N-Mart Is Like H-Mart Except He Sells BibimBABIP

It’s not all bad news that you don’t have Nick Martinez on any teams. If you drafted him instead of Paul Skenes in the 2nd round, your leaguemates would’ve lured you into Patrick’s basement. (Patrick is your leaguemate and the stock broker who keeps trying to get you in his fund, and you’re like, “Patrick, I’ll run it by the missus,” and you never mention it to her, because you know Patrick is an idiot.) Then, once in Patrick’s basement, they would’ve waterboarded you until you admitted you were a time traveler or a witch for drafting Nick Martinez instead of Skenes. Yesterday, Nick Martinez went 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.93, and he might have the most hilariously awful peripherals anyone’s ever seen — . 5.3 K/9, 1.3 BB/9, 4.50 xFIP. Is this 1976 with those strikeouts and is he Doyle Alexander? By the way, I went to look at some old strikeout rates for this reference and Randy Jones won the Cy Young in 1976 with a 2.7 K/9. He threw 315 1/3 IP. I legit just wet myself. From laughing tears, you sicko! I’m still staggering from that strikeout rate. 2.7! Well, Nick Martinez isn’t that bad (good?) but pray the regression never comes. Or maybe pray it does come so you can get released from Patrick’s basement. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Shane McClanahan – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.10. McClanahanananananananananan’s throws more “an”s at you than pitches, but at least he’s back to making them count.

Brandon Young – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.50. Streamonator doesn’t like his next one, and I don’t either, so [raspberries lips].

Shane Baz – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.04. Nothing I’d love than to say Bazung and move on, but he was crazy unlucky to give up three earned. So, Bazung with caveats.

Colton Cowser – 2-for-3 and his 12th homer, hitting .219 and now in the eight hole. You’re not an Orioles prospect if you’re not back-sliding.

Logan Henderson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.60. Check out Brew being more Rasmussen than Drew. “Student, teacher, teacher, student, who is who?” The young pupil said to his karate instructor and the instructor replied, “You paid me to be here, that makes me the teacher.”

Tyler Mahle – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at Mahle taking the Martin Perez juice, putting it through a Vitamix and distilling it to its pure essence of Vet Who Is Decent. Streamonator loves Mahle’s next start.

Michael Harris II – 1-for-5 and his 21st homer. Megahertz you! You being the Brewers. They’ll get over it.

Ryan Weathers – 3 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.60, and left with forearm discomfort. Guy Who’s Never Stayed Healthy For Longer Than 86 2/3 IP Still Can’t, news at 11. Followed by the Weathers.

George Lombard Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .288, and recorded his 4th error. Not sure if it was smart to turn to Volpe to be Lombard’s fielding coach.

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Ya know what makes Spencer Jones’s contact look so much better? When he’s hitting for a better average than Jazz.

Trent Grisham – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .221. Who’s hitting for a better average, Grisham or Jazz? Bzzt–Wait, you got it right? Yes, it’s Grisham.

Carlos Rodon – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.15. He threw 10 more pitches yesterday than the start before (76), so maybe he can go five innings by his next start. Lowercase yay!

Cody Bellinger – 1-for-4, 1 run as he was activated from the IL. Just saw Giancarlo suffered another calf strain and this might be it for his bid to 500 homers, and I’m gonna need Cody to spark me up a fatty as I’m depressed.

Dylan Cease – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 2.37. If the season ended today, I’d give Dylan Cease the AL Cy because that would make Yankees fans the angriest.

Jose Soriano – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.43. Soriano said after his trade, Vlad Jr. pulled him aside to tell him on the Jays everyone disappoints. Soriano said, “No sweat, I was on the Angels. I can handle that!”

Luis Castillo – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.19. White Sox should mess with Castillo by telling him they’re going to piggyback him with Urquidy.

Tristan Peters – 2-for-4 and a slam (9) and legs (7), and 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert!

Christian Scott – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.73. I hate myself for saying it before even saying it but Scott’s underlying numbers look like they might make a nice 2027 sleeper. Pelt me with tomatoes all you want! They do!

Nolan McLean – 6 IP, 0 ER,. 1 hit, 4 BBs, 6 Ks, ERA 3.21. McSizzleLean.

Jonah Cox – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. I saw a Tiktok of people trying to name five WNBA players and I was like, “I’m not sexist, I can’t name five WNBA, NBA, NFL, or NHL players, but I can name every MLB player.” That was before I encountered Jonah Cox. Looks like he’s SAGNOF in the LLAMAS pen, i.e., Cox has to get over some humps.

Nick Sogard – 2-for-3, 2 runs, and his 2nd homer, and his 2nd homer in four games. I guess hot schmotato, but holy yawnstipating.

Jake Bennett – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.49. Struggled in the last few weeks, and has moved to a Streamonator call for me now. Yesterday’s matchup was excellent; his next is not.

Michael Soroka – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.40, and hit the IL with shoulder inflammation. Ugh, this is the kind of start — at home vs. the Reds — where he even let 2nd Half Elly hit him, and was clearly off from the jump. Couldn’t they have figured out the shoulder issue in the pregame? DBacks said Soroka will be ready as soon as his IL stint is up. Oh…[walks from Maine to Florida]…kay.

Casey Mize – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.44, and sprained his ankle slipping down the dugout steps. He couldn’t banana peel himself down the stairs prior to giving up four runs? Hit the Life Alert for the Fallen and Can’t Get Up before taking the mound in the 1st. I got gripes!

Max Muncy – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, 2nd homer this week. This is Ma’s Muncy and the A’s are going home for a week [wink, wink, nudge, nudge, kazoo] Schmotato!

Hunter Brown – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.51. Crazy how broke Brown is and no one is sending him for surgery or whatever he needs. Sure, this wasn’t the worst start in the world. Dot dot dot. Until you realize it was vs. the A’s on the road!

Jose Altuve – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. He is so done and dusted. Put him out to pasture with the other pygmy goats.

Isaac Paredes – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer. Remarkable that he has 17 homers, because he has two homers this month, and I can’t remember him being hot at any point this season.

Cristopher Sanchez – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.62. Someone’s trying to get NL Cy votes by saying, “But look at my walk rate!”

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 39th homer. He had the good fortune of coming in to face Riley O’Brien, who was being Creed’d by heavyweight Drago’s like Edmundo Sosa and Justin Crawford, and Schwarber landed the knockout.

Kyle Leahy – 4 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.13, and now on a strict innings limit, so night-night Ma, night-night Pa, night-night fantasy relevance.

Riley O’Brien – 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.93. Kazaam!

Michael Wacha – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.49. Should be nicer to Wacha, because he’s pitching perfectly fine for a backend starter. Decent ratios and zippo is fine for the last starter on your fantasy team.

Salvador Perez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 1st steal. Tigers should’ve never allowed him to get a 89-foot lead.

John Rave – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (3) and double legs (3, 4), hitting .215. Fun fact! Rave’s bat is a giant glowstick.

Kevin McGonigle – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, 2nd homer in a week. Police chief in movies, “McGonigle!”

Fernando Tatis Jr. – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and a double slam (16, 17) and legs (29), hitting .290. This month: 9 HRs, 18 RBIs, three steals and hitting around .300. Fun The Jewels!

Walker Buehler – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.63 vs. Bailey Ober – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.49. This matchup was billed as, “Obuehler? Obuehler. Obuehler? Obuehler.”

Brooks Lee – 1-for-3 and his 20th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. I can’t tell yet if Lee’s having one of those seasons where he’s wildly underrated next year and is a sleeper, even though he’s already broke out this year. Or if it’s one where people are saying next year, “You go ahead and take Cedanne Rafaela in the 8th round, I’ll take Brooks in the 15th round and get better production,” and then he sucks.

Andy Pages – Hit the IL with a hand fracture. Brutal blow, that was Pages’s dog-earing hand. He can be dropped in redrafts. Sidney Poitier voice, “Will they call up Mr. Tibbs?” No, they called up Alek Thomas. Ya know why, right? If they called up Tibbs, then it would be obvious he’s not as good as advertised, and the Marlins won’t give Eury Perez to the Dodgers for him next year.

Tyler Glasnow – Expected back on Tuesday. Oh, wow, the giant Dodgers’ calculator that computes how long a player can pitch to make it to Game 7 of the World Series returned August 25th, huh? Cool.

Edwin Diaz – Should be ready to return on September 2nd when his IL stint is over. Dodgers said, “Yeah, because there was no actual injury.” They also said Tanner Scott would continue to close when Edwin returns.

Tarik Skubal – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.91. Okay, now we’re cooking with gas!

Blake Snell – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.57. Mad about Ohtani and deferred payments? Pfft! Try getting mad about how the Dodgers make up injuries for months just so Snell (Glasnow and Will Smith) would be fresh for the playoffs.

Kade Anderson – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, as he was called-up. Went over him on Friday in my Kade Anderson fantasy. I would pick him up everywhere.

Randy Arozarena – 1-for-4 and his 20th homer, and 3rd homer in two games. Becomes the 5th player with six consecutive 20/20 seasons. The other four are…? Honestly, I have no idea. Guessing Rickey, Alfonso, and both Bonds. The Rice Bowl singlehandedly won Saturday’s game with two homers and robbing one off Amaya’s bat. Wasn’t as crazy as the home run robbery by Jacob Young yesterday. If you didn’t see it, find it. He ran up a wall like a spider who was a man. Hmm, good idea for a movie.

Bryce Miller – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.12. I said he didn’t seem rosterable anymore last time out. I don’t just say stuff like that to exceed a word count.

Ian Happ – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 22nd homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Well, yeah, he got to face that bum Bryce Miller.

Pete Crow-Armstrong – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (33) and legs (32). Imma about to start calling him the King of Slam & Legs, which is an incredibly huge honor. In some circles, it’s held in a higher esteem than MVP.

Pedro Ramirez – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .285, and with Dansby out, Pedro should have a starting job. This year, he has a 12/26 combined Triple-A and majors and hit .312 in the minors and only has a 19.2 K% and what’s not to like?! His playing time was iffy before, but it’s there now and I could see being in on him in all leagues for power, speed and average.

Shota Imanaga – 2 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.78. Lucky to not give up a lot more runs, and out after 72 pitches. He goes more hot and cold than a thermostat.

Eury Perez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (3 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 3.17. I wanna get to “Eury Perez is an ace” so bad, but his K-BB% is just okay, and, when all I really care about is K-BB%, it kinda makes things difficult!

Elias Diaz – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. I rarely mention random schmohawks who are irrelevant for us, but I just wanted to say Elias Diaz is one homer behind the Vlad Jr. pace.

Cal Quantrill – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.90. On last week’s podcast, guest host Mike said to grab Quantrill because of the Streamonator and I got off the horn with him and did that and thank you very much! That was a very nice week.

Ezequiel Duran – 1-for-3 and his 14th homer. Made quite a few errors in the preseason, but one of my biggest regrets that only I prolly have is not drafting Ezequiel. I drafted Ezequiel for the last five years in deep leagues because of his position eligibility. In draft and holds, position eligibility helps so much when injuries hit. He’s nearly top 100 on the Player Rater. He wasn’t even drafted in my draft and hold that goes to 750 picks.

Zach Neto – 2-for-5 and his 22nd homer. He’s had a nice week; he has not had the greatest 2nd half.

Ryan Johnson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.75. Good news is you type “Ryan Jo” into any baseball website’s search and you see Joe Ryan. Bad news is, well, there wasn’t really good news about Ryan Johnson.

Nolan Schanuel – Hit the IL with an oblique injury. Not as oh-bleak as his hitting tool.

Wade Meckler – Hit the IL with a concussion. Angels asked him what his name was, and he said, “Wade Meckler,” and they thought he was Adam Frazier, so they put him in concussion protocol.