I’d like to dedicate this post to all the mothers out there, and to the most important mother in most of our lives, Manny Machado. The Oxford Dictionary defines mother, “something that is an extreme or ultimate example of its kind especially in terms of scale.” So, one can say that Manny Machado is the mother of all shortstops and 3rd basemen. Yesterday, on Machado’s Day, a true mother in the most arcane sense, he went 2-for-4, 6 RBIs with two homers (8, 9). He’s gaining shortstop eligibility for next year because Hardy hurt himself and the Orioles realized that necessity is the Machado of invention. So, next year, is there any way he’s not in the top three overall for all of fantasy? I guess if he gets hurt. Did I just jinx him? What a Machado f**ker! Whatever the case, there’s no way I can pay you back, but the plan is to show you that I understand; you are appreciated. Sweet Manny, don’tcha know, I love ya (Dear Machado). Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. I picked him up on Friday because the Hitter-Tron liked him this weekend, and am holding him until he cools off. Alvarez is the type to hit five homers in a week, which might be confirmation bias or some other term I learned in Psych 101. Maybe it was the Odubel Complex.
Mark Trumbo – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .325. Who was the jackhole who said to sell him on Friday? I am that hole of jack. I stand by that; he’ll be hitting .275 by July or injured. Mark my words! Not with a permanent marker. Now, you’ve written on your computer screen.
Jonathan Schoop – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .257. *pulls into driveway, looks into the backseat, realizes you dropped kids off but didn’t pick them back up from the mall* Now replace mall with waivers and kids with Schoop.
Joey Rickard – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .286. Rickard is like the Chris Tillman (6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.05) of hitters. You prolly will find guys on waivers you want more than Rickard (or Tillman) in mixed leagues, but in AL-Only leagues, these are the kind of guys that can win your league.
Gregory Polanco – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer as he continues to bat third. I don’t want to ruin a good thing, but am I the only one that thinks it’s completely bonkers how a manager could think a guy is an eight-hole hitter one day, then the team’s three-hole hitter the next day? I mean, I never thought Polanco was an eight-hole hitter, but Hurdle must’ve, right?
Adam Wainwright – Went against Jeff Locke on Saturday. Here’s an experiment. One pitcher went 6 IP, 3 ER and has a 4.68 ERA. One pitcher went 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER and has a 6.30 ERA. Do you know which one has the 6.30 ERA? Do you care? Would you own Locke if he had a 6.30 ERA? Then why do you own Wainwright? These are questions for you later today when you pretend to go to the bathroom for 20 minutes to avoid your family.
Jesse Hahn – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER and optioned back to Triple-A. Jesse has a trend. Yeah, I know it’s not been a good trend to shine. Lately something’s changed it ain’t hard to define, Jesse wants to let it hurl but the A’s want it refined. And Billy Beane’s watching him with those eyes! And he’s loving’ him with that body, I just know it’s the other Billy Bean.
Kendall Graveman – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 5.74. Graveman has really sunk. Pun points!
Brandon Phillips – 0-for-4, but two homers on Saturday, and five homers in the last five days. Six days ago, The Ghost of Marge Schott floated into Cincy on the cloud of Pall Mall smoke, flicked a magic cigarette ash by the 2nd base bag where Phillips stands, said something mildly racist and floated away. Since that day, well, you see the results. Magic Pall Mall ash doesn’t last longer than a week, so I expect Phillips to return to hitting weak grounders soon.
John Lamb – Left yesterday’s game with a lead in the 4th due to a problem with his pitching hand. The baseball scorer, which is the greatest, easiest, most ridiculous job in the world after pretending to be Banksy, should be able to award the win to Lamb, because I streamed him and can’t buy a frickin’ win.
Adam Duvall – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, and four homers in the last seven games. All last week I said Duvall was a hot schmotato, now, all this week, I’ll wonder why you don’t pay attention.
Aaron Hill – 1-for-4, but three homers on Saturday. One person had Hill and Phillips on Saturday in a DraftKings contest, their username was BiffTannen1955.
Jimmy Nelson – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.74. On Saturday, everyone got a chance to turn and point at Nelson and derisively laugh, ‘Ha HA!’
Scooter Gennett – Ready for his rehab assignment. Call him, Training Wheels Gennett.
David Price – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.75. Red Sox manager, John Farrell, said Price is healthy. That’s exactly what you want to hear. Next thing that’s coming, the Red Sox saying he needs Tommy John surgery. Maybe Price is putting too much pressure on himself to turn around his season. Like each game is the playoffs.
Steven Wright – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.52. The Red Sox spent all of that money in free agency during the offseason and all they needed to find Steven Wright was scout the comedy clubs. There is a bit of precedent here for a knuckleballer doing nothing his whole career then appearing to be a Cy Young pitcher for a year — see R.A. Dickey. Can Wright do the same? I suppose, but do to the unpredictable nature of the knuckler, I wouldn’t mess with him. By the way, Steven Wright says,”Hilary Clinton is running for precedent.”
David Ortiz – 2-for-4 and two homers (8, 9). All kidding aside, why retire if you’re Ortiz? Obviously he can still hit, and that’s all he does. How much does he work each year? Maybe a combined twelve hours? Few minutes in the on-deck circle, few minutes in the batter’s box, few minutes running around the bases.
Julio Urias – Dodgers manager and playoff base stealer, Dave Roberts, said Urias could join the team in a bullpen role. The Dodgers asked Urias if he thought he could handle a bullpen role and he gave them his patented three-minute wink.
Ross Stripling – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 Hit, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.82. Yo, T Pain, tell ’em! I fell in love wit’ a Stripling. Yo, prematurely balding man, tell ’em! She usually charges $25 for a dance, but only charged me $20. So, our love is mutual. Stripling barely had an under-4 ERA in Double-A last year, so his success is obviously goofy like Elizabeth Warren. I’d do some fantasy baseball streaming on Stripling with the Stream-o-Nator, but it would have to be a bit deeper of a league than your uze 12’er mixed.
Joc Pederson – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, hitting .275. Did Mattingly move on with the one stipulation that Joc needs to bat at the bottom of the lineup and Justin Turner (0-for-3) needs to bat third? Cause that shizz has stopped being cute. Turner seemed like a late bloomer last year, but that carriage is a pumpkin, and he’s a platoon/utility player that should not be batting third.
Marco Estrada – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.39. Light bulb! Jays should trade for Jimmy Nelson, Jungmann, Davies and Wily Peralta and fix them like they fixed Estrada and not like how Chris Martin fixed Gweny.
Justin Smoak – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting over .400 in the last week with two homers. Hot schmotato alert!
A.J. Griffin – Left Saturday’s game with shoulder stiffness. The weight of carrying around that xFIP finally got to him.
Adrian Beltre – 1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and two homers on Saturday, which comes about three days after I said he looked like he couldn’t hit a ball out of Coors. I got me some prescience, which is a word Carl Everett is scared of.
Delino DeShields – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Watch him get hot now. All kidding aside, he is a solid three-game series away from being exactly where we thought he would be. Just call me Delino DeLusion.
Bobby Wilson – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer, a grand slam. Wilson’s homer gave the Rangers the win over the Tigers, and just last week Wilson was traded from the Tigers to the Rangers. After the game, Wilson said through a translator, “I’m just happy to help my new team.” The translator was another volleyball with a face drawn on it.
Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA down to 5.40. Verlander works best under pressure, and Kate Upton said he needed to abandon the curve or she would.
Ervin Santana – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER as he returned from the DL. The Ervin Berlin Wall separates the owned pitchers from the free and Ervin stays on the free side, and, remember, you can’t spell Ervin Santana without EST, which is an outgrowth of the human potential movement, though I agree with Felicity, it seems like BS, and can’t we kill Pastor Tim at Epcot?!
Tyler Duffey – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.60. So hard for me to trust a guy like Duffey that tops out at 90 MPH, but his xFIP (3.50), K-rate (8.8) and walk rate (2.1) are all solid. I’d be lying if I said I was picking him up, but there’s a case to be made for it. I’m obviously not making that case.
Avisail Garcia – 2-for-3, 2 runs, hitting .450 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Jose Quintana – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.38. Funny (not funny) that the White Sox are doing so well as a team thanks to their pitching (2.84 team ERA), when I think most would’ve thought it was their hitting. Is Chicago ready for an all-Chicago World Series? I’m gonna guess no.
Gio Gonzalez – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.19 vs. Jason Hammel 5 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 1.85. The Favorable Matchup Gods have been to every one of Gio and Hammel’s starts prior, but, on Saturday, they were in Teaneck, New Jersey where a father was playing his 11-year-old in Trivial Pursuit.
Jake Arrieta – 5 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.13. Not to sound like a broken record, but his peripherals just haven’t been as good as last year thus far, but his peripherals just haven’t been as good as last year thus far, but– Sorry.
Javier Baez – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Since he didn’t start, I’ll say it for you — sonavabench!
Travis d’Arnaud – Had a setback with his shoulder and Terry Collins called the news “pretty discouraging.” Sure hope Ron Popeil didn’t draft d’Arnaud, Hundley or Mesoraco, because you have to check in, and there’s no set it and forget it here.
Bartolo Colon – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.82. In this game, he also pitchslapped James Shields (6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners 5 BBs, 8 Ks, 3.60 ERA). The home run by Bartolo was the most impressive action ever by a Colon in San Diego that didn’t involve expelling a drug-filled condom.
Matt Harvey – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.50. Before we declare Harvey back, let’s see it again vs. a major league team.
Andrew Cashner – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K, but left with a hamstring cramp. Take two weeks until you’re back in Petco because no one’s starting you in away games anyway.
Mike Moustakas – Hit the DL with a broken thumb. It always astounds me how poor team doctors are for players being paid millions of dollars. A nurse in an elementary school, who is really a sexual predator disguised as a nurse, could diagnosis a broken thumb, yet for five days the Royals said Moustakas had a bruise.
Cheslor Cuthbert – 1-for-4 as he takes over 3rd base for the Royals. His name sounds like it would only come up in situations like this: “Did you know our butler’s real name was Cheslor Cuthbert?” as someone reads an obituary. Cheslor Cuthbert doesn’t have much fantasy value for mixed leagues, but he can sure open a door.
Ian Kennedy – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.13. I swear to you, I’ve only owned Kennedy for one start all year and it was the one start where he was hit around (5 IP, 5 ER vs the Angels). Might’ve been the only start where he gave up runs. I have about as much luck with Kennedy as the Kennedys had with staying alive.
Eric Hosmer – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. You can’t Hosmer without homers! And you can’t spell Eric without rice, and I’m hungry.
Josh Tomlin – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.72, and moves his record to 5-0. Through 29 innings, he has two walks. He’s about one K per nine away from being a guy that could have a good Phil Hughes-type year, but is currently in the bad Phil Hughes-type year area. The Stream-o-Nator does like his next start though, so I’d stream him for one start, then reevaluate.
Mike Napoli – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. Since I’m obsessed with his moms, I wonder if she’s showing her nipples in photos taken in Cleveland. That custom of hers feels more like a big city thing. Maybe I should send her a politely-worded email and ask.
Martin Prado – 4-for-5, 1 run, hitting .396. At the end of this game yesterday, Prado led the majors in average. Up until this year, the most likely inference from that would be Prado is the most average player.
Jonathan Gray – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks. Now has back-to-back gems, which will do him no good when he goes back to Coors for his next start. Unfortunately, I can’t endorse Gray. Damn, I sound like my dad.
Jeff Samardzija – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.17, which is also Cougs’s home area code. Cougs better not be sleeping with Samardzija!
Taijuan Walker – Left Friday’s game early with a sore neck, but played catch on Sunday, and felt fine. Then he walked into the horizon with the backup catcher, and, as their silhouettes faded into the distance, Cat’s in the Cradle played.
Robinson Cano – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer, and his 3rd homer this weekend. I give up; you win; please stop.
Lance McCullers – Could return this week. I’m getting Aroldis and McCullers back in the same week? What have I done to deserve such wonderful? Was it the time I helped get that kitten out of a tree? Was it when I rescued that drowning man? Was it when I called the police on a drug dealer and then said it was this guy I didn’t like that snitched?
Dallas Keuchel – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks. Still not pitching close to where he was the last two years peripheral-wise, but his xFIP is more than a run below his ERA, and he does seem more like a 3.60 ERA guy than his current 4.70.
Collin McHugh – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.50. Put that in one hand, and his next start at Fenway in your other hand and you have two empty hands. How can you put a start in a hand? Are you daft?
Evan Gattis – Was sent down to…Hmm, a pitcher is sent down to stretch out his arm, but a player sent down to practice being catcher is what? Sent down to fold his knees? Crouch his gams? Stretch out his mitt? Not sure, but Gattis has caught before so he shouldn’t need much time to become the Astros catcher, maybe a week to two (stutterer!). If you’re struggling at catcher, I’d stash him now.
Jose Altuve – 2-for-3, 2 runs and 3 steals (11, 12, 13). That’s a steal for every syllable of his nickname, Monchichi.
Adonis Garcia – Sent down to Triple-A. Isn’t he, like, the Braves 2nd best hitter? He was tied for 2nd in homers, RBIs, 3rd in runs and their 4th best average hitter. Granted, all of those marks would be dead last on a major league team, but, seriously, dubya tee eff?
Shelby Miller – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 7.36. This game came in Atlanta, which means Shelby has something like a 0.50 ERA in The ATL over the last year and a 17.00 ERA elsewhere.
Patrick Corbin – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.12. Since this start was vs. the Braves, it’s as indicative of what to expect from Corbin moving forward as what color socks I’m wearing (purple).
Chris Herrmann – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and two homers (3, 4). Fun fact! A Sports Illustrated intern proposed “Herrmann’s room” as the name for the unisex restrooms on the photoshoot with Caitlyn Jenner.
Mike Foltynewicz – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners (0 walks), 8 Ks. Faultywirewitz has major issues with control, or at least has in the past. Worth cyclops’ing to see if he’s found a way to harness it. My guess, he hasn’t, and his next start it will be the same oldicz story.
Brad Miller – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a homer, and his 3rd homer in the last eight games, and 2nd homer of this weekend and 1st homer of Sunday and 4th homer of the season and that’s all I have.
Nicholas Tropeano – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.69. 10 Ks in under six innings? Well, don’t mind if I do! *sees his walk rate is near 5* I can’t do that do.
Andrelton Simmons – Left yesterday’s game with a sprained thumb. I see, trying to make himself seem human. Yeah, a’ight. On the fo’reals, I’ve long maintained that Andrelton looks like an alien, but this picture of him looks like a 2-D sketch drawing. “Please carefully describe who landed in your backyard with a UFO…. Okay, he had scruff on his chin?”
Garrett Richards – Will need Tommy John surgery. Richards now worth a bagful of dicks.