Shane Bieber is headed to the IL with a shoulder strain. Turns out his shoulder was being held in its socket with Spider Tack. Shane Bieber being touched up by the Mariners now makes more sense. Still not great to hear. I’m sure his owners would take a bad outing vs. an unknown-length-of-time IL stint. These injuries rarely just fix themselves, and most times they’re never themselves, until an offseason rest sesh. By the way, is anyone ever says “sesh” in any context in real life, you’re allowed to punch them. Those are the rules. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Cedric Mullins – 1-for-3 and two steals (11, 12), hitting .321. Mullins is leading AL outfielders in most categories, but is 10th in All-Star voting for outfielders:
— Razzball (@Razzball) June 14, 2021
Eloy Jimenez – Cleared for baseball activities. Great, his balls most be so itchy.
Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.51. I’m walking around with a bottle of Drakkar Noir and a DVD of the Stallone film Over the Top to keep the Regression Fairies away from Lynn.
Tyler Glasnow – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.66. Was removed from the start with elbow inflammation. Gonna go back to my Sell of Glasnow from last month where I said, “I see people taking victory laps for completing a 5K when we’re running a marathon. Tyler Glasnow was ‘breaking out’ in April of 2019, but, friend with short term memory, he did not break out.” And that’s me quoting me! Any ideas why he didn’t break out in 2019? Because he broke down. He’s never stayed healthy to throw more than 111 2/3 IP in any season of his career.
Brandon Lowe – 1-for-5 and his 12th homer, hitting .201. About to start calling him Joey Gallowe.
Austin Meadows – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .234. Austin MeGallos.
Randy Arozarena – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .264. No Gallo here. Plus, he already has the readymade nickname, The Rice Bowl, because his name split up is Arroz Arena.
Peter Fairbanks – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.06, as he got his 3rd save, while Diego Castillo (1 IP, 0 ER) worked the 8th. Silly, rabbit, trying to figure out who Cash is turning to for a save is for kicks in the nads.
Steven Matz – Tested positive for Covid, and I want a flow chart of contact tracing between him and Vlad. Right now! Assuage me! I demand you!
George Springer – Will begin a rehab assignment today. Yeah, right, sure. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me sixteen other times, shame on me. There will be no 17th fooling!
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-4 and his 22nd homer, hitting .346. When will MLB let Vladdy, the Mini Impala, wear a cape over his uniform? By the by, I’d love to see him hit 200 homers in a minute at Coors for the Home Run Derby, but can he also miss his flight and the Derby? Please.
Alek Manoah – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.66. I started Manoah and benched Eovaldi, which in the disinfectant of hindsight sounds legitimately crazy.
Nate Eovaldi – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.76. Sonavabench!
Jonathan India – 3-for-4, 1 runs, 1 RBI and his 4th steal, hitting .262. You know I made a huge deal of Eugenio hitting leadoff for two weeks, and how it was possibly the most insane manager move all year, and we’ve seen a lot of them. Bell, the ding-dong-iest of them all. But India is now leading off, and that makes sense on a team that will score a lot of runs. Also, he was last Friday’s Buy.
Aristides Aquino – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. And I looked to pick him up in every league immediately. Who knows if we ever see the GGOATOAT again, but if he was capable of hitting 15 homers in ten games once before, why not again? One legit concern is he might only start vs. lefties.
Joey Votto – 2-for-4-2, runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .237. This was his third homer in a week, so hot schmVotto alert.
Vladimir Gutierrez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.74. You can hear Podcaster Geoff talk about Gutierrez on this week’s podcast, coming later today. He was pretty laudatory, which surprised me a little. I was worried about Gutierrez’s command, and potential roofies, but Geoff, who knows more about prospects than I, says Vlad’s found a new level this year in the minors, and is worth monocle’ing at worst, and picking up in deeper leagues.
Daniel Vogelbach – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. Watching him homer yesterday and it hit me what he looks like: a barn with arms.
Robbie Grossman – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .242. Grossman gets a bad name from me, because his father gave him a bad name, but he’s been okay. (High praise!)
Niko Goodrum – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Elias Sports Bureau said this was the first night in baseball history a pitcher (Lynn) had a 1.51 ERA, and there was a great shot by Goodrum. Elias added a hiccup, and a slurred, “Excuse me.”
Cody Bellinger – Hasn’t ruled out an IL stint. I’ll remember to mention you all in therapy.
Tony Gonsolin – 3 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.38. Meh, maybe it’s the lack of the wacky tacky, but his command is nowhere near where it was previously, and he looks way off. In shallower leagues, you can move on.
Max Scherzer – Tried to throw a 31-pitch session on Monday. Got five pitches in and the baseball just stuck to his hand. He will not make his next scheduled start.
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, and 3rd homer in three games, all from the leadoff slot. Am I crazy or would you move down a guy who only homers out of the leadoff spot? This isn’t some Rickey Henderson leadoff homer shizz either. Schwarber’s OBP is .322, lower than Trea, Harrison and Robles, three potential leadoff guys. I’m using too much logic here, aren’t I?
Jose Devers – Hit the IL with shoulder discomfort. Different Devers so whatevers.
Adam Wainwright – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.95. There’s some rumors flying that Wainwright is one of the biggest perpetrators of the Wacky Tacky, and I’m reminded of that time the ball left his hand and stuck to Yadier’s chest protector. So, he might decide this is his last year anyway and rather than tarnish his legacy like the ball, he might start sucking and just retire after the year.
C.J. Cron – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. Yeah, of course, Curtis Jackson’s in da club that’s in Coors.
Michael Conforto – Will begin a rehab assignment in the next few days, as will Brandon Nimmo. Serious question, Nimmo, Conforto and George Springer get onto a plane you’re on, do you get off? Okay, what if the pilots are wearing Mitch Haniger and Byron Buxton jerseys?
Dominic Smith – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer, as he cracked a 0-for-20 slump. Do. Smith, yes, that’s the idea; more Do., less don’t.
Patrick Wisdom – 1-for-2 and his 9th homer, hitting .333. All other hot schmotatoes have fallen by the wayside, at least that’s the prevailing Wisdom.
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. HR to the Izzo! By the way, Wisdom’s played for, like, two weeks and has more homers than Rizzo. Now, I will randomly walk into traffic.
David Fletcher – 4-for-5, 1 RBI, and so ridiculously overdue. If you need average, and nothing else, I’d grab Fletcher. He’s a .320 hitter, who’s hitting .272, so he’s got almost 50 points to gain.
Sean Murphy – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Was watching him this weekend, and thinking, “Wow, he’s hitting the ball squarely, I should mention him in the roundup,” then rethinking, “But people will ask about him, and I don’t want more catcher questions.”
Alex Wood – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.71. If it makes you feel any better, I have Wood (hehe — whoa, NC-17) in my RCL league, which is 12-team mixed.
Brandon Crawford – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. If you drafted Crawford in the 1st round instead of Lindor in all your leagues, it would’ve made sense, and your leaguemates would burn you on a stake for being a witch.
Alex Kirilloff – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. Honestly, thought he might’ve been promoted to the majors, then retired. Snooze you lose, as they say, and Kirilloff’s never heard, because he’s been putting me to sleep. “When you partner has the light on, reading late into the night, grab Kirilloff from waivers, and never be up late again.”
Gilberto Celestino – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. A’la Kanye, “Let’s have a toast for the douchebags, let’s have some toast …” Seeing Celestino, “…For the French Bread Pizzas.”
Kenta Maeda – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 5.01, as he was activated from the IL. The results are slightly better but A) This was vs. the Mariners. B) He still had no control, which is very unlike him. C) There’s no C.
Michael Pineda – Hit the IL with elbow discomfort. Let’s not forget Pineda was a pioneer for putting foreign substances on a baseball. Call him Cheatsopher Columbus. By the by, there was an announcement that foreign substances will be banned for all pitchers starting on June 21st. Pineda, “Um, excuse me? Starting on June 21st?” Also, on June 21st, every game is going to look like it’s being pitched by Daniel Cabrera, and each hitter is going to come to the plate wearing a suit of armor.