Didja know Ronny Mauricio‘s full name was Ronny Bobby Ricky And Mauricio? If you know, you know, which is pretty self-explanatory. Hey, Biggie, if you don’t know, you don’t know. Biggie Smalls, Mr. Exposition! If Notorious B.I.G. lived, I’m sure he would’ve had an incredibly long and illustrious career, but also, I don’t know, I’m spitballing here, but, would, ya know, he also have turned out awful? No, no, not at all like Craig Mack or Shine or Mase or Faith Evans. No! He would’ve been the one good rapper discovered by P. Diddy that had long-lasting appeal. Any hoo! How’d I even get on that? Any hoo, Part 2: More Hoo! Ronny Mauricio was called up to. Dot dot dot. I guess play some 3rd, some OF and maybe some 2nd? And McNeil moves to the glue factory? To the farm upstate driven there by Starling Marte? Luisangel Acuña, Brett Baty or Marte never play? I have serious questions about Ronny’s playing time, but he was a 23/24/.292 hitter in 116 games at Triple-A his last full year, and looks like he’s hit the ground running this year too: 3/6/.323 in 19 minor league games. His playing time question mark worries me but: He could be a grab everywhere, so grab him to see what the playing time looks like? That works for me. And now you know you know. By the way, the inevitable Jersey Mike’s sponsorship with Ronny will be the Mets’ biggest chain restaurant marketing partnership since Sbarro’s promoted their pepperoni pizzas on Mike Piazza’s back. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mark Vientos – Hit the IL with “Can he more boring to roster in fantasy? Actually, don’t answer that, I’ve already forgotten the question.” His timetable is unclear.
Juan Soto – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, 3rd homer in four games. As I kinda alluded to the other day, Sexy Dr. Pepper’s gonna get to the Break and appear exactly as he always is, maybe a little lower on average, because he’s behind the eight ball there. Someone get him in front of that stupid eight ball!
Tylor Megill – 6 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.77. You go into Dodger Stadium and come out that unscathed? Partially scathed? A little scathed off the sides and top? That’s not bad.
Max Muncy – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer, 2nd and 3rd homer in three games, 4th and 5th homer in four games, and nine homers in, well, you know. He’s a hot schmotato clearly. Speaking of clearly, he’s supposedly become Ted Williams now that he has glasses. It took him 12 years to realize he needed glasses? How is that possible?
Jose Urena – Signed with the Dodgers. In related news, the Dodgers spent three-point-three billion to need Jose Urena.
Tanner Bibee – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.89. Promise you if you started him, he would’ve gave up 5 ER in 2 IP. I can promise you that.
Carlos Rodon – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.49. He’s been sneaky dynamite. Rodonamite. Are people aware of how good he’s been? Rhetorical, because I trust you.
Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 8th homer as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “When Susan said ‘Four,’ in the elevator, I thought she meant choose four floors and push them all. I wasn’t trying to make her late.”
Anthony Volpe – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer. I actually have him in one league, my RCL, and — sonavabench! — and I benched him because he’s so gee-dee boring. I should specify. He’s boring for as exciting as I think he can be.
Devin Williams – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 6.35, and squeaked out the save. He’s the closer until he loses the job, and he seems like he really wants to lose the job. Not sure what’s up with him, but rostering Fernando Cruz may not be a bad idea.
Bowden Francis – 1 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.84. I picked him up for that start. I dropped him a few weeks ago because he sucked, then went out of my way to add him back for that. I hate him so much.
Addison Barger – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. He’s reaching levels of schmotatoness not seen since Kyren Paris.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 9th homer. Beginning to think next year will be the year that I finally don’t put Harper in my top 20. He’s moved into the solid, but unspectacular realm. One of the more boring realms the Starks lorded over.
Cristopher Sanchez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.15. His xFIP is 3.13. Almost a “jinx, you owe me a soda.”
Trea Turner – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer. Treat Urner letting out his inner dog. Speaking of dogs, my dog Ted turns 14 today. Literally Old Yeller.
Corbin Burnes – Hit the IL with elbow inflammation. First announced by him, leaving the mound.
Ketel Marte – 3-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homer, hitting .294. I want to apologize to Ketel for things said about him by 2024 Grey. He was a dumb man! An idiot, even!
Corbin Carroll – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 17th and 18th homer. Corbin Carroll is on pace for 50 homers. Zoinks!
Zac Gallen – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.13. When a guy falls out of favor with me like Gallen did, he has to earn his way back. Keep earning!
Drake Baldwin – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. How bad is the Braves season? Their lone highlight is Drake Baldwin’s six-homer season. Okay, he’s hitting .300+, but still.
Marcell Ozuna – 0-for-4, 1 run as he was lowered to the five hole, after the Braves said he was playing with a tear in his hip. A tear under his eye and he could Crip walk.
Spencer Strider – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.68. Ya know what’s gonna be sweet? Drafting Strider and Alcantara everywhere next year for cheap.
Bobby Witt Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer. He can be having a quiet season and still a top 25 season. That’s the sign of a true, top fantasy talent.
Jac Caglianone – 0-for-5 as he was called up. He hit 6th and should be rostered in every league. Here’s my Jac Caglianone fantasy.
Alec Burleson – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. One of my bigger mistakes was drafting this schmohawk in multiple leagues. He’s basically unrosterable in weekly leagues. They platoon him every other game and now he’s hitting 7th. Boy, he sucks. Not as bad as Nolan Gorman (2-for-4, 2 RBIs who hit his 2nd homer) but close.
Cade Horton – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.21. Found out yesterday in the comments there’s 72 Cades in the majors. Like virgins set aside for Muslim martyrs. So many Cades!
Pete Crow-Armstrong – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 20th and 21st steal. He became the 4th fastest in MLB history to have a 15/20 season. Top four are as sexy as all get-out: Eric Davis, Ken Williams, Bobby Bonds then him. Eric Davis feels like a pretty good comp here too. Just supremely talented.
Michael Busch – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert!
Brandon Woodruff – Took a comebacker off his elbow in his final rehab start. X-rays were negative, and, well, let’s see if it really was his final rehab start now. I don’t want him anywhere near my teams, for what it’s Wuertz.
Sal Frelick – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting near-.400 in the last week, around a top 30 OF on the 30-day Player Rater, and knows the answer to the Tootsie Roll owl’s questions.
Freddy Peralta – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.92 vs. Hunter Greene – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.72. This matchup was billed as, “Freddy/Hunter, There’s No More Nightmare On My Street.” Ugh, seeing Greene was pulled early due to his groin. Makes me want to do the opposite.
Tyler Stephenson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, 2nd homer in a week, and near the top of catcher pickups for this week, which I know because I’m getting the Buy column in order for today’s Patreon.
Tyler Mahle – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.02. His statline was 5 IP, 1 ER, then I refreshed the box score, and it tacked on three more runs. So, I hit the “back” button on my browser, that’s the only kind of Mahle regression I want to see.
Evan Carter – 0-for-1 as he was activated from the IL, and pulled from the game as soon as a lefty came in. “He’s been useless for two years.” That’s me answering someone who asks, “Am I picking up Evan Carter?”
Kameron Misner – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. Don’t make the Rays look smart for demoting Simpson. Don’t do that!
Drew Rasmussen – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.14. Think some of youse focus on the wrong things. If Rasmussen has a nothing ERA, just let him go until he’s either not good or shut down. Everything doesn’t need to be “Getting out in front of a guy before his inevitable shut down or collapse.”
Junior Caminero – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 14th homer, 3rd homer in three games, 4th homer un five games, 5th homer in six games, 45th homer in a month. Junior is making daddy happy.
Colton Cowser – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer as he was activated from the IL and played for the first time since March. Yes, he can still be solid. Yes, you should pick him up.
Tomoyuki Sugano – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.04. He’s making an excellent case for why chasing Ks doesn’t matter as much as command. He has a 5.1 K/9, which is downright mid-1980’s level strikeouts, like he’s Tommy John, the pitcher, not the surgery. In 1984, John had a 2.3 K/9. That is legit hilarious.
George Kirby – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 8.56, and left after taking a comebacker off his hand-ish, face-kinda? He seemed fine, walking off the mound. What’s the bigger shame is he’ll struggle through this year, then say he’s fine next March, until he needs arm surgery halfway through Spring Training, and everyone will be like, “Oh my God, all pitchers’ arms are falling off,” when, no, pitchers are injured in March, who were already hurt the previous year.
Rowdy Tellez – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .207. How on the earth that is shaped like Tellez does he have nine homers?
Jordan Hicks – Hit the IL with “hasn’t been good all year.” Timetable unclear.
Landen Roupp – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.18. Pick up or hold Roupp is the answer to 80% of the comments.
Heliot Ramos – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .293. That’s preseason sleeper, Heliot Ramos!
Camilo Doval – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 1.67, and the blown save. Waited to give up his first runs in a month until he was named closer. Very smart!
Ryan Bergert – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.00. Next week’s trivia questions, “Who was Ryan Bergert? Did we ever find out before he was sent back down?” Answers will be, “I still don’t really know. Some guy who was terrible in Double-A last year, I think.”
Pablo Lopez – Pulled himself from the game with shoulder tightness. That’s basically a white flag being waved that reads, “Call Dr. James Andrews.”
Willi Castro – 2-for-4 and his 5th and 6th homer. How goofy is Bing Bong Stadium? Willi Castro doing multiple bing bongs.
Trevor Larnach – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 9th homer, 2nd homer in five games and he has back-to-back four-homer months. So. Dot dot dot. He has three more homers in his bat for June.
Sawyer Gipson-Long – Will start today. So, let’s see what that means! (I sound so excited.) He’s shown impeccable command in the minors; this year’s BB/9 is 1.1 and that’s a monocle’s worth of info for me! If he can translate that to majors and hold an 8.5 K/9, it would be hard to not be somewhat useful. Prolly mostly for 15-teamers, but could be 12-team and shallower worthwhile.
Shane Smith – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at…Guess. Go ahead. What could it be? 4? 3.75? 3.35? Bzzt wrongo! It’s 2.45. Pretty sure if all your pitchers were pitching that well, you’d be doing a-okay.
Yusei Kikuchi – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 hits, 5 BBs, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.23. What’s happening now with Kikuchi is why I was worried about him coming into this year. He lost his command four starts ago, and because the Angels have no actual coaches, he can’t fix the issue.
Brayan Bello – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.91. Streamonator is fairly neutral on his next start, and I guess it’s fine, but I’ve fallen out of love with Bello.
Ceddanne Rafaela – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Because I was looking at the Player Rater for Volpe above, I glanced at Rafaela. He’s a schmotato right now, but he’s been miserable to roster.
Lance McCullers Jr. – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.44. McCullers, Cullers, Cullers, Cullers! I told you to pick him up after his last start because “what harm could it do.” No harm yet!
Christian Walker – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. He needs a 10-homer June for me to get excited, but I want to get excited.
Isaac Paredes – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .252. The Merman was right once again! I do love a Paredes!
Paul Skenes – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.05. Wonder if it pisses him off at all to be lapped by Skubal as the best pitcher in baseball. Being serious. These guys follow that shizz and are competitive.
Hunter Goodman – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer in two games. Break up the Rockies!
Sandy Alcantara – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 7.89. This start was vs. the Suckies so I put Sandy’s statline into my “Vs. Suckies Generator” and he actually went 2 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Don’t argue with math.
Max Meyer – Hit the IL with “do you need us to make up an injury or can we have the dignity of just IL’ing him because he sucks?” Unclear of the timetable for return. Eury Perez is returning for the next road trip, so there’s that. In fact, let’s take it to a new blurb.
Eury Perez – Will be returning shortly and if he happens to be on waivers in your league, now is the time to act. Why are you stuffing your mouth with cotton balls? You’re not Marlon Brando in The Godfather, and that’s not what I meant by “time to act.” Eury Perez has a 3.15 ERA and 10.6 K/9 in 91 1/3 IP in the majors, i.e., he could be a number two as soon as he steps back on the mound. If you’re curious, he has a 11.3 K/9 and 1.96 ERA in the minors during his rehab. Yeah, he could be special. This is your call to action. Stop imitating Brando, you dummy!
