Yesterday, Wil Myers went 2-for-4 and his 11th and 12th homers as he hits .294. How many posts does Wil Myers have with his post-hype sleeper? More than the postman at the postoffice marking his post-lunch post-time with some extra postage licking and complaints that they have their postbaccalaureate to sort postcards without postcodes wishing they were postcoital not dealing with postapocalyptic posturing about the postage for the postmortem envelope they pulled out of the garbage that now looks postmodern. Nah’mean?! That’s 14 posts, kid! Damn, I should be on Def Poetry Jam. I know you wish there were some sleepers you could unswallow, but Myers has been the one shining light in a sea of brown, cloaked Padres. This could be the last year that he’s even a question mark and not owned from start to finish. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Drew Pomeranz – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.44. Pomeranz’s ERA feels like it’s slowly removing a Band-Aid and at the end it’s still going to reopen the scab and be covered with hair stuck to it.
Julio Teheran – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. San Diego. Coincidentally, Padres vs. Teheran was also the name of a Red Cross mission into Iran. “Hey, look, I’m a Friar of falafel.” That’s a Father in Iran working the room. Teheran’s ERA is now down to 2.85, and his peripherals are also decent. Heard rumors that the Royals might trade for him. Sounds like the second coming of the Cueto trade from last year. But, that’s neither here nor there, Teheran has a solid next matchup vs. the Reds. (What, are all the terrible teams playing each other right now?)
Chase d’Arnaud – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting over-.350 in the last week with three multiple hit games in the past eight games, and four times reminding me that I drafted Travis d’Arnaud. Worth grabbing Chase for a little schmotato action.
Ender Inciarte – 3-for-5, 2 runs. Inciarte would like to thank the slow day of games yesterday for allowing him to get a blurb on Razzball. He’d also like to thank his manager and his team at CAA. Finally, his wife. “Mi amore con grande corazon. Yo lo tengo beisbol while you lo tengo the ninos.” Damn, Ender got me like Pete Rose with two strikes — choked up.
Chris Tillman – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.01. Yay, super, awesome, adjective, adjective, adjective, exclamation mark in larger font, but he goes to Fenway next.
Hyun-soo Kim – 1-for-4, 1 RBI and his 1st steal. Since he’s hitting .372 in the U.S., and they say Korean baseball is like Double-A, then he’d be hitting .576 in Korea. I’d show the math but it’s way too detailed and this blurb is already too circumlocutory.
Vince Velasquez – Pulled after two pitches with biceps soreness. Just asking for those of us in Game Start leagues, you couldn’t feel something was wrong in warmups? You let two pitches go and suddenly there’s soreness? I could see pulling something suddenly or twisting something out of nowhere, but soreness? Soreness doesn’t come out of nowhere.
Kris Bryant – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (14) and legs (2), hitting .284. Remember the people in the preseason that were convinced Bryant was a stupid early round selection because his strikeouts were too high and I said don’t worry about it and they said you’re stupid? Yeah, those people are enjoying themselves some Jose Abreu.
Javier Baez – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs, hitting .274 as he started at shortstop. Would love to see him start in place of Russell, but doubt it happens. I have no quarrel with Russell, but he’s boring me to pieces and Javier Baezinga gets me percolating.
John Lackey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.63. Watch the Cubs have four 20-game winners this year, which in the days of less innings and more relievers is unheard of. Maybe John Lackey can even get an endorsement with Jockey underwear.
Jameson Taillon – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks as he was called up. The non-Italian Taillon! In semi-related news, I had a dream that Jeff Locke hit the DL after accidentally scratching his cornea on Jon Niese’s nose. Okay, so Taillon’s line looks just okay. Agreed. Remember, this was also vs. the Mets. You know, the team that closed Urias’s other eye. Taillon looked comfortable, considering it was his first game. He gave up a lame jack to Ty Kelly (who?), then returned to make Rene Rivera look terrible. I know, it’s Rene Rivera, but still, the game could’ve went sideways at that point; it didn’t. His opponent, Noah Syndergaard (6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks) looked worse, and totally flustered at certain points. No, I’m not saying Taillon’s better than Snydergaard; it was one game. Chillax.
Michael Conforto – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .246. Conforto went ice cold like Vanilla Ice’s career after Ice, Ice Baby (irony?), but I believe in Conforto, and think he’s a solid buy low.
Kelly Johnson – Traded to the Mets for Akeel Morris, which sounds like the real name of a 90’s rapper. “Should I make the $1,200 check out to Akeel Morris or Large Professor?” That’s a concert promoter. As for Johnson, um, yeah, cool.
Will Harris – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save. And just that fast Harris is the closer. Highly doubt they go to anyone else if he’s converting chances. Damn, Giles was one clean inning away from being the closer.
George Springer – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 14th homer. Pop goes the Springer and Springer shows pop!
Yu Darvish – 5 IP, 1 ER, but pulled with shoulder tightness. It’s official, I can’t have anything nice. I need to travel to Mecca with Sadat X and that Muslim basketball player that had Tourette’s and could shoot free throws. I need to get right with my karma. I don’t deserve this–*swats away fly* Wait, was that bad? Come back, fly!
Josh Hamilton – A surgeon found an ACL injury while Hamilton was having an operation on his knee. That’s right, Hamilton injured his knee while having his knee operated on. Hamilton has a better chance of getting tickets to see a musical about him called Hamilton by the guy that made the other Hamilton than playing baseball again.
James Shields – 2 IP, 7 ER. Aging pitcher who hasn’t looked good in over a year moves to the AL but faces an NL team, but one of the best NL teams, and all the bookmakers say, “What…WHAT?!” All the bookmakers say, “What…WHAT?!” Sorry, I was working on my Josh Hamilton musical, was inspired from the previous blurb.
Stephen Drew – 2-for-5 and his 4th homer. He went back-to-back with Danny Espinosa (3-for-5, 3 runs). Bittersweet for Trea Turner fans. More bitter than sweet, more sweet than bitter. Bitter than sweet. A bittersweet surrender.
Taijuan Walker – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA down to 3.48. Hopefully you held him after his past two shellackings. Shellacking, that is a word made for pitchers. I wonder if that’s Vin Mazzaro’s middle name.
Ketel Marte – 2-for-3, 2 runs and two steals (7, 8). Within a week, he’ll be batting leadoff again. Okay, within a week, he should be. Don’t quibble, you quibbler!
Carlos Carrasco – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.48. Still think he’s getting the rust off his Kuntz, and would buy him low. I love me some Carrasco. Not as much as Tapatio, but a lot.
Brandon Belt – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, hitting .298. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I keep thinking Belt is doing better. Not that he’s doing bad, but better.
Santiago Casilla – Bochy, with his rather large head, decided to play matchups in the 9th inning. Casilla started the 9th, then Javier Lopez, then Hunter Strickland got the save. None of them looked bad. Well, Casilla’s looked bad in the recent past. I’d guess Casilla, Strickland, Gearrin, in that order, for saves, but obviously Casilla’s on thin ice while performing at SAGNOF Capades.
Nathan Eovaldi – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.42. Eovaldi had a huge early lead, then pitched to the score. Super. Sorry, went to the bathroom. Didn’t mean super. Was gonna say, supervise me when I think about picking up Eovaldi so I don’t.
Carlos Beltran – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer, and now has homers in three straight games. The Rise of the Zombino starring Beltran and Susan Sarandon with this message, “Please now ignore everything bad I said about Hillary.”
Chris Parmelee – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and two homers (1, 2). I wish I would’ve picked Parmelee up as a batty call. Yes, I like whine with my cheese.
Jacoby Ellsbury – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 3rd homer. Priming himself for my pre-All-Star Game contest where former home run hitters face off in a home run derby. C’mon, Ellsbury, you can beat Mauer!
Chase Anderson – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.21. That’s nice, but Chase is usually being Chase’d. Early and often.
Rich Hill – No go for his start on Saturday, scratched due to his groin. Weird, because most pitchers scratch their groin while pitching.
Jaime Garcia – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER vs. Alfredo Simon 5 IP, 6 ER. This matchup was billed at That Jaime/Simon Game, which is also what Art Garfunkel used to say when Paul would pretend to forget his wallet at dinner.
Brandon Moss – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homers. Owned in 13% of ESPN leagues. If you would just platoon Moss in and out of your lineup, it would be worth more than your cool-guy stashing of prospects.
Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. The Superfluous H is on the bhoard!
Matt Adams – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .333. I still ranked him a bit too high in the preseason, I get that, but Fatt Adams hasn’t been bad. As of now, he’s ahead of Jose Abreu on our Player Rater. It hurts me to write that as much as it hurts you to read it.
Zack Cozart – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .303. Mean’s while, Tucker Barnhart went 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .259. Cozart and Barnhart sound like parallel universe composers. They’re composing The Magic Fluke.
Joe Mauer – 2-for-5, 3 runs and his 7th homer. Someone’s ready for Ellsbury!
Brandon Kintzler – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st MLB save. Finally, the Twins laid Kevin Jepsen to rest. Sleep tight, Jepsen, sleep tight. Inside a sealed container, preferably, that is put out to sea. Paul Molitor said, after talking about his 39-game hitting streak, that Kintzler and Fernando Abad would share closing duties. Kintzler has closing experience in the minors and has been effective. Abad is a bad man, but I’d put him behind Kintzler for now.
Trevor Plouffe – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Plouffe goes the dynamite!
Byung Ho Park – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer. I wonder if there’s a lot of Ho Hums in Korea. Deep Thoughts With Grey Albright.
Jake Odorizzi – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.47. Other than two starts this year, Odorizzi has been solid, so why is it he’s doing nothing for me? I mean, not literally. Well, literally, he is doing nothing for me, because I don’t own him, but I mean he’s not exciting me. Hmm, maybe it is because I don’t own him. Yeah, I’ve painted myself into a logic corner. Little help.
Corey Dickerson – 3-for-4 and two solo homers (10, 11), hitting .202. Also, in this game, Rickie Weeks (2-for-4) hit his 3rd homer and Desmond Jennings (1-for-3) hit his 5th homer. Feels like these three should be on the Island of Misfit Toys. “Kids used to love us and put us on their fantasy teams. Now, we’re stuck here with the Snow Miser and Randal Grichuk.”
Archie Bradley – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA up to 5.22. He should be named, Alas Bradley. Make it easier since that’s what everyone calls him when he’s on their fantasy team. Well, he’s seemed to rope us in again. Stream-o-Nator hates his next matchup and I see no reason to hold onto him.
Drew Smyly – Rays will skip Smyly in their rotation next time around. What that means essentially is the Rays would drop him if they could, but you’re holding onto him in a league where you can choose from 29 other teams’ pitchers. You don’t think the Rays would grab Jerad Eickhoff, Michael Fulmer or Matt Shoemaker if they could?
Justin Smoak – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. I picked him up right before game time yesterday. You, “Fantasy Master Lothario, in all of your brilliance and handsomeness how did you know to grab Smoak? Was it the Hitter-Tron and its horniness for metal? Was it your intuition? Are you a witch?” Easy, Razzball Reader, it was that I saw he was batting 4th and he was available. Yup, hard methodology to teach.
Josh Donaldson – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. F5!
Troy Tulowitzki – Expects to return on June 13th. When you’re injured 17 times a year, you get pretty good at coming up with a timetable.
Jordan Zimmermann – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER. The Regression Fairies seem to back their PT Cruiser up to Zimmermann’s ratios once a month and unload all of their crap.
Nick Castellanos – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Whatevs, you were so April/May! Which sounds like a Marvel character. “Spiderman, please don’t go.” “I have to, April May, it’s my destiny. Plus, what else am I supposed to do with web nets spinning out of my wrists? Set up tennis courts?”