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What are the Angels doing? “Every time David Bell does something stupid, he smacks his head twice, and hears a ringing in his ears, then an Angel gets his wings.” That’s terrific, Clarence, but you’re a bit of a noodge. Imagine having an angel following you around all day, telling you what could be if you lived your life differently? What a nightmare! Constantly whispering in your ear, “If you throw that plastic straw into the ocean, a dolphin will get it stuck in his blow hole, and won’t be able to squeak at a young boy in Indonesia on a wooden raft and, without that distraction, the boy will drift into the middle of an ocean liner’s path and–” Shut up, Clarence! You’re annoying me! That would be my It’s A Wonderful Life, just screaming shut up. Any hoo! What are the Angels doing in regards to Juan Lagares and Taylor Ward starting in their outfield? Let’s put aside Taylor Ward, because he’s young and maybe he can do something. Let’s instead focus on Juan Lagares. He’s 32 years old, and his top year in the majors was 47/6/41/.259/7, when he was 26 years old. That was in 143 games! Try to wrap your noodle around Juan Lagares getting 143 games and those stats. It’s pretty difficult to do, and that was six years ago! Lagares is in the majors because he is perceived as a defensive specialist. On its face, a 32-year-old centerfielder is lunacy. Ya think he might’ve lost a step somewhere along the way? Ya think?! With some more stank: YA THINK?! Using defense metrics, Byron Buxton has 25.8 UZR/150 games. You don’t need to know what UZR is other than it’s a fielding metric and Buxton is great. Lagares is ranked 79th for fielding centerfielders and has -11.3 UZR/150 games. There’s only 30 teams and Lagares is 79th for centerfield defense! Okay, enough bagging on Lagares, enter: Jo Adell. Even if he fields with his glove on the wrong hand, he can’t be that much worse. Or move Taylor Ward to center and call up Adell! It defies logic why Adell isn’t up already, and it’s because of his bat why we’re here: He’s on pace for 40+ homers in Triple-A. He’s still struggling with strikeouts, and might not hit above .220, but, again, I’m asking: What are the Angels doing? It’s time to call-up Adell and play him. Irregardless? Yes, I’m ill re: Lagares and their other options. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Max Stassi – Had a dream that Stassi was being pitched to by Carrasco in an interleague game, and the announcer was calling Carrasco by his nickname, Cookie, and all I could think is ‘Stassi to Cookies, A History of Surveillance,’ then I woke and was like, “Why am I so dumb?”
Jake Rogers – Haase who?! Eric Haase, he’s another Tigers’ catcher who has big-time power. It’s a figure of speech, Random Italicized Voice. ‘Haase who’ is a figure of speech? In what language?
Yan Gomes – “Put this on the inside of your eyelids and never forget it: Guron, Ontario, Michigan, Erie, Superior. That is GOMES.” The following was drilled into my head in 4th grade geography. Thanks, public schools!
Ty France – “I got one question, Mr. France, are you as good as it baguettes?” That’s me right before getting beat up by Ty France.
Daniel Vogelbach – Wonder what’s the highest altitude an astronaut can still see Vogelbach? 50,000 feet? 100,000? “Is that New Zealand?” “No, Mr. Bezos, it’s Daniel Vogelbach.”
Joey Votto – Saw someone talk about Votto like he was a future Hall of Famer. His career stats (less than 2,000 career hits, 300 HRs) are…Hall of Famey? They don’t seem Hall of Famey to me. Of course, that doesn’t matter for this week; he’s been hot.
Jonathan India – Already gave you my Jonathan India fantasy. It was written while dressing as a human/bunny rabbit hybrid from Sweet Tooth.
Willi Castro – Been a bit of a hitting Willi recently, maybe he’s secretly competing in a beat-off.
Brendan Rodgers – Kinda love that Rodgers has been playing, but it is legitimately crazy how Garrett Hampson would be a starter on 20 of 30 teams, and Rockies should be one. The Rockies aren’t good! How is Hampson not a starter? Any hoo! Like I said, Rodgers has been starting, and Hampson is “has been” starter.
Jonathan Villar – Took a week or two off from recommending simply because I grew bored of suggesting the same guy over and over, and no one picking him up. About to start calling him J-illa, because he’s ignored by you, like those letters are ignored when pronouncing his name.
J.P. Crawford – His cousin is former player Carl Crawford, who is living one of the strangest post-career lives. He has like 20 stories tagged with his name on TMZ! Everything from a tragic death to domestic abuse to signing Megan Thee Stallion to a contract. Yes, that Carl Crawford. Either way, Just Peachy Crawford has been hitting well recently.
Dylan Moore – This week we’ve had the most mentions of a D. Moore since Bo Derek stole cornrows off a Jamaican woman’s head, then jogged in slo-mo away from her.
Danny Mendick – Hmm…Eloy, Luis Robert and Madrigal went down, and Mendick is on the come up. Mendick feels like he’s over-promising for as much as I’d expect from him, more like Danny Onemanpenis.
Leury Garcia – Incredibly, he’s going to get 500 at-bats this year, isn’t he? Incredibly good? No, didn’t say that. Incredibly adequate? Well…Do you have an at-bats category?
Taylor Walls – I want Josh Lowe to be called up, but I’m beginning to stop wondering when Wander, Brujan or Lowe are being called up, and more if they ever will be called up. Now, I’m just going by guys who are actually playing for the Rays…From the window to the Walls, to the sweat dripping down a pitcher’s hand to give the hitter a base on balls… MLB went from Let The Kids Play to their new slogan, Get A Grip.
Luis Urias – I’d argue (as I’m about to) that Urias has the best peripherals for a hitter in the Brewers’ lineup, after Avisail Garcia. Yeah, better than Yelich. Speaking of Yelich, I have no idea what happened to that Brother with One Hot Mother. Wait a minute…Brother with One Hot Mother…BOHM…So, that’s what happened to him too?
Jake Fraley – When someone says something that you can’t believe, do you also exclaim, “F raley?” No? Guess I’m built different. Lower to the ground, for one. Fraley’s got power and speed, and some prospect hounds thought Fraley would be better than Lewis before last season happened.
Jesus Sanchez – Already gave you my Jesus Sanchez fantasy. It learned to play Chopsticks on the piano at the age of 40.
Miguel Andujar – You think he ever gets to a restaurant where the hostess says something like, “I’m Nancy, and you are?” And he says, “Andujar,” and she says, “Haha, jinx, and you are?” And he says, “Andujar,” and that goes on for hours.
Billy McKinney – He sounds like a bully from a bad 80s movie. “I want my two dollars, Billy McKinney!” Sorry, that’s not a bad 80s movie. McKinney’s been hitting well, and stealing people’s two dollars.
Bobby Bradley – Bobby’s got big-time power. Call him Bobby Boombastic! Or, ya know what, don’t call him that.
Steven Duggar – There’s some platoon concerns here, but Duggar’s got a lot of mouths to feed, and it’s time to get paid.
Chas McCormick – First, he gets me addicted to his Montreal Steak seasoning, now he’s hitting home runs. What’s next, a mail-order catalog?!
Eli White – Hey, if your name’s Eli, you don’t need the White part.
Myles Straw – If Straw was the size of Daniel Vogelbach, I’d be able to suck down four quarts of boba at a time. Praise be. What a glorious thought. Why isn’t it Myles-Wide Straw? Seriously, can you think of one reason? I cannot.
Aristides Aquino – The last time there was a sudden GGOATOAT charge was when I accidentally left my Amex tab open at a petting zoo. Those GOATs take advantage. Aristides is the most exciting player, who likely won’t be worth rostering in mixed leagues.
Patrick Sandoval – As I mentioned the other day, I like Sandoval, but this is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to Philadelphia’s Chamber of Commerce.
Logan Gilbert – This is another Streamonator call. “I found a pin that reads, ‘You’ve Got A Friend In Pennsylvania,’ so I was wondering if I could speak to them.”
Emilio Pagan – Was brought to my attention this morning that not only did Melancon blow Thursday’s save in an elaborately brutal fashion, but he’s also tipping his pitches. You’d think if internet detectives can figure it out, then so can an MLB team. Haha, you’d be so wrong.
Lucas Sims – Unlike some of the schmohawks who have graced the Buy column for saves, Sims is actually the closer, which is what I say right as David Bell brings in Amir Garrett to give up 5 ER, or Tejay Antone returns from the IL. SAGNOF because saves ain’t got no face, but saves absolutely have an ulcer. “Doc, do you think I have a peptic or gastric SAGNOF?”
Michael Fulmer – Has returned from the IL, so the Tigers get back their maybe closer for their maybe wins. “Hey, skip, we’re down by two in the ninth, you sure you want me to call the pen for our closer?” “Heck’s yeah, son, this is a Maybe Win.”
SELL
Framber Valdez – I like Framber too! I raspberry my lips at French people, and say I’m in the “Fram Boi’s” gang. I pull off the road sometimes, slice my hand open with a rusty crowbar and say, “Hey, look, Predator blood!” These are real things and they show my love for Framber. I think he’s around a top 25 starter. Right now, though? Do people still el oh el because his stats deserve a hearty one. His Ks are down, walks are up, BABIP is goofy, LOB% is more goofy, HR/FB% is schnikey, and velocity is down. I find myself asking does Framber get to the All-Star break with a 4.00 ERA or lower? And that’s only like five starts away! Not saying to trade Framber Valdez for a story from an old-timer who smells of booze, but I would use our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.
