My years of sitting in French cafes, smoking really long cigarettes and wearing a beret, while sneering at children and puppies, has taken its toll. I’m no longer the innocent fantasy baseballer who picks up just any potential rookie call-up. I have more discerning tastes now. When I was a mere jejune tot, I’d sip a combination of ale and grenadine my bartendress called a Monaco and talk about Super 2’s and so-and-so was going to be the next Ryan Braun-like call-up. I’m no longer a tot; now, I’m a full potato, and I drink gin with extra juniper berries. Crunching on juniper berries, coughing from a tumor, watching cyclists in spandex shorts, carrying baguettes. The days bleed together. I take out my daily planner and pencil, lick the pencil, turn the calendar day to make a note to, “Buy more Virginia Slim 120s,” when I read a note to myself, “It’s almost June, start picking up rookie call-ups, you dipshit!” Ah, yes, Daily Planner Grey has a point. Today, I decided to highlight Trea Turner. At this point, he feels like the number one call-up. A.J. Reed, Jameson Taillon, Tyler Glasnow, Orlando Arcia might make bigger impacts, but the Nats consider themselves a playoff team and they’re in a heated division battle right now. I doubt they let Dusty simply ignore Turner because Espinosa is older. Older really isn’t a reason to play someone. An exec has to relay that to Dusty at some point. Turner looks like he could be a Francisco Lindor-type from last year — 7-10 HRs, 15-18 steals, solid average. Basically, a top ten shortstop from the time he’s called up. I would stash him now–*coughs* Sorry, I accidentally bought Virginia Slim 140s. The extra 20 is killing me. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Devon Travis – Should return any day now, Annie Potts. Will he be thrust back in the leadoff slot? Yeah, I think that will happen. Why do I feel there’s a but coming? Very perceptive, Random Italicized Voice. Well, I am just you in italics. Travis had shoulder surgery, and I’m concerned the road to recovery hasn’t ended when he returns. I could be wrong — “You? Never!” Not now, Delino DeShields drafter. — and I would own Travis, but I’d try to be realistic.
Jurickson Profar – Honestly, seriously, awkward start to the sentencely, I wouldn’t pick up Profar in anything but AL-Only leagues. It’s promising that he’s started to play 2nd base to fill-in for Odor when he goes into detention in Joe Torre’s office, but how long will Odor be out? Not long enough to even waft out an odor in your bathroom.
Tony Kemp – $5 says Matt Kemp and Nyjer Morgan had a baby and it’s Tony Kemp. Well, there goes $5 because Google tells me I’m wrong. Google sure is a no-it-all. Google tells me it’s know-it-all too. Screw you, Google! Kemp has 25-steal speed, but he’s an AL-Only platoon player as of now.
Derek Dietrich – Batting leadoff, but doesn’t have great power or speed, and I’ve already talked myself out of him. He’s a runs play, which is only slightly more exciting than Montezuma’s Revenge runs play.
Jonathan Schoop – You might want to put on your aluminum foil hat for this to avoid having your mind blown, but Schoop is going to end the year with 25 HRs, .260 average and you’re gonna be like, “Why didn’t I just own him all year?”
Yan Gomes – Yan can hit! And so can you! Though, I’m not picking you up. No offense. Literally.
Evan Gattis – This is a little bit about him getting catcher eligibility, but also about short-term value with what Hitter-Tron is seeing. Well, seeing besides the sticky pages of its Popular Mechanics magazine.
Steve Pearce – One part hot schmotato, one part “Is he even hot anymore?” One part “Yes, he is hot,” one part “You didn’t even check to see if he’s still hot, did you?” One part “Shut up,” one part “These aren’t even parts anymore, these are asides.”
A.J. Reed – Here’s what I said the other day, “I think (Tony) Kemp, (Colin) Moran and Tyler White as like those bags of sand in the Indiana Jones movie that he moves into place to avoid triggering the alarm. One of these days, the Astros will just miss getting a bag of sand in place and A.J. Reed will emerge.” And that’s me quoting me!
C.J. Cron – I keep waiting for him to get hot and I’m still waiting, but I do trust him to come around at some point. I guess with Curtis Jackson Cron I’m patiently waiting.
Justin Smoak – Where’s there’s Smoak, there’s everyone else at the corner slot on waivers being lousy! Hmm, not that catchy.
Tommy Joseph – He has power and should be on the strong side of the Phillies’ first baseman platoon, but will likely be on the weak side of it to start. Who knows, maybe every Phillie fans’ dream of Howard suddenly retiring will come true.
Jake Lamb – Why is it taking everyone so long to grab Lamb? He’s gamey for anything!
Colin Moran – Some have speculated that the Astros called up Moran because George Bush Sr. was overheard screaming “We need Moran!” but he was actually just asking Barbara to call for one of his sons. Not much here outside of AL-Only leagues, and in AL (or NL) leagues, anyone getting at-bats is worthwhile.
Tyler Goeddel – Likely an NL-Only play, but he did have 12 HRs, 28 SBs and a .279 average in Double-A last year. He could be overmatched being in the majors, but he has to stay there or the Phils will lose him to another team. It’s a Rule 5 dealio. Between Rule 5’s and Super Two’s, you need a solar calculator and a clear day to make sense of all of this.
Jonathan Villar – So, he’s cooled off a bit. I mean, in the last three games, he only has two steals. That’s what? A 140 steal pace? P to the fft!
Jose Reyes – “My only regret was too young for Gary Gaetti. My only regret was too young for Eric Davis. Now all I’m left with is memories of L.J. Hoes on the Astros…” Sorry, was just singing J. Cole. Um, Reyes, yeah, he’ll likely be traded within the next two weeks or a bench player for the Rockies. I could see stashing him expecting him to end up on the Angels or somewhere where (stutterer!) he’ll play.
Khris Davis – You, “Fantasy Master Lothario, your mustache drives me crazy in my nethers, but why don’t you list Danny Valencia in your Buys?” Valencia is over 50% owned, which is the arbitrary cutoff for these posts like your nadbag is your arbitrary cutoff for your jorts. So, here’s Davis, who was below 50% as of this writing, but he could be over that mark too by now. So, take this blurb to mean I’d own Valencia and Davis if they’re available in your league. Also, I just gave you my Khris Davis fantasy and Danny Valencia fantasy. Both were written with the express written consent of Major League Baaseball, which is a fraudulent operation that poses as MLB.
Rajai Davis – I just went over The King of SAGNOF this morning. Use your scrolly finger and have at it.
Will Harris – I don’t believe the Astros will have as much faith in Gregerson as they’ve showed up until this point. Of course, if Gregerson strings together a few saves, then we’re back to square one and he’d need to blow another three to four games in a row to be in real danger. Ken Giles is also in consideration for saves, even if he is behind Harris in the pen, because Giles was the closer for three months before games began.
Joaquin Benoit – There’s a bunch of speculative SAGNOF grabs this week, and next week there may be none, so act fast, Cousin Sweatpants.
Jameson Taillon – My guess is he’ll be up first between Glasnow and him. My guess is best delivered with a smile and an extra helping of dimples.
Jerad Eickhoff – There’s more Stream-o-Nator calls for the next few days than I’ve seen in a while. That will likely be the case moving forward too because as we get further into the season, the SON shines on more guys as sample sizes grow — that’s what she might’ve said but probably not in this context!
Ian Kinsler – Guilty as charged, I used the Buysellatops, our Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell Tool, for this Sell. The Buysellatops is the last remaining dinosaur, unless you count Zsa Zsa Gabor. Fun fact! Zsa Zsa used to sign her name like Zorro but instead of slashing the initial with a sword, she used Conrad Hilton’s toe dipped in ink. So, Kinsler, or as he’s known to all the Jewish boys and five girls, Kid Dish, has been insanely hot. He has 10 homers, and only had 11 last year, and only 17 the year before and 13 the year before–You get the drift. He’s playing slightly above his head with power. He is hitting more fly balls, but his HR/FB is above any previous year, and unsustainable. He could hit ten homers the rest of the year, so in two months, you got 50% of his power. I wouldn’t sell him for a ticket to see Hamilton (George Hamilton, not the Broadway show), but I would explore options.