“Hey, I’ll take two home runs from Khris Davis and be more than happy.  Oh, who am I kidding?  I’ll take one homer.  Gently farting in your direction, Prince Fielder.  Three homers?  Well that is too much for my little old heart.”  So began the monologue I told myself in my mirror last night.  I was wearing a fedora with a feather in it and no pants.  That’s added color for you to understand the scene.  Then, it was the ninth, the A’s in the lead and Davis’s night looked over with two homers until.  Dot dot dot.  Ian Desmond homered off Ryan Madson and sent the game into the bottom of the ninth inning.  Khris Davis came up to the plate, bases loaded, already with two homers on his scoresheet, could he hit one more?  Could my monologue presented to my reflection come to fruition?  Could my neighbors stop screaming for me to put on pants?  Yes on all three!  Finished the night with 3-for-5, 6 RBIs and three homers (9, 10, 11).  I had Davis ranked around eight rounds higher than anyone else because I thought he could easily hit 30 homers in an age when 30 homers doesn’t come that easily.  Has anything changed since the preseason?  Yeah, the date.  Dur.  I love Khris Davis and right now looks even better than his namelganger, Chris Davis.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mark Canha – Underwent season-ending hip surgery.  Yeah, him and every roller derby celeb!

Danny Valencia – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer.  The A’s are making the Coliseum look small.  Kinda like the Roman soldier they sewed an extra six limbs onto and sent in to fight a lion.  Hey, it was a different time.

Jesse Hahn – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks.  I’d hold off on adding him just yet.  Or just talk to the Hahn about adding more Ks.

Rougned Odor – 2-for-5, 1 run.  MLB said, “Smell ya later” to Odor for 8 games.  I thought the suspension would be longer due to the high profile nature of the beatdown, but others were right.  Oh well, first time I was wrong.  “What’s that?”  Shut up, Delino DeShields.  Odor will appeal the suspension and/or say he’ll appeal the suspension then suddenly drop the appeal on a Tuesday right after weekly fantasy lineups lock.

Jurickson Profar – Started at 2nd base yesterday in the minors, which means the Rangers might call the Jurickson store when Odor serves his suspension.  A whole eight games from Profar doesn’t strike me as worth stashing, but I’m sure someone will ask if they should drop Rendon, Eugenio or Lawrie for him.

Shawn Tolleson – 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 9.20.  If it’s silly that Gregerson hasn’t been replaced yet, it’s idiotic that Tolleson is still the Rangers closer.  I think that idiocy is about to end for good though.  If Sam Dyson isn’t owned in your league, I wanna be in your league.  Send me an invite.  Thanks.

Yu Darvish – Made another successful rehab start yesterday and I need him back like yesterday from the DL, but he’ll likely make one more rehab start before returning.  Be safe, Yu marvelous sexy beast!

Nomar Mazara – 2-for-5 and his 5th homer, hitting .307.  I’ve seen him compared to a young Jermaine Dye.  Not a bad comparison, I will call him, Fresh Ink.

Mallex Smith – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs with two home runs (2, 3).  Not much for eating my vegetables, but how about that strong bean!?  This might be the most improbable two-homer game since Rabbit Maranville homered twice off Steve Howe in a pickup game in heaven.  Howe was carousing pretty hard with Billy Martin, Babe Ruth and Fatty Arbuckle prior to the game.  Fatty said every time someone said “However” with air parenthesis around the “ever,” Howe had to do a shot.  “Howe (ever), I’d like to have sex with Ty Cobb’s sister.”  That was a drunk Babe Ruth.  Air parenthesis are a big thing in heaven.

Juan Nicasio – 5 IP, 4 ER vs. the Braves.  Ray Searage watching Nicasio is like the face of a 5-year-old finding out there’s no Santa.  Everything they thought they knew, false.

John Jaso – 3-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .296.  Telling you stats about a white guy with dreads makes me an informer!  Sing it, John Ja-Snow!

Francisco Cervelli – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd steal, hitting .289.  As someone who has periodically owned Cervelli this year, let me be the one to tell you, you’re not going to enjoy owning him.  He yawnstipates.

Gregory Polanco – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .307.  Where’s the people that were giving me crap for ranking Polanco about seven rounds prior to everyone else?  They sure are quiet now.

Jose Berrios – Was optioned down to Triple-A.  Presidential nominee, Pat Dean, will take his rotation spot.  Berrios will join Buxton in the minors as Twins fans prepare to have their dreams for 2017 dashed soon enough.  “In 2029, we’re gonna have Joe Mauer Jr. at catcher and–Did that radio announcer that is on a bluetooth cereal box because there’s no more radios in 2029 just say Mauer has a concussion of his hand?  Stupid Stephen Hawking Jr. for finding that hand brain!”

Phil Hughes – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 5.70.  Paul Molitor said Hughes is battling shoulder fatigue and “Have I mentioned my 39-game hitting streak?”

Miguel Sano – 1-for-2 and his 7th homer, hitting .239.  Now has two homers in last two games.  Just the way Nicholas Sparks wrote it in The Sanotebook.

Joe Mauer – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer.  A third of the way to six!  You can do it Mauer!  Think of all of those Minnesotan women in oversized sweaters rooting for you.

J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, and fifth homer in the last eight games.  Member when you wanted to sell him away for Colby Rasmus and a can of beans?  Shame on you and your bean obsession.

Ian Kinsler – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer.  You know how in old timey baseball guys would be nicknamed Kid (and in the world of rap-rock) ?  They should call Kinsler, Kid Dish.  When your curve is flat like your unleavened bread, you can’t pass over the Kid Dish!

Cameron Maybin – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal, 2nd in as many games.  Yeah, he’ll get hurt again in the next two weeks, but that doesn’t mean you can’t own him in the mean’s while.

Luke Gregerson – 1 IP, 1 ER and his 3rd blown save this week.  I mean, seriously, it’s silly now.  The Astros have not one, but two competent relievers behind him.  I know, Giles hasn’t looked good, but he was cuckhold’d and can be a lights out closer.  Or there’s Will Harris, who has just been incredible.  Harris is the obvious replacement, but I wouldn’t be shocked if they give Giles back his balls (to the ninth).

Colin Moran – Was called up by the Astros.  Colin Moran is Joanie and Chachi’s child, and a light power corner man.  He’s like a Tyler White-lite.  I will call him Tyler Translucent.  Moran’s likely a temp fill-in until Reed comes up in June.

Tyler White – 3-for-4 and two homers (6, 7) and his first productive day in about a month.  Apparently, Colin Moran is a mouth breather, because White could feel it breathing down his neck from miles away.  White could be getting hot again, but now he’s going to lose playing time to Moran, unless the Moran call-up was a ploy to light a fire under White.

Carlos Gomez – Hit the Disgraceful List with, “Hasn’t been good in two years.”

Evan Gattis – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, but as a DH.  Do we really need Jason Castro to continue to be a thing?  Astros have this infatuation with flatulence sometimes.  See Marwin and Valbuena.

Dallas Keuchel – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.43 vs. Carlos Rodon 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.73.  These two pitchers are also featured on many fantasy teams with this managerial approach to their pitching, “Well, it can’t get much worse, so I’m just starting them.”

Todd Frazier – Didn’t start yesterday due to an illness.  The clubhouse guy they call Willie, whose name is actually Tom, said don’t eat the egg salad.  He said it.

Jose Abreu – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer.  Okay, no foolsies, please get crazy hot.  I need you.

Rubby de la Rosa – Will be skipped next time out due to his groin.  Guess he’s just lucky his name isn’t Stabby.

Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.08.  Will he get his ERA under 4 this year?  I’m not sure, but, out of curiosity, how many games will he face the Padres?

Jake Lamb – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  I wish I owned him everywhere.  This much is true, a novel by Basebally Lamb.

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and two steals (4, 5).  Does it suck that he’s only batting .232?  Yes, of course, but that also means he’s going to hit .400 one of these months and still end the year with a .300 average.

Phil Coke – Designated for assignment.  Coke’s assignment is to become the number one soft drink on the planet.  I wasn’t paid to say that but I would like to be.

Michael Pineda – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.60.  I said I dropped him after his 2nd start of the season.  Not entirely sure why people are asking if they should start him still, but I wouldn’t own him.

Starlin Castro – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer.  Don’t you want to put an apostrophe at the end of his first name?  Starlin’?  Meh, maybe it’s just me.

Madison Bumgarner – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.45.  This game came against the Padres, which is a totally fair matchup.  Surprised this wasn’t a closer game.  Ow, eye roll headache!

David Wright – Sat out yesterday with a back issue of Men’s Health and the Podiatric Journal of Medicine’s swimsuit issue.  “Ooh, what a sexy gladiator sandal…”

Lucas Duda – Didn’t start yesterday due to a back issue, as well.  Must be something in the air.  Germs!  Germs are in the air!  AHHHHH!

Steven Matz – Will be back in the rotation for Friday’s start.  Matzel Tov!

Curtis Granderson – 2-for-2 and his 7th homer, hitting .212.  Up until yesterday, if you saw Granderson on your team, you wanted a Curtis-y flush.

Michael Conforto – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, hitting .283.  This will be the last year you are able to get him at a Conforto-able price.

Noah Syndergaard – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.19 vs. Max Scherzer 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.01.  This felt like a first round playoff matchup.  Of course, if this were a playoff game, Daniel Murphy would’ve homered and Donald Trump would’ve thrown out the first pitch, then stayed in to pitch the first inning for both teams, because as he says, “Reagan did it.”

Anthony Rendon – 1-for-3 as he was dropped to sixth in the order.  I wonder if Trea Turner can play 3rd and short simultaneously.

Chris Archer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA down to 4.38.  Hey, I’ll take it, but I can’t say the walks have me doing cartwheels dressed as Carol Channing, which the universal sign for everything’s great.

Brad Miller – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs, was hitting in the .100’s over the last week and hadn’t been good in my mind since he was the second coming of Cano.  Ah, good times!

Kevin Kiermaier – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI.  Okay, just about everyone on the Rays had some hitting-action last night, but Kiermaier has a six-game hitting streak with a homer in that time.  Granted, he only had one hit each game, but it’s something.  Like herpes is something.

Brandon Guyer – 1-for-6, 2 runs, 1 RBI, and 1st steal, hitting leadoff.  Finally, a hot schmotato from Tampa!  Guyer had two homers on Sunday — glad I have a 72-hour memory bank! — and has been hitting near-.350 in the last week.

Marcus Stroman – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.23.  For most pitchers yesterday, it was not a good day to get out of bed.  Let’s leave it as an off day like that Tuesday you wore sweatpants out of the house.  And by Tuesday I mean 2009.

Jose Bautista – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer.  When Pillar went to high five him, Bautista flinched real bad.

Alfredo Simon – 4 1/3 IP, 10 ER.  Alfredo got creamed.

Tony Cingrani – 1 IP, 0 ER and Ross Ohlendorf 1 IP, 0 ER.  In the same game!  Clean innings from back-to-back Reds relievers!  Too bad they were down by 12 runs.

Michael Brantley – Received an anti-inflammatory for his shoulder.  Or he received a placebo.  We’ll never know.

Danny Salazar – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.80, as he was staked to the huge lead and cruised out to the iVictory Coast for a free night at the W while watching Oliver Stone’s W in his room after just starting to surf the internet by simply typing WWW.

Rajai Davis – 3-for-3, 4 runs, 3 RBIs, and five for his last seven.  I picked The King of SAGNOF up for Monday’s batty call, he wouldn’t leave in the morning and I let him stay for the 2nd day.  Maybe I’ll just let him hot schmotato around my team for a week.  I’m in love!

Lonnie Chisenhall – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI.  An opposing pitcher is unable to defend Chisenhall when he does that “I’m pinching your head” thing.

Eduardo Rodriguez – Had a setback with his knee.  I.e., I before E except in e-i, e-i, oh, I wouldn’t expect anything from him for at least another two months.

Joe Kelly – Expected to return on Saturday.  And not a moment too soon, said every hitter in the major leagues not on the Red Sox.

Rick Porcello – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 3.51.  He looked so promising up until this game, so what happened?  I picked him up.  Mea culpa.

Travis Shaw – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .329.  You know who his stats remind me of?  What we should’ve been getting from the bleb, Sandoval.

Yordano Ventura – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.85.  Hey, he got the win.  Lowercase yay.  This was still not a good start.  He hasn’t looked right all season, and I’d be seriously exploring waivers to replace him.

Eric Hosmer – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer.  I was thinking Hosmer felt like he was hitting for more power this year, so I went back to his game log from last year.  He hit his 7th homer last year on…Guess.  June?  July?  Actually, three days earlier on May 14th.  Oh well.

Daniel Nava – Headed to the DL with a groin injury.  No lie, I own Nava in one very deep league, and I didn’t even realize he was off the DL from his last injury.  Saves me a move!

Huston Street – Hopes to be ready to rejoin the Angels around Memorial Day because ‘Murica needs saves.

Clayton Kershaw – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks.  In 70 IP, he has 88 Ks and 4 walks.  That’s ridiculous.

Corey Seager – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, and his 5th homer in the past week.  Sure doesn’t seem as obvious that Correa will be the better shortstop this year between the two.  Long season, things change.  Either way, right now, the Player Rater is absolutely stacked with shortstops.

Joc Pederson – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homers.  Glad to see him moved up to the five hole in the lineup, but it’s likely only because A-Gon was out yesterday.  If it is a temp situation, he should make sure to steal the stapler.

Joaquin Benoit – Was activated from the DL.  Cishek, which sounds like a chorus in a Missy Elliot song, hasn’t been good recently, and Benoit could be the handcuff, so if you need to vulture some SAGNOF, get sniping.

Wade Miley – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.32.  I like him in the right matchups per the Stream-o-Nator, but I think Miley should stop twerking after every pitch.

Nelson Cruz – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 8th homer.  I don’t own him; I only say this as an observer of baseball things — baseballings? — Cruz is overdue for a 12-homer in 15-day stretch.

Kyle Seager – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer.  He was hitting .163 on May 1st.  He’s now hitting .254.  Yup.

Wei-Yin Chen – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Phils.  Chen doesn’t look totally off, but he doesn’t look totally right either.  While I’m working with these hedges, would you like me to move in the patio chairs?

Vince Velasquez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.42.  Someone commented yesterday they weren’t sure if it was worth owning Velasquez anymore.  He has a sub-2.50 ERA and a 11 K/9.  H to the Mm…

Tommy Joseph – 3-for-4 and his 1st homer as he plays 1st base, bats cleanup and hangs up on people who thinks he’s Caleb Joseph.  “Wrong number.  Ugh you all!”  That’s Tommy Joseph sick of getting wrong number calls.  “You rang?!”  That’s Dan Uggla getting the wrong idea from Joseph’s wrong number frustration.  Joseph has power (6 HRs in 27 games in Triple-A), but looks like he’s in a platoon with Howard at 1st base.  If the Phils DFA Howard (wishful thinking) or trade him (very wishful thinking), then I’m intrigued.

Emmanuel Burriss – 0-for-1.  Good to see Emmanuel surface again on the Phils.  Phillies assistant GM, George Papadopoulos spearheaded the adoption.

Chase Anderson – 8 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.32.  If Anderson faced the Cubs seven more times, he wouldn’t come close to this good of a game again ever because baseball.

Jonathan Lucroy – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer.  Anyone in North Carolina?  I need you to break into JB’s house and steal the voodoo doll he has of me.  It’s the house with the giant Joe Ross Fathead.

Joe Nathan – Signed by the Cubs.  Nathan will top himself in neon relish and star in the newly-established Cubs 7th inning Hot Dog race.

Jason Heyward – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer.  *can’t believe own eyes, splashes water into eyes, realizes that’s not water but hydrogen peroxide from Cougs’ face mask mixture*  “Yes, doctor in the ER, my eyes are burning.  Please help!  You know what, forget the eyes, I don’t want help with those!  I need someone to look at the box score and tell me that Heyward really homered.”