On Saturday, our prayers were answered. No, not the prayer about winning Powerball. Or the prayer about sweatpants becoming the new formalwear. Or the prayer about muttonchops being some magical aphrodisiac. Or the prayer about your mom forgetting that time you accidentally sexted her. Or that prayer about being as successful in real life as you are in fantasy. No, not those. The prayer about Yu Darvish returning and looking as dominant as ever. On Saturday, he threw the fastest pitch of his major league career, throwing three pitches for more than 98 MPH. The line of 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks was solid, but I imagine this will be the start of him reaffirming his place in the top 10 starter conversation. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department sang, “Yu, Yu got what I need…Yu say he just spends Yen…Yu say he just spends Yen…But baby Yuuuuuu,Yu got what I need!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Mitch Moreland – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Fun fact! I like to yell “Mitch Moreland” when Cougs is encroaching on my space in bed. Oh, and hot schmotato alert!
Prince Fielder – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .197. Yes, I said to sell him on Friday and now you actually have an opportunity since this bleb hit a homer.
Jurickson Profar – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .385 in three days. Doubt, with Meryl Streep as a nun, that Profar has an everyday job when Odor returns, but he’s fine for the next four games.
Martin Perez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.12. I wouldn’t own him in a 15-team AL West-only league.
Gregory Polanco – Clint Hurdle benched him yesterday against a lefty with a 5+ K/9. Matchups, I hear ya. Oh, and Hurdle’s playing the lefty Matt Joyce (0-for-3), who really is a matchups-only play, so, yeah. Where’s the emoji of a man standing outside Hurdle’s hotel room throwing feces? Do I have that emoji?
David Freese – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .279. Oh, now I see it, he’s totally a number three hitter. Ow, eye roll headache!
Gio Gonzalez – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 3.57. Juicy Gotcha Krazy! Gio’s now given up 13 runs in his last 9 2/3 IP. In related news, Dusty’s learning who this Lucas Giolito kid is. “You’re saying he’s a rookie?” “But, listen, Dusty! He’s not just a rookie.” “Your lips are moving, but I don’t hear what you’re saying.”
Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.69, and his 9th win. Incredibly, he might be lucky to come in fifth in the Cy Young voting this year. Unless, of course, they give Murray Chass more than one vote.
Anthony Rendon – 2-for-4, 2 runs, and his 4th homer, hitting .267. He’s kinda like Martin Prado without the average. Snap in the “Oh, no he dint” formation.
Wilson Ramos – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .336. This is funny (not funny). On our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater, Ramos is the fifth best catcher. 4th is Welington, but guess who is 6th. Okay, you’ll never guess, unless you are related to her/him. That was a hint. No, not Anibal, he/she is not a catcher. Chris Hermann! “Okay, Sajak, I’d like to start the final round with the letters, W, T and F.”
Jordan Zimmermann – Threw a bullpen session on Sunday and said his groin felt great. Whoa, TMI!
Rich Hill – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.25. Has way more Ks than IP too. So, you’d think he’d be owned in every league, right? Yeah, you’d think wrong. He has a mild groin strain, but that’s nothing compared to what his owners have had all year.
Sean Doolittle – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 3rd save, and as mysteriously as Doolittle lost the closer job to Madson, it seems like it’s now flip-flopped back to Doolittle for the closer role, as Madson entered in the 8th inning yesterday. I guess Beane rang the A’s dugout in between reps on the squat machine. For those that never workout, that’s not a euphemism for the toilet.
Danny Valencia – 3-for-4, 2 runs. Since he appears in at least every third question in the comments, he’s hitting .325 with seven homers in about a month of games. Yes, I like that.
Michael Pineda – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 6.92. Real question: Did Pineda friend the Stream-o-Nator in a chatroom and bribe him with a relationship to give Pineda favorable scores? Is the Stream-o-Nator being Catfished?
Nathan Eovaldi – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.71. His xFIP is way below his ERA (3.37), but so is Pineda’s (3.70), so xFIP is only going to take us so xFIPping far.
Starlin Castro – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer as he continues to bat third, hitting .253. Quite a gent, Starlin, by why do you think Buffalo Bill removes their skins? *pull back to reveal a lovely muumuu made of skin*
Jake Odorizzi – 7 IP, 2 ER, 2 baserunners (1 Hit), 6 Ks, ERA down to 3.36. I mentioned this the other day with Smyly, comparing him to Teheran. How they could be solid, but have no hope for wins. There should a glossary term for pitchers like that, ones with solid peripherals but no chance for wins. Please suggest in the comments. By the way, Rudy added tips for glossary term suggestions at the top of our fantasy baseball glossary.
Madison Bumgarner – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.12, and this game came in Coors. Glad I decided to stop saying Bumgarner would break down because he will never break down. How many pitchers can go into Coors and do well? Ten maybe? So, for the Rockies to challenge for the playoffs without clubbing teams to death like they’re baby seals, they need three to four top ten starters. Just give up on the humidor; it doesn’t matter.
Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.31. Okay, maybe 12 pitchers.
Denard Span – 3-for-5 and his 2nd homer. Or three homers for Benard Spevere.
Matt Cain – Hit the Disgraceful List. I wouldn’t expect him ever to look better again, unless he returns in a DeLorean.
Trevor Story – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer, hitting .270. When did he get moved down to 7th in the order? That’s ridiculous. Gerardo Parra and Mark Reynolds need to be above him? Well, Clint Hurdle did once manage the Rockies. Old habits yadda.
Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, and 3rd homer in four games. Someone’s getting a jump on June swoon.
Michael Brantley – No timetable for his return, which is about as bad as news gets for an injured player, especially one returning from a shoulder injury, unless his doctor simply doesn’t know how to work the calendar on his phone, which is unlikely. If I didn’t have DL room, I could see losing Brantley.
Carlos Santana – 1-for-5 and his 9th homer, hitting .230. We’re still trying Rob Thomas’s buddy as the leadoff hitter, huh? Mean’s while, Rajai (2-for-3) bats ninth? This feels like taking OBP a little too literally. Like someone asks you to hand them the water, and, instead of passing the jug, you pour water into your hand and attempt to hand it to them.
Mike Napoli – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. That’s five homers for every one of his mom’s nipples that we know of. I’d be surprised if he could get to 14 homers/mother’s nipple, but at this point, it’s within the realm of possibility and I’ll enjoy doing the math.
Jason Kipnis – 2-for-5 and his 7th homer, hitting .275. His steals the last few years look like this: 31, 30, 22, 12 and 3 so far. Steals do tend to disappear as a guy gets older, but right now it looks like he’s wearing Sandoval in his pants.
Hyun-soo Kim – 1-for-3 and his 1st career homer. Unless you count his homers in other countries, but we don’t count those aside from Canada, our upstairs neighbor that wears flannel but is not a lesbian. Kim is hitting around .400 in the last week and might be a hot schmotato.
Adam Duvall – 1-for-3 and his 11th homer on Saturday. You looking at the team that picked up Duvall, “Why didn’t I pick him up? And who am I talking to? Maybe if I hold a banana like a phone I won’t seem as crazy.”
Ryan Braun – Missed Saturday and Sunday with neck soreness. Be more appropriate if his name were Ryan Wuss.
Jimmy Nelson – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Reds. I was about to say this was an easy matchup, but he has a 2.89 ERA and the matchups don’t matter, Nelson has been worth owning all year.
Jonathan Villar – 2-for-2, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 18th steal. I’m in a weird place on three teams. I’m in first for steals on all three of them. Since I don’t buy steals-only guys in drafts, it’s not a place I’m usually at. It’s no coincidence that I own Villar on all three of those teams.
Hernan Perez – 1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 7th steal, hitting over .450 in the last week, and has begun to play every day. Yes, hot schmotato, but I’d bet he’s more of an NL-Only play.
Erick Aybar – Hit the DL with a bruised foot. Sounds like nothing until you hear Aybar just bought $300 cowboy boots that he can’t wear now. Where’s the justice?!
Julio Teheran – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA up to 2.77. See Odorizzi about ten inches above, or 14 inches if talking to a girl.
Giancarlo Stanton – Has now been out since last Tuesday with side soreness. I wonder if rubbing something that appears to be lotion on his side would help. I like to think it will.
Derek Dietrich – 3-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .325 and hitting over .350 in the last week, though it would be hard for him to be hitting .325 on the year and be hitting much below that in the last week. Never the hoo! He’s been hot.
Tom Koehler – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 2 Ks vs. the Braves. Well, for those that streamed him because he had two starts last week, did okay. Or I guess that’s o-Koehay. Maybe it’s not that, actually.
Miguel Sano – 1-for-3 and his 11th homer, and a home run for four straight days, and now 10 homers on the year. He’s still hitting below .240, and I don’t think that’s gonna dramatically change. Just so Sano.
Joe Mauer – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .286. As bad as Mauer is, he’s been about five times better than Prince Fielder. Though, technically, Kyle Schwarber has been better than Fielder and he played two games this year.
Eduardo Nunez – 2-for-4, 1 run, and his 9th steal, hitting .338. Has three homers in the past eight games, and hitting near-.400 in the last week. You know what I’m sayin’, so go to it.
Glen Perkins – Resumed a throwing program. He’s still at least a few weeks away, which, as a Kevin Jepsen owner (1 IP, 2 ER yesterday; though really every game), makes my lips straighten horizontal.
Taijuan Walker – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.31. It was not a fun weekend to go against the Twins. They crushed Miley and F-Her too. This was the best weekend for Twins since someone decided to cast Schwarzenegger in a comedy.
Robinson Cano – 2-for-4 and his 15th homer. Uncle, uncle, you win, Cano. I’m sorry I ever doubted you.
Archie Bradley – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks as he was recalled for Sunday’s start, and to likely take Shelby’s rotation spot for a bit. Still, I wouldn’t add him in any shallower mixed leagues yet. His control goes sideways in a big way sometimes, and I don’t mean like Ziegler.
Drew Pomeranz – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 2.48. The Regression Fairies have plans to go to Vegas to see Elton John, they want to fit in their Speedo by July and they will destroy your ratios.
Dallas Keuchel – 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.58. As I’ve been saying, Keuchel is not a 5+ ERA guy, so he will lower his ERA some. Keuchel is more of a 4-ERA guy, and a guy that sounds like the strengthening of the genitals exercise. By the by, imagine you were the Dr. Kegel that Kegel exercises were named after. Talk about something that would come up in every dinner conversation. I wanna see the Showtime TV show about this guy and his family.
Carlos Correa – 1-for-1, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, a pinch-hit, game-winner. Since he didn’t start the game, hopefully there wasn’t too many sonavabenches.
Jose Altuve – 4-for-6, 1 RBI, hitting .323. In case you’re reading fast, that’s four hits out of six at-bats, he’s not four-six. He’s a cop, five-oh.
Carlos Gomez – Will be activated on Tuesday. He’s been straight butter so far this year, if you had high cholesterol and the doctor held up a stick of butter and said, “This will kill you,” but I could see buying Gomez very low right now that maybe he’s built some confidence in the minor leagues and he could have a better rest of the season. Better, not butter, Doc.
C.J. Wilson – Suffered a setback and sounds like he’s gonna be out a while. Here’s what Wilson said to doctors, “What do you mean Head & Shoulders can’t help me?” Then Wilson stared out the doctor’s window to the pouring rain that appeared to him like falling dandruff.
Albert Pujols – 3-for-6, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal, hitting .229. Okay, he didn’t get to .250 by this Monday, but there’s always next Monday. Gotta have faith-faith-faith.
Nicholas Tropeano – 5 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.25. Without looking it up due to laziness, I’m 100% positive the only starts Tropeano hasn’t looked good in are the ones where I streamed him.
Huston Street – Expects to return today. That’s time and half for the state employees who need to open Street on a holiday.
Troy Tulowitzki – Hit the DL with The Curse of Being Tulowitzki.
Marcus Stroman – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 4.46. He’s not this bad, but, objectively, subjectively, interruptively, I didn’t love Stroman coming into this year, and nothing’s changed.
Jose Bautista – 1-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .240, as he continues to leadoff. Yeah, cause it makes much more sense that Devon Travis (1-for-5) is batting fifth. Has John Gibbons been reading Clint Hurdle’s autobiography, “It’s Not Me, It’s You Who Thinks Me Is Stupid.”
Kyle Hendricks – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.93. Is it just me or when you see Hendricks and Baez in the Cubs lineup are you also like, “Joan Baez is playing for the Cubs? That’s so groovy.”
John Lackey – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.16. It feels like there’s about five safe starters in the majors (not talking aces), and four of them are on the Cubs. Is there a twenty-way tie for fifth place? Cute, Random Italicized Voice. You like how I styled my hair? That wasn’t what I meant by cute. Oh, not Seung Hwan.
Miguel Montero – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Feels like a guy that goes on home run binges, so if I had to guess, I’d say Montero will hit another three homers this week. Yes, I realize this could cause more catcher questions.
Ben Zobrist – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .351. I know this isn’t a revolutionary line of thinking, but, when Zobrist is hitting .351, the Cubs are one dangerous team. For those that found this site by Googling, did the British use a line of dangerous cubs in the Revolutionary War? They didn’t. Snopes says so.
Vince Velasquez – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.63. Until further notice, he is strictly a homeschooler. His home ERA is 0.74, road ERA is hideous.
Carlos Rodon – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.24. Since May 10th, he’s lowered his ERA from 4.99, and has close to a K per inning. His walks are still a little iffy, but he’s been inching towards respectability. Why does this matter? Cause Rodon could be a breakout starter, so he’s definitely worth the cyclops.
Salvador Perez – Will miss 7-10 days after a collision with a Cheslor. Salvador didn’t see the Cheslor coming around the corner, and dodged to avoid a Land Rover and Aston-Martin. I don’t own Perez, but let me voice his owners’ frustration, “Oh, just put him on the DL, would ya?”
Lorenzo Cain – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .292. Started the month of May with 2 HRs hitting .230. Kudos to you if you bought low. Yes, Kudos the faux-healthy, chocolate granola bar.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – Suffered a setback, and now an early-June timetable seems impossible. Ryu sad.
Julio Urias – Optioned back to the minors after a lackluster Friday start. Could get the call back at any point. In other words, Urias better sleep with one eye open.
Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.56. He now has 105 Ks on the year, and 5 walks. If I were drinking right then, I would’ve done a spit take.
Kenta Maeda – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Do Japanese baseball games only go 7 IP? Why does Maeda only go five innings every start? Is there a Japanese game show on early and he likes to catch it live? Does he not have a DVR? I got questions, y’all!
Noah Syndergaard – 2 1/3 IP, 0 ER. The game of the week, nationally televised, your sport is trying to win new fans, people spend a lot of money to go to games, they can only afford a game or two a year because it’s so expensive, AND YOU KICK OUT THE MAIN ATTRACTION?! I’m sorry, umpires need to be suspended, fired or castrated. Release Ramsay Bolton on the umpires! No, seriously, this is disgraceful. Imagine a ref would kick Tom Brady out of the game in the first quarter. Yeah, like that would happen. You take an 8-year-old to his first game, and only game of the season because it’s $275 all-told, and you kick out his favorite player. Way to make new fans, douchebags. Oh, and happy Memorial Day.