I’m with Streamonator: Carlos Carrasco is your No-Brainer O’ the Day. (Not to be confused with your Darren O’ the Day, which is a fish submarine sandwich.) The last time Carrasco faced the White Sox, at home, it was to the tune of 1 ER over 7 innings, and this matchup is in the more pitcher-friendly Sox park. (Mind you, his last start versus the Tigers was a tad more worrying — still only 2 ER, but he struggled with command.) But today on FanDuel, he’s $10,300. And at the same time, the Giants are in Coors. I’ve set myself a silly challenge: to play Carlos Carrasco AND stack as many Coors bats as possible, all while plugging the remaining holes as cheaply (and well? Ha) as I can. And you’ll see that through my own stubbornness, I’ve created possibly the most lopsided FanDuel lineup ever, one that will need complete rejigging if any one of my players doesn’t actually start. Like George Michael, I may come to be filled with regret and (totally logical consequence to cheating on someone!) never dance again, but it’s not for nothing that my mother calls me Victoria Mary Quite Contrary. So here goes!
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Happy Coors Day! Beers flow, hits and runs are plentiful, can it get any better? Coors Day, unfortunately, is on the Early Only Slate and not the Main, which we’ll get to later. Just like almost every Coors Slate, you’re just trying to jam as many Coors bats into your lineup as you can with whatever other value you can find. But what do you do when Fanduel puts the value at Coors? Well, you play them everywhere, obviously. Today, Fanduel has graced us with the mispriced trio of Dodger lefty mashers all under 3k. Franklin Gutierrez (.363 career wOBA vs lefties), Kike Hernandez (.361 wOBA vs lefties) and Scott Van Slyke (.364 wOBA vs lefties) all hit like Adrian Beltre vs. lefties, and now they are at Coors and each priced under 3k? Are you kidding me? If any of these guys are in the lineup, you play them, and then sit back, drink your adult beverage and watch as the money rolls in. If you only want to use one, I’d probably keep it simple and just go with whoever hits highest in the order.
Now, on to the picks.
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Yasmany Tomas, Odubel Herrera, Nomar Mazara. What do those players have in common? Guys that were in last year’s top 100 outfielders post that made it out like this is Orange is the New Black and those guys were Taystee. Only then Taystee got reincarcerated and brought with her that badass b*tch Vee, and Vee then started running shizz and that white ho, who the show was originally about that is annoying AF, started getting institutionalized with panty-selling and lez ho’ing and–Well, anyway, you get the point. There’s not a ton of sunshine in this top 100 outfielders, but occasionally you do get glimmers of hope. All the 2017 fantasy baseball rankings are under that link-ma-whosie. As always, my projections and tiers are included. Anyway, here’s the top 100 outfielders for 2017 fantasy baseball:
I had an idea to make the Olympics more watchable. You know how you watch it now and you’re like, “Damn, he just ran the length of two football fields in 20 seconds? I mean, it looked like he was going fast, but the guy next to him ran it in 21 seconds, so it’s hard to tell exactly how fast he was running.” Enter my idea: in every event, there should one normal person competing so we get a better idea of how great the Olympians are next to average schmos. Tell me you wouldn’t watch the platform diving if between the North Korean and Chinese diver, I was there trying to get the nerve up to jump from three floors up, then plunging awkwardly into the water on my back. Or running next to Usain Bolt, doing an 85-second 200 meter dash. So, this brings me to Kris Bryant, who right now is making other major leaguers look like ‘normal people.’ Yesterday, he went 5-for-5, 4 runs, 5 RBIs with his 29th and 30th homers. On our Player Rater, he’s in the top five for the season. Member in the preseason when people were saying Bryant was going to strike out too much to draft in the 1st round? Those people are enjoying themselves some Jose Abreu! For 2017, it’s gonna be hard to rank Bryant much later than the top five, as he enters only his age-25 season. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Steve Cishek hit the DL with the same injury that sounds like it once affected Nadia Comaneci –a torn labrum. Grey’s got Olympics fever! Which this year sounds like it can be transmitted by a mosquito. “I’m not wearing my Brazilian national flag t-shirt to sit in the room all day! Actually, I feel a little woozy too.” That’s a family of four coming down with the Zika Virus at this year’s Olympics. With Cishek likely out for the year, grab Edwin Diaz in all leagues. On a related note, I’ll leave you with the Double Dutch Bus, a song that Missy Elliott later made famous on Gossip Folks. The chorus for Double Dutch Bus sounds like it’s just me trying to say the name Steve Cishek. Fast forward to 2:15 if you’re not feeling early 80s funk and just want the guy to say Steve Cishek repeatedly.
Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Oh man! So close to a Joel Youngblood sighting! Melvin Upton was traded from the Padres to the Blue Jays, a team they are currently facing. Is it me or does it seem like this year the teams are so cheap, they’re not even using their cell minutes. If they’re playing against a team, then they’re trading with them. That’s it. Surprised the Indians haven’t been more active then. Ya know, cause they could use smoke signals. By the way, nothing you could ever say about Native Americans is more racist than a team being called Redskins or the Indians’ mascot. So, go ahead, try! Melvin Upton shook the B.J. name, but you can’t take the Upton out of the B.J.’s, Blue Jays, that is. The trade of Upton takes him from a mediocre team to a solid offensive team, but moves him from the middle of the order to the lower third of the order and potentially even hurts his playing time if the Jays want to get Smoak into the lineup. I’m gonna say all things being equal, it’s a push, which technically means all things are equal, so there! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
*nervous finger tap* How many days without baseball? So, I can close my fantasy baseball team browser window without missing anything? Okay. *throws computer out window* What? Was there another way to close my fantasy team page? I hadn’t in so long I forgot. What do you mean I can go outside without worrying about missing anything in baseball? But there’s real people out there! I’m staying right here, thank you very much! So, we’re headed to the break, but Craig Kimbrel just has a tear, no break. He hit the DL with a medial meniscus tear in his knee. Oddly enough, a remedial mend-iscus Band-Aid is not used to fix this. I think you messed up modern medicine, but I’ll reserve judgment. This will sideline Kimbrel for about four weeks. In his place will be Koji Uehara. Koji is famous for his food truck and 41-year-old junk pitches. The newly-acquired Brad Ziegler, who should put a Z like Zorro on the mound after every strikeout, will back up Uehara, because Ziegler’s kinda bleh (1.40+ WHIP, 6-ish K/9) and Koji’s been in Boston a while. Since Boston’s colors are red, they should call him Scarlett Uehara. As for over in Arizona, I agree with Dan Pants in Saturday’s roundup. The non-Yankee Clippard is the one to own. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
The sixth inning of every home Clayton Kershaw start isn’t going to be the same. No longer will Angelenos be filing in as if it’s the first, suddenly realizing that Kershaw is pitching, but now they will be stuck talking about everything but baseball for the entirety of the game and not simply 95% of it. “Ma, can I keep score on the back of my headshot?” “We’re not here to see the game, Timmy, we’re here to run into commercial directors. This is where Stew’s mom got him that Tropicana commercial. You want to pay my bills, don’t you?” “Sorry, ma.” Like the oral sex scene in The World According to Garp, it’s a devastating blow losing Kershaw for any amount of time. He was diagnosed with a herniated disc, but won’t require surgery. The Dodgers are hoping he’s back (poor choice of words) from the DL right after the All-Star Game. I’d pray with you, but I’m using my hands to clap for not drafting a pitcher in the 1st round. The Dodgers did pick up Bud Norris in a trade to fill in. Won’t see any fall off there! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Yesterday, Brian Dozier went 3-for-4, 4 RBIs with two homers (11, 12). Dozier’s quietly had a great June (7 HRs, near-.350), after having a miserable May (2 HRs, .215) and an atrocious April (3 HRs, .191). Who knows what July holds? Which sounds like the title for a piece of art done by Daniel Johnston. Let’s see, Daniel Johnston describing Dozier. “June is Fun! Fun! Fun! If I ever thought I could be happy, it was from Dozier. Fun! Fun! Fun! Oh! That rock and roll! It saves my soul! Owning Dozier in June, it must’ve been a happy time, Kool Aid flowing like wine, the bubble gum, forever-ever-ever-ever-ever-ever after! Now I will get on a random bus in Austin and ride to New Mexico.” Oh, Daniel Johnston, you were taken from us way too soon. *sees he’s still alive* Okay, moving on. So, Dozier has turned his season around and is close to the same pace as his previous season stats (28 HRs, 12 SBs). Moreover, Dozier has cut his Ks by a lot, so he could hit for a better average this year (.250 vs. .235). Daniel Johnston might be onto something. About fun, fun fun not about getting on random buses. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Wikipedia says groupthink is, “A psychological phenomenon that occurs within a group of people in which the desire for harmony or conformity in the group results in an irrational or dysfunctional decision-making outcome. Group members try to minimize conflict and reach a consensus decision without critical evaluation of alternative viewpoints by actively suppressing dissenting viewpoints, and by isolating themselves from outside influences. Now spend forty minutes randomly popping around the internet until you somehow end up on an exercise video of Morgan Fairchild.” I’m sure someone has already done this, but you know how there’s Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon? Why isn’t there an internet six degrees to tepid porn? No matter where you are, you are six clicks from tepid porn. Any hoo! I was thinking about groupthink because of the comments on this site, but it’s more like groupspeak. Just listen to what the groupspeak say. Sometimes you get comments that can be helpful, even if they’re not intentionally trying to be helpful. If you see ten to twenty random comments asking about Danny Duffy, a pattern emerges. A beautiful snowflake pattern because every comment is different unless it’s a catcher question. With that many people asking about Duffy, there might be something there. So, I looked at his stats, and, J. Lo and behold, his peripherals are gorge. In 43 IP, he has a 10.3 K/9, 1.5 BB/9 and a 3.52 xFIP. He’s there with a 95.7 MPH fastball and a change that is buckling hitters. These are not waiver wire pitcher peripherals. These are ace pitcher numbers. I’d go pick him up right now…Which should only take you three clicks, so you have three more clicks to find Morgan Fairchild doing crunches. Enjoy (or be careful)! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball: