch off the ground and moved the fences into 2nd base or Abreu finally elevated a pitch.

Kyle Gibson – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the White Sux, ERA down to 2.72.  Gibson’s K-rate is 4.3 and his walk rate is 2.7 and burp.  Doesn’t matter, those numbers are awful and I wouldn’t touch him.

Brian Dozier – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homers, hitting .253.  Here’s a crazy one, Cano was drafted before Dozier.  Try and backdate your logic and figure out why.  It’s so crazy, I bet you can’t.

Devin Mesoraco – Will make a decision on hip surgery soon.  It’s only been six weeks since he could squat.  Quite the decision-maker, Devin is.  You’d think an idea about what to do would come quicker to a guy that can turn a light bulb on with his mouth.

Johnny Cueto – Missed his start yesterday with a stiff elbow.  He believes it’s a minor issue.  Yeah, and Lieutenant Dan had a minor bottom half of the legs issue.

Marlon Byrd – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer.  On our Player Rater, Byrd is ahead of Dickerson, Bruce, Revere, Heyward and Soler, which is a who’s who of, “So, that’s why my team isn’t doing well!”

David Murphy – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .330, which is almost entirely vs. righties.  There are more righties than lefties so it’s not like he’s in with the LLAMAS and useless.

Trevor Bauer – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.02.  Feels like an ERA from a bygone era — pithy points!  That ERA era is last year — pithier points!  His K-rate (8.7), walk rate (3.5) and xFIP (3.98) do suggest a regression, but not awful and he could keep it going if he can control his, uh, control.

Corey Kluber – 8 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 3.49.  His ERA since my Buy is 2.77 and his K/BB is 47/5 in 35 2/3 IP.  Yup.

Yan Gomes – 0-for-4, 1 run as he was activated from the DL.  Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I’m at a 4-day Memorial Day BBQ/Rave.  Dropping vinegar-based BBQ sauce and E, so bugger off.”

Jason Heyward – Sat on Saturday and Sunday with hip tightness.  In the Cardinals clubhouse, this is also known as Randall Grichukitis.  Symptoms of Grichukitis, include ‘having an outfielder that is actually hitting,’ and ‘shortness of breath at how bad Heyward has been.’

Kolten Wong – 2-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .315.  I wonder if I can arrange a sit down with Wong and Arenado to get them to sign the book, “Making Grey Look Smart.”

Michael Wacha – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 1.87.  That’s an ERA his opponent, Yordano Ventura (7 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.64) takes as a personal request.

Mike Foltynewicz – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.25.  The Stream-o-Nator loved this start vs. the Brewers and hates his next one vs. the Giants, and I agree.  If you streamed Faultinourstarswicz, great, now I’d look elsewhere in most mixed leagues.

Jimmy Nelson – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.67.  You know who he compares to?  Trevor Bauer.  I will call them the Bauery Boys.

Jean Segura – Could return this Friday from a fractured pinkie.  Inky, Blinky and Clyde will miss him, but know Pinkie needs to return to the field.

Jonathan Lucroy – Could be activated next weekend.  He’s been on the shelf since mid-April.  It’s the top shelf, next to Wieters, Mesoraco, Gomes and any other catchers you shouldn’t have reached for.