The bomb to right-center, his fourth homer of the year, wasn’t even the most impressive thing Shohei Ohtani (3-for-5, hitting .364) did yesterday. He beat out a single to short with a sprint speed of 29.5 ft/sec. That’s the 5th best Sprint Speed this year, just a bit better than Ronald Acuña Jr. Uh…*looks around for forty-five minutes, looks back*…Is anyone else seeing this? Can Acuña, serious question, also throw 101 MPH and have an under 2.00 ERA? Yo, is Shohei Ohtani really Roy Hobbs? ACKCHYUALLY If you had Roy Hobbs hit a 460-foot homer, beat out a grounder to short and pitch 101 MPH speedballs, you’d be like, “I appreciate the love story, and the friendship he built with the cross-eyed bat boy that he saved from a burning supermarket, but the baseball stuff isn’t believable in this movie.” Ohtani is not believable. That’s it. He’s one of the best baseball players ever, tools-wise. Truly not believable how good he is at each tool. Unfortch for fantasy, the Angels insistence on him pitching is hurting his overall fantasy value. Sorry, I’m not being a giant idiot. I mean, I might be a giant idiot, but not in this case. You miss a game or two each week as a hitter, and your stats are going to suffer. Hopefully, he has three months’ worth of Rich Hill blisters and can’t pitch all year. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Max Stassi – Hit the IL. Worst setback for the Stassi since the Wall fell.
Dylan Bundy – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.32 vs. Danny Duffy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 0.75. If you had only Bundy and Duffy pitch yesterday for your fantasy teams, you are truly hashtag blessed. For what it’s Wuertz, Streamonator likes Duffy’s next start just a tad.
Jesus Luzardo – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 8.31. Jesus indeed. Are his middle initials FC? Because I kept screaming JFC yesterday. Let me see if I have this straight, I finally get Luzardo on my teams and he does this? Yeah, that’s a solid summary. Now, I will lower myself into an open manhole and live amongst talking ninja turtles for the remainder of my life. So, his command is atrocious, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the A’s generate a phantom injury for him. This he can fix. He’s not this bad, but depending on your league, I’m not waiting around. If the league is deeper than 12 team mixed, then you can hold. Shallower leagues might need to move on, depending on options.
Stephen Piscotty – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Hey, it’s Piscotty, what do you know? Piscotty doesn’t know! Piscotty doesn’t know!
Jed Lowrie – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .341. Hot schmotato alert!
Seth Brown – 1-for-5 and his 2nd homer. How now Brown wow! He has big-time power, and might hit .220 or lower. I’m cyclops’ing, so I guess I have one big Brown eye.
Ramon Laureano – 1-for-5, 1 run and his 8th steal. You can call him, Ramon Rickey Laurenderson.
Zac Gallen – 4 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, as he was activated from the IL. Was a better first start than I expected, and very encouraging, since I drafted him before he injured himself imitating Ohtani — Ohtanimitating? The only thing that seems left for Gallen is now to get stretched out enough to throw 20 pitches per game (he threw 80 pitches yesterday). I was pretty down on his outlook after the hairline fracture, but I’d be more than happy to be wrong.
Kevin Ginkel – 2/3 IP, 1 ER in the 7th inning, ERA at 3.60. Can I go out on a pretty sturdy limb and say the Dbags don’t have a closer? Since I’m out on a limb, I’ll also say Yoan Lopez (1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 1.80) is the next guy to get a shot. Strike that! First guy to get a shot.
Akil Baddoo – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer in eight games. Big Bad Baddoo Daddy is the first Tigers player to ever have four homers in his first eight games, and he’s still hitting 8th. How can you not love Akil Baddoo? I’ll answer for you. After a 14-year marriage blew up when you answered sincerely the one question you should never answer: How do I look in these pants? And now you’ve forgotten how to love, and you don’t know how to love Akil Baddoo.
Wilson Ramos – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer. Was gonna reiterate on the reiterately tip how Ramos is leading all my teams in homers, but he’s actually leading the majors. Yeah, it’s still early.
Renato Nunez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and, 2nd time I’ve mentioned him in two days, and 2nd time I’ve said you should pick him up for power. Don’t make me come back here!
Matthew Boyd – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.86, and still has yet to give up a home run. As Flavor Flav named his fantasy team, “Yeah, Boyd!”
Jake Odorizzi – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER in his 1st start. Way to scramble those eggs, Odorizzi.
Ozzie Albies – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, as he was moved down to the five hole, hitting .163. The good news is he homered. The bad news is Snitker’s gonna think he can only hit from the five hole and he’ll never move back.
Marcell Ozuna – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. OZUNA breaks out of early-season funk. OZUNA hate funk. OZUNA like Jazz. *waves like Forrest Gump* “Hey, Chisholm.”
Cristian Pache – Hit the IL with a groin strain. Funny how these things work, his front, er, area gives Ender Inciarte an opportunity.
Max Fried – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 11.45. Haha, I told you to avoid Max Fried! What a bunch of giant dum–*intern whispers in ear*– Pablo Lopez went 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.60. In the same game? Prolly best I don’t gloat too much then. Oh, and Fried is headed for an MRI on his hamstring, which happened, of course, when he was doing non-pitching stuff.
Adam Duvall – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 7 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer, and 2nd and 3rd homer in as many games. Damn, did a premature rosterbation and dropped a hot schmotato. That stings the ol’ big Brown eye. That I’m using to watch Seth Brown still. Take it easy, Content Police. Yes, of course, you should pick up Duvall, he’s the hottest schmotato in Hot Schmotato Land!
Brian Anderson – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .229. Don’t sleep on Anderson. Not simply because he looks like he’d be lumpy.
Rowdy Tellez – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Can you read his last name without busting into Billy Joel’s Tell Her About It? Then you’re a better person than me.
Marcus Semien – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Each time Semien does something I feel like Stan Gable seeing someone licking whipped cream in Revenge of the Nerds. That’s my George Springer pie! By the way, that movie is 37 years ago. Haha, we so old!
Julian Merryweather – Exited the game after a third of an inning with left hip irritation. You know the dance move, the Pepper Mill? Well, I’m doing a similar dance move, but it’s miming a waiter putting grated cheese on pasta at a table. I call it The Romano. No idea how long Merryweather will be out, but I’d grab Romano in all leagues.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.89. Don’t worry, as soon as the season’s over everyone will forget how good Ryu is again, and we’ll go back to him being underrated. A tradition like none other. “Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-BUT he has bad matchups!” Yeah, sure. “His park is bad!” Right, right. “He was only good because of Dodger Stadium!” You got it, man. Nailing it! “He’s old!” Okay, if you say so. “He can’t keep this up!” You got it, homey. “He doesn’t get strikeouts!” Whatever you say.
Teoscar Hernandez – Tested positive for Covid-19. Has symptoms, but is feeling better, so he’s likely out for the rest of the week. Member those glass booths they had in game shows to isolate the contestant from the answers? Can MLB players sleep in those?
Jameson Taillon – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 7.56. Just gotta appreciate how he’s out there battling. He could easily take his ball and go home.
Shane Bieber – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.11 vs. Lucas Giolito – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.55. Okay, but what fun is it if you have aces? You don’t get on a rollercoaster for the part where the shoulder harness comes down.
Luis Urias – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. This blurb is like when you put a marker down and pick up your golf ball. I’m not saying anything yet, but I’m just making note that Urias did something. A cyclops marker.
Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Anyone want to bet Renfroe now hits four homers in the next eight games? If you want the under, you’ve never followed Renfroe’s career.
Rafael Devers – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer. A stack of tied together newspapers drops down on the sidewalk. A 13-year-old newsie cuts the twine, picks up the first paper and screams, “Devers delivers! Devers delivers! Read it here first!”
Blake Snell – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.35. Unable to get out of the 1st vs. the Pirates. Raise the Jolly Roger and the L’s in Blake Snell’s name, he has to feature them more prominently after that. Hold your breath and count to ten. Sorry, I’m helping BLake SneLL with these freakin’ hiccups! Somewhere, Kevin Cash is like, “Hey, I thought Blake Snell wanted to go deeper into games.”
Trent Grisham – 1-for-4, 3 runs and his 3rd homer in his 3rd game. On pace for 155 homers, give or take one.
Ke’Bryan Hayes – Has yet to resume swinging a bat. His resume’s Special Skills section must be lacking. Can he juggle?
Bryan Reynolds – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI as he hits 3rd for the hard-hitting Pirates. You know what was awesome? Pirates scored a bunch of runs, and the only Pirates hitter I have anywhere is Colin Moran, and he didn’t even start. Holy sit!
Luis Castillo – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 7.04 vs. Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 5 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.20. What a fantastic matchup of two of my most owned pitchers. Someone hold me.
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Moistasskiss!
Mike Yastrzemski – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Mikeyass-skis!
Evan Longoria – 2-for-4, 2 runs, and his 4th homer. He has more homers than all my number one picks combined. Haha, I’m losing my mind.
Ryan Yarbrough – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.48. Unlike the Fried or Snell or Pab-Lo starts, I don’t have enough faith in Yarbrough if he’s throwing junkers vs. the Rangers.
Charlie Culberson – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (1). Congrats to the .0001% who have Culberson on a team! You could’ve used that final wish on winning the lottery, but you chose Culberson.
Ryan McMahon – 0-for-4. Also, Garrett Hampson (2-for-4) and Charlie Blackmon (0-for-2). In road games, all the last names of Rockies players ending in -on should be changed to -off.
Mookie Betts – 1-for-5 and his 2nd homer. Mookie Best!
Chris Taylor – 2-for-5 and his 2nd homer. The Dodgers have so many weapons. I mean, so many, and they manage (or Dave Roberts, specifically) to bat Chris Taylor third.
Trevor Bauer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.70. He didn’t get himself in any sticky situations in this game. Dot dot dot. Or did he?
Taijuan Walker – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.61. TJ looked good early, then faded fast, but all pretty encouraging. My biggest fears with Walker: Lack of Ks and wonky command, has only been half true so far, and if it’s gonna be half true, the Ks half being the better half to, uh have.
Marcus Stroman – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.75. Don’t want to be greedy, but can we please get a few more Ks? Thanking you in advance!
Stephen Strasburg – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 6.30. Cougs and I were watching this game last night and she was like, “Hey, Strasburg, that’s the guy Anime Grey said to sell!” You’re damn right, Cougs.
Kwang-Hyun Kim – Will rejoin the Cards’ rotation on Saturday. This moves Daniel Ponce De Leon to the pen. Goodbye, fountain of yuck!
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Au Shizz!
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Don’t worry about it, you don’t have to remember the serial number to cash your Bitcoin. You just write it down on a piece of paper. I have mine right by that open window–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!!!
John Means – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.16. If that’s the worst start we get from Means, sign me up for more shares. Nah’Means?
Justus Sheffield – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.91. He was only at 77 pitches, they should’ve just let him finish the game. Three more innings? Haha, no this was one of those seven-inning beauts, and I will never stop thinking it’s weird. Streamonator liked this start, doesn’t like his next. It’s as simple as looking at numbers.
Jose Marmolejos – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. *holds envelope to head* “Marmoleo Marmolejos…” *rips open envelope and reads* “What is The Gipsy Kings lead singer’s fantasy team name?”
Rafael Montero – 1 IP, 1 ER and the blown save. He comes in the 7th inning, and I’m like, “A change gon’ Graveman!” Then I realize it’s a 7-inning doubleheader, and I suggest the box scores are in a different color font to remind me it’s a 7-inning game. Any hoo! Montero blew the save anyway, and Kendall Graveman closed out the 8th inning like it was the 9th inning, and this isn’t confusing at all. My guess is Graveman is the closer, but Montero is still there, and I wouldn’t lose him yet.
Ty France – 1-for-7, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .293. Yeah, well, I call him Ty Freedom. Also, he was in the 1st Buy column, and I like him.
Tom Murphy – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Home runs are the oxygen that Tom Murphy breathes!
James Paxton – Will have season-ending surgery. Yeah, that’s what happens when you go to pitch and your elbow says, “I’m a frayed.”
