It’s week three and time to talk about a Pittsburgh starter who didn’t even win Friday night. I must really be stretching. Slow baseball day, you ask? Or is Oneil Cruz and his 3 months 25 more days until returning still on my mind? Neither, Johan Oviedo‘s seven-inning gem just blew my black and yellow socks off. He allowed just seven base runners (6 hits), one earned run, and struck out a career-high ten. JO held the Cards in check through the first five before Nolan (I always want to write Norman) Gorman hit an RBI single to break to tie. I know. I know, Pirates. But the slider is absolutely filthy. Like 8th inning ballpark restroom filthy. Dude is rocking a 30% CSW on the year, and seven of the 13 swings and misses Johan induced last night were on the slider. Oviedo posted a 31% whiff rate against his former team, and while it’s too early to quote super nerd stats at you, the breaking pitches, ie the curve ball and aforementioned slider have both seen a significant uptick in velocity from last year, and he’s throwing them 70% of the time resulting in a 33% chase rate. He also has a fastball that averages around 97 mph, if you ain’t into the breaking stuff. Did I mention he also pitched superbly last week, holding the White Sox scoreless through 6.1 IP, surrendering just five hits and striking out five for his first win. All this for Jose Quintana? He’s got a 2.45 ERA through three starts, but the first start was at Fenway and that barely counts. He’s allowed just one run in 13.2 innings since with a 15/1 K/BB. Yes, please and thank you! He lines up to face the Rox at Coors next week and while I’d be wary of deploying him in the wrong matchups I’m watching him closer than HBO’s White Lotus. Mostly just the scenes with Sydney Sweeney, Alexandra Daddario and the Italian prostitutes. You never know what kind of clues you’ll find, hmm, better watch that scene again. Anyway, I’m Oviedo the moon with Johan, and while he may still be just a match ups play for now, he’s someone to keep your eyes on going forward–if only to watch that nasty slider.

Here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball Friday night:

Kenley Jansen – 1.0 IP, 1 hit, 3 K, SV (3). With the Sawx rocking the desperation yellow unis, Kenley struck out Mike Trout, Shohei Ohtani and Hunter Renfroe to end the game. Sweet sassy molassy! I guess someone’s still got it.

Patrick Sandoval – 3.2 IP, 3 hits, 2 R, 0 ER, 3 BB, 6 K. Sandy was a bit of a tough luck loser Friday night, but he also didn’t look his best. The only runs were unearned and a wild pitch and some costly errors took him out of this one. So he’s not completely blameless. He sees his ERA balloon to 1.23. Oof. Time to jump ship?

Rafael Devers – 1-for-3, 2 runs, HR (6). They could have given him a billion dollars and it still wouldn’t have been enough to save this dumpster fire that is the Chaim Bloom experiment from saving face. I miss you, Xander.

Anthony Rendon – 3-for-4, run, RBI. Also, committed two errors. We take the good with the bad with Rendon, but so far it’s mostly been bad. I sure have read a lot of headlines about this guy considering he’s only played five games. I think I’ve had my fill of Rendon media coverage for 2023.

Trevor Rogers – 6.0 IP, 5 hits, ER, BB, 7 K, 1st win. Mmhm. We knew this was coming. He wasn’t going to face the Mets every week. More amazing this was his first win since last July! I am sort of “in” on Trevor for the right price but it’s trends like “hasn’t won against any team other than the Nats since last May” that make give me pause. Still, he gets the Giants next week and I’d roll with it!

Jon Berti – 2-for-4, run, 2 RBI, SB (4). Berti led off with Jazz out and he now has four steals in his past five games. A little Berti told me Jonny stole 18 bags last June, so he’s capable of racking them up reallll quick, if ya know what I mean. I don’t know what I mean, but its certainly seems easier for him to do this at the top of the order.

Corbin Carroll – 2-for-4, SB (6). The Christmas Carroll spreading cheer in April! Do you hear what I hear? It’s a 40 steal season for my fifth round pick! God bless us, everyone!

Madison Bumgarner – 5.0 IP, 9 hits, 5 ER, BB, K. Lots of MadBums in Miami, I’d wager.

Edmundo Sosa – 1-for-4, HR (2). Ed-So with the oppo jack! Trea Turner, Kyle Schwarber, Nick Castellanos, and JT Realmuto all had two hits apiece but it was only Edmundo Sosa who could take it out of the ballpark. The Phiilies had 13 hits scored 8 runs, but again it’s Sosa that should be owned. Drop all those other guys for Sosa.

Taijuan Walker – 6.0 IP, 4 hits, ER, 2 BB, 4 K, 1st win. Taijuan made means quality starts. What did you think it meant?

Jose Alvarado – 1.0 IP, 1 hit, 3 K, 3rd hold. BUY. ERA at 1.42. Dude’s got 16 Ks in 6.1 IP. He’s the best bullpen option the Phills got by A LOT, yet it still appears they were using JA to set up for Kimbrel. Thank goodness the Phillies tacked on in the top of the ninth because I had several Baconators last night and my heart couldn’t handle a Kimbrel save opp.

J.D. Davis – 2-for-3, HR (3), 3 RBI. BUY. Hitting .300 over the past week, and started six in a row, a streak that will likely end this weekend as he banged himself up making a play in left. He is an intriguing option if he continues to see time in the middle of this lineup. What 3-4 combo would be more feared than J.D. Davis and Mike Yastrzemski? It doesn’t get more intimidating than that, folks!

Thairo Estrada – 3-for-4, 2 runs, HR (3) slashing .370/.420/.630. OK, now here’s a Giants bat (not to be confused with a giant bat) that should probably be owned everywhere. Now homered in back-to-back games and he’s leading off. I don’t know who your second baseman is but Thairo is an option while he’s playing above his head.

Javier Baez – 2-for-3, run, 2 RBI. After being benched last game, Javy gets his chance at redemption and now he will go back to being the worst fantasy player in the world.

Matt Vierling – 2-for-6, 2 runs, SB (2). SAGNOF, sure. But damn, I’m just not that desperate yet.

Sean Manaea – 3.1 IP, 4 hits, 2 ER, BB, 4 K. WTF happened to you? You used to be cool, Manaea. Or is most of this Gabe Kapler weirdness. Regardless dude is unownable right now. I’d rather own Matt Vierling.

Cal Quantrill – 6.0 IP, 6 hits, 3 ER, 2 BB, 3 K. Pretty yawnstipating start even with the tasty Nats match up. I’m not even sure I’d stream this guy *glances at Detroit on schedule next week* Oooh, don’t mind if I do!

Josh Bell – 2-for-4, HR (1). The first ding dong dinger for Bell! Only about two weeks late. We’ve got a lot of work to do to boost that .140/.267/.240. But this is a start, JB!

Luis Garcia – 2-for-3, HR (1). Pretty much one of the only Nationals I considered owning this year. Not to be confused with the other four Luis Garcia’s, this one plays second for the Nats and has had hamstring issues. I know! What’s not to love!

Lane Thomas – 2-for-4, SB (2) and C.J. Abrams – 0-for-2, run, 2 SB (3). Could the Nationals be our source for easy speed early in the year? I honestly feel like I’ve been waiting over a year for a game like this from Abrams. And he didn’t even get a hit!

Will Brennan – 2-for-4, run, RBI, SB (1). Looks to be on the right side (pun absolutely intended!) of a platoon with Oscar Gonzalez and I could see streaming him this week against Washington and Detroit if he keeps stealing playing time from Oscar and bases!

Nestor Cortes – 7.0 IP, 5 hits, 2 ER, 7 K. Nasty Nestor had some choice words for Clay Holmes (1.0 IP, 2 hits, ER, BB, L) after he blew his win, but it was mostly about how his Yellowjackets theories are trash and not really about the blown save at all.

Louie Varland – 6.0 IP, 3 ER, BB, 8 K. The eight strikeouts were a career high! What are they giving those Twinkies! Louie could be in line for a cherry start versus the Nats if Kenta Maeda can’t make his next start, and considering this start was at Yankee stadium you have my attention, sir. Own all the Twins starters!

Jhoan Duran -1.0 IP, 1 hit, SV (4). Meanwhile, Jose Lopez pitched a scoreless inning and struck out two. Is there a better bullpen in baseball than Minnesota’s right now?

Carlos Correa – 2-for-4, HR (2), 3 RBI. The 331-foot gimme. This is probably not a bomb in most other parks, but Yankee stadium is not most other parks. He also had a go-ahead two run dub. Definitely worth the entire $500 million the Twins spent on him.

Anthony Volpe– 1-for-3, HR (1). Lead off home run. Went back-2-back with Aaron Judge who hit his 5th. Me looking at Volpe leading off trying to add him everywhere but realizing he’s already owned in every league cause he’s a Yankee prospect and Yankee prospects are just better I guess? Still, if LeMahieu misses time Antman could see some serious Quantumania value at the top of the order.

Giancarlo Stanton –  2-for-4, HR (4). Big Sexy! After all these years you still do it for me. RIP to this poor baseball.

Jose Berrios – 5.0 IP, 4 hits, ER, 6 K, 1st win. I mean talk about due. The start against the Rays was daunting sure, but Berrios was looking at a trip to the disgraceful list if he didn’t get something done tonight.

Jordan Romano – 1.0 IP, K, SV (5). I feel like the Jays strategy in every game is to get the ball to JoRo with the lead in the ninth. It seems pretty obvious but damn if it doesn’t work.

Drew Rasmussen – 4.1 IP, 8 hits, 5 ER, 4 BB, 4 K. And the Rays historic win streak ends at 13. Cue the confetti! I’m old enough to remember when the Rays lost a game. But who would think all it would take to put the Rays in the L column was for them to play a team that is actually good? No offense to the Tigers, A’s, Nats, and Red Sox but these teams are not good.

Josh Lowe – 1-for-4, HR (3). Baby BUYs! Went back to back with Christian Bethancourt and we’ve got a post-post-post-hype sleeper on our hands. He’s slashing .333/.389/.727 with three bombs and a steal and got that former top prospect pedigree that makes us all think he could keep this up. Keep it up, JLo, Ben Affleck is counting on you!

George Springer – 1-for-4, HR (3). Springer has Sprung! George destroyed this ball. There will be a service held, check the Rawlings facebook page. This was the 53rd lead off homer of his career, putting him in some pretty cool company along with Craig Biggio and Alfonso Soriano. Now imagine if he could stay healthy for an entire season. The record is in reach! Not really. He’s got about 30 to go to catch Ricky Henderson.

Bo Bichette – 5-for-5, run, RBI slashing .391/.418/.641 . BoBa Chette hated that Lizzo cameo and has serious questions about the direction of the Mandolorian series but still has to admit the Red Knights look pretty darn cool.

Mike Clevinger – 6.0 IP, 1 hit, 0 ER, 5 BB, 5 K. I must say I did not see a Mike Clevinger resurgence coming this year. Thought this dude’s career was deader than a freshly murdered door nail. The 10 walks are troubling but those luscious locks are looking as good as ever.

Felix Bautista – 1.0 IP, BB, 3 K, SV (4). 15 Ks in 6.2 innings! He’s the best closer in baseball right now! I have no notes! Please don’t trade him!

Adley Rutschman – 1-for-2, 3 RBI, 3 BBs. He’s slashing .377/.492/.642 with four bombs and Adley is the best thing to happen to the Orioles since those delicious crab cake egg roles. Yeah, they’re that good!

Ryan Mountcastle – 1-for-5, SB (2). And he steals! I think Ryan just became my favorite first baseman. Besties forever now, no take-backsies.

Eloy Jimenez – 1-for-4, RBI. Well, at least he got through the entire game without an injury.

Brady Singer – 5.0 IP, 10 hits, 8 ER, 8 K, 4 HR. If I knew he wasn’t THAT Brady I wouldn’t have started him. I’m not sure what you expected versus Atlanta, but the Braves are on a mission this year to score all the runs in baseball.

Charlie Morton – 6.0 IP, 6 hits, 2 ER, 2 BB, 5 K, 2nd win. Nothing beats seven runs of support by the second inning.

Ronald Acuña, Jr. – 3-for-5, 3 runs, HR (3), 2 RBI. Daddys are so in right now and the Tildaddy is still the top daddy to ever dad. Don’t tell my dad I said that. Alt-164! I miss you so hard right now. Slashing .390/.463/.593 with three bombs, 11 RBI, 13 runs, and six steals! That’s what a top 5 picks stats are supposed to look like.

Matt Olson – 2-for-5, HR (5), 2 RBI. Austin Riley hit his 3rd, and Sean Murphy hit his 2nd, and Sam Hilliard hit his first. I mentioned the Braves are on a mission to score all the runs, right? Unless you’re Ozzie Albies of course.

Vaughn Grissom – 1-for-4, RBI. The Braves are generally very aggressive with their youngsters so for them to keep Grissom down for his defense he must really blow and lo and behold he committed an error almost immediately. Sure, he could be a liability on D but not if the Braves put up 10 runs a game.

Martin Perez – 5.0 IP, 5 hits, 2 ER, 4 BB, 4 K, 2nd win. The 2.87 ERA is nice but the 1.60 WHIP is pretty scary. Perez seemed to be a guy that hung out on waivers for months despite his 2.89 ERA, 1.26 WHIP in 2022. He’s just underwhelming and hard to buy into but he gets a sweet match up with the Royals next week so by all means buy in now.

Luis Garcia – 5.0 IP, 6 hits, 5 ER, 2 BB, 7 K, 2nd loss. Not the only Luis Garcia featured in the post today! Does that mean I only have to add the tag once? That will save me seconds! Nice!

Adolis Garcia – 1-for-4, HR (3), RBI. Marcus Semien – 2-for-3, 3 runs. Who needs Corey Seager, right? I do. I absolutely do. Come back, Corey, please.  I am dying out here.

Yordan Alvarez – 1-for-4, HR (4). Air Yordaaaann for foooooooooourrrrr!

Chas McCormick – He was a BUY but was pulled from the game with “vision related issues.” The eye doctor asked Chas what time he could see them, and he said if he could see them he wouldn’t need a checkup!

Ji Hwan Bae – 1-for-3, SB (4). Bae is BAE. He’s also a BUY. He’s leading off for the Bucs. He’s got four steals. He also plays three positions and that eligibility could be mighty valuable. If you need more than that we can’t be friends anymore.

Nolan Gorman – 3-for-4, 2 RBI. He’s batting .316 with 2 homers and 6 RBI in the past week and Psycho Gorman is turning into my best pick up of the year so far!

Kodai Senga – 4.2 IP, 7 hits, 4 ER, 4 BB, 7 K. Oof. Kodaichrome was not very efficient Friday night and even a 9 run lead couldn’t keep him in this one long enough to get the win. Disappointing since the match up was so juicy but he was still better than James Kaprielian (3.2 IP, 6 ER, 7 BB, 4 K). I’ll take the 7 Ks and be on my way.

Francisco Lindor – 2-for-5, Grand Slam HR (3), 7 RBI. Lindo with the grand salami! Starling Marte continues to mash as well going 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBI and his fifth steal. The Mets walked 17 times in this one, leading to a whopping 17 runs. I’m no baseball Mr. Manager, but if I’m managing the A’s I would think maybe walking so many guys was leading to all those runs scored? It’s not just baseball, it’s science! Check the stats!

Brent Rooker – 2-for-5, HR (4). If you need cheap power time to buy this dime store Rooker.

Shea Langeliers – 3-for-5, 2 runs, HR (3) 2 RBI. He was a BUY and if you need a catcher Sia suggests you swing from a Langeliers. From a Langeliersssss!

Rowdy Tellez – 2-for-5, 2 HR (5), 4 RBI. Time to get Rowdy! He’s got nine hits on the year and five are homers. Not sure if that’s a good thing or bad thing. Probably bad? Tellez had the choice to play for Team Israel or Team Mexico in the WBC. While Mexico turned out to be the much better team, Rowdy rubbed a lot of Jews the wrong way in the process. That’s not just a country you’ve probably never been to, you rejected an entire race of people, bruh. I don’t know if I can let that slide so soon and own him for fantasy. The rest of you can feel free to go ham though. Oh! Look what I did there! That time the pun was not intentional but I’m absolutely here for it!

Christian Yelich – 2-for-5, 2 runs, HR (2). I tend to draft very young (woah I sound like a groomer out of context) but every year I take a shot on an older-ish player looking for a resurgence year and this year I went with Yeli, who leads the league with 15 runs scored! Did I win? Should I have gone with Joey Votto again?

Eric Lauer – 6.0 IP, 5 hits, ER, 2 BB, 5 K. Remember when he was almost an absolute stud last year? Well, the velocity is down but I guess he can still take down the “MLB’s best offense” from time to time. As for next week’s start in C-Attle? I’d probably avoid.

Michael Wacha – 4.1 IP, 11 hits, 7 ER, BB, 3 K. The joke is on you Fozzy B if you started him! Wacha wacha!

Willy Adames – 2-for-3, 3 runs, RBI. Brewers scored 11 runs (ELEVEN) on 15 hits and are tied with the Braves for second most runs in the NL. The Dodgers are, shockingly, first in the NL, which makes me ask the question, “Who is scoring these Dodgers runs?” Even when the Dodgers seem bad they’re good. And here I am talking about the Dodgers in a Brewers blurb. See how they did that!

Justin Steele – 7.0 IP, 3 hits, 2 ER, BB, 8 K, 2nd win, ERA at 1.42. Not bad for a guy with literally two pitches. Justin Steele sounds like a superhero alter ego, a porn star, or a wrestler. Those last two are basically the same thing, though. If you read Razzball you read Grey’s Justin Steele sleeper so you own him so you have no complaints right now, right?

Kris Bryant  – 2-for-4, HR (1). The power of Kris compels me!

Jarred Kelenic – 2-for-4, HR (4), 2 RBI. Putting on Kelenic! It’s that he’s starting against lefties finally. It’s that he’s hitting .500 in the past week. It’s that he’s homered in four straight games. It’s that he hit this absolute tank to center last night. It’s that his dance moves are out of this world and it’s that way the stadium lights glisten off his perfectly symmetrical face. It’s these reasons and more that I’m falling in love with you, Jarred. And I just needed you to know that.

Yan Gomes – 3-for-4, 2 HR (3), SB (1). Gomes will have one hot week a year that will account for most of his stats for the season. This could very well be that week.

Max Muncy – 2-for-4, HR (6). My name is Max. My world is blood and fire! Dude is batting .400 with 5 homers and 13 RBI in the last week! You try telling me he’s not mad.

Noah Syndergaard – 6.0 IP, 6 hits, 3 ER, 2 BB, 9 K. This was less Thor being good and more the Cubs being bad? I trust me I gave Love and Thunder a real honest chance but even Natlie’s biceps couldn’t save that one. Thor’s gonna be a useful streamer on the Dodgers for sure but I don’t think peripherals are there to support the Dodger breakout we all want from him.

Nico Hoerner – 1-for-4, run, 2 SB (7). SEVEN STEALS! Yes, you make me Hoerner, baby! I hope you read that out loud in your best Mike Myers voice. Mine sounds more like Shrek.

Ian Happ – 4-for-4, HR (2), 3 RBI, SB (2) slashing .349/.481/.628. Should have held out for that Carlos Correa money! Without you, the Cubs would be Happ-less!

Dansby Swanson – 0-for-5, 5 K. If four Ks is the Golden Sombrero, a term that may or may not be racially culturally insensitive, what’s five 5 Ks? Any ideas? Should probably just make them wear a blindfold for the remainder of the game.

Seiya Suzuki – 1-for-5, HR (1). Hopefully, Kevin told you to get him in your lineup. Cubbies hit five homers in this one. Four of them came off reliever Andre Jackson in the 8th inning. Dave Roberts said Jackson could be “tipping his pitches.” Oh, is that what was happening? And how about leaving him in a 2-run game after surrendering back-to-back bombs immediately? My theory is Jackson had a friend in the bleachers who was just dying to catch a home run ball. “You know what, Andre Jackson’s friend,” said Andre Jackson to his friend, “I got you, bro.”

Thanks for reading! Questions? Problems? Complaints to management? Advice, small gifts, or large bribes? Please leave it in the comments below. Join us next Saturday for another Friday recap as fantasy baseball continues next week, all week long!