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*digs nose into an open field of grass, lifts head, eyes filled with tears* This smells of my youth!

Passerby, “My dog just peed there, so probably smells of youth because you used to wet yourself.”

Baseball is back.

“Hello, Genie, I have three wishes for this baseball season. My first wish: No one I roster get hurt. My 2nd wish: Everyone I roster do well. I drafted Oneil Cruz everywhere so, really, I’m doing much of the heavy lifting for this wish. My 3rd and final wish: All 3rd base coaches send runners home by doing the Moonwalk. Thanking you in advance, Genie. Wait a second, you’re not a genie, you’re Bartolo Colon in Blue Man Group paint. Damn you!”

Welcome back to another season of baseball! This one won’t be like a lot of the ones in the past few decades or so, because singles up the middle are back, and the pitch clock. Can’t believe how little jock scratching is in baseball with this pitch clock. Baseball has gone woke! Bring back the slow, intimate groin adjustments that baseball was once famous for!

So, I’m glad I didn’t waste a wish on trying to keep Mets healthy, because that was never happening. Justin Verlander hit the IL with a low-grade teres major strain. Triston McKenzie just had one of these and now we have another? How many major strains are we getting this year? Wait a second, Rob Manfred didn’t make some sorta deal with a dispensary and this major strain is a tie-in, right? With Verlander out, I’d go ahead and grab Tylor Megill, and let’s hope he’s as good as previous seasons for Ks (9.9 K/9) and command (2.6 BB/9). Don’t be Slippin’ Megill! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

David Robertson – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save. Mets said Robertson won’t be the locked-in closer, but I’m saying I don’t buy that. We will see what happens, but my guess is it’s at least Robertson 90% of the time, unless, of course, he sucks, but that’s every closer. Buck Showalter just trying to get people to feel bad about their FAAB bids. I’m onto you, Buck!

Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. If any pitcher can overcome the Mets’ Mets’ing, it would be Max. It’s those demon eyes!

Tanner Scott – 1/3 IP, 2 ER. Should be in the running for saves early on with Dylan Floro and A.J. Puk. Also, Brazoban is my deep sleeper in Miami for saves. None of these guys make this afternoon’s Buy, but they’re here now if you need SAGNOF. Oh, yeah, there’s an afternoon Buy today. Welcome back to the fantasy baseball season! Oh, and that Buy/Sell has been available to Patreon members for the last week.

Sandy Alcantara – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. Bust! Kidding. Sorta.

Garrett Cooper – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he batted third in front of Jazz, which makes me let out a small el oh el, but if Cooper plays 150 games, he’s going to be valuable. Will he play for 150? Sure, over the course of three seasons.

Orlando Arcia – 1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI as he signed a three-year deal. Grissom must’ve said no to the Braves standard 13-year contract that buys out arbitration years, pre-30 Free Agent years, and right-of-first-refusal to first-born son.

Max Fried – Hit the IL with a strained hamstring. But a Fried hammy sounds so good!

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 2-for-6 and his 1st steal. Stole the first bag of the post-limited pickoff move MLB and it truly was hilarious when Corbin threw over a 2nd time and Tildaddy was saying to the ump, “That’s it! He only gets one!” The players don’t even know the new rules.

Franchy Cordero – Signed with the Yanks. I’m sure he’ll be greeted with open arms in the Bronx. I can hear Yankees fans now, “What da fook is a Franchy?

Aaron Judge – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Enough with the juiced balls!

Gleyber Torres – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and our first slam and legs of the season. Gleyber gonna eat (at Denny’s).

Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks. Cole was working much more up in the zone yesterday than he had been the previous season and it worked for Cole, which sounds like a political ad in West Virginia.

Logan Webb – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks. They call that a Webb gem.

Thairo Estrada – 2-for-4 and his 1st steal. Yup, he was a sleeper in the preseason, but serious pregunta, how did he go from hitting leadoff all preseason to batting sixth on Opening Day?

Jacob deGrom – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER. It would be ironic if deGrom was human everywhere away from the Mets. Like the exact opposite you think about when you think of the Mets.

Brad Miller – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. He also homered on Opening Day last year. Then from Game 2 thru 162 he’s Bad Miller.

Cristian Pache – Acquired by the Phils. He’s the anti-Phil. Call him The Empty. Which sounds like a new show on Apple TV. “This season on The Empty, an ex-con and an ex-cop team up to solve the world’s greatest mystery, who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?” Pache isn’t anything to worry about in mixed leagues yet, but I kinda hope he becomes something because it was truly puzzling why the A’s got rid of him. Moneyball 2: We Suck. Everyone that paid to read/see Moneyball should be reimbursed.

Aaron Nola – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER. Setting a reminder for myself right now for next year: Don’t start any pitchers the opening week.

Alec Bohm – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Bohm goes the dynamite!

Pablo Lopez – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. First Twins starter with 5+ scoreless on Opening Day since Berrios. And let that be the last time we compare Pab-Lo to Berrios.

Miles Mastrobuoni – 0-for-3, 1 run. I have nothing to say on him, but Mastrobuoni’s got some of the best shrimp scampi!

Marcus Stroman – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. Stroman also had the first pitch clock violation in MLB history. 30 years from now, I’m gonna be playing bar trivia and shock some people when I pull this one out. Then bite into a stale mozzarella stick and crack a tooth. Seriously, this crystal ball I bought off eBay is incredible.

Corbin Burnes – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. If you’re new to the site, I have to let you in on a little secret. Every time a top 10 starter gets hit, Grey gets a boner.

Luis Urias – Limped off the field with a hamstring injury. Oh no! It would be a real shame if the Brewers had to call up Sal Frelick.

Corbin Carroll – 0-for-3 as he hit 7th. They just signed Carroll to a long-term deal and he’s hitting 7th? But wait! There’s more! Jake McCarthy (0-for-3) hit 9th! The Dbags are such giant idiots. They’re the Rockies if the Rockies didn’t have the thorny crown of stupid.

Ryan Pepiot – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. Dodgers brought up Michael Grove to replace him, so now we know who to wish blowups and evil on to bring up Gavin Stone.

James Outman – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Going to start calling Outman: Pride Week, and see if we can’t get NHL players mad.

Alek Manoah – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER. First Anime Grey video of the year at the top of the page expresses concern about Manoah’s velocity, but I have to write the scripts for those a week in advance, and Manoah’s velocity looked solid yesterday, so don’t sell low off the shelling by the seashore.

George Springer – 5-for-6, 4 runs, 1 RBI, and Bo Bichette (4-for-6, 2 runs, 1 RBI). Jays’ lineup is like Dolly Parton. They are so top heavy. “Great, wow, sexy, I like that,” then Brandon Belt.

Miles Mikolas – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Started Manoah and Mikolas in multiple leagues, so I’m asking: Is it a bad day to quit barbiturates?

Brendan Donovan – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he hit leadoff. Check out my admittedly tepid bold prediction the other day in the Razzball Bold Predictions.

Tyler O’Neill – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. He was a sleeper of mine this preseason. Cust kayin’.

Willson Contreras – Left the game after taking a 103 MPH bing-bong off the knee. It didn’t look too bad, but usually doctors look at injuries a little more closely than a replay on a camera angle from 150 feet away, so don’t take my word for it.

Luis Castillo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 6 Ks. Wanted Castillo in every league this draft season, and like me trying to pronounce Luis Castillo I have nothing.

Ty France – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. A France homer? That’s as good as it baguettes!

Jose Siri – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. “Siri, who’s a guy who is under-rostered in fantasy that has me very intrigued?” “Sorry, Grey, were you asking me something? I was hanging out with Alexa, watching Jose Siri.”

Wander Franco – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. I don’t need players I don’t roster anywhere to perform poorly for me to do good. I should do good anyway. That brings me to Wander Franco, who I didn’t draft anywhere, and would love to see him do well. Don’t worry, I can still flash my last year ranking for him.

Oneil Cruz – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he hit leadoff. The first Cruz Missile of the year! I’m gonna love rostering this guy this year, aren’t I? Rhetorical! He’s absolutely going 40/40 this year or my name isn’t Grey “Mayor McCheese” Albright.

Ji-Hwan Bae – 2-for-3, 2 runs and two steals. This guy was a big target for me in NL-Only leagues for steals, but this year Daniel Vogelbach’s gonna steal 15 bags, so I have plenty.

Mitch Keller – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 Ks. Time to get working on the Mitch Keller 2024 breakout article.

Hunter Greene – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER. Okay, his bottom line could look better, but he was also throwing 108 MPH on every pitch. He’ll be fine.

Spencer Steer – 1-for-2 and his 1st homer. Spencer Steer is this year’s Brandon Drury, and the previous year’s Moustakas, the previous year’s Scott Schebler, the previous year’s Scooter Gennett, the previous year’s Adam Duvall, the previous year’s Zack Cozart, the previous year’s Jay Bruce, the previous year’s Todd Frazier!

Liam Hendriks – Won’t be placed on the 60-day IL, which could mean the White Sox are expecting him back before the end of May. If that’s the case, then Hendriks is one of the top IL stashes. Dude’s beating back non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma like Vinnie and Pauly D beat back the beat.

Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Once a year one Spring Training narrative becomes true in the regular season. Could this year’s be Yasmani is fixed? Cause it sure as shizz ain’t Kelenic is.

Dylan Cease – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 10 Ks. Just had a glorious thought, what if Cease is as good as last year with great control?

Yordan Alvarez – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Captain Woo Cubano sent those worries about his hand about 450 feet into the outfield seats.

Reynaldo Lopez – 1 IP, 1 ER, and the 1st save. Good that he got the save. Not great that it wasn’t clean. Prolly irrelevant since he was used as the closer and usage is 95% of the battle. (Just made up that math.)

Adley Rutschman – 5-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. I would’ve liked owning this guy. Too bad he’s a catcher. Hey, we all draw imaginary lines, and I’m the mother-effing rhombus of imaginary lines.

Cedric Mullins – 1-for-4, 2 runs and 2 steals. Baseball is so awesome now. It’s like everyone’s doing coke with Ron LeFlore.

Ramon Urias – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Could we have our first hot schmotato of the season?! Prolly not, but you never know.

Corey Kluber – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Corey Klubbed.

Shohei Ohtani – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, and 1-for-3, as he took a no decision vs. the A’s, who aren’t just trying to lose, they’re trying to be very bad so they’re moved to Vegas. I’m about to sign the petition dot org, “Get Ohtani out of Anaheim” campaign.

Dany Jimenez – 1 IP, 0 ER, and the save. Not sure where I got the brilliant idea that Trevor May (1 IP, 0 ER) was the closer, but maybe by May for May.

Kyle Muller – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. His final line looks okay, but he did not look look very good, but you’re welcome to use the Streamonator on him.

Blake Snell – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER. Don’t worry, Snell will be great in August when you’re in 8th place and mock drafting your fantasy football team.

Daniel Bard – Will start the year on the IL with anxiety. Although, he shares three letters with barn, Bard can’t hit the broadside of one right now. The yips are a serious problem for today’s modern athlete. “$10 million dollars and you want me to throw the ball over the plate? Are you crazy?” *spikes ball into the ground* I’m handcuffing Bard with Dinelson Lamet, but “Prince Albert” Pierce Johnson and Brad Hand are there and might be more worthwhile. Dinelson Lamet (1 IP, 0 ER) worked the 7th inning. No, it wasn’t a doubleheader in 2020, and no the 7th inning wasn’t really the 9th. I could spin this that Lamet was used in the 7th because that was the most important inning, but that would mean saying Bud Black was smart. This might be Prince Albert’s job. Hard to say right now.

C.J. Cron – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homers. Don’t forget to bench Cron on the road! He said as he slowly drifted off into space.

Elehuris Montero – 2-for-5 and his homer. This is the best: For six months we hear nothing but how the Padres are going to be great and the Rockies will be awful. Then, it’s Opening Day, and the Rockies beat up on the Padres. Baseball is the best. Thanks for being back!