The Braves called up Austin Riley this week, which is news to the guy in your league who went into shock when he realized he drafted Travis Shaw, Ender Inciarte and Rougned Odor in all leagues. That person sounds suspiciously like me. The Braves sharted Super Two Status as one might shart it when they can just sign Riley to a ten-year deal worth $45,000 annually. As someone who is paid in pennies from advertisers, that sounds pretty Eflin good. If you notice in the video at the top of this post, Riley is Anime Grey’s Buy, and that needs to be animated about a week ahead of time, so I was thinking about this Buy for some time now. I was spurred on by Prospect Mike’s Austin Riley post last Sunday, when he alerted me that the Braves began to play Riley in the outfield. As they say in any rest stop bathroom, the writing’s on the wall and someone’s about to get it in the rear, Ender. In Triple-A, Riley hit 15 homers in only 37 games (144 ABs), and looks capable of 30+ homers in the majors. Even the conservative-with-rookies Steamer projects him for 25 homers on the Prospectonator. Ender might return at some point; Riley could slump; your degree from a liberal arts college where you majored in Wingdings font could be helpful, but for now Ender’s garbage; Riley should be owned; and you’re only qualified to work at Buffalo Wild Wings. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
James McCann – Podcaster Ralph and I were discussing McCann on the last pod, and, if you listen closely, you can hear the exact moment I realize that McCann has moved in front of Welington Castillo on the White Sux’s depth chart. I bought a new mic just for those types of soundbites, and so you can hear me vaping.
C.J. Cron – You know what’s hilarious in a not funny type way? Cron’s going to hit 30 homers for the Twins, and then get no contract offered next offseason and go full-Keuchel — Keuchfull? Full Kimbrel? Kimbfull?
Marwin Gonzalez – He’s got great position eligibility. Buy? Even without a sale! That’s the key, Mar-Go. You’re welcome:
Keston Hiura – We had it all! Just like Bogie and Bacall! Sorry, that has earwormed into my head forever ‘ore. As for Keston, here’s my Keston Hiura fantasy. It was written while wrapped around each other, trying so hard to stay warm.
Tommy La Stella – Fun fact! The La in his last name is an abbreviation for Launch Angle.
Aledmys Diaz – Has there been a hotter schmotato? A Schmotater, so to speak. No, there hasn’t. His schmotatoness is unmatched in a land of schmotaters as far as this I can see. As hot as Cesar Hernandez? Well, no, don’t be ridiculous.
Nicky Lopez – Here’s what I said the other day, “Called up by the Royals to play 2nd base with Merrifield moving to the outfield. Who is this Nicky Lopez kid who warrants that kind of move, to Whit? I’m glad you asked, Awkward Intro Question! Here’s what Prospect Mike said, ‘I tend to value pure hitting over other tools when I’m compiling these lists. Lopez scores well in that area. He’s also close to the majors with success in the upper minors. For a guy with below-average power, the fact that he hit nine homers between Double-A and Triple-A in 2018 was a pleasant surprise. Mix in his 15 steals and .308 average and I’m sold. Need more? His strikeout and walk rates were nearly identical in Triple-A (11%). That’s Jennifer Connelly beautiful. Or reverse whatever the hell Grey is.’ C’mon, man! In Triple-A, Lopez had a 3.6% strikeout rate and a 14.5% walk rate. That’s goofy good. He also had three homers and 9 steals. Don’t want to compare anyone to Jose Altuve, but if the shoe fits–Actually, that’s a thimble. No, wait, that’s Altuve’s shoe? Damn. I tried to pick him up in all leagues, but Nicky no lucky.” And that’s me quoting me quoting Prospect Mike!
Alex Verdugo – Has been hitting over .300 in the last week, and Dave Roberts has been playing him due to some sort of glitch in The Matrix — The Malex? Wait, that reminds me of something. I have to buy Windex…No, that’s not it. I need to check my DNA helix for the chicken nugget gene that says you’re predisposed to eating chicken nuggets…No, Malex…Malex…Malex…Oh yeah!
Willie Calhoun – I’m quickly coming around on Calhoun. If he’s hitting every game, it’s going to be hard not to sneak him into the lineup, even if Willie’s prone to drop some flies.
Mallex Smith – SAGNOF!
Charlie Tilson – Member in the preseason when you were like, “Grey, hide that handsomeness because I’m feeling hormonal, also there’s no more speed SAGNOF. Sorry, my dude.” Between Jarrod Dyson, Smith, Mercado and Tilson, SAGNOF for steals is alive and well.
Gregory Polanco – Bit surprised it’s taking Polanco so long to get over the 50% owned threshold, but then someone will comment for me to rank a bunch of players with Polanco included, and I invariably want to put Polanco last.
Hunter Pence – So, I was checking out this classic novel, Bram Stoker’s Zombino, and I was like, “Can’t you just name it Zombino? You have to put ‘Bram Stoker’s’ in front of everything? You walk around your house like, ‘Thanks for coming to Bram Stoker’s housewarming. This is Bram Stoker’s kitchen, Bram Stoker’s bedroom, Bram Stoker’s bucket for crap…?”
Franmil Reyes – If you’ve never had a $54 vending machine steak, you’ve lived half a life.
Jorge Soler – Sadly, I need to bring out COLD HARD FACTS AND CAPS. Soler is just outside of the top 30 for outfielders on the Player Rater. That means even in a ten-team league with three outfielders and a Utility slot, it’s hard to make a case he shouldn’t be owned.
Hansel Robles – In one league, I’ve been holding Cody Allen (it’s a deep league, but it shows how much I trust Robles, Ausmus and the entire Angels organization. Allen is not good, but it’s a game for saves no matter what…Okay, can someone help me out of this parenthetical? All asides aside, I should’ve been out of here by now. Guys? Five girl readers?) Ah, better.
Steve Cishek – Unlike Robles or Martin, I think Cishek could keep the Cubs’ closer job even when Strop returns. Though, I guess the Cubs could be in the market for a Kimbrel too. At this point, it does feel a little like I’m more concerned with Kimbrel signing than Kimbrel or any MLB team.
Lucas Giolito – Has been about as valuable as Max Scherzer for fantasy, and his peripherals tell me Giolito should be even better than he’s been. The well-worn phrase that all the popular 50-something-year-olds say is, “Throw it to Lucas!” But a millennial generation that is ruining everything, including mayonnaise, has it right saying, “Let Giolito throw it!”
Griffin Canning – There’s a chance here for a roofie’ing, but this is also a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to the number it finds on Facebook for its high school sweetheart. “You’re married with kids. That’s great!” *sobs*
Giancarlo Stanton – I’m officially worried about Giancarlo. When I accidentally found myself in his front bedroom closet, waiting for him to come home, while wearing nothing but a robe I found in his hamper that still smelled like him, I saw a tub of Icy/Hot by his nightstand. While applying this to my genital region, I realized this was for his shoulder, and I know my Poopsie-Bear is not 100% healthy. With this Sell, I’m going against conventional wisdom. Well, not against conventional conventional wisdom. One conventional, as in, “You sell guys when they’re going well.” ‘Sell-well’ not Samwell, but this is a ‘Sell…well.’ 2nd well as in resignation not as in what Baby Jessica fell down. What I’m saying is the Buy/Sell tool says Giancarlo is a buy. One of the biggest Buys, actually, said the mansplainer. I’m saying sell Giancarlo low. I’d go to the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and see what you might be able to get for him. No, don’t sell him for the investigative services of Detective Pikachu into a loved one’s death, but I would explore options.