Anderson’s Promotion Is Finally Oh Kade By The Mariners

Mariners’ Jerry Dipoto watching the giant clock that reads, “Rookie Eligibility Manipulation.” The big hand reads, “Service Time,” and the smaller hand reads, “Under 45 Days Active to Maintain Rookie Eligibility.” Dipoto remarks to his assistant, “Why didn’t they put ‘Under 45 Days Active to Maintain Rookie Eligibility’ on the big hand and ‘Service Time’ on the small hand?” The assistant says, “Hmm, I don’t know, sir, but I can contact the clockmaker if you want.” So, Kade Anderson was finally called up. Here’s what I said a few weeks ago, “First off, you gotta see Kade Anderson and the Watchmen’s Millennium Clock sitting on his shoulders:

That’s not a neck, that’s a flagpole. Every morning they send his head up to the top. Lilliputians free solo Kade’s neck like it’s El Capitan. Kade Anderson, are you wearing your Beaker Halloween costume already? So, it’s not just his hat that’s reached great heights. He has in the minors. As a 21-year-old, he’s done all you can in the minors already. He could step into the Mariners’ rotation right now and likely be their number three. And their rotation isn’t bad!” And that’s me quoting me! I take back none of it, except that last line. Their rotation is a mess. Kade Anderson threw 93 1/3 IP, 13 K/9, 1.3 BB/9, 1.06 ERA in the minors this year. I just chortled. He’s the best starting pitcher in the minors and should be rostered everywhere. He should’ve been up months ago. LFG, you giant Beaker! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

George Kirby – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.18. M’s are like the Jays in that they’re getting the 1% worst outcome for their players. Kirby’s xFIP went from 3.25 to 3.90 year over year and he’s only 28. He should not be declining like this. His Ks went from 9.8 K/9 to 7.5. That’s the world’s longest woof. His velo is fine, so it’s likely a release point issue, but that’s irrelevant if he can’t figure it out. He’s still okay-enough at home, so depends on matchups, but he’s not much more than a Marginer right now. Streamonator says he goes home next, so that’s good.

Robert Gasser – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.79. Did Dustin May cause the Brewers’ pitching coach to quit?

Garrett Mitchell – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .261. Might be the most “Should be so much better, according to his peripherals” hitter, and that gets us…[waits for twenty-five years to hear what that gets us, but there’s nothing but silence]…I don’t think that gets us anything. I need to take a nap.

Jacob Wilson – Hit the IL and his season is likely over. Bro and five lady bros, what on earth is going on with all my beautiful A’s? All our pets’ heads are falling off. It’s brutal. I have all these Bing Bong’ers on my hands and my hands are empty. I lost Kurtz, Langeliers, Soderstrom and Wilson in a few weeks. I don’t like that. On the bright side, stream everyone vs. the A’s on the road.

Gage Jump – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.83. There’s going bad, and there’s getting rocked in Kansas City. This is the latter.

Maikel Garcia – Headed back to the IL with a hamstring injury, and it feels like deja vu. Does that mean it’s The Matrix? Or, I guess, it’s The Maik-nix. And like an excited priest might say, ooh, it’s Massey time!

Bobby Witt Jr. – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 16th homer, hitting .286. All praise to the joys de Witt if he Norman Fell to you at three in drafts.

Daniel Palencia – Activated from the IL. Welcome back, Reason Why I Don’t Want To Ever Watch The WBC Again Because It Wrongly Informed Me On How Good Palencia Can Be. If I’m the Cubs, I’d make like MJ, and remember how good the Webb guy has been and count on him for saves. Palencia could see chances though, because teams don’t always make the right move.

Samy Natera Jr. – Hit the IL, due to his back, and I can only hope that Ben Joyce will now get all Angels saves. Will he? In that question resides the meaning of life. Good luck figuring it out!

Peter Lambert – 3 2/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 3.68. Ya could maybe, I don’t know, possibly, interjection, spread the regression out a bit. Holy brutal beating, Batman.

Zach Neto – 5-for-6, 2 runs, 7 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .231. People have been complaining that Neto stopped hitting about a month ago, and no one likes an I Told Ya So (well, no one but me) but he was my 2nd half sell (with Altuve, Meyer and Burns — three out of four ain’t bad, with apologies to Meatloaf).

Grayson Rodriguez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.41. Angels scored buckets of runs and Grayson docked out on Ivictory Island for a free night at the W.

Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.11. Some days are Cole on the diamonds, some days are rocks, some doors are open, some doors are locked…

Luis Garcia Jr. – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 25th homer, and 2nd homer as a Yankee. LuGaJu! Was watching the game when he homered and I realized that the Yankees don’t have a dugout home run celebration. It’s a culture thing, supposedly. Ha, sure. You’re not playing a game for a living. This is serious business.

Spencer Jones – 3-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (6) and legs (7), hitting .227. That’s in 150 at-bats. Extrapolating (because if I prorate then Mr. Prorater parachutes into my office) and that’s around 20/24 for Jones, and that sounds like the least indicative extrapolating I’ve ever heard. Babe Ruth looking at the 6′ 7″ Jones, “He’s a what now? 20/24 hitter? He’s two of me!”

Dylan Beavers – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he’s clearly one hot Beavers.

Kyle Bradish – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.70. As mentioned above, I watched this game, and you’re lucky they don’t score games on how they seem to be going, because this start felt like a 4 IP, 5 ER outing.

Jordan Walker – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 26th homer, 2nd homer in two games, 3rd homer in a week, and 4th homer since you were like, “Ooh, he stopped hitting after the Home Run Derby. I’m big baby and I need homers every day!”

Michael McGreevy – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.54. Cards’ rotation is like this, “That guy is kinda good…that guy is kinda bad…and I have no idea which is which.” For all of them!

Matt McLain – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer, a grand slam. Elly De La Cruz said, “McLain hit the ball over the wall? And that’s legal?”

Brady Singer – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.72. Got no-decision’d by a Dane Myers error. Myers said, “But I’m the outfielder Dana Dane with fame!” And everyone who streamed Singer wishes that ball was a block of cinder, fella.

Grant Holmes – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.64, as he carried a no-hitter into the 7th inning. Holmes has one of the longest pregame rituals. He wakes around 6 AM, and then a team of hair stylists begin their work. Each hair is wrapped around a drumstick like a maypole. Then the hair is glazed with cinnamon bun frosting and Crisco. One hair stylist, in confidentiality, said one time someone remarked, “It smells like Auntie Anne’s in here,” and was unceremoniously fired. Another hair stylist told us Mr. Holmes screams at his hair if he pitches poorly, thinking he derives all power from it. Yesterday, there was no doubt power was derived from somewhere. Out of 24 starts, Holmes has allowed three or fewer runs in 22 in them, and has been solid since June 17th, barring one start (his previous). And, to cherrypick in further, he had a 3.29 ERA in April. He was really only iffy from May 1st through mid-June.

Anthony Kay – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.96. Anthony Kay’d six…Did someone say Kade Anderson? Sorry, distracted! Streamonator doesn’t like Kay’s next one, and I can’t get excited for him.

CJ Abrams – Day-to-day with a sprained ankle. If this is due to them randomly moving him to 2nd base, I’m going to lose my shizz. This is the problem with teams that are forfeiting the season. Guys just throw their hands up and are like, “What’s the point?” The point is my fantasy team!

Andrew Alvarez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Sitting on 8.3 K/9, 4.1 BB/9 and 3.87 xFIP with a 50% ground ball rate. That’s a pitcher who can be unlucky and have a 5+ ERA or neutral on luck and being doing what he is doing.

Jacob deGrom – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.77. He should be day-to-day with forearm tightness more–Wait a second! That’s how he’s been all of his career! No wonder he’s so good. Speaking of careers, he passed 2,000 strikeouts last night, and was 2nd quickest to do that, which is funny because him and Chris Sale are so old and the “quickest.”

Corey Seager – 2-for-4 and his 13th homer. Any chance at all you’re drafting him before pick 200 next year?

Gavin Williams – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.72. In 2027, I’m about to draft Williams as my first starter, Messick as my 2nd and Cantillo as my third and punt, punt, punt, then try whomever they name as their fifth.

Willy Adames – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer, hitting .229. Hasn’t done much as far as power goes recently, but he usually gets hot in spurts, aka Willy for dong.

Landen Roupp – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.34. I’d say he tied his owners to the WHIPping post, but does he have owners? [looking at Streamonator for his ownership numbers]…86%?! Wow! For full disclosure, that is from NFBC, so not the RCLs, but 86% feels high. As in some people are high. “I’m interested in learning more.” That’s Cody Bellinger.

Ian Seymour – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.17. If you’re curious about Seymour, and why wouldn’t you be curious? You read stuff you’re not interested in often? You ever read a owner’s manual for a microwave? Press start and move on with your life. Any hoo! Seymour looks fantastic. His starter/reliever splits are gorge. Prior to yesterday, he had a 12.2 K/9, 1.9 BB/9 as a starter. I’m sorry, are you trying to get a sleeper post written about you? You’re doing well, if that’s your goal.

Shane Bieber – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.53. His underlying numbers read as: Should be outta baseball by next year, but will hang around for three more years, bouncing around with a 4.50 or greater ERA. Yes, it says all that between the lines.

Kazuma Okamoto – 2-for-5 and his 26th homer, 2nd homer in three games. Okamoto doing what he does best (as far as his MLB numbers are concerned).

Nathan Lukes – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. Lukes’s main attribute was supposedly a Hit Tool — capitalized, because it was legit. He is a plus on batting average if nothing else, that’s what they told us. I’m doing the rope-a-dope and you know I am. Well, Lukes was supposedly an average hitter in the minors, but he’s a career .259 hitter, hitting around .190 this month. All that is whatever, if he wasn’t also a seven-homer guy with zero speed. Why is he still getting at-bats? Jays might want to look at him as in: Lukes, you are my DFA fodder.

Daz Cameron – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Daz kween! No Hag’n Daz! Sounds like judging criteria in RuPaul’s Drag Race.