The Roycester Gets Shucked

Royce Lewis sent to Triple-A. Hmm, let’s see the Twins’ top hitting prospects of the last few years: Luke Keaschall, Brooks Lee, Christian Encarnacion-Strand, Matt Wallner, Spencer Steer, Edouard Julien, Drew Gilbert, Trevor Larnach, Royce Lewis, Jose Miranda, Ben Rortvedt, and Redfin Smart Shopper, Alex Kirilloff. Quite the track record. It just so happens that we have an in with the Twins’ hitting scout, and I’m going to Zoom with him to have a chat. “Hey, thanks for joining us. Wow, quite the abode. Are you surrounded by Cabbage Patch Dolls, Beanie Babies, Bored Ape NFTs, tulips from Holland, and are currently feeding your Tamagotchi pet? You really are a great evaluator of future value. Wait, Jim Cramer, is that you?” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Jeffers – Hit the IL with a fractured hamate bone, and will miss six to eight weeks. Hopefully Jeffers sees Corbin Carroll’s doctor and not Jackson Holliday’s. Guess Caratini becomes the Twins’ starting catcher, and this is not an endorsement. BDon and I really jinxed things. On Monday, we taped the podcast about how great catchers had been, and lost two big ones that day.

Zebby Matthews – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.38. I see zero walks and I’m in. The lack of walks was what we’re waiting to see with him, and we’re seeing it. Presumably Ks will follow. Right now, we have one half the equation, but no walks is good enough for me.

Lance McCullers Jr. – Hit the IL with a shoulder inflammation. Well, he’ll always have his gutsy performance in the 2017 playoffs, which is exactly what everyone will remember of the 2017 Astros.

Isaac Paredes – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, 2nd homer in four games. Emoji wearing a monocle that falls out of its eye because the eye goes wide. I wouldn’t wait for someone else to grab Paredes and watch him go off on someone else’s team.

Jason Alexander – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 7.30 as he filled in for McCullers. Jason Alexander pitched well, must’ve been opposite day.

Bryan Abreu – 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 7.63. It’s with the hesitation of a thousand stammers that I say Abreu seems to be the Astros’ closer.

Will Warren – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.61. Now that Gerrit Cole’s returning (this Friday) and Warren is staying in the rotation for now, I’m holding Warren. The ol’ shrug and a “I guess so!”

Ben Rice – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Rice-a-HRoni!

Ryan McMahon – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (3). McMahon is one of the worst hitters in the majors, that he’s making Tatis look worse doesn’t make me want to throw my computer into the ocean. Why do you think that?

Camilo Doval – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 5.40, and his 1st save. It’s so funny how the Yanks have Fernando Cruz, who is excellent, and they keep trying to make everyone else, who sucks, work. This save by Doval doesn’t mean Shit-the-Bednar is out, because he went a couple days in a row (and Cruz had been used too). Bednar’s time could be up soon though, and Doval is almost as bad.

Dylan Cease – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.98. Cease’r got his salad chopped. What, you thought I was gonna say tossed? Ew, gross. C’mon!

Willy Adames – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. His hand is clear and Buy Low window is about to come crashing down on your hand now.

Rafael Devers – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer. Don’t hate this Buy Low either, if being honest, and, eff it, let’s be honest for once!

Landen Roupp – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.27. What’s up, Rouppdog! Not much, what’s Rouppdog to you?!

Caleb Kilian – 1 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.53 and essentially a blown save, but he got a Hold. I don’t know why Tonnato Vitello can’t manage a pen, but Kilian should’ve never been in the 8th inning. Then he brought in Matt Gage (0 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 1.86), a LOOGY to face a switch-hitter, Ketel Marte, who promptly hit his 6th homer. Overall, just fantastic stuff from Vitello.

Ryne Nelson – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.19. Opened Ryne Nelson’s stats and that was more than he deserved with those stats.

Freddie Freeman – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer. This is a whole little Buy Low section of the roundup. Hey, Buy Low Section of the Roundup, say hi to your mother for me.

Manny Machado – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Macho, macho Machado!

Miguel Andujar – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, 2nd homer in two games. I think Tatis has zero RBIs this year.

Emmet Sheehan – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.93. And the Buy Lows are over.

Taylor Ward – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. “Hey, I can’t be with you for your wedding, but I sent the corpse of my outfielder–Hold up! He moved! Ward’s alive!”

Kyle Bradish – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.13. He continues his march towards just bare respectability. Hey, after his first month, you’ll take it.

Griffin Jax – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.54. He’s stretched out-ish (threw 62 pitches), but his underlying numbers say [twist my arm] fine, Streamonator.

Yandy Diaz – Hit his 8th homer, then left after being hit by a pitch on the hand. Kevin Cash asked the O’s to drill him for Yandy hitting the ball hard.

Ranger Suarez – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.40. Pulled quickly from this game because managers are trying to give Nolan Ryan a heart attack. Let the poor man live in peace!

Jarren Duran – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (5) and legs (10), hitting .189. I’m kinda fine with a Buy Low here too, because his price must be dirt cheap. Though, slightly less dirty after yesterday.

Nolan McLean – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.57 vs. Foster Griffin – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.02. This matchup was billed pregame as, “I know I’m going to just coast to a solid 2-1 win from one of these guys so I’m just gonna start them both!” This matchup was not billed as that after the start. No one should talk about its pregame billing ever again. Stop reminding me of that stupid pregame billing!

Brady House – Optioned to the minors. Okay, this is even crazier than Jordan Romano going from closer to being DFA’d. House was the Nats’ three-hole hitter! Where you put your best hitter! How do you option that guy down? While you have Joey Weimer, Jose Tena, Curtis Mead, and Jorbit Vivas on your roster?! Jorbit Vivas sounds like a faith healer in Peru! Who the hell is Jorbit Vivas?! Am I going to hell now that I said who the hell is Jorbit Vivas?! What in the Machu Pachu is going on with the Nats?!

James Wood – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer. This was an inside-the-park grand slam (off McLean, grumble) because the Mets employed a new defense they’re working on where the ball bounces away from them and no one fields it. I bet their new outfield coach, Oneil Cruz, is so proud.

Jose Tena – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, as he takes over the three-hole. Give him a month and he’ll be in the minors.

Nick Morabito – 0-for-3, as he was called up by the Mets to replace Austin Slater. Morabito has big speed and seems like he can’t hit his way out of a paper bag, so I guess NL-Only for a chance he gets opps to steal. Looks like a defense replacement and pinch-runner, and maybe the occasional start vs. lefties, like yesterday. I love this aggressiveness from the Mets, but I also don’t get why they signed all those vet scrubs, scrubs who can’t get no love, to begin with.

A.J. Ewing – 0-for-1 as he didn’t start vs. a lefty. I’d like to go back in time and delete the word platoon from the English language. Even if we lose the great Oliver Stone movie. Sorry, we have to make sacrifices! Actually, I don’t want bunts either! Sac flies are okay.

Bo Bichette – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer, and three homers in two games. Bo knows hitting (in the last two games).

Juan Soto – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer. Went to look at the Player Rater to see how Soto is doing on the year, and I had the rudest possible interaction with reality. I did a ‘find’ for ‘Soto’ and Gregory Soto was the higher ranked Soto, and ranked just above Soto was Brady House. Don’t love that!

Zack Gelof – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. He’s a markedly better hitter this year. If you’re on sand and thinking Gelof is a mirage, it’s because his name’s got golf in it.

Brent Rooker – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. Getting goose pimples thinking about the glory of Bing Bong in the summer with these guys.

Mike Trout – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .235. T-minus 0. Cortisone his back — stat!

Bryce Miller – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.64. May all your pitchers come back looking as good as Bryce Miller. Do you hear that, Lodolo?!

Grant Taylor – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.78 and his 1st save, and hopefully 1st of many, many, many saves. Bless some of your early work, but please let us be done with Seranthony. I’d grab Grant Taylor in all leagues, and Bryan Hudson is even interesting. These guys are excellent, don’t fear them because they’re on the White Sox.

Chase Burns – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.83. Chase Burns, 2026 preseason sleeper.

Tony Santillan – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.21, and his 2nd save, as Ashcraft flails suddenly. GTA Guy, “Oh shizz, here we go again with Santillan.”

Trea Turner – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .236. Treat Urner burned Burns! Alliteration in lieu of wit.

Jesus Luzardo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.85. This might be the most normal start of his career. Not a 3 IP, 7 ER start nor a 7 IP, 0 ER one. Just, ya know, normal.

Spencer Torkelson – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Could be the boringest (totally a word!) 30-homer hitter every year.

Parker Messick – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.45. Didn’t have his best stuff, but gutted it out and that’s why I love you, I think that’s Anne Murray. A very cool, hip reference!

Travis Bazzana – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. He’s gonna take some crap from his friends back in Australia when his home run ball didn’t boomerang back at him.

Brandon Nimmo – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Nimmo found one!

Kumar Rocker – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.60, as he came in after an Opener. Kumar Rocker and Brayan Bello, clearly not morning people.

Jacob Misiorowski – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, one walk, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.89. This new IO Update is amazing! Every start is a near-no-hitter. He’s getting to the point where he could be the lede after every start. The cupboard is running low on superlatives.

Brice Turang – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. That ball was hit to dead center, about 450 feet straight up, and 230 feet away from the plate and it just drifted into the Wrigley basket. He even seemed to think he hit a pop-up.

Ben Brown – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.09. Looked better than the line through most of the start. Does your league have an appearances category, as in how one appears?

JJ Wetherholt – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .239. Been on the Struggle Bus in May. Prior to last night, he had one homer, one steal in May with a .182 average.

Nolan Gorman – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .238. Don’t pitch to him in the NoGo Zone!

Alec Burleson – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 7th homer. Also, in this game, Ivan Herrera (1-for-5, 3 RBIs) hit his 5th homer. Ivan’s 5th, Gorman’s 6th, Alec’s 7th and [OCD lighting up brain like the 4th of July] JJ’s 9th. Where’s someone’s 8th?!

Matthew Liberatore – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.70. I’m in for a two-start week and Streamonator hates his next one. Lowercase whee!

Xavier Edwards – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Mean’s while, Tatis has less homers than Dee Strange-Gordon Jr. has names!

Braxton Garrett – Walked eight in 4 1/3 IP, and the Marlins told him to walk his ass back to the minors. Snap! And there’s some speculation Thomas White is coming up, but the Marlins Triple-A team said it was a precautionary scratch of White. I did grab White just in case it’s not precautionary and it’s instead GLORY BE, HERE COMES THE TOP PITCHING PROSPECT.

Michael Harris II – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (9) and legs (3), hitting .291. I’d honestly love to hear the rationale behind hitting MHII in the six-hole and Mauricio Dubon (3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI) in the two-hole. I bet there’s zero reason. Negative reasons even!

Martin Perez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.85. Martin Perez is now striking out 10 hitters? Oh, hold up, I’m the one in the simulation, right?

Drake Baldwin – Hit the IL with a Grade 1 strained oblique, so that’s a month-ish timetable. Damn, first Drake drops three of the worst albums, now this. Braves’ number one catcher becomes Sandy Leon, which has no known treasure, with backup Chadwick Tromp, the Bleh Panther. Baldwin was on the top of the Player Rater, which makes this injury catastrophic for his owners. Do I not sound like something catastrophic has happened to me? Can you infer from that I didn’t have Baldwin? Infer away!

JR Ritchie – Optioned to the minors after his Monday drubbing, and the Braves saved me from that two-start week. Thank you, Ghost of Ted Turner, I owe you one. “More than one. And say hello to Jane Fonda for me.”