You missed out on Julio Urias and are like, “I will never miss out on another top prospect call up, I promise you that,” then you stick your pinkie out to pinkie swear with your reflection, only the girl you’re seeing walks in on you pinkie swearing with yourself and you need to come up with an excuse, so you tell her, you’re practicing drinking tea with your pinkie out and that works because you’re dating Princess Iman bint Al-Hussein of Jordan, who your friends were more impressed with when they thought you were dating Michael Jordan’s lesbian daughter. Well, in order to keep your promise to yourself, you Promise Keeper, you need to pick up Jameson Taillon now now now. Not now, not now now, but now now now. Three nows. An extra now when now now is not fast enough. Why now now now? The Pirates skipped him this past week because they want him to throw more in the majors. Now (one now) they are simply sitting on him until they can call him up in the first week of June. I’d guess Niese or Locke get one more start in the rotation, then Jameson will be here. Is he that good? His numbers are kinda ridiculous in Triple-A — 9+ K/9, 0.9 BB/9, 1.82 ERA. I will now climb into my giant iguana skin throw rug and laugh hysterically like a madman. Jameson can be the number one call-up pitcher this year, and should be owned now now now. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Junior Guerra – This guy has me intrigued. Or maybe that’s intriGuerra’d. Actually, no, it’s not that.
Nicholas Tropeano – He’s been worth owning, but this is more of a Stream-o-Nator call. Kinda like when the Stream-o-Nator calls 411 just to talk.
Archie Bradley – With Shelby Miller hitting the Disgraceful List, Archie Bradley will move into the rotation. Before you get your panties all hot and bothered, I’d watch and see what Bradley does for mixed leagues. His control has been atrocious, so he could have some 4 IP, 5 ER-type starts, which is still better than Miller! In NL-Only leagues, I’d obviously grab him.
Sam Dyson – Really? Seriously? Incredulously? What league is he not owned? C’mon.
Ken Giles – He’s been straight butter on the back of a guido’s IROC since he fixed his mechanics. Both, Giles and the guido.
Evan Gattis – How many more games until he’s a catcher? Okay, that how many games until he’s a top three catcher. I nearly made Gattis my lede today, but a lede catcher? Who am I? The Sciosciapath?
Matt Adams – Real question: Adams or Caitlyn Jenner? Kill is a bit harsh, so F or M are your choices. Jenner has money and hanging with her on the links and at family functions seems like it would be fun; Adams has luscious moobs, so this feels like an easy choice to me. As for Adams in fantasy, well, that was my Adams fantasy, as for fantasy baseball, he’s hot.
Tommy Joseph – Uh-oh, I feel my rap alter ego coming on, Yo, yo, yo, it’s B-Fire, and check it. Hitting bombs like To-Jo, check out his swing; rabidding like an auctioneer Cujo, get on it, King. Joseph’s skills are almost my favorite donut, powered; not like my least favorite Phillie do-not, Howard. Rockin’ this a capella, no melody; like that Joseph fella, every Cougar should be Rosselini, Isabella. Joseph’s got the park, his hits have the arc, and he’s got Maikel who should spell his name Maike exclamation mark.
Logan Morrison – This might be the greatest week in the history of Buys to get a waiver wire 1st baseman since that other week that we can’t remember when it was also good to get a 1st baseman. Think I covered my ass there sufficiently.
Justin Bour – This guy fascinates me. I think he’s one of those players that you don’t own all year, then get to September and say something like, “numbers/numbers/numbers/numbers/numbers were Player A and you didn’t own him all year, do you know who he is?” And it’s Bour. Okay, that all made sense in my head.
A.J. Reed – He’s coming soon, y’all. Arenthal James just needs a ride to the majors. Anyone got a Bronco to drive him in?
Jose Ramirez – Over the past week, two 2nd baseman have been more valuable than Ramirez, Cano and Murphy.
Johnny Giavotella – He’s not much more than a hot schmotato, which goes really well with arancini. Right, Mama Giavotella?
Whit Merrifield – Didn’t Littlefinger befriend a Whit Merrifield? At Riverrun? With the Tullys? No? Hmm… Merrifield is not just the adjective used when you and your buddies steal nitrous oxide from your dentist, he’s an AL-Only play too.
Eduardo Nunez – He has two homers in the past week, and I ran out of enthusiasm sometime after the first word of this sentence but let’s see if I can generate some more enthusiasm by the time I reach the end…of…this…senten…ce…Ugh, a little.
Trayce Thompson – I have a serious mancrush on Trayce, or maybe that’s a man-with-woman’s-name crush? Not that either are wrong.
Leonys Martin – He’s out for a few days, so it’s hard to say if he’ll return with the hot bat he left with, but I’d grab him hoping that he does.
Danny Santana – I have one hand at two o’clock, and one hand at six o’clock. Two o’clock is grabbing Santana, six o’clock is scratching my ass. Like a baller!
Adrian Gonzalez – Oh, no, the dreaded Sell low. At some point, like an elevator made of pinatas, the bottom would fall out. There was no way around it. Guys get old. Happens to everyone except me. Generation Y for lyfe! You heard the Me Generation? Generation Y replaces all I’s with Y because we’re concerned about you. A-Gon is A-Gone or A-Went-Buh-Bye. His peripherals look like a mess like you after a night of Goldschlager. His Ks are way up, his BABIP is up and he’s still only hitting .274, his ground balls have hit Denard Span-type levels (or is it Ben Revere?), his line drives are down, his homers per fly ball is actually around his career average and he only has four. Four! Essentially that means, he could be the newest Joe Mauer. I wouldn’t trade him for a dinner date with a male Arquette, but I would explore options.
Prince Fielder – THE BACK-TO-BACK SELL LOW?! NOOOOO!!! We haven’t seen this move pulled off successfully since 2006 with a past-his-prime Jim Edmonds and a carefree Milton Bradley. You thought A-Went-Buh-Bye’s stats looked bad, well, Prince Fielder says, “Those aren’t bad stats….THESE ARE BAD STATS.” His Ks are up, his fly balls are down, his home run total is two. I will now cackle for five minutes. ….And back! Okay, Fielder’s likely not a five-homer hitter on the year, but his rest of the season projections are around 40/14/50/.260. That could be A.J. Reed’s June and July. Mitch Moreland or Fielder? Likely Moreland, and that’s another problem. At some point, the Rangers might start platooning Fielder. I wouldn’t trade him for an onion bagel, but–Actually, that sounds delicious, and Fielder does not.