Kinda obsessed with our Top 100 Fantasy Starts tool (not a tool as much as it’s a free list). Since I’m writing this on Sunday, I’m not sure yet where Shane Bieber and his 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 15 Ks will rank, but my guess is 1st or 2nd overall. (The tool (list?) updates after this is posted.) Pretty deep into the season to have Shane Bieber throw possibly the best start of the year. Bieber was the youngest Indians pitcher since 1987 with 12+ Ks — wow! — the last to do it was Greg Swindell — um, all right! Bieber was the 4th youngest since 1908 to have a 15-K, zero-walk game, the other three: Gooden — crazy! — Kerry Wood — nasty company! — and Vince Velasquez — well, um, he had a good game. Only two Indians starters in history with a shutout, no walks and 15 Ks are Bieber — damn! — and Luis Tiant, who at 78 years old just beat up my autocorrect for changing his name to Luis Taint. Sunday’s start shows why I wanted to draft Bieber in every league. Hopefully, he keeps it gong…gong…go I ng–Sorry, my autocorrect is scared to change anything now. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Mike Clevinger – Could begin a rehab assignment this week. That happened much faster than I expected, which is either a great or terrible sign. So, glass is half filled or half empty or filled with Half & Half.
Adam Plutko – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 4 Ks in his 1st start. Fun fact! A Plutko is doing a Cleveland streamer while thinking about baseball.
Carlos Santana – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Oye como schmotato!
Jorge Alfaro – Left Saturday’s game after a collision with Robinson Cano. Just two days earlier, Conforto was concussed after a collision with Cano. Maybe if Cano hustled a little bit he’d get the hell out of the way of players.
Pablo Lopez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.06. Streamonator loved this start, but hates his next one, and I agree. Can’t trust him. Who can you trust that has a first name that could be his first and last names abbreviated? Pab-Lo? What kind of nonsense is that?
Sandy Alcantara – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.25. Mickey Callaway definitely needs to go. Case in point: If you have someone at your disposal who wants to collide into everyone, I think you need to give him the green light to collide into the opposing pitcher when they’re pitching well.
Steven Matz – 3 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.96, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I have a note from my chiropractor that says the best office chair I can use is sitting on a willing midget.”
Noah Syndergaard – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.50. Was kinda hoping instead of Syndergaard giving up hits or runs to the Marlins, he would get within one out of a perfect game, then Robinson Cano would accidentally collide into him and knock him out. Cano should change his name to Robinson Drago.
Lucas Giolito – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.35. Giolito’s having a breakout and ya’ll over here worried about Jerad Eickhoff and Zach Eflin? Ya’ll a bunch of Eflin Jer-khoffs! Sorry, I just became possessed by an angry radio host.
Reynaldo Lopez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 5.14. On Friday, I said this was a Streamonator call, but, then I looked on Sunday before games, and I’m not sure if it was me or the giant DFS toaster that was wrong, but Lopez did not look like a Streamonator call, but it all turned out okay. The previous sentence was written by Sir Mix-A-Lot which is why there was three buts.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Now hitting .370 with four homers in last eight games. He also became the youngest Jays hitter to homer, eclipsing Danny Ainge. Ainge still holds the record for most threes hit from the 2nd base bag.
Danny Jansen – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .186, but his 2nd homer in the last two games. Catcher questions in 3, 2, 1…
Aaron Nola – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 4.47. That’s a welcome sight for his owners. But, man or five womans, the Rockies need a major injection of Coors into their veins. Daniel Murphy’s hitting sub-.200!
Scott Kingery – 1-for-3, 1 run and his 2nd steal, as he was activated from the IL. You ever hear about paradoxical undressing? It’s when people who are freezing cold begin to undress, and why people frozen to death are often found naked. With that in mind, Odubel and Maikel might be found dead and naked in the clubhouse they are so cold, i.e., Kingery could get starts.
Bryce Harper – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .235. He’ll be better than this, but, not until he hits .265+ for longer than a month, will I believe he’s capable again of a good average. His Ks are just crazy.
Pat Neshek – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 3rd save, ERA at 3.24. Hector Neris was used a lot recently, so as much as I’d like to say Kapler is batshizz crazy, Neshek getting the save isn’t coming from a place of loco-ness.
Ryan McMahon – 2-for-4 and his 4th and 5th homer, hitting .260, as he played 2nd base with his stone hands while Brendan Rodgers sat. Bud Black would’ve waited until Wally Pipp was healthy again and benched Lou Gehrig. You can’t convince I’m wrong.
Matthew Boyd – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.41. About three weeks ago, I said Boyd was taking the long, slow march back towards a 4.00 ERA pitcher. And that’s me paraphrasing me!
Christian Yelich – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer, hitting .325. “I’m a bit worried about Christian Yelich’s ground ball rate, so I think I’m going to draft Jose Ramirez,” Keith Morrison from Dateline walks into frame, “These were the last words heard from a well-known fantasy baseballer.”
Keston Hiura – 2-for-4 and his 1st home run. I saw Travis Shaw beginning his rehab and I thought about what are the realistic chances Hiura is sent right back down? A) If Hiura flat-out sucks, which is unlikely. B) If…Uh…I guess if he gets injured. C) There’s no C. D) There’s barely a B, and no C, so there’s no D. I just don’t think it’s likely Hiura is called up and sent back down. The Brewers trade Shaw for a middle reliever and move on, or let Shaw rotate at 1B, 2B and 3B.
Brandon Woodruff – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.51. Let’s reminisce for a moment about how Rudy mocked my ranking and drafting of Woodruff. If only I had considered what Woodruff did in the bullpen vs. the rotation last year, which is exactly what I did consider. Woodruff, ya know, the guy with a 10.4 K/9, 2.7 BB/9 and 3.52 xFIP, who’s only a hair better than Syndergaard. Sorry, a smidge better, if there’s one place Syndergaard fares better it’s hair.
Ronald Acuna Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .281. Tildaddy lets you have a sip of his beer!
Freddie Freeman – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer, hitting .318. Sweet, sexy, adjective! What’s going on with Ozzie Albies (1-for-3, hitting .268) tho, Cousin Sweatpants? He was dropped to 8th in the order. That’s not, how do they say, good.
Mike Foltynewicz – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners (0 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 6.91. Everyone drop Faultynutsicks? Great! Now he will throw a good game against one of the best offenses. Baseball, man, it’s a riddle wrapped in a chalupa fed to your dog and shat out on your carpet.
George Springer – Exited yesterday’s game with lower back tightness. The Astros said it’s a day-to–Oh, who cares! Bring up Yordan Alvarez! I tried to pick him up in all my leagues, but he was already owned, because the people I play against are playing against me. Not cool.
Michael Chavis – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer as he hit leadoff. That was nice of Alex Cora to let Brad Ausmus make out his lineup card.
Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .293. Someone’s gunning for a Seoul Train award!
Jose Leclerc – 2 IP, 0 ER, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.30. Shawn Kelley is due back today, but Leclerc looks like he might be near a return to the closer job, then a 2/3 IP, 5 ER appearance, then Kelley gets hurt again and Chris Martin (1 IP, 1 ER) hires a black hat to forward Google results of Goop to a Cracked article about how awful Shakespeare in Love is. Don’t blame me, blame my Magic Eight Ball.
Griffin Canning – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.80. He appeared in Friday’s Buy, because your man Grey is a fantasy baller, kid! (Possibly coolest sentence ever uttered. Maybe 2nd to, “My IBS is flaring up.”)
Robbie Ray – 4 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.25. Ray is about as economical with pitches as Montgomery Brewster was with upside-down plane stamps.
Drew Pomeranz – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 5.66, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I need time off from work to go to the patent office for my staple remover that also unhooks bras.”
Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-1 and his 7th homer, 2nd homer in two games, and 4th homer in six games. Hot schmotato alert!
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer. HR to the Izzo!
Howie Kendrick – 1-for-2 and his 7th homer, hitting .314. Right side of brain, “Don’t dwell on how Kendrick would’ve been an improvement over half of the MIs you own.” Left side of the brain, “It’s not ‘How Kendrick,’ it’s Howie.” Right side of the brain, “You’re a moron.”
Jorge Polanco – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .343. Just another four-hit game from Polanco. Like a command from a pimp, ho-hum.
Mitch Haniger – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .232. On one hand, Haniger’s on pace for 40 homers. On the other hand, everyone is. On a third hand that is actually a necklace charm of the Hand of Fatima, his Ks are way up, which explains his terrible batting average.
Daniel Vogelbach – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 13th homer, and his 4th homer in five games, hitting .258. The Jelly Donut of Swat f–king k-lled that b-ll! This was your redacted Cruller Report.
Walker Buehler – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.83 vs. Tyler Mahle – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.51. Mahle is pitching better than Buehler through six weeks of the season. Yup, everyone saw that one coming. Mahle’s peripherals: 9.5 K/9, 1.9 BB/9, 3.27 xFIP vs. Buehler’s 8.4 K/9, 1.8 BB/9, 3.84 xFIP. Now that I spell it out, it’s not that close.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.52. I’m not saying you should do this, but has anyone who owns Darvish told their commissioner that they meant to draft Ryu vs. Yu? “I was saying Ryu, not ‘re: Yu’? What am I writing emails with mouth words? Emails are finger words! EMAILS ARE FINGER WORDS!”
Cody Bellinger – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .405. He’s made outs .595% of the time. What a bum.
Jose Peraza – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Peraza over here watching Nick Senzel (2-for-5 and his 5th SB) steal every damn base, so Peraza decided to zag, only it’s been more like a Zagnut, the candy bar no one wants.
Hunter Renfroe – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. Renfroe! Or as Scooby Doo would say, Renfroe!
Willy Adames – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, and his 2nd homer in the last three games. Worth cyclops’ing to see if this is the start of schmotato run. (Someone who just stumbled on this site is like, “What the hell is this handsome AF brother talking about?”)
Brandon Lowe – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. He is such a bottom. Ya know, because in lineups he’s B. Lowe.
Kevin Kiermaier – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .227. I entered ‘Kevin Kiermaier’ into the Marla Gibbs Sassy Generator and it spit back out, “Welfare begins at home, which is why I’m kicking you out.”
Brett Gardner – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (7) and legs (5), hitting .211. As Tom Petty once said, “Even the losers get lucky sometimes.” RIP
Aaron Hicks – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer in his 5th game back, as he hits 2nd. He’s been behind DJ LeMahieu (2-for-5, 3 runs and his 3rd homer) and ahead of Kendrys Morales (1-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs) and 3rd baseman, Gio Urshela (0-for-2, 1 run), but Gio hurt himself so the Yanks had to turn to Thairo Estrada. Comatose Yankees Fan who just woke up after a two-month coma, “What team is this you’re describing? Did Miguel Andujar change his name to Thairo Estrada? Kendrys Morales? Did the Yankees and A’s merge? Are they the A’nkees now? Guys? Why is everyone leaving my hospital room without making eye contact?”
Masahiro Tanaka – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.09, and left with a right shin contusion. Last week, Maeda had a left thigh contusion; Tanaka has a right shin contusion; Kikuchi better guard his middle leg.