*nervous finger tap*  How many days without baseball?  So, I can close my fantasy baseball team browser window without missing anything?  Okay.  *throws computer out window*  What?  Was there another way to close my fantasy team page?  I hadn’t in so long I forgot.  What do you mean I can go outside without worrying about missing anything in baseball?  But there’s real people out there!  I’m staying right here, thank you very much!  So, we’re headed to the break, but Craig Kimbrel just has a tear, no break. He hit the DL with a medial meniscus tear in his knee.  Oddly enough, a remedial mend-iscus Band-Aid is not used to fix this.  I think you messed up modern medicine, but I’ll reserve judgment.  This will sideline Kimbrel for about four weeks.  In his place will be Koji Uehara.  Koji is famous for his food truck and 41-year-old junk pitches.  The newly-acquired Brad Ziegler, who should put a Z like Zorro on the mound after every strikeout, will back up Uehara, because Ziegler’s kinda bleh (1.40+ WHIP, 6-ish K/9) and Koji’s been in Boston a while.  Since Boston’s colors are red, they should call him Scarlett Uehara.  As for over in Arizona, I agree with Dan Pants in Saturday’s roundup.  The non-Yankee Clippard is the one to own.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

David Price – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Has 1.69 ERA, 0.88 WHIP, 20 Ks in his last 16 IP, which is the amount of time I’ve had him on my team, after trading Chris Archer and Cishek to JB.  By the by, JB offered me that trade.  Hopefully, one day, in the not-too-distant future, everyone gets to make a trade with JB.  That is my dream.  Not as inspirational as MLK, but it’s the most caring I’ve felt about my fellow humans in a while, so you’ll take it.

David Ortiz – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .332.  At what point does he say he’s not retiring and have to return all his retirement tour gifts?  Will Chicago let him keep the five-quart jar of neon green relish?

Josh Bell – Didn’t start all weekend, but hit a pinch-hit grand slam on Saturday.  What an effin’ joke.  Why even bring him up?  You need John Jaso Jingleheimer Schmidt playing that badly that Bell can’t even get the occasional start?  Why call up Bell when you have no intention of playing him?  I’m holding him through the break, but if “jumping Hurdle’s logic” were an Olympic event it would be impossible to train for and the winner would the fantasy owner who slammed their head against a wall the most.

Sean Rodriguez – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, and 4th homer in the last five games.  Holy hot schmotatoes!  I grabbed him in one league, and he’s now found a home (until I decide to drop him during the break just because I can’t sit still for the next four days).

Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  He’s looking 25 years old again!  “From above the patella and up.”  That’s his knees chiming in.

Jon Lester – 3 IP, 5 ER, now 13 ER in his last 4 1/3 IP, ERA up to 3.01.  The Regression Fairies are as vindictive as much as they love to brunch.

John Lackey – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.70.  All-Star break for Cubs fans should be a somber time of hoping their pitching looks better than it has in the last two weeks and hoping they don’t have to face Kershaw three times in a seven game series in October.

Anthony Rizzo – 4-for-5, 1 run.  From my mouth to Giancarlo’s ears, people still ask me about Rizzo’s splits.  He’s hitting .299 overall!

Jose Bautista – Had his walking boot removed after paying all his jaywalking tickets.  Jays are hopeful Bautista will return at the end of July.

Josh Donaldson – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting .304.  Crazy how he went from a 25-a-year home run hitter to a 23 homers at the half.  Well, last year he ‘only’ had 21 homers at the end of the 1st half, then followed it up with 20 homers in the 2nd half.  Hasn’t felt like he’s quite where he was last year, but he kinda is.

Kevin Pillar – 3-for-5, 1 run, hitting over-.400 in the last week.  A recurring theme going into the break is I’m super hesitant to call anyone a hot schmotato, because guys can get hot or cold during the break.

Cameron Maybin – 2-for-3 with his 10th steal, hitting .341.  Right now, he’s on my alternate list for my top 100 for the 2nd half coming tomorrow, and I might still move Maybin in (stutterer!).

Carlos Rodon – Hit the DL with a sprained wrist, which is total BS.  Around deez parts we call that the Disgraceful List.  See it, know it, don’t be it.

David Robertson – Out with a strained left leg.  White Sox aren’t sure if Robertson needs a DL stint, because the White Sox are only paying him $11 million, why would they care to have him checked by a doctor?  Any hoo!  Nate Jones is the temp fill-in.

Mike Foltynewicz – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.67.  Had no idea how good his peripherals looked; his BB/9 is an even 2 with a 8.3 K/9.  Faultywirenewicz is still a streamer candidate and a name for an 8-year-old Indian-American to spell, but he’s peaked my interest.  I’m intrigued, y’all!

Jeff Francoeur – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, and 2nd Frenchy fly in the past two games.  If teams were playing this week — well, the Cubs will be playing — I’d say grab Francoeur, but I’d wait to see how things shake out with him on Friday.

Arodys Vizcaino – Wasn’t available yesterday due to a rash on his elbow.  Braves don’t believe it’s anything, but some Georgian lawmakers want to make sure it’s not something from Teheran.

Kelvin Herrera – Recorded the save on Saturday.  Lots of new closers, huh?  The All-Star break brought in a small typhoon of the closepocalypse.  Wade Davis sounds like he’s going to be back Altuvely after the break, or maybe I’m only hearing what I want to hear because I own Davis.

Taijuan WalkerMariners said they think Walker can return as soon as his DL stint is over.  They confirmed his original diagnosis of foot tendinitis.  He just needs to get some new Rockport, gel-insole sneakers!

Mike Montgomery – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.06.  This was a spot start, so if you streamed him, you can have your very own Mike drop.

Robinson Cano – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer.  One of the biggest All-Star snubs this year.  Oh, he made the team, but when he comes up to bat in the game, I will flip the channel.  Snubbed!

Danny Salazar – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 2.75.  I’m aware of Salazar’s less-than-stellar 3.75 xFIP.  It doesn’t make me want to Stellabrate.  It’s just the 10+ K/9 makes a lot of mistakes go away.  Then, yesterday, he said he had a sore elbow and won’t pitch in the All-Star Game, which is either a good reason to abandon hope or no big deal except a reason to skip the All-Star Game.  I’m guessing it’s a little bit more of the latter.

Carlos Carrasco – 3 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 unearned runs as the Yankees exploded for 11 runs.  Whew, serious box scare there.

Tyler Naquin – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer.  Can’t help but think he sold his soul to have some Maas Appeal.

Rajai Davis – 1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 24th steal.  Because this is fun (for me), on my RCL team, his stats are 32/6/22/.288/16 in 170 ABs.  On our Player Rater, he’s been about the 15th most valuable outfielder on the season.

Michael Brantley – Ready for rehab games at Short-Season Mahoning Valley.  Is it me or does that sound like a euphemism?  “Aw, they’re not slow, they’re just short-seasoned.”

Aaron Judge – Injured his PCL and is out indefinitely.  Around these parts we call that, “You can drop him in redrafts.”  See, around these parts we speak plain English.

Jacoby Ellsbury – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer.  Seriously, how did he hit 32 homers that one year?  Do I need to dig through Victor Conte’s garbage cans to find out?

Tyler Anderson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.03.  Ugh, I shouldn’t be as intrigued by a Rockies pitcher as I am.  It makes me feel dirty.  “Mommy’s right, I’m a dirty boy!”  That’s me screaming into my mirror.

Maikel Franco – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer.  Fun fact!  Every time I write RBI, I think I’m abbreviating Ron Ben-Israel.

Cameron Rupp – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer.  There’s only room for one natural disaster in Coors and that’s a Torenado, not a Rupption.

Brandon McCarthy – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.70 thru two starts.  Still has yet to go more than five innings and only threw 77 pitches on Saturday in his start vs. the Padres.  In other words, I wouldn’t say McCarthy is a commie get him.

Kenta Maeda – 7 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 2.95.  This game came against the Padres in Dodger Stadium.  Too bad it wasn’t in Petco.  Would’ve been interesting to see how the Padres hitters did facing J.K. Simmons in the celebrity softball game.  “Dammit, Ryan Schimpf, are you rushing or are you dragging?!”

Adrian Gonzalez – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer.  A-Gon’s on a season pace for the same number of homers that Aledmys Diaz already has.

Carlos Martinez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.85.  I like C-Mart.  Dot dot dot.  I mean, I didn’t, but he’s proven that his shoulder is fine.  I’m willing to mend our fences or something you say to a neighbor while handing them pie.  But, I will say, when I saw all those Ks in this game, I was like, “Yeah, Brewers strikeout a ton, right?”  Then I looked up team stats, and the Brewers are neck-and-neck with the Astros for most hitter Ks in the majors.

Randal Grichuk – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer.  Unlike many hot schmotatoes going into the break, I would grab Grichuk right now and hold him through the break.  He could have a 15+ homer 2nd half, and is worth owning in all leagues.

Mike Leake – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.14.  Never been a huge fan of his, but Leake has been better than his ERA is showing.  He could easily have a 3.30ish ERA in the 2nd half.

Madison Bumgarner – 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 14 Ks, ERA at 1.94.  He has his no-hitter broken up by none other than Jake Lamb.  That was pay back for every Scottish man in the countryside, Lamb effed Bum.

Cody Reed – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 8.39.  Looking like a Peg Boy so far, but he’s been crazy unlucky.  His 10.6 K/9 and 3.79 xFIP tell a different story than his ERA.  Not a story I’m buying into in mixed leagues yet, but it’s a story I’m reading a sample chapter of.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer.  Only needs 30 homers in the 2nd half to get to 50!  Okay, it’s slightly absurd, but if any guy can do it, you know Giancarlo is the one.  Imagine he actually did it…*wavy lines*  Giancarlo just hit his 50th homer!  This is so awesome!  Wait, why is the camera dollying backwards?  Oh, no, it’s revealing I’m in prison for violating my restraining order.  Most bittersweet yet cinematic dream sequence ever!  *wavy lines*

J.T. Realmuto – 1-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 8th and 9th steals.  Hopefully, he’s only using the Red Bulls Dee Gordon left behind.

Max Kepler – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, a grand slam.  Has five homers in his last nine games.  This would also make it the fifth time in the last nine games I’ve told you to pick him up.  Ya’ll got some cat-like reflexes.  I mean that as in a cat that is sleeping on the couch and doesn’t move when you place a remote control on its head.

Kennys Vargas – 1-for-2, 3 runs and his 3rd home run.  That’s in only his sixth game.  Sure, it’s cheating a little that there’s multiple Kennys in his uniform like when you and your buddy were a horse for Halloween.  The Kenny that is acting as Kennys’ arms is doing well though.

C.J. Cron – Hit the DL with a broken left hand.  I blame The Sciosciapath.  If he would’ve just benched him on Friday for no reason whatsoever, this would’ve never happened.  To replace him, the Angels brought up Ji-Man Choi, who is also the answer to, “How bad is the Angels’ depth?”

Nicholas Tropeano – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.12.  SAT Question Alert!  His 1.51 WHIP will mean his ERA:  A) Goes up  B) Goes Down C) There’s no C. D) There’s not enough information to answer

Hyun Soo Kim – Left yesterday’s game with a hamstring strain.  Hyun said he believes in playing if the team’s paying, and Kim chi’s himself making cabbage.

Chris Davis – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .237.  He’s six homers behind teammate, Trumbo, heading into the break, but which Oriole will have the most homers at the end of the year?  I’d lay some odds it’ll be Davis, but I’ve laid some eggs betting against Trumbo this year.

Chris Tillman – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 3.41.  I don’t know what the Stream-o-Nator said about Tillman yesterday, but I will say “vs. the Angels” looks like a strong stream for any pitcher.

Trea Turner – 0-for-4 as he actually started in a game.  What are the Nationals doing, man and five non-men readers?  This is ridiculous.  See anger in Josh Bell’s blurb for further aggravation.

Daniel Murphy – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer.  Here’s his last 162 games:  32 HR, 118 RBI, 103 runs, 207 hits, .323 BA, .931 OPS.  Holy schnikeballs.

Jose Reyes – 2-for-4 and his 2nd and 3rd homers.  Reyes’s choice to use The Prodigy as his walk-up music was probably ill-advised.

Noah Syndergaard – After leaving his Friday start with arm fatigue — it’s pronounced fah-TEE-gay!  It’s Italian! — the Mets said Syndergaard will be ready to go on the 19th in his first start after the break.  The Mets added, “We have one healthy arm for our entire pitching staff and our starters have become quite adept at sharing that arm.”

Steven Matz – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 3.38.  When you consider Syndergaard fatigued up the Mets’ one starter arm on Friday, not a terrible start.

Dallas Keuchel – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.80.  His hideous May (6.63 ERA) is really dragging down his numbers, but he has two other months of at least a 4.30 ERA, so it can’t be said he’s been good outside of May.  He has been solid in July (13 IP, 3 ER), so I could see a flyer on him moving forward, which is a change since I wouldn’t have touched him from March until now.  His Ks are still not all the way there, so I wouldn’t pay much for that flyer.

Lance McCullers – 4 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.79.  McCullers-Cullers-McCullers-Cullers is a nightmare walking, way too much walking pitcher, but I still found a way to sneak him into the 2nd half top 100 that’s coming tomorrow.  Maybe I should’ve left him off, but I have a soft spot for him, which makes me sound impotent.  “Doc, shouldn’t it be a hard spot?”  “Who is this?”  That’s me calling Doc Gooden.