I had an idea to make the Olympics more watchable. You know how you watch it now and you’re like, “Damn, he just ran the length of two football fields in 20 seconds? I mean, it looked like he was going fast, but the guy next to him ran it in 21 seconds, so it’s hard to tell exactly how fast he was running.” Enter my idea: in every event, there should one normal person competing so we get a better idea of how great the Olympians are next to average schmos. Tell me you wouldn’t watch the platform diving if between the North Korean and Chinese diver, I was there trying to get the nerve up to jump from three floors up, then plunging awkwardly into the water on my back. Or running next to Usain Bolt, doing an 85-second 200 meter dash. So, this brings me to Kris Bryant, who right now is making other major leaguers look like ‘normal people.’ Yesterday, he went 5-for-5, 4 runs, 5 RBIs with his 29th and 30th homers. On our Player Rater, he’s in the top five for the season. Member in the preseason when people were saying Bryant was going to strike out too much to draft in the 1st round? Those people are enjoying themselves some Jose Abreu! For 2017, it’s gonna be hard to rank Bryant much later than the top five, as he enters only his age-25 season. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jake Arrieta – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners (7 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at .275. Cubs fans can ostrich their head into the sand, but for as long as I’ve been saying Arrieta doesn’t look right, about three months, something’s been off.
Kirk Nieuwenhuis – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. I like to go into Ikea and ask a store clerk to show me to the Nieuwenhuis.
Danny Salazar – 1 IP, 3 ER as he was activated from the DL. After his inning of work, he threw in the bullpen. Terry Francona: Making America Scratch Their Head Again. My suggestion is have Salazar go on a rehab assignment and throw some bullpen sessions, then activate him. See how the bullpen sessions come before the activation?
Jose Ramirez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .312. You remember in elementary school when you’d put ditto marks, which were essentially quote marks? Indians’ scorekeeper should just put ditto marks next to two hits for every player in their lineup in every game.
Carlos Rodon – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.26. That start was Rodonkulous, dad! I don’t mean you’re my father, I was talking to my dumb athletic director. Hey, at least I wasn’t talking to my diarrhea after drinking. So, Rodon looked decent, but I’d lean on the Stream-o-Nator for him, and it likes his next start.
Justin Morneau – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs, hitting .297. You know he’s going to be in the afternoon Buy column. Know how you know? I’ve mentioned him four times this week for being hot.
Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-4 and his 20th homer, hitting .234. Could he the best pickup I’ve ever made in my life? Not even top 100, but he has been doing work, and, because you love nothing more than rehashing shizz with my teams, he’s hitting .300 on my team and I’ve had him for about six weeks.
Justin Turner – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs, 3 RBIs, and his 23rd homer, hitting .278. If he finishes with 30 homers, that’s the only way I think he’ll get the credit he deserves next year. Even if it’s 29 homers, I bet he’s still underrated.
Ryan Howard – 1-for-3 and his 19th homer, hitting .198. That’s almost one million dollars for every homer this year! The other day I noticed Howard was hot, but you have a screw loose while only carrying a wrench if you think I’m recommending him.
Maikel Franco – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .249. If he gets to .260 and 27 homers, it’s gonna be real hard for me next year to not have him ranked again in the top five rounds. Cust kayin’.
Aaron Altherr – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 5th steal. Snooze! You were so last week’s schmotato.
Yoenis Cespedes – Will return on Friday, which is today. Thank you, Mr. Calendar!
Justin Ruggiano – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st home run. I prefer Ruggiano’s cheese.
Jacob deGrom – 5 IP, 8 ER, ERA up to 2.73 vs. Madison Bumgarner – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 2.25, as he pitchslapped deGrom for his third homer. This matchup was billed as, “Why does my number one starter have to go against that other number one? I’m trying to get wins here! Ugh, oh well, another zero-zero no decision, I guess.” The billing didn’t live up to its name and people were demanding their money back.
Eduardo Nunez – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 30th steal. He homered three games ago, then went 0-for-6 in the last two games and what is this his autobiography? I can’t say whether Nunez is hot, because he’s starting in fits and tantrums.
Jose Fernandez – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.05. How’d that Public Enemy song go? Can’t Truss it! No, well, yes, but no. He Got Game! Yes, but no. Welcome to the Fukudome! No, Shut ‘Em Down! That’s it!
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, three homers in the last four games. OZUNA wish Giancarlo well. OZUNA say don’t forget to write. OZUNA say don’t forget to read either. OZUNA lie if he say he doesn’t hit better without Giancarlo around.
Dan Straily – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Tracking his month ERAs: April, 3.38; May, 3.47; June, 6.43; July, 2.41; August, 3.09. Throw out June, and, you know what, we should, because June’s a dumb month — ooh, I’m June, I’m stupid — and Straily’s ERA on the year is 3.07. Yup.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.78 vs. Matt Shoemaker 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.14. This was a matchup of two pitchers I want to trust so much. Alas, they give me so many reasons to, then reasons not to follow soon behind.
Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4 and his 31st homer. And not hot once all year! Kidding, sorta. He really hasn’t seemed hot, fo’reallies.
Mike Zunino – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Who’s Zunino’ing who?!
Jake Barrett – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, in the 8th inning of a game the Diamondbacks were winning, so Barrett was not going to be the closer. And that was the day Grey realized Diamondbacks saves were not that important to him. I dropped Barrett before the inning even finished and now own Enrique Burgos, that could be short-lived too.
Jean Segura – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (11) and booted-thru-legs (7). Booted-thru-legs are errors? I’m trying it out. No? Okay.
Mitch Haniger – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs, hitting .462 in three games since debuting. Haniger has a few things going for him. Everyone wants a Mitch to succeed, except MAM, Mothers Against Mitches. Haniger is also ready to contribute, since he’s 25 years old. He hit 24 HRs and stole 10 bases in the minors this year, hitting .351 in Triple-A. Could he be a late bloomer or just a guy that was much older than the league? Prolly the latter, but in deep mixed leagues, it’s worth gambling on him for at least a schmotato.
Travis Jankowski – 4-for-5, 3 runs and his 26th steal. Don’t even get me started on how many steals he has in how few at-bats. Don’t even!
Reynaldo Lopez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.37. Damn, Cousin Sweatpants, I’d like to bottle that and whenever I need a streamer, just push out another exactly like it. I will call it a Lopez dispenser. So, gorge, obvi, and other abbreviated words, but this start was against the Braves, and I’ve already dropped him back to waivers. This time of year, you need to be ruthless like Helen Slater in Ruthless People.
Arodys Vizcaino – 0 IP, 3 ER as he was activated from the DL, and won’t resume closer duties immediately. I own Vizcaino, so this is weird to say about Jim Johnson, but I’ve been so happy with Johnson’s results I don’t want Vizcaino to close. This will prolly be the part of the program where Johnson gives up 5 ER in 1/3 IP and I forever regret this blurb.
Julio Teheran – Cleared to return from the DL today. If someone dropped him while he was hurt, grab him. Don’t walk, Tehe-run. *small giggle, yawn* Okay, I’ve done my work for today. *opens beer can, puts it to mouth, dives into pool, drinking*
Dillon Gee – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.52. Gee is a perfect name for him because my level of excitement when I say Gee is exactly right for Dillon.
Alex Gordon – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 3rd in as many games. I’ve said a few times this week he’s a hot schmotato, and, yesterday, I batty called him, and now I’m keeping him around for a little love affair that’s gonna make Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy look like child’s play. Literally, they may as well be dressed as a killer doll in overalls.
Cheslor Cuthbert – 3-for-4, 2 runs. Je sais qui je yawnstipating. That’s French for ‘this cigarette butt has no more tobacco to smoke.’ Secondary definition is, ‘this guy is yawnstipating.’
Joe Musgrove – 5 1/3 IP, 8 ER. Musgrove’s not bad, just had a terrible matchup in Camden Yards, after roping people in with a great start in Toronto. The ol’ rope-a-dope. Sadly, you’re not the rope in this scenario.
Alex Bregman – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. His overall numbers look bad, but he has two homers in the last three games and has been hitting over-.300 in the last week. He’s coming on… Which is not a sentence you want an ellipsis on in a lot of situations
A.J. Reed – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. He’s coming too…? Okay, enough.
Mark Trumbo – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 35th homer, hitting .256. Yeah, but his 2nd half hasn’t been good. More to come next preseason. Cue maniacal laugh! Hehe. That’s not maniacal! That’s schoolgirl!
J.J. Hardy – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homers, hitting .278. Member when he was a 20-homer hitter? Hardy really cliff dove off his prime to under a ten-homer hitter.
Chris Davis – 2-for-5 and two more homers (26, 27), and three in two games, hitting .222. Yesterday, I said he can go on one of those streaks where he hits ten homers in twelve games. Today, I’ll say eight homers in the next 11 games.
Sandy Leon – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, hitting .382. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but I legit have no idea what you’re waiting for? You waiting for the Virgin Mary that you burned onto your toast to talk to you?
Mookie Betts – 2-for-5, 1 run, hitting .318. Can we just call him Mookie Best, and be done with it?
Clay Buchholz – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.42. Sure glad I benched Buchholz in my weekly league and started Bundy and Strasburg. Good move, Monday Grey! “Blow me, Thursday Grey!” We should let them hash this out amongst themselves.
Matt Boyd – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.93. Besides being the 1st round pick of Flavor Flav’s fantasy team, “Yeah, Boyd,” there’s not a ton to write home about with him. Not to mention, who writes home anymore. Do pens and pads still exist? I do not know of your simpler time.
Justin Upton – Has been benched three straight days because, as manager Ausmus said, “So, (Upton) can hit the reset button like the end of the Newhart show.” Then reporters grumbled, “Jesus, man, say spoiler alert first.”