Shohei Ohtani (2-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 32nd homer, passing Hideki Matsui as the top Japanese-born home run hitter in a season, and it’s not even the All-Star Break! Such a cheat code, and I’m such a giant dummy to not have him on any team. Boy, I Mr. Bungled this one so bad it’s hard for me to see through my tears of anguish. The absolute ball dropping I did by not grabbing him. Or Jared Walsh (2-for-4, 3 RBIs) who hit his 21st and 22nd homer! I wrote a gee-dee sleeper post for him! Yet, all my fantasy teams are like a milk carton with that missing Walsh kid. This is brutally difficult for me. I should’ve known better for Ohtani, and I did know better for Walsh! Someone shoot me into the sky, where I can do something for humanity by flipping off Bezos’s orbiting rocket ship, and away from the misery of watching Ohtani and Walsh carry fantasy teams to the proverbial promised land. I was promised that land! I have my deed right here…*searches pockets for deed, pull back to reveal I’m wearing pants with millions of pockets* This is my nightmare! We’re in it! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
PSYCHE! Before we get into today’s roundup, just wanted to announce I’ve released the top 100 for the 2nd half already on our Patreon. If you so desire, click it to put duckets in Grey’s pockets! They said they’d pay me in Dogecoin, that’s good, right? Anyway II, the roundup:
Vidal Brujan – 1-for-6, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 1st steal, and optioned down. WUT?! Oh, he’s expected to be recalled before Friday’s game, as it’s just a procedural move like something they’d do on Law & Order. Watched him yesterday and saw what all the Bruj-haha was all about. Oh man, he’s so sexy. That speed! *drools* More please.
Kevin Kiermaier – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 2nd homer. My bologna has a first name, it’s K-I-E-R, my bologna has a 2nd name, it’s M-A-I-E-R.
Brandon Lowe – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer. Realizing now that he might leadoff vs. righties and eighth vs. lefties. Grey with the Lowe-down.
Eddie Rosario – Hit the IL with an abdominal strain. Call him the Abdominal Woe-is-me-Man.
Franmil Reyes – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer. How much do I love the $54 Vending Machine Steak? Give him position eligibility, and I might make him a top 25 overall guy. The difference between him and Freddie Freeman is that great? Puh-lease.
Jacob Stallings – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. About as well-named as anyone. Maybe if he was called Jacob Yawnings, it might be better, but Stallings is pretty apt.
Drew Smyly – 5 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.48. He’s allowed 16 homers. The ol’ 30+ home runs allowed pace isn’t, how do they say, good. Drew Frownly? Yeah.
Jonathan Lucroy – 1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI as he was called up to replace William Contreras. So, who is Lucroy? A new prospect? Where is Itch? I need to know more about this Lucroy guy! *sounding it out* La…croix…Sounds young and fresh like bubbly seltzer!
Ronald Acuña Jr. – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 24th homer. Tildaddy tells you he’s done watching JAG reruns.
Juan Soto – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, and his 2nd home run in two games. OH MY GOD SEXY DR. PEPPER IS BACK! Announced early yesterday that he would take part in the Home Run Derby, and I was thinking after the announcement, Juan Soto is going to be the first person ever in the Home Run Derby to GIDP. Now? Don’t participate! You’re out of your funk! Leave the exhibitions to those other players! Please!
Chris Paddack – 2 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 5.40. Let me set the stage, there’s a dumpster, and it’s filled with gasoline, then the world’s biggest match is struck and dropped into the dumpster. The explosive sound it makes is, “PADDACK.”
Jacob deGrom – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.08. Pretty solid 1st half (for a pitching God).
Willy Adames – 1-for-8 and his 14th homer. I keep saying how much I like Adames, but when I check people’s rosters, they don’t have him. HYCYBH? Here’s possibly the greatest lyricist ever:
— Tom Cardy (@Tomycardy) July 3, 2021
Jace Peterson – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 4th homer. Not sure what Jace’s playing time is once Rowdy Tellez joins the Brewers — where in The He’Brewer anyway? Oh, there he is! Can’t believe I missed him! — but Peterson has been a hot schmotato this week.
Corbin Burnes – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.36. Still looks mostly unhittable, but definitely is not the same pitcher he was before the wacky tacky crackydown. His cutter looks great, awesome, adjective but not otherworldly as it was. His 4-seamer is, well, hittable now, down a bunch of RPMs.
Jesus Sanchez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. In NL-Only leagues, everyone is playable, but if it hasn’t been clear from the comments, I’ve kinda moved on from Jesus. A heathen, I am! Yoda, I talk like! If Sanchez gets hot though, I’d quickly K-turn back into grabbing him.
Jesus Aguilar – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer. I’m gonna start calling every Marlins player Jesus. *sees a fish decal on a bumper* Jesus Bass! *sees people running down the street screaming* Jesus Panik! *sees the bottom of a whiskey bottle* Jesus Bender!
Garrett Cooper – 3-for-3, and his 8th and 9th homer, and his 2nd and 3rd homer in the last five games. Cooper? Super duper? P to the erhaps. Most likely, hot schmotato.
Clayton Kershaw – Hit the IL with forearm inflammation. Welp, the once-mighty Dodgers’ rotation is now down to three starters, and none are capable of throwing a full season. Hey, unlike everyone else, they can always warmly remember 2020.
Mookie Betts – 1-for-5 and his 11th homer, hitting .246. Mookie Best! Which is a home run call this year that sounds sarcastic.
Justin Turner – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. He’s hitting near-.330 in two plus months of the season. Unfortunately, he’s hitting .213 in the other.
A.J. Pollock – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer. How many Pollocks does it take to hit a home run? One to hit it, and five million to rotate the stadium to ‘run’ the bases.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.56. Feel like now I’m looking for reasons to not be excited for Ryu, but this was vs. the O’s, and, the Jays had a huge early lead, and, well, he went five innings and away.
Joakim Soria – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.24, and his 2nd save, as Soria firmly takes over the closer role in Arizona. Since he has two saves, and if you have Soria in a dynasty league, and he holds the job for ten years, then, after a decade, he’ll have roughly twenty saves. An investment, for your future!
Eduardo Escobar – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .255. Here’s a question for you: Eduardo Escobar or Eugenio–Oh, please! Of course Escobar! It’s not a question at all! Don’t be silly! Sorry, it was my hypothetical to begin with, but how could you even entertain it?
Elias Diaz – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer. Elias Sports Bureau said, “That’s our boy!” Diaz has five homers in the last five weeks, and hitting for a decent average. Yes, ‘decent’ means I didn’t do the math, but he’s hitting around .350 this month.
Chad Green – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.23, as he recorded the Yankees’ save. Aroldis was used the night before. Dot dot dot. In an 11-run game! Chapman may get saves again at some point, but this is Green’s job for now.
Aaron Judge – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer, hitting .288. Surprised Judge won’t be taking part in the Home Run Derby. Guess he doesn’t want to get hurt or ruin his mechanics for an exhibition. Call it off, Soto! Please!
Jake Arrieta – Hit the Ineffective List. There’s a cure, but it’s gonna take a time machine.
Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, and 2nd in as many games, hitting .233. Honestly, received more pushback on saying McCutchen is not having a great year, then possibly anything else I’ve said all year, and I told people to sell Ohtani one week into the season! *dodges thrown tomato* I deserved that. Any hoo! Mea culpa on McCutchen, he’s been fine. I think I was more just bitter about Juan Soto. Now I’m walking on sunshine, Katrina.
Luis Garcia – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.06. I was thinking, “Luis Garcia must have an ERA in the twos at home,” then I saw his ERA was 3.06 everywhere, so quite the stretch there, you ding dong!
Jose Altuve – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .286. I’d actually like to see Jose Altuve in the Home Run Derby. Imagine him trying to hit a home run after home run on 75 MPH fastballs? Would be like some kind of Geneva Conventions violation.
Matt Olson – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 21st homer. “The Mecca’ing of Allahson,” my book title that caused a fatwa on my head.
Joey Gallo – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 22nd and 23rd homer. *Kyle Schwarber in the clouds, smiling down on Joey Gallo, Schwarber starts coughing and we realize the clouds are a barista blowing a vape cloud*
Kyle Gibson – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.29. To the left of the mound, the Rangers’ front office had a desk and chair set up with a secretary taking phone calls during the game, fielding trade offers. At one point, Gibson had to play a grounder around the desk, pretty nifty play.
Niko Goodrum – 0-for-1 as he was activated from the IL. Goodrum is back just in time for Rupert Holmes-on-the-radio season.
Heath Hembree – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.14, and his 4th save. Not saying ERA is everything, but you’d think David Bell would see the guys he puts up as the closer always have the worst ERAs in the box score, and maybe, I don’t know, switch it up?
Brady Singer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.52. He’s one of the few starters who I think is easily available and should be better, per his peripherals, but I also know no one is actually going to pick him up.
Michael Pineda – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.11 as he was activated from the IL. After a month, his elbow inflammation is all better and won’t ever cause him problems again, said no one who’s ever watched baseball.
Trevor Larnach – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer. Is it me or does it feel like Larnach and Kirilloff homer once a week and feel like they should have more homers, but only have seven? *counting number of weeks they’ve been in the majors* Oh, yeah, seven homers and homering once a week makes sense.
Eloy Jimenez – Could begin a rehab assignment this week. If he’s out there in your league, start stashing, snitches!
Tim Anderson – 4-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .307. The most amazing part of his line is the one RBI. No offense to the guys in front of him: Billy Hamilton (2-for-4, 1 run) and Seby Zavala (0-for-3). Literally, no offense.