Yesterday, the Indians called up Oscar Mercado, after a hilarious bit where they phoned their Triple-A team and asked to speak to Oscar and they were met with, “The Oscar Mercado called and said they’re out of you!” The Indians have now cornered the mercado on Oscars like Meryl Streep. Mercado has speed to burn. He is so fast he just ran into your room, mussed your hair and ran back out before you even had a chance to flinch, which is great because you’re secretly being filmed for the new Netflix game show, Flinch. Mercado had one season in the minors with 50 steals. I just became aroused like Lorenzo Lamas after he sees himself in the mirror. Prospect Mike said of him, “Mercado came to Cleveland from St. Louis at last year’s trade deadline in a move that probably slipped under everybody’s radar. He had a crazy good season in Triple-A though, hitting .278 with eight homers and 37 steals. Caveat: Grey is dumb.” What? That’s not a caveat. I grabbed Mercado in a few leagues, because I could use steals, and, brucely, who doesn’t need steals? Not to answer, but bat your eyelashes and look pretty. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Francisco Lindor – 2-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .296. He has two more homers than Jose Ramirez, and same number of RBIs, and Lindor missed three weeks. Behind door number one is ZOINKS, behind number two is YUP and there’s no door number three.
Shane Bieber – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.81. That’s one way to kick off the week. *sticks finger into electrical outlet to feel something more pleasant*
Jose Abreu – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. Member when I used to say he was the Latino Big Hurt? I apologize to Frank Thomas, who seems like he quickly becomes The Butt Hurt.
Welington Castillo – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Where’s the boeuf? At the plate!
Reynaldo Lopez – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.58. Yeah, well, he was facing one of the worst teams. Singing Coolio, “Been spending most my life throwing shade like a gangster parasol…” The Indians rank 27th out of all MLB offenses and that’s counting the Marlins, who shouldn’t be counted as MLB. Though, the Streamonator likes Lopez’s next start.
Yoan Moncada – 3-for-4 and his 8th and 9th homers, hitting .289. Still don’t trust him fully, but his BABIP and reduced Ks tells me he’s more of a .255-65 hitter vs. the .235 one he was coming into this year.
Kendrys Morales – Designated for assignment. That assignment is to do a blood transfusion with a 17-year-old to swap out his old goo for young goo.
Matt Olson – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Wow, his power is returning quicker than Kim Jong-un turning on the electric in North Korea so he can try a recipe from his cookbook, “Despot Is Good For Cooking.” A NY Times Bestseller.
Khris Davis – 2-for-4 and his 11th and 12th homer, hitting .243. Damn, a .004 slump!
Mitch Haniger – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .229. A lot of people are asking about Mallex Smith. More now than in the preseason. Here’s the thing, prematurely balding men, where is he going to play? Are they benching Bruce, Vogelbach, Haniger or Domingo indefinitely? I mean, maybe for a start or two here and there, but Mallex has nowhere to play without an injury.
Daniel Vogelbach – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .248. Yeah, Mallex is just gonna start playing now even though he didn’t all of April. Right with fifteen I’s.
Yusei Kikuchi – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.64. Doesn’t sound like a great pitching performance, until you realize that he threw a 12-inning perfect game yesterday if you add in pine tar.
Erik Kratz – DFA’d by the Giants for Aaron Altherr. The Giants’ GM told a raunchy, sprawling story involving 30 teams taking their turn on the Giants in increasingly graphic ways and then saying it was all an act. What do you call that act? “It’s the DFA Kratz!”
Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .250. “I just traded my entire 1st place team for Ohtani. How’d I do?” That’s a comment from the future. People love Ohtani. Find someone who loves you like baseball fans love Ohtani.
Jose Berrios – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.05. Angels had some crunch-Berrios for breakfast. Any guesses where he was on the Fantasy Baseball Player Rater for starters before last night? *points thumb up* I’m saying Berrios was rated higher with my thumb motion, I didn’t say let that person out of the ring with the untamed lion. It was basically Verlander, Ryu, Berrios and everyone else, but because we can’t have anything nice, there’s been two good starters this year and everyone else. (Kidding, Berrios is still solid.)
Jorge Polanco – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .327. The polar opposite of Ohtani in that I can’t find anyone who loves Polanco like he should be loved. You can count on one hand the number of players who always seem headed for the cycle in every game, and not an Alfonseca hand. Polanco is one of those players.
Marwin Gonzalez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, 2nd homer in three games and hitting near-.375 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert, but usually Marwin Gonzalez is like watching a bad porn star perform. Available for every position but an unexciting choice for all of them.
David Robertson – Shut down for three weeks after a visit to see Dr. Freeze. Dr. James Andrews would’ve shut him down indefinitely, but Robertson had to go hawk some jewelry to pay for the doctor.
Aaron Nola – 3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.86. If you didn’t draft Nola, but wanted to, you haven’t learned anything. You just got off easy. You should be made to pay for the sins of drafting a top starter too. *removes belt* You will be punished! As soon as I change my pants, they’re chafing my groin. What? You thought I was going to spank you with my belt? You’re weird. As for Nola, everywhere that David Simon set a show is slumping. Granted, his shows are about slumping cities.
Pat Neshek – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.68 and his 2nd save. Hector Neris has pitched once in the last ten days, and that wasn’t even for a save. So, Gabe Kapler might’ve forgotten he was their closer, or more likely, he has no closer. I grabbed Neshek, but I bet he comes into a random game in the 6th inning in four days, then some other schmohawk gets a save. This is a closerousel and around, around it goes. Where it stops, not even Kapler knows.
Cesar Hernandez – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and his 2nd homer in five games, and hitting near-.375 in the last week. Mr. risin’ schmotato, gonna keep on risin’!
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. Moistasskiss!
Lorenzo Cain – 5-for-6 and his 4th steal, hitting .266. He’s on pace for 16/16, which is great for Wade Boggs’s eyes, not so much for a top outfielder.
Freddy Peralta – 4 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 6.16. This start was lame as a starter, but if he had an Opener in front of him, he would’ve been great. Give Freddy his 1st inning cushion!
Nicky Lopez – Called up by the Royals to play 2nd base with Merrifield moving to the outfield. Who is this Nicky Lopez kid who warrants that kind of move, to Whit? I’m glad you asked, Awkward Intro Question! Here’s what Prospect Mike said, “I tend to value pure hitting over other tools when I’m compiling these lists. Lopez scores well in that area. He’s also close to the majors with success in the upper minors. For a guy with below-average power, the fact that he hit nine homers between Double-A and Triple-A in 2018 was a pleasant surprise. Mix in his 15 steals and .308 average and I’m sold. Need more? His strikeout and walk rates were nearly identical in Triple-A (11%). That’s Jennifer Connelly beautiful. Or reverse whatever the hell Grey is.” C’mon, man! In Triple-A, Lopez had a 3.6% strikeout rate and a 14.5% walk rate. That’s goofy good. He also had three homers and 9 steals. Don’t want to compare anyone to Jose Altuve, but if the shoe fits–Actually, that’s a thimble. No, wait, that’s Altuve’s shoe? Damn. I tried to pick him up in all leagues, but Nicky no lucky.
Matthew Boyd – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.15. Can we talk about how I call him Matt some days and Matthew other days? I should call him Matthew when he doesn’t pitch well, and Matt when he does, because Matthew always makes me think the person said their name is “Matt” then sneezed. What are you allergic too, homey? Your name? That sucks. Okay, listen, this was not an easy start, so we’re going to forgive Matthew. Gesundheit!
Aledmys Diaz – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Okay, not much happened yesterday, so I’m trying to make a hot schmotato out of a mole-tato.
Robinson Chirinos – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Uh-oh, Chirinos!
Alex Bregman – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .275. Member how worried you were in the preseason about Bregman’s elbow? No? That’s because you’ve blocked it out.
Brad Peacock – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 4.01. His game log is all over the map, and I don’t mean because he’s pitched in different cities. One start is 7 IP, 12 Ks and pearly jams in the Rusty Kuntz, and other games it’s 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER and Cooter’s on the CB pulling over the Duke Boys. I have no confidence in Peacock right now, but I would own him in 100% of leagues, because, when shizz is right, it’s real right.
Robbie Ray – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.14. Robbie Ray was propped up to a huge early lead, and he coasted out for a free night at the W on the Ivictory Coast. Room and scoreboard were all on the house.
Jarrod Dyson – 2-for-5, 2 runs and two steals (8, 9). I’m embarrassed to admit I’ve owned Dyson for the better part of three weeks because my steals shituation is so dire. Yes, “He went to Jarrod,” for SAGNOF.
Eduardo Escobar – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .288. Fun fact! There’s a class you can take at Colombia University called Drug Dealing 101, that is sometimes abbreviated Edu-Escobar. That’s not Columbia University in New York, by the way.
Christian Walker – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .292. The White Walker has returned! What is dead will never die, except for any interest in Game of Thrones after this final season.
Jonathan Loaisiga – Hit the IL, and shut down for a month with a rotator cuff strain. Well, that’s not awful–*holds finger to earbud* Crap, there’s more…