First off, can we talk about Mason Williams? Does he show up each day at the park wearing a giant paint can? He’s a mascot for a paint company, right? Every 7th inning stretch, they should have him race a Dutch Boy. That’s just marketing. “The Dutch Boy mascot or an actual Dutch boy?” Damn it, you and your very smart questions. Listen, you have to decide some stuff on your own, but if you can get Mads Mikkelson, you have to do it. So in addition to Mason Williams (2-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .250), all the other Mets also got after former Met, Matt Harvey (3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 7.41). Must’ve been a nice night to be in the David Wright household. “Who’s a cuck now?!” David screamed at his TV. Was there an Albombso? Oh, there was an Albombso — Pete Alonso went 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Kevin Pillar (3-for-4, 4 RBIs, hitting .262) hit his 3rd and 4th homer. True to his name, Pillar’s had a lot of columns written on him after taking one off his moneymaker. Pillar deserves it. Finally, Billy McKinney (3-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs) hit his 6th and 7th homer. He’s a stereotypical Brewers’ hitter, which makes it odd they’d let the Mets steal him away. He’ll make lousy contact, hit some homers and would I like him more if his name was Mads McKinneyson? Yes. Billy Madsonney? No. Billy McKinsey? Definitely not. He’s a hot schmotato, pretend you know the haps. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Taijuan Walker – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.07. Ha, and people drafted guys like Lucas Giolito 12th overall, and still to this day will tell you you need to draft an ace.

Tony Gonsolin – 1 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks, as he was activated from the IL. He was the lede in last week’s Buy column — by the way, this week’s Buy/Sell is already available on our Patreon — and, well, I’ve seen better command from a three-year-old after seven juice boxes. Thankfully, he was against the Pirates. They brought seven men to the plate in the 1st, the maximum a team can when scoring only one run, and scored one run. Then they brought six guys to the plate in the 2nd, the most you can without scoring a run, and didn’t score.

Justin Turner – 3-for-5, and his 10th and 11th homer. He’s gonna finish the year with 22 homers, hitting .270, and I’m gonna remind you he was on pace for 40/.350 in April, if you remind me to remind you.

Sonny Gray – Hit the IL with a groin strain. If one more guy puts their groin in a strainer, I’m gonna scream.

Vladimir Gutierrez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.65. It’s so hard to get a good feel for a guy when he’s going against the Brewers, and he gets the Brewers next, but in Milwaukee. The Streamonator hates it, and I can’t get behind the stream, outside of deep leagues.

Travis Shaw – Left yesterday’s game with a dislocated shoulder, and I’m the biggest baby ever, so not one to talk, but Travis Shaw laid on the ground for ten minutes like he needed to be rushed to an ER.

Zach Eflin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.89, vs. Tucker Davidson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.53. This matchup was billed as, “Eflin/Tucker, which sounds likes the answer to why dress shirts have tails.” Here’s my Tucker Davidson fantasy, in case you don’t follow along each day, which is hurtful, but I’m moving on before I cry.

Luke Williams – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st major league homer, a walk-off. Likely — Lukely? — a platoon guy, who should be an everyday player. He has some a little power, decent speed and could hit for a little bit of an average. But without those at-bats, Luke, you are my waiver wire fodder.

Juan Soto – 1-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .279. Staring at a Dr. Pepper machine, quietly to the coin slot, “Get sexy.”

Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homer, hitting .295. Hitting for a better average and same number of homers as Juan Soto, why do I continue to torture myself?

Miguel Andujar – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and his 17th homer in the last five games. At some point, he will cool off. That’s when you can drop him, until then ride the lightning.

Giancarlo Stanton – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homer. I slept extra well last night next to my scarecrow wearing a Giancarlo jersey. Yes, I love you too, GianScarlo. (And they’re both equally brittle.)

Aaron Judge – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 15th homer, hitting .293. Wow, he’s having a solid season. Honestly, hadn’t realized that. Sell! Kidding (not really).

Miguel Sano – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Welp, here we go again. Five homers in the next six days, one day break for elote with extra cheese, then a sixteen-day slump.

Jorge Polanco – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homer. I was about to say I’ve had him for a few weeks in my RCL, but I just looked at his stats for my team, and I’m not sure I wanna cop to it. Carry on!

Randy Dobnak – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 7.36. That ERA would make a great Uber rating.

Adam Duvall – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Five dollars you will never get from me that Duvall homers again in his next game. Who wants some fake action?

Lance Lynn – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.23. Should’ve had the win too, but the White Sox team played the 8th inning like the Boston College basketball team right after a visit from Henry Hill.

Nick Madrigal – Left with hamstring tightness, and will be evaluated today. No, I didn’t hack his iCal.

Alek Manoah – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.14. This start of Manoah vs. Lynn wasn’t quite Me vs. Mini Me, but Me vs. Me in Ten Years. They should’ve done a paternity test before the game and announced the results in the 7th between Manoah and Lynn with Manoah’s mom watching on in the split screen.

Randal Grichuk – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .277. Grichuk is having one those years where it’s unheralded and isn’t winning anything on his own, but is such a great complement to a fantasy team. If only all my outfielder Grichuk’d like Grichuk ‘chuks wood.

Griffin Canning – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.22. HAHAHAHAHA–breathe, Grey, breathe! Why does Canning make me The Joker? Does he mean to? As soon as I drop this giant effin’ schmohawk, he has a solid start.

Nate Eovaldi – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.11. Each passing start I’m further removed from why I ever loved Eovaldi coming into this year. Think it’s a situation of me not rostering him for a few years, then forgetting how miserable it is having him.

Jose Altuve – 1-for-6, and his 10th homer, hitting .293. They got little baby legs. And they stand so low. You got to pick ’em up, just to say hello…

Alex Bregman – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .295. The entire Astros’ lineup is stacked; Bregman is their three-hole hitter, and it makes sense. HumbleBreg.

Jake Odorizzi – 5 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.75. Some questions yesterday about what happens with the Astros’ rotation when Lance McCullers returns. If there’s not a phantom injury and a run on Predator blood, I don’t know. Yesterday, Cristian Javier (4 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.02) did something similar to what we might see with Luis Garcia and Urquidy. I hope not, but, yeah, not sure.

Tyler O’Neill – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer, hitting .291. Can’t believe the Cards didn’t trade him away last year. This is such an effin’ stupid thing to even bother with, but I had the page open, and I can’t believe O’Neill is only owned in 80% of fantasy leagues at ESPN, and was at 60% last week.

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4 and a slam (8) and legs (4), hitting .251. Au Shizz!

Jake Rogers – 1-for-2, and his 2nd homer. You can’t haas that! That’s Haase’s to haas!

Robbie Grossman – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .237. Can’t believe he’s gonna start 150+ games at leadoff. Grossman, indeed.

Casey Mize – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.44. I have a bone to pick with all prospect guys who said Mize was gonna be an ace. Did anyone say that? I don’t know, but, woof, this guy is so whatever. I mean, he’s fine, but not F-I-N-E at all.

Ian Kennedy – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. A hamstring leads to Josh Sborz head of a committee? Sounds like Big Ham is behind this! I demand an investigation! Speaking of a Big Ham, there’s also DeMarcus Evans, who is seven-feet tall and 400 pounds of H.A.M. Not sure there’s any real reason to chase saves here, but if you’re desperate you do you.

Kyle Gibson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.13. This was the 1st time I’ve watched him all year, and he did look solid. His numbers? Are so yawnstipating. Some team, prolly the Yankees, are going to trade for him in July, and he’s going to put up a 5+ ERA in the 2nd half. Welp, either way, use the Streamonator for him.

Mike Yastrzemski – Expected to be activated this weekend. Be careful, Mike, you don’t want to get your Yaztrzem’s out in front of your skis.

Sam Long – 4 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 7 Ks, as he was called up. The SF Long long reliever looked great! Exclamation mark usually connotes sarcasm, but not in this case. Not much here for you outside of deeper, or even NL-Only leagues, but his stuff looks nasty, and he had a 37/5 K/BB in the minors. Also, Prospect Itch just gave you his Sam Long fantasy.

Chadwick Tromp – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. He’s just a Buster Posey backup, but it’s nice to see Tromp back without Pence by his side. I’m talking about Hunter, take it easy. Hunter Pence, c’mon, man.

Joc Pederson – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .238. Welp, he’s no Patrick “Lou Gehrig Called Wally Pipp A Child” Wisdom, but he’ll have to do.

Sean Manaea – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.09. Only time he has high spin rates are when he’s rating Spinderella on Spin Rates, the Yelp-type app for deejays.