Kyle Schwarber sat down for a long cross-country trip with his favorite, a can of Virgin Bloody Mary mix. Seated next to him was a tall, mustachioed man. Soon after takeoff, Schwarber dozed off and when he woke, he felt groggy, but that was to be expected, right? Seated next to him, that tall, mustachioed man drank from a Virgin Bloody Mary mix, wiping the red from his bristles. Well, what Kyle Schwarber didn’t know was Joey Gallo was that tall man with a fake mustache, and, as soon as Schwarber dozed off, Joey Gallo began to transfer all of Schwarber’s home run-hitting blood into his can of Virgin Bloody Mary mix. Later, Joey drank it all up, and burped all the names of the 500 Home Run Club. So, Joey Gallo (3-for-3, 2 runs, hitting .239) hit his 20th homer, has seven homers in the last five games, and, since Rob Manfraud took away the wacky tacky, Gallo’s slashing .375/.500/1.125/1.625, but we know why, don’t we? (Prolly just so Gallo gets traded the hell off the Rangers.) Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Nate Lowe – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer, hitting .260. Also, on the same plane flight, Lowe said, “Hey, if you’re not gonna finish that Bloody Mary mix, can I have it?”

Hyun-Jin Ryu – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.65. Remember me saying after his last start that Ryu’s not an ace anymore, but more of a number two? Well, about that. Against the Mariners, man? Ryu kidding me? Lot of people asking about Ryu and what to do with him, or what’s wrong with him, so I looked at his numbers again, and it’s the same as last week. His spin rates look fine, if you’re wondering. My guess was he’s missing his spots, and getting too much of the plate, and his Statcast seems to back that up. He’s being hit hard, especially on his change, which he throws 30% of the time. It was a top pitch in the game in previous years, and now it’s a negative for him. Feels somewhat fixable, but there’s no room for error, especially in Buffaloronto.

Marcus Semien – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 20th homer. For the 4th of July, the Jays are not used to celebrating, but, since they’re in Buffalo, they’re toying with the idea of following a Semien blast with the spraying of giant streams of lotion into the air.

Jake Fraley – 2-for-3 and his 6th homer. Oh…*pauses for effect, forgets why paused, starts reading the newest TV Guide for all air times of Law & Order, then suddenly remembers…* FRALEY?! So, Fraley had a decent June (5 HRs, ~.250), but would wait to see if he’s hot again.

Shed Long Jr. – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. I’m sorry, Fraley and Shed Long Jr. is who Ryu gave up homers to? Is this some elaborate practical joke?

Yusei Kikuchi – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.18. Lisa Loeb’s fantasy team titled, “Yusei…Stay” is doing pretty well, huh? Couldn’t imagine starting Kikuchi in Buffaloronto, but if you had the melons in your pants, good for you. Streamonator doesn’t like his next start, but it’s at home and I could see it.

Paul Sewald – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.66, as he got his 1st save. Glad I absorbed all those awful Rafael Montero outings for the Mariners to go to anyone but him. Graveman was likely being rested, but it’s worth eying Sewald, since he’s at least been good.

Matt Shoemaker – Designated for assignment. His assignment is to reopen his boarded-up cobbling business, and get back to work.

Eddie Rosario – Left yesterday’s game with ab tightness. Okay, and why has he been bad for the other 78 games?

Framber Valdez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 2.18. Regression Fairies are going to come, uh, so hard for Framber in the 2nd half.

Yordan Alvarez – 1-for-2 and his 14th homer. Cool, enjoy it, like it a lot, great, but, and again with some stank BUT! Why is Yordan still playing the outfield? He has outfield eligibility already.

Jose Altuve – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .287. Wonder if Altuve is ever like, “Yo, can you get this dinner?” Opening his wallet, “Because I’m short.”

Michael Brantley – 3-for-5, and his 5th homer, hitting .345. Prolly have seen too many heist movies, but when all the cops are checking for one crime, it’s the perfect time to do another, i.e., the fuzz are on the sticky, it’s time to bash that trash, slick.

Enrique Hernandez – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer. Too bad the Royals’ Emmnanuel is already hurt, because him and Enrisqué on the same field would’ve made for a great late-night movie on Cinemax.

J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 17th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Just Dong because the alternative is just sad.

Danny Santana – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .179. Dannys Antana and other Sawx are suddenly using a 2019 ball or what? Serious question: Fenway added a humidor last year, along with some other clubs, but they didn’t announce it. Could they or any team that was using it just stop using a humidor without telling anyone? It’s not like MLB has a rule in place that says you have to disclose a humidor or not. By the way, yes, this is very stupid. This is like in football some teams being allowed to just deflate the ball a little if they want.

Rafael Devers – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 20th homer. Devers has 69 ribbies, which sounds hot, horny and hungry.

Nate Eovaldi – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.41. At some point, Eovaldi’s ERA was pushing 4 and I was like, “Yo, see ya later, alligator. In a while, your-mom’s-on-auto-dial.” Yet, the Streamonator loves him, the peripherals are gorge, and, ugh, I can’t stay away.

Harrison Bader – 0-for-4 as he was activated, hitting .208. This move forced Lars Nootbar back to the minors, where they will try to sell him in gas stations and parking lots, pretending it’s to pay for a school trip. Bader does little for me, unless he’s hot, but if you’re league is deep enough, you do what you have to.

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4 and his 12th homer. Au Shizz!

Brendan Rodgers – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Rodgers will be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but with a giant caveat. A rotting caveat at the core of the Rockies named Bud.

Pavin Smith – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. Was watching this game and could’ve sworn it was Kole Calhoun who homered. How many dinger gingers does the Dbacks have? Or is Calhoun replicating? The Dinger Ginger Replicant! AHH!!! Oh my God, they also have a Reddick (3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs his 1st homer)! RUN!!! And a Rojas! SAVE US PLEASE!!!

Mike Yastrzemski – 1-for-3 and his 11th homer. Carl’s Jr. Jr. with the big fly, Animal-style!

Luis Castillo – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.08. Not bad considering this was vs. the Padres, and earlier in the year he couldn’t get out of the fourth vs. the Diamondbacks.

Alejo Lopez – 4-for-5, 2 runs. Say Alejo-Lo and try not to sound like you’ve lost control of your mouth. You can’t. That’s why I challenged you. Alejo-Lo has been flexing his hit tool in the minors this year — .358 in Triple-A, .362 in Double-A — and he has some speed, though seems unable to read pitchers. For now, Alejo-Lo is an NL-Only guy, but if the Reds are able to unload any guys at the deadline, Alejo-Lo could be a 2nd half surprise.

Ryan Weathers – 4 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 2.63. I’m super lukewarm on Weathers, unlike the rest of the country. He’s got 6.8 K/9, 3 BB/9, 4.62 xFIP. Make that less than lukewarm. I’m lukecold.

Mark Melancon – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.27, and his 4th blown save, and I think they’ve all come against the Reds. Can Melancon stop pitching vs. the Reds or can the Reds not tell any other teams how Melancon is tipping his pitches? I will accept either.

Jacob deGrom – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 14 Ks, ERA at 0.95. He had a Kyle Hendricks 1st inning, but deGrom had a deGrom 2nd thru 7th inning.

Dominic Smith – 2-for-4 and his 7th and 8th homer. Sonavabench! I blame Fantrax who had a green buttons next to every player yesterday. Even players who weren’t playing in a game. Kinda glad of their snafu though, so I have someone to blame for my extraordinary dumbness. Speaking of dumb, people were drafting Dom in the top 75, thinking he was a 30+ homer hitter! If you say so, bro.

Austin Riley – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .280. His home run looked comically accidental vs. deGrom. He somehow connected, and the ball shot out to right. If he was any later on that pitch, it would’ve needed a customary text saying, “srry im late on my way.”

Ian Anderson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.35. Always a Tull moment with Ian Anderson, only getting two Ks is pretty dull too.

Corbin Burnes – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.41. There is something so comforting about a guy who is supposed to be great going out and being great. It’s just so rare. If you care, and I’m not sure you should, his spin rates have been way down.

Kolten Wong – Sounds headed to the IL again, for like the fifth time in three months. Did the Brewers make the song, Detachable Penis, their theme song this year? Because they can’t keep Wong on.

Max Muncy – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 18th homer. Muncy, Munce-does!

Patrick Corbin – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.56. That’s pretty impressive, considering the whole game ended after five innings. Dodgers got more licks in than the Tootsie Roll Pop owl.

Brian Goodwin – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, and his 2nd homer in two games. He’s not in this afternoon’s Buy column — which is available on Patreon now — because I don’t think it will last with Goodwin, but can always grab a hot schmotato if you’re feeling it.

Zack Collins – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (1). A slam and legs from a catcher as I grabbed him for a batty call, after two games of Zunino homering. Touch my waiver-wire-pickup finger and you will hear a sizzle!

Carlos Rodon – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.37 vs. Jose Berrios – 5 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, zero Ks. This matchup was billed as, “I gotz both of these dudes and I’m starting them both and it’s gonna be so glorious.” The matchup turned out to be falsely advertised.

Dylan Bundy – Moved to the bullpen. So, you’ll see Bundy after you count to five. Innings, that is.

Jose Suarez – Will take Bundy’s spot in the rotation. *insert pic of a ship named ‘Bundy’ blocking the Suez Canal, then insert an ‘after’ pic of the boat dislodged* The Suarez is clear! He has a 1.98 ERA in middle relief this year, and you don’t want to know more. Trust me, it doesn’t get better. Fine, his career ERA is 6.51; his 8.6 K/9, 3 BB/9 this year could be eaten alive as a starter. Though, he does have a decent curve and good change. I guess you can check the Streamonator for him.

Tim Locastro – Traded to the Yankees. Locastro will be used as a pinch-runner, defensive replacement, and pinch-hitter when an opposing pitcher plans on hitting someone. Also, if Judge or Giancarlo get hurt, Locastro can be used. Not to play for them, but to run so fast it turns the globe back in time to before the injury, and they can avoid getting hurt.