Rays Finally Let Franco Into Promised Land After Wandering The Desert

Hope everyone had a Happy Father’s Day, and, for our five female readers, I hope your husbands or dads weren’t too unbearable. When I heard Wander Franco was being called up, I was on the phone with my patent attorney. See, for Mother’s Day, MLB uses pink bats. My suggestion for Father’s Day is bats with hairy bags hanging off the handle, then when batters are applying pine tar in the on-deck circle the “sticky” stuff can shoot onto their pitchers’ hands. All hot dogs sold that day can have a bite out of them, but weren’t thrown out because ‘Dad’s gonna finish that.’

“Is there anything here that I should trademark?” was what I was asking my patent attorney when the news broke. Then, my internet broke, I swear this happened:

Trying to pick up Wander Franco and this is screen I see absolute chef’s kiss pic.twitter.com/8IsYD7srQS

— Razzball (@Razzball) June 21, 2021

The Fantasy Baseball Overlord mocks me endlessly, does he not? I’m sure Wander Franco was rostered in all my leagues already, but don’t you love to check just to get a burst of agita? I was getting different kinds of agita with screens not loading.

So, Prospect Itch literally just told you his number one fantasy baseball stash yesterday was Wander Franco. I thought I had the number one fantasy baseball ‘stache. Sigh. Clearly, Franco is also the number one fantasy baseball prospect. In Itch’s top 10 fantasy baseball prospects, Wander’s sitting at #1. I can’t add anything meaningful to what Itch wrote. Go there, and read that. I am shocked he’s called up. I was expecting a September call-up. Perhaps the Rays are just big Gallagher brother fans, and plan to play Wander at 2nd to have an all-Oasis middle infield. “Throw to second for one and….wait they held onto the ball and no double play…what is going on…Today was gonna be the day they were gonna throw it back to you!” Damn, thwarted by a love of Wander/Walls. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Patrick Corbin – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.40. The season ERA is misleading; he had a 10.47 ERA in April, and has been startable in most leagues in May, and even more so in June. His peripherals are super meh, but Streamonator loves his next start, and I’d grab him if he’s available in your league.

Kyle Schwarber -3-for-4, 4 RBIs, with homers (16, 17, 18) as he made the Mets’ pitchers call him Daddy for Father’s Day. That’s five homers in two days. You absolutely have to love the Davey Martinez logic of batting Schwarber leadoff, so he hits a bunch of solo homers. This isn’t a Rickey Henderson-type situation. Schwarber has a worse OBP (.325) than even Victor Robles (.343), who’s been tearing it up, but using the phrase “tearing it up” like someone who has a winning lottery ticket, then tears it up. Well, Schwarber, and to those with dongs wherever you are, we raise a glass and toast you.

Joey Lucchesi – Hit the IL with elbow inflammation. Lucchesi said, “You could light up the Sambuca with my elbow.”

Jerad Eickhoff – Mets purchased his contract from Triple-A. They’re hoping he doesn’t live up to his nickname, Jer-khoff.

Pete Alonso – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer. Albombso!

Chris Bassitt – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.40. This start was in The Stadium They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built, so I decided to look at the Yankees’ stats. As of this game (Saturday afternoon), the Yankees had the same number of runs scored as the lowly Rangers, and only one more than the Toothless Tigers.

Matt Olson – 2-for-4 and his 20th homer, hitting .305. His power is so immense. He hit that home run 425 feet with such ease and, if you look at him, his swing, ooh, boy. I love him so much.

Sean Manaea – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.01. Don’t think he’s getting anywhere near the recognition his numbers deserve. He has neutral luck; velocity is up; strikeouts are highest they’ve been, and walks are just as good as they always have been. Way closer to a number two, than you might realize. That’s a good number two, by the by. Coolwhip put you up on the Manaea fantasy scoop way before he was a thing.

Byron Buxton – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .366, as he was activated from the IL on Saturday. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “After saying at trivia night that W.E.B. Dubois was the inventor of websites, I have committed to putting in the work.”

Adolis Garcia – 2-for-4 and his 18th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. When I told you to sell him, he went homerless for 18 games, but he can only cool off so much.

Dane Dunning – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.71. Dunning stunningly bad.

Pablo Lopez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.86. But what was Pab-Lo’s spin rate?!

Zach Thompson – 4 IP, 0 ER, 3 walks, zero hits, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.50, as he works his pitch count up. Dot dot dot. I guess. He might not even remain in the Marlins’ rotation.

Adam Duvall – 0-for-4 and two homers on Saturday (15, 16). Sadly, I don’t write up Friday’s games (not sadly at all; all hail, Pants), but Duvall homered on Friday, so, of course he was going to homer on Saturday. Also, Duvall and Jesus Aguilar have almost twice as many RBIs as Juan Soto, please throw me out of a moving train.

Zach Eflin – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.39. No one has any way to stop the Giants’ offense because you look at it, and the first game plan that comes to mind: I’m just gonna pitch to them because they look like they should suck.

Brandon Crawford – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 16th homer. He’s having one of those seasons that’s so improbable if you said, “Let’s draft again right now with what you know for 2021,” and you still wouldn’t draft Crawford high enough.

Wilmer Flores – 4-for-4, 3 runs, and his 5th and 6th homer. Giants are so improbably good, Wilmer Flores is having multi-homer games for crying out loud.

Mike Yastrzemski – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Real question for Father’s Day: Since Yaz Jr. Jr. is a ballplayer, and Yaz, the grand-pappy was, what about the missing link? What did Mike’s dad do?

Sammy Long – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.20. Like Marlins’ starters, shoot the Giants’ starters directly into my veins.

Alex Wood – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.09. Welp, 4+ ERA makes Wood hard to hang a hat on, at least in mixed company. Streamonator loves his next one, but it’s gonna love all his home starts and maybe there’s something off with him, which SON won’t know. I’m writing this on Father’s Day, so I can disagree with SON.

Carson Kelly – Out with a fractured wrist. This is going to severely hurt the Diamondbacks’ playoff chances. I grabbed Daulton Varsho in a few deeper leagues, who has nine homers and two steals in only 18 Triple-A games.

Patrick Sandoval – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.69. Was in Friday’s Buy as a Streamonator call, but his next start is, uh, a non-starter, so buh-bye.

Dylan Bundy – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 6.68. I find the sticky substance wacky tacky pretty funny, and mostly overblown for 95% of starters. Bundy is a concern though. The Angels were one of the biggest offenders; their guy Bubba is suing for being fired, and offered evidence against Bundy, so, yeah, Bundy’s finger was caught in the cookie jar.

Jared Walsh – 3-for-4 and his 18th homer. Walsh is the one that got away; Walsh is my white whale; only spell it wail.

Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. Not sure if you heard, but Ohtani will be taking part in the Home Run Derby at Coors. He will be the first player who will pitch to himself.

Austin Gomber – Hit the IL with forearm tightness. Ugh, just got done making a jpg in MS Paint of my “Gomber Juice” fantasy team logo. Will have to go back to calling my carrot-beet smoothies Caratinis.

Trevor Story – 2-for-5 and his 6th homer, and his 1st homer since May 23rd. Please take my firstborn, an egg I’ve decorated to look like Reggie Jackson, for a hot streak from Story.

C.J. Cron – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, as the Rockies came back from a 6-0 deficit with homers from Curtis Jackson, aforementioned Story, Josh Fuentes (1-for-4 and his 6th homer) and Who’s the Boss’s Yonathan Daza (1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer).

Kolten Wong – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Wong ding-a-long-gone dong!

Nolan Arenado – 3-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. All I have to remember my dad by is this feather that he used to sloppily sign his checks. I’m going to put it by this open window–NOOOO!!! Torenado!!!

Paul Goldschmidt – 4-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer. Au Shizz!

Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.74. *opens Wainwright Statcast page, cracks open computer screen to truly get to the bottom of his spin rates, computer shorts out* Big Computer is trying to hide the facts!

Luis Torrens – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer, and 3rd homer in the last five games. Luis is letting it fly like LAX is in Torrens, and not Inglewood. Very niche joke. Also, he’s a hot schmotato, clearly.

Ty France – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, and 3rd homer in the last week, and his 4th mention, including Friday’s Buy. Call him Air France, and land him in Torrens. This isn’t getting better, is it?

Shed Long – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer, a walk-off grad slam. Shed goes back…yard.

Shane McClanahan – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.03. Put all my rookie starters vs. the Mariners and make me happy forever.

Enrique Hernandez – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .233. Was finally moved out of the leadoff spot, only about nine weeks past due, and maybe he’s more comfortable too. Was hitting .229 at leadoff, and .350-ish in the 7-hole and lower. By the way, a guy you take out of leadoff, and move to the 7-hole is so clearly never suited for leadoff.

Nate Eovaldi – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.90. Had a road ERA of 2.42 coming into this game; was calling him Eoroadi. That disintegrated, so re-spelled his nickname, but sounds the same.

Adalberto Mondesi – Left yesterday’s game with what sounds like an oblique injury. So, him and Buxton share a body or what?

Whit Merrifield – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .274. Wonder if the Royals trade Merrifield now that he’s finally worthless.

Lance Lynn – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 2.02. Welp, when you give up five earned in four innings and your ERA ‘only’ goes up to 2.02, you had some regressing to do.

Jake Lamb – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Lamb’s got gamey!

Framber Valdez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.67. Yes, he was a Sell on Friday. He still is. If you think he’s a 1.67 ERA pitcher, I have a bridge to sell you that I bought on layaway and don’t even fully own. I’m the Ponzi of the Verrazano!

Lance McCullers – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 2.90. Man, the White Sox looked like a top team in the AL, until they ran into another top team, and the Astros buzzsaw’d them.

Carlos Correa – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 14th homer. You Marwin some, but you just Carlos one.

Fernando Tatis Jr. – Left Saturday’s game with that old bailiwick of a shoulder. Padres say it’s fine, and they caught it in time, before it became as bad as last time. I only have one question: Which time before?

Dinelson Lamet – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.81, as he threw 81 pitches. Lowercase yay, he made it five innings. Seriously, what happens when he goes down again, and still needs Tommy John surgery, and just wasted a good nine months from when he could’ve had it? Well, kinda rhetorical, but you get the idea.

Luis Castillo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.61. Ya know what would be nice? A freakin’ 9-inning, zero run affair to show he’s really back. A CG SHO to show!

JT Brubaker – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners (zero walks), 9 Ks, ERA at 3.77. This guy who is trying to type while pointing two thumbs at himself streamed Brubaker yesterday thanks to the Streamonator. Thanks SON!…Well, you’re more Rudy’s SON, but I will be your uncle that skirts responsibility and teaches it how to smoke.

Harold Ramirez – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, and 3rd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert!

Alek Manoah – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.18. Hey, I’m just gonna leave this Orange Bang on the counter here, would you mind looking after it for me? *five hours later*…whoa, did I fall asleep? Hey, that guy looks just like me…Is he wearing my face? AH!!! Roofie!!!

Trey Mancini – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homer, hitting .272. Trey creamed those, and it was not feta, ‘cini. No reason to be scared, there’s nothing to be alfredo. What, for Father’s Day, gotta end on a dad joke.