Yesterday, Brian Dozier went 3-for-4, 4 RBIs with two homers (11, 12). Dozier’s quietly had a great June (7 HRs, near-.350), after having a miserable May (2 HRs, .215) and an atrocious April (3 HRs, .191). Who knows what July holds? Which sounds like the title for a piece of art done by Daniel Johnston. Let’s see, Daniel Johnston describing Dozier. “June is Fun! Fun! Fun! If I ever thought I could be happy, it was from Dozier. Fun! Fun! Fun! Oh! That rock and roll! It saves my soul! Owning Dozier in June, it must’ve been a happy time, Kool Aid flowing like wine, the bubble gum, forever-ever-ever-ever-ever-ever after! Now I will get on a random bus in Austin and ride to New Mexico.” Oh, Daniel Johnston, you were taken from us way too soon. *sees he’s still alive* Okay, moving on. So, Dozier has turned his season around and is close to the same pace as his previous season stats (28 HRs, 12 SBs). Moreover, Dozier has cut his Ks by a lot, so he could hit for a better average this year (.250 vs. .235). Daniel Johnston might be onto something. About fun, fun fun not about getting on random buses. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Kyle Gibson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.12. It had been two months since his last Quality Start, so he was due. Gibson didn’t need to limp to the mound every half inning and pump his fist. That was overkill.
Eduardo Nunez – 1-for-4 and his 18th steal, hitting .311. Nunez seems like the type of guy that will disappoint in impressively awful ways next year. “Yeah, you go ahead and draft your Piscotty, I’m taking Nunez ten rounds later! Now high five me, mom!”
Brett Lawrie – 2-for-4 and two steals (5, 6). I just randomly grabbed Lawrie last week for a batty call, but he’s hitting near-.400 in that time with three homers and I can’t drop him even if I wanted to, and I do.
Jose Quintana – 7 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. In the last month of starts, his ERA has gone from 1.98 to 3.18. Feels like he’s inside the house, the Regression Fairies are at the door, Quintana has the lights off and has his hand over his poodle’s mouth so it doesn’t bark. They know you’re there, doode.
Jon Jay – Hit the DL with a broken forearm. He broke his forearm on June 19th, and was diagnosed with a broken forearm on June 28th. Sounds like the Padres’ doctors are as good at their job as the Padres’ players.
Erik Johnson – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA on the Padres at 9.15. Perhaps he wants to be united with the guy who was traded for him, James Shields, in the Nippon Baseball League.
Melvin Upton Jr. – 1-for-4 and a slam (12) and legs (18). It’s official (not official), you drafted the wrong Upton.
Wil Myers – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (18) and legs (11), hitting .284. And you drafted the wrong Myers! Though, honestly, how did you not know Brett Myers retired?
Adam Jones – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 16th homer. He is hitting from the leadoff slot. I mean, hitting well. But you can move him to somewhere in the order and he might knock in some runs.
Hyun-Soo Kim – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .347. Like, I don’t know, Showalter, Kim could hit leadoff, just maybe.
Chris Davis – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .247. He hits four homers between now and the ASB and you’re gonna be like, “Why was I disappointed with Chris Davis when he’s leading the league in homers?” Assuming he is leading the league in homers or you’re fine being wrong.
Alex Cobb – Nearing rehab assignment, which would put him on schedule for an early-August return. No pitcher has ever had a setback returning from major arm surgery, so I’m sure he’ll be fine. Damn, I forgot to use my sarcasm font.
Alex Colome – Hit the DL with biceps tendinitis, which is likely the reason he hadn’t appeared in a game in nine days. Would’ve been super awesome to hear something about that, I don’t know, eight days ago. In his place, Xavier Cedeno is the odds-on favorite, but, of course, because I’m a saves whore, I grabbed Erasmo, which has about a 110% chance of backfiring. Actually, I might drop Erasmo before I even finish this blurb. Gone? Yet? Okay, I’ll hold him for a day or two, but he’s got a gimp-sized leash.
Chris Archer – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.76. You ever ask your current girlfriend about sex with her past boyfriends? That’s about how excruciating it is watching Archer. Loses the strike zone, leaves meat middle in, reliever comes in and gives up a run, gets a fly ball that can help get him out of a jam and Oswaldo looks like he’s trying to find said fly ball in a sea of similarly striped balls. I mean, every conceivable way you can Mr. Bungle a game.
Brad Miller – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting near-.350 in the last week, and has four homers in the last eleven games. Hot schmotato alert!
Travis Shaw – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 8th homer. He was the benefactor of the aforementioned meat middle in — that’s what I thought I heard her say! — and he needed it too, because he was in such a rut. I was about to start calling him Trhertz Shaw, though the Trh sound trips me up a little.
Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.78. Stream-o-Nator liked this start like it enjoys long walks on a beach, but is pretty meh on his next start.
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 7th steal. For those of youse not hip to streaming SAGNOF, Rays’ catcher, Hank Conger, can’t reach 2nd base with a two man relay.
Khris Davis – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 19th homer, hitting .253. Yet, he continues to appear in multiple comments about dropping him. Yeah, no idea.
Kendall Graveman – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.84. I don’t know how this is not the case, if it’s not the case, but Graveman’s nickname should be The Undertaker.
Josh Reddick – 1-for-6 as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Reddick reminds me of a college trip to Cancun.”
Brandon Crawford – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and a homer short of the cycle. So, he had two wheels, frame, handlebars and no seat. Hey, it’s okay if you’re standing.
Denard Span – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. That’s one thing his compadre in alikeness does not share with him, Denard Dawg out homers Revere.
Santiago Casilla – 1 IP, 3 ER. Yesterday, Cory Gearrin (his setup man) gave up three runs and recorded no outs, and Ryan Madson gave up three runs of his own. Axford also gave up three runs. The only reliever who hasn’t given up three runs, Fernando Effin’ Rodney! That’s all season!
Joe Panik – Exhibiting concussion-like symptoms. The doctor said he yelled to Panik and Joe freaked out.
Tim Lincecum – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.75. If you climb to the top of his ERA, you can almost see Russia.
Carlos Correa – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer. Car-Cor! Hmm, that needs work. Carl-Corr! Nah. …los…rea! Just nope.
Carlos Beltran – Left with a tight hamstring, after pulling up lame heading into 2nd base. I saw that and immediately added Aaron Judge. Maybe that was just my monchichi doll that I have wearing a jersey that says, “Prospector Ralph,” whispering in my ear, but Judge has been absolutely killing the ball recently, and I’m stashing him now. Though, I will likely drop Judge again by tomorrow.
Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. Could it be that the whole time I keep saying Cruz hasn’t even gotten hot yet he’s actually been hot? *hands by head, making explosion sound*
Hisashi Iwakuma – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.34. Hisashi my dashi–No, you don’t get my slurping. You get a slurp when you get your ERA below four.
CC Sabathia – 7 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 3.17. The Regression Fairies don’t take no mess.
Cole Hamels – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.60. Hamels looked sharp last night. Of course, not this sharp.
Adrian Beltre – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .285. You know why I was just thinking about how Beltre was an also-ran 3rd baseman on the Dodgers for like four seasons? Because I’m old.
Ian Desmond – 3-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .326. I don’t believe in contract year hocus pocus. A player can’t just turn it on. But I’ll be damned if Desmond isn’t draped in the contract-year Shroud of Turin, making me a believer.
Corey Kluber – 8 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.50. This game was against the Braves, so if it wasn’t straight butter, I’d be like, “I can’t believe it’s not butter,” and then Cougs would say something about my cholesterol and I’d be like, “I’m talking about Kluber, mom! I mean, wife.”
Jose Ramirez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th and 10th steal, hitting .292. Is Rajai wearing Ramirez’s jersey? I only ask because Rajai has gone amongst the missing. Yo, Rajai, hit up a brother!
Matthew Wisler – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.14. He’s doing better than Chris Archet–Damn, I almost typed that previous sentence with my tears. Close!
Jace Peterson – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Jace has been hitting well recently (near-.350) and hitting leadoff. Plus, if you grab him, you can scream a’la The Weeknd, “I can’t feel my Jace!”
Jon Lester – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.03 vs. John Lamb 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.60. This matchup was billed as, “Sigh, Lester, of the Lamb,” which is really just a collection of words. Isn’t that right, Clarice?
Ben Zobrist – 2-for-6 and his 10th homer. Yo, Rocky, that’s Zobrist, baby!
Javier Baez – 1-for-7, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, a grand slam off Hoover. Looked lost at the plate all night then he faced someone who really sucked.
Billy Hamilton – 1-for-6 and his 3rd homer, hitting .255. Kinda surprised he’s hitting so well, playing and only has 19 steals, but that could become 30 steals in a blink of an eye. Not literally, stop blinking.
Adam Conley – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.90. Conley should stick to writing books about Hieronymus Bosch. By the way, if you haven’t watched Bosch on Amazon, you should immediately.
Giancarlo Stanton – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. Only 35 more! Okay, I’d take 20 more and be so happy.
Nick Castellanos – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .302. *resisting urge to see how poorly he’s been doing over the past month* He’s still doing good in June! I think!
Jose Iglesias – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. He was a hot schmotato last week, but might still have hotness left in his schmotato.
Aledmys Diaz – Will miss a few games after a foul ball hit above his right eye. If he played for the Pirates, he could’ve just worn an eyepatch.
Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.42. This was a scary AF matchup vs. the world champion Kansas City–Wait, they’re starting Merrifield, Orlando, Cuthbert, Colon and Butera? Okay, but still a solid start from Wacha.
Yordano Ventura – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.00. His pitching couldn’t fight its way out of a paper bag. Speaking of which, that would be a great pre-All-Star Game activity! Come see Yordano try to fight his way out of a giant paper bag.
Kendrys Morales – 2-for-4, 2 runs. He’s so hot, he could walk through a car wash and then be immediately drys.
Lorenzo Cain – Left the game in what appeared to be severe hamstring pain. Renzo may need to take the Benzo for a few.
Zack Greinke – Left with a tight oblique. Not to be confused with on fleek.
Brad Ziegler – 1 IP, 2 ER and a blown save. Prolly nothing, but you know I signed up Daniel Hudson to the FML All-Stars.
Jake Lamb – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 16th homer. He’s a baaaaah-mamba lamba!
Yasmany Tomas – 2-for-4 and his 13th homer. In the last eleven games, he has six homers. Granted, two were in Coors, but it’s not like he plays his home games in 1950s Yankee Stadium that had no outfield fences, allowing for unlimited room for Mickey Mantle to bury scotch bottles.
Maikel Franco – 2-for-5 and his 13th homer, hitting .246. I know it’s been less than ideal owning him. Or has it?! Oh, no, the reversal question! Actually, it has been miserable owning him. On our Player Rater, he’s ranked around 200. He could turn it around pretty quickly though.
Troy Tulowitzki – 1-for-5 and his 12th homer. Tulo said, “It’s nice to be back in Coors. I feel 12% lighter and my hamstrings feel 47% more likely to tear.”
Adrian Gonzalez – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI. After becoming essentially a platoon player, he had something to prove yesterday. Nothing speaks louder than two singles and a double. Yuuuuge stuff!
Julio Urias – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.09. This could be his last start. I’m sure the Dodgers will have at least 67 more Urias updates about when he will and won’t start. Stay tuned. Or not! Your choice.
Joc Pederson – 1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI, but left the game early after crashing into a wall. I could see if he were dressed as the Kool Aid Man, but otherwise I just don’t understand it.
Clayton Kershaw – Headed back to LA to visit a back specialist. I can put him in touch with my chiropractor. Frank Sobotka also goes there. No lie, he was in the waiting room one time. Speaking of recent celebrity sightings, I saw Harvey Weinstein yesterday. He looks old! Like 15 years older than you’d think. I wonder if Madonna ever wanted his sperm. I should’ve asked.
Steven Matz – Start pushed back to Thursday. If there’s one thing that can fix elbow spurs, it’s an extra 18 hours of rest. It’s a magic number, really.
Lucas Giolito – 4 IP, 0 ER, but out due to a rain delay. Yeah, he’s gonna be special. You can just see it. This isn’t like Marcus Stroman coming up. This is next level shizz right here. He looked kinda like a righty Hamels, but I bet he’s even better than that. For this year, he could still have rookie bumps, my bump, my bump, you love my lady bumps.
Stephen Strasburg – MRI revealed an upper back strain. Hmm, I read that he had ribs pop out. Well, either way, Strasburg is one return start where he’s not 100% from being Stressbird all over again. I’m thrilled like Will Clark at a buffet. Eat ’em all! *devil horns symbol with hand*
