Kyle Schwarber sat down for a long cross-country trip with his favorite, a can of Virgin Bloody Mary mix. Seated next to him was a tall, mustachioed man. Soon after takeoff, Schwarber dozed off and when he woke, he felt groggy, but that was to be expected, right? Seated next to him, that tall, mustachioed man drank from a Virgin Bloody Mary mix, wiping the red from his bristles. Well, what Kyle Schwarber didn’t know was Joey Gallo was that tall man with a fake mustache, and, as soon as Schwarber dozed off, Joey Gallo began to transfer all of Schwarber’s home run-hitting blood into his can of Virgin Bloody Mary mix. Later, Joey drank it all up, and burped all the names of the 500 Home Run Club. So, Joey Gallo (3-for-3, 2 runs, hitting .239) hit his 20th homer, has seven homers in the last five games, and, since Rob Manfraud took away the wacky tacky, Gallo’s slashing .375/.500/1.125/1.625, but we know why, don’t we? (Prolly just so Gallo gets traded the hell off the Rangers.) Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Hope everyone had a Happy Father’s Day, and, for our five female readers, I hope your husbands or dads weren’t too unbearable. When I heard Wander Franco was being called up, I was on the phone with my patent attorney. See, for Mother’s Day, MLB uses pink bats. My suggestion for Father’s Day is bats with hairy bags hanging off the handle, then when batters are applying pine tar in the on-deck circle the “sticky” stuff can shoot onto their pitchers’ hands. All hot dogs sold that day can have a bite out of them, but weren’t thrown out because ‘Dad’s gonna finish that.’

“Is there anything here that I should trademark?” was what I was asking my patent attorney when the news broke. Then, my internet broke, I swear this happened:

The Fantasy Baseball Overlord mocks me endlessly, does he not? I’m sure Wander Franco was rostered in all my leagues already, but don’t you love to check just to get a burst of agita? I was getting different kinds of agita with screens not loading.

So, Prospect Itch literally just told you his number one fantasy baseball stash yesterday was Wander Franco. I thought I had the number one fantasy baseball ‘stache. Sigh. Clearly, Franco is also the number one fantasy baseball prospect. In Itch’s top 10 fantasy baseball prospects, Wander’s sitting at #1. I can’t add anything meaningful to what Itch wrote. Go there, and read that. I am shocked he’s called up. I was expecting a September call-up. Perhaps the Rays are just big Gallagher brother fans, and plan to play Wander at 2nd to have an all-Oasis middle infield. “Throw to second for one and….wait they held onto the ball and no double play…what is going on…Today was gonna be the day they were gonna throw it back to you!” Damn, thwarted by a love of Wander/Walls. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Shane Bieber is headed to the IL with a shoulder strain. Turns out his shoulder was being held in its socket with Spider Tack. Shane Bieber being touched up by the Mariners now makes more sense. Still not great to hear. I’m sure his owners would take a bad outing vs. an unknown-length-of-time IL stint. These injuries rarely just fix themselves, and most times they’re never themselves, until an offseason rest sesh. By the way, is anyone ever says “sesh” in any context in real life, you’re allowed to punch them. Those are the rules. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

First off, can we talk about Mason Williams? Does he show up each day at the park wearing a giant paint can? He’s a mascot for a paint company, right? Every 7th inning stretch, they should have him race a Dutch Boy. That’s just marketing. “The Dutch Boy mascot or an actual Dutch boy?” Damn it, you and your very smart questions. Listen, you have to decide some stuff on your own, but if you can get Mads Mikkelson, you have to do it. So in addition to Mason Williams (2-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .250), all the other Mets also got after former Met, Matt Harvey (3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 7.41). Must’ve been a nice night to be in the David Wright household. “Who’s a cuck now?!” David screamed at his TV. Was there an Albombso? Oh, there was an Albombso — Pete Alonso went 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Kevin Pillar (3-for-4, 4 RBIs, hitting .262) hit his 3rd and 4th homer. True to his name, Pillar’s had a lot of columns written on him after taking one off his moneymaker. Pillar deserves it. Finally, Billy McKinney (3-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs) hit his 6th and 7th homer. He’s a stereotypical Brewers’ hitter, which makes it odd they’d let the Mets steal him away. He’ll make lousy contact, hit some homers and would I like him more if his name was Mads McKinneyson? Yes. Billy Madsonney? No. Billy McKinsey? Definitely not. He’s a hot schmotato, pretend you know the haps. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

There was once a planet called *hris Davis that was all powerful, but had issues with contact so nobody knew about it.  Power split the planet in two.

Khris Davis, “You, the light side of the planet, me the dark side, but I vacuumed up all your power to combine into my own and now I have all the power.”
Chris Davis, “How could you!”
Khris, “Well, you stumbled into my lair, after going 0-for-52 trying to open the door.  Should you get your eyes checked?  I ask as a concerned villain.”
Chris, “You stole my power, Khris with a K!”
Khris, “Tut-tut-tut, Chris with a C.  It’s K-HR-ris!  Muahahahaha…”  Sips from a Capri Sun, then continues, “…hahahahahahaha…” Coughs a bit, ending his evil laugh, then adds a final sting, “Now you are as useful as that Qhris Davis meteroid playing for the Marlins’ Double-A team.”  Yesterday, Khris Davis (2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer, hitting .266) continued his barrage on baseballs, while Chris Davis (0-for-3, 1 run, hitting .000) continued his barrage on hitting.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It’s just another week for the “Illest Pert In Nebraska”, fantasy master, Lothario 16, party crasher, AKA The Grey, AKA Grey Albright. The two of us trade rhymes like Red and Meth in their prime, as we delve into all the hot topics of the last week. We talk Machado trade, Enyel De Los Santos and Kyle Tucker’s call-ups, the plague of Zombino pitchers currently performing beyond expectations, and a host of other shizz. BTW, if you live in LA, drive a DeLorean, and recently had a douchey run-in with a handsome mustachioed gentleman in a pimping Saab convertible. Speak now, so I can make you my new podcast co-host. You out Grey’d, Grey. Well done! As always show some love to our sponsor Rotowear, by heading over to Rotowear.com and use our promo-code SAGNOF to get 20% off the highest quality t-shirts available anywhere. New designs on the daily, and plenty more to come, check out Rotowear, because I said so.

 

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Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, Carlos Gomez was designated for assignment.  Outfielders in the tier of guys in the preseason I told you not to draft:  Pence, Kemp, Gomez, Schwarber, Hanley, Corey Dickerson, Ellsbury, Brantley, Adam Jones and Carlos Gonzalez.  I’ll take a 7-for-10.  You believed still in the preseason about Carlos Gomez, didn’t you?  *touches finger to nose but not for a sobriety test*  I’m more surprised by the people shocked by Gomez’s fall from grace.  *makes crazy, rolly finger motion by ear*  Anyone who saw him in his prime knew he was gonna find a steep cliff.  Even when he broke out, the underlying stats told you something had to change or he wasn’t going to have continued success.  *sticks finger in nose, smiles*  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

On Saturday, Michael Conforto was demoted to the minors.  Ouch.  Not only did he fall far from preseason expectations, but he seemed to be breaking out in April.  Coming out of April, he had 4 HRs and a .365 average.  In May and June, he hit .169 and .119 and, finally, the Mets threw in the towel just as Conforto’s head was bouncing on the canvas.  Shame, isn’t it?  Not a shame, a product of not being able to hit.  I’m sure he’ll be back at some point, but you can drop him in all but the deepest dynasty leagues.  In his place came, Brandon Nimmo.  Okay, let’s get them out of the way up front.  The Mets are finding Nimmo in a sea of prospects.  The Mets aren’t finding Drury because he’s on a different team.  Is Nimmo the Mets’ outfield fixar?  That’s a clown fish question, bro.  Nimmo’s minor league numbers look dynamite, but that’s because he was playing in the PCL, which is like playing on the moon with an aluminum bat.  He had five homers, five steals and a .331 average.  That seems to be his profile more or let’s be generous, maybe 10/15/.280.  Sounds downright Lagaresque.  Outside of deep mixed leagues and NL-Only, I’d ignore for now.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Tolleson had his cookies tossed for the last time on Tuesday.  Or maybe Shawn Tolleson caused his owners’ cookies to be tossed?  Sounds too passive, said Flesch-Kincaid, but you get the idea.  By the by, why is tossing food so gross?  Tossing one’s cookies should be a glorious thing.  Who doesn’t want cookies tossed at them?  Please toss your cookies into my mouth!  Then there’s tossing salad?  That sounds healthy and like a spring morn.  Why is tossing salad so bad?  I’d love a salad tossing and a jog around the Maypole!  Any hoo!  There’s no more Tolleson, and Sam Dyson will step in as the Rangers closer.  Glad to see Rangers manager, Jeff Banister, finally react.  Though, it took a long time since Tolleson’s ERA is over nine.  Banister’s reflexes are so slow Bautista could’ve snuck in a punch on him.  Maybe they should’ve let Odor punch Tolleson’s card.  He would’ve been out on April 4th.  “You’re done!”  “That was one pitch.”  “I don’t care, now I will punch you.”  Sam Dyson should be owned in all leagues.  Will Tolleson regain the role?  Maybe, if Dyson gets injured, but it seems highly unlikely otherwise and can be dropped in most leagues.  Hey, Tolleson, don’t let the door hit you, where Odor split your lip.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, Buster Olney tweeted, “Kevin Gausman is pitching tonight probably exactly the way the Orioles hoped on the day they drafted him.  Dominant stuff.”  Putting aside the unnecessary “probably” — you’ll never win a Twitter Pulitzer with needless hooha! —  is this what the Orioles hoped for?  Because it’s felt at times like the Orioles were waiting for Gausman to say some sort of secret oath to let him into the rotation and, without Podrick to prompt him, he didn’t know said oath.  By the by, I can’t look at Brienne of Tarth and not see Conan O’Brien.  Perhaps, it’s me (it’s not).  If the Orioles wanted Gausman to pitch probably exactly like this, wouldn’t they have put him in the rotation and left him alone for the last *covers mouth* years?  Not to answer, but to knowingly nod while you undress your computer with your eyes.  Since I have shares in that facacta noodle-hanger Archer, I watched the better part of Gausman’s start, and he looked better than what the boxscore says, and the boxscore says, “Yum, choco-latte.”  It also says 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks in his first start back.  Gausman has the stuff to be a number one, but at worse a number two.  Not saying he will be this year; that’s just his stuff.  He probably exactly should be already, but probably exactly hasn’t been.  Still, I would grab him in any leagues where I needed upside.  A 8+ K/9, 2.7+ BB/9, 3.75 ERA starter is probably exactly what you’ll get.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

My schmohawk posts are like the fantasy equivalent of Final Destination.  First, A.J. Pollock loses his season, then Kyle Schwarber is carted off the field after running into Fowler.  If I were Miguel Sano, I’d look both ways while carefully crossing to the plate to strikeout.  And Tulo, well, I would just stay in the hyperbaric chamber that you sleep in for your hamstrings.  I’m not sure if it was the writing of the posts, publishing of the posts or simply thinking about writing the posts that jinxed these players.  Where does my kavorka start and end?  Is it okay for me to think bad thoughts about Trevor Story?  How serious are my premonitions?  Oh, and one side note, you never want to see anyone get hurt, but how on earth did Schwarber get hurt and Fowler was fine?  Schwarber’s got like 200 pounds on him.  Damn, Dexter Fowler is one strong bean.  So, Schwarber has a sprained ankle and is headed for an MRI today.  He could be gone for a while, which could help Jorge Soler see some light, though I’m not sure this won’t just mean more playing time for Matt Szczur, Javier Baez (when he returns) or Kris Bryant into the outfield.  I’m not even joking; Maddon’s playbook is written in hieroglyphics and the Rosetta Stone didn’t make it through baggage claim.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, Masahiro Tanaka went 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I took some guff in the preseason for being down on Tanaka, in the non-sexual way.  I projected him for the line of 10-4/3.49/1.15/150.  His line right now is 11-6/3.57/1.01/125.  Yeah, I was waaaaaaaaay off.  Multiple A’s to allow time for an eye roll.  Kids write me letters and say, “Unkie Grey, how did you know what Tanucky (sic) would do so mediocrely?”  My answer is always the same, I’m a witch.  Then I continue, “No, that’s just a broom.  Male witches ride around on Vespas.”  Tanaka was an easy person for me to avoid this year due to his elbow tendon.  For 2016, sadly, I don’t see my enthusiasm changing.  Or at any point for him until he has surgery, rehabs for 12-16 months and then returns.  I wish he would, because I would like to get excited about him, but it’s just not gonna happen, said like Dana Carvey impersonating George H. W. Bush.  Now, excuse me, I double-parked my Vespa on Sandoval’s foot.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?