Daniel Murphy is the hottest homophobe since Kirk Cameron got three offers in one week for three different Christian movies, “A Behind…Left Behind,” “Groundhog’s Day Is For Satanists, God Makes The Seasons,” and “Make Me Dinner Woman, And No Leftovers.” Daniel Murphy’s hotter than Kim Davis looks to lesbians looking for a challenge. Daniel Murphy is hotter than Ted Nugent’s nougat, which he has to heat to 214 degrees to get the sugar to melt. Yesterday, Murphy went 4-for-5, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer while hitting .398 on the year. I’m not saying we need to throw Ted Williams’s head in the microwave to defrost, but we may want to leave it on the counter to slowly bring it to room temperature. Okay, Murphy’s BABIP is absurdly high (.427), which means he’s hitting about a hundred points too high, so his average will come down. He’s also not hitting for a ton of power, so it’s a good story right now for the MLB that their hottest hitter is a bigot — The Ghost of Ty Cobb, “That sounds rad.” — but it’ll end eventually. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Anthony Rendon – 0-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .231. This oh-fer came when the Nats scored 13 runs. Ticker tease! Rendon has to be moved down the lineup at some point or it’s revealed Dusty is sitting on the bench with those glasses on that have wide open eyes pasted on them and he’s sound asleep.
Bryce Harper – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. This comes on the heels of him signing the largest endorsement deal ever for a baseball player, a ten-year deal with Under Armour. Crazy the clothing supplier for Medieval Times can afford that.
Billy Hamilton – Sat out again yesterday with a jammed thumb. Thumb up the jam, thumb it up!
Ross Ohlendorf – 1 IP, 1 ER in the ninth, but ended the game with the Reds winning. That’s right, he almost threw a clean inning while the Reds had a lead. There’s no roof in Great American Ballpark for balloons to fall from, but if there were, balloons shaped like Tim Conway playing The Dorf would have fell. I guess this means Ohlendorf is the closer, which is an endorsement like every elected Republican official has for Donald Trump.
Eugenio Suarez – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. He must’ve heard people starting to talk about dropping him. Nice work, Eugeniuses!
Brandon Phillips – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, while getting caught trying to steal 2nd. When he stood up after being caught, would’ve been a good time for someone to Mystery Science Theater in Danny Glover from Lethal Weapon.
Zack Cozart – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .342 as he returned to action. Somehow I drafted Cozart on about four different teams. *raises the championship belt* Only 2nd to my drafting of Matt Holliday five times. *Nevada Gaming Commission takes away belt*
Adam Duvall – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 4th homer, and 2nd in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Dan Straily – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.56. He reminds me of Chris Tillman in that Straily would be very useful in an NL-Only league (where Tillman would be same in AL-Only), but for mixed leagues, I’d expect mixed results. Tillman is showing slightly better peripherals, but will have much worse matchups. Was surprised to see the Stream-o-Nator bleh on Straily yesterday, must be due to the Giants, because it loves him for his next start vs. the Pirates, and I could see streaming him.
Joe Panik – Could return on Saturday. Yesterday, he did agility drills for his groin. Gives a whole new meaning to working the medicine balls.
Jake Peavy – 6 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 9.00. Peavy’s reaction to John Danks being designated for assignment: gulp.
Brandon Belt – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer, hitting .323 with a .444 OBP. Also in this game, Conor Gillaspie went 1-for-4 with his 1st homer. Elias Sports Bureau said Brando ‘n Gillaspie was also how Marlon Brando was referred to on the set of The Freshman, because Brando would say gibberish followed by pie.
Tim Lincecum – Giants expressing interest in the former two-time Cy Young winner and three-time bong master. Lincecum would slot in perfectly with Matt Cain and Peavy, thinks no one except Brian Sabean.
Domingo Santana – Scratched again with shoulder soreness. His brother, Flamingo, said, “I don’t have shoulders.”
Hernan Perez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. I mentioned him on the last podcast as a guy I took a flyer on to get playing time while Scooter’s out in my NL-Only league. This is not an endorsement of Perez. More of a Cust kayin’.
Garrett Richards – Questionable for Friday’s start due to dehydration. Hey, I’m no doctor, but has he tried to drink water?
Joe Smith – 2 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save. He entered the game in the eighth because, I can only assume, The Sciosciapath forgot Huston Street was hurt.
Rafael Ortega – 1-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal, hitting .294 and in the two-hole. Ortega is hitting around .350 in the last week, has speed and won’t crack under the pressure of overflowing taco meat.
Hector Santiago – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.58. This was a tough matchup. Remember, Miller and Coors, makes your P leave real quick.
Mike Trout – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Yawn. Do something spectacular, you giant gilled-man.
Tyler Chatwood – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. Cesar Vargas – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. This was a Pick ‘Em Up, as in no one has any idea who these pitchers are but they were in Petco and one team is terrible on the road and one is just terrible.
Aledmys Diaz – 1-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs as he hit leadoff. Him on top of the order is Aledmys with me!
Mike Leake – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.03. That is the new blech. Mike Leake needs to call Mike Plumber cause shizz is broke.
Odubel Herrera – 2-for-4, and his 3rd homer. Delino who? This is O’Shizz!
Ryan Howard – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd in as many games. That’s one homer per $3.2 million. Not too bad!
Jeanmar Gomez – 2/3 IP, 2 ER and his 1st blown save. Are you saying a guy with a 5.4 career K-rate isn’t going to save 50 straight? Geez, universe, not cool.
Corey Kluber – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.35. So, maybe selling him after his three awful starts into the year wasn’t the best move. Oopsie for you!
Nick Castellanos – 2-for-3 as he hits .378. He’s available in 40% of ESPN leagues. In related news, Karabell owns 40% of ESPN leagues to fill up his virtual trophy shelf.
Felix Hernandez – 4 IP, 4 ER and 4 unearned. Well, he didn’t walk anyone. Well, Part II: Don’t Fall In The Well 80’s Child, he only struck out one guy. Well, Part III: Dawn Wells Is Still Hot At 77, I told you not to draft F-Her, then I doubled up on that by saying to sell him last week.
Dae-Ho Lee – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer. I saw the box score with D. Lee and was like, “That 7-foot Cubs first baseman is back? That is awesome!” Then I sucked my teeth and was like, “Dae-Ho!” Save the ‘Should I pick him up’ drama for your mamas, he’s one of those LLAMAS.
Leonys Martin – 1-for-4, 1 run and his 3rd steal. I’m cyclops’ing this guy so hard because I love me some power/speed players.
Ketel Marte – 2-for-6, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .289 as he hit in the two-hole. Would love to see the Mariners go with a top of the order of Marte/Martin, which sounds like Nutty Professor characters for the non-landlubbers.
Sean Manaea – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, but-but-but he looked so good for the first four innings. Yeah, I ain’t got time for bird sex, and I don’t have time for a rookie pitcher to figure it out. I’m actively looking at waivers for a different pitchers to replace Manaea.
Marcus Semien – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer. This Semien shot came off F-Her. Hehe.
Alex Rodriguez – Hit the DL with a strained hamstring. A-Rod said the doctor prescribed rest, relaxation and Snapchatting with very manly women.
CC Sabathia – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.81. After the game, in an awkward ceremony, Sabathia got the Budweiser, This Bud’s For You Player of the Game. Too bad O’Doul’s only sponsors Little League.
Jacoby Ellsbury – 3-for-3, 1 run and his 2 steals (6, 7). I believe this is the first time he’s stolen two bags in a game in over three years where it didn’t end with a pulled hamstring. I’ll have to check. *doesn’t check anything* Yup, I’m right.
Clay Buchholz – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. That’s nice, I’d want to see at least three more before I went back in on him.
Jose Abreu – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. El Grande Dolor!
Carlos Rodon – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Red Sox. Well, it wasn’t beautiful, but it wasn’t ugly either. Basically, the absolute worst start he could’ve thrown to give you an idea if you should drop or hold him.
Steven Matz – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.83. For those of you in the back of the room, listen to the teams in the Mets’ division: Marlins, Braves, Phils. Even Harvey, with a fastball as existent as a giant imaginary rabbit, will be hard-pressed to not put up stellar numbers.
Lucas Duda – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homers. Duda should take a cue from Encarnacion and round the bases with a bluebird on his shoulder.
Asdrubal Cabrera – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I mentioned yesterday how Asdrubal hit a few balls hard, and now he squared up a homer. The Ghost of Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes would like a piece of that hot schmotato risin’!
Jose Altuve – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. He’s on a 50 homer pace. He’s not even 50 inches tall!
Carlos Correa – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Hey, someone found the connecting flight back into Living Up To The Hype-Ville, which is a terrible name. Need to talk to its mayor, Bryce Harper.
Jason Castro – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many days. That also gives Jason Castro’s mom two homers from her catcher slot. Sadly, no one else benefited.
Colby Rasmus – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .231. Member when he was a thing? Chris Shelton does.
Justin Bour – Missed yesterday after dislocating his pinkie. Check the end of your hand.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Only 41 more to go, hot buns!
J.T. Realmuto – 3-for-4, 1 run, hitting .329 as he stays in the leadoff slot, hitting almost .450 in the last week. Not even owned in 50% of ESPN leagues. Y’all moved on to fantasy badminton?
Jose Fernandez – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.28. They say control is the last thing to return for a Tommy John surgery pitcher, and, right now, the last thing has not returned yet for Jo-Fer.
Rubby De La Rosa – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.60. Well, he was a streamer and he goes to Coors next, so that’s the Rubby.
David Peralta – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Didn’t buy the narrative in the preseason that Peralta was going to break out this year. Still don’t. He hits about as many fly balls as Denard Span and DJ LeMahieu. Lowercase yay.
Jake Lamb – 2-for-4, 1 run. He’s baaaaaaaahck.
Adrian Beltre – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .286. I meant to say this yesterday but it banana peeled my mind. Beltre got old. I know, illuminating! I was watching him hit the other day and he got into one that would’ve been a homer three years ago, and it was a lazy fly ball to the right fielder. I’d be surprised if he gets to 20 homers.
Colby Lewis – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.32. Hey, Lewis, where were you about 17 blurbs ago? I could’ve used you in my Nutty Professor analogy. Oh, well, you suck! Or does he?! The reversal question! AH!!! Um, yeah, Lewis isn’t very good. His xFIP is near-5, and his K/9 minus BB/9 is under 4. Belch.
Aaron Sanchez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.82. Looks like he’s on the verge of being a number one as soon as the 2nd half of this year. It might not happen until next year, but it’s coming.
Erisbel Arruebarrena – Suspended for the season for failure to comply with the terms of his contract. His contract explicitly said print and sign his name. You can’t put Arru-something-something.
Steve Pearce – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd game in a row with a homer, hitting .300. For those who have been at this fantasy thing for an Urban Dictionary minute, which is actually a long time, you know that Pearce can get in the schmotato zone, said like the commercials for AutoZone.
Steven Souza – 1-for-2 and his 6th homer, but left the game with a pectoral spasm. That is the worst kind of -asm.
Brandon Guyer – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Hey, it’s that Guyer from that thing.
Curt Casali – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Wow, the best thing that ever happened to me from drafting Mesoraco was losing him. Thank you, you ugly *uckling! Casali hit ten homers in only 38 games last year, so he has some power.
Drew Smyly – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. For some reason, he turned into Tommy Milone whenever he had an 0-2 or 1-2 count yesterday. You Smyly or you Smiloney? Your choice, but make it fast!
Jason Heyward – Continues to be sidelined with a sore wrist. And I’m on the sidelines pist. His fly balls were already hist. I’m thirsty, Cougs, hand me my Sierra Mist.
Anthony Rizzo – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .260. HR to the Rizzo!
Javier Baez – 3-for-5, 2 runs. hitting .341. He’s benefited from playing with Heyward being out, but, once Heyward returns, Baez is just a four-letter word, as is won’t, and also play.
Jon Lester – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks. How is no one stealing bases against Lester this year? Did he just decide to add that element to his game? Was he just too lazy previous years? Was it a New Year’s resolution? I need to know!
Juan Nicasio – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners and three more unearned runs. Ray Searage watching Nicasio is like explaining the baseball term ‘shagging flies’ to a Brit. They understand the words, but they just think it’s insect sex.
Gregory Polanco – 1-for-3, hitting .300 with a .405 OBP, as he batted eighth. In related news, Clint Hurdle is off his meds. “Hello, man wondering the streets in front of my house that is muttering to himself, do you own Polanco? No? You are Clint Hurdle? I should’ve known.” I wish Hurdle were running for the Republican nomination so Trump could come up with some derogatory name for him that isn’t really catchy, but he repeats 10,000 times until the country makes it catchy. How about Dopey Clint? Stupidin’ Clint? Spazzin’ Clint? WTF, Clint?!
