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It seemed like a nothing move at the time. Just a transactional move that people would forget about within hours, if not minutes. Just ten days ago, the Nats announced they would be demoting Carter Kieboom. Then, before leaving town, Carter Kieboom watered down all the hand sanitizer. Now Patrick Corbin, Yan Gomes, Josh Bell, Brad Hand (ah HA!), Will Harris, Josh Harrison, Alex Avila, Jon Lester, Jordy Mercer and Kyle Schwarber are all on the IL, as the Nats recalled Luis Garcia and Kieboom. “Kieboom goes my flight to the minors!” That’s Carter Kieboom as he mixed a cocktail of Palmolive and Capri Sun into the hand sanitizer bottles. “These stupid straws!” That’s Kieboom struggling to get the juice out of the plastic-metal pouches. Wow, Kieboom is not being very stealth. So, it sucks if you had Hand, Schwarber, Corbin, Bell…Well, the guys there you might’ve had. Hopefully, they all return shortly. For all these moves, the only guy I grabbed in leagues was Tanner Rainey, who might now get saves, but Daniel Hudson is also there, so that’s a crapshoot too. “All these crapshoots and I should clean my hands…Hey, why does this soap smell like tropical punch?” Off to the side, snickering, “More like Crappy Sun!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. If he wasn’t going by the new name, Vax Scherzer, he might’ve needed to miss this start. Side effects: headache from opposing hitters taking you deep.

Trea Turner – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. After the game, he found himself needing to explain why he’s hitting solo homers. Treat Urner, just tell them to wait for the book. Living Solo: The Trea Turner Story. Foreword by Harrison Ford.

Orlando Arcia – Traded to the Braves. He’s my favorite Orlando, but that’s not saying much. After the Braves fed Yolmer Sanchez to Panda, they will now toss him Arcia and hope that satiates his hunger. “He wants to eat Dansby.” “No, we can’t allow that, we’ll make a trade!” This is truly a puzzling move for both teams. My guess is the Brewers were just done waiting for something and are moving on, and the Braves were short on backup gloves. Arcia was optioned to the alternate site, so he’s not helping anyone right now. Going the other way was middle men, Weigel and Sobotka. Would’ve thought they pick him up on the wire.

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. Tildaddy says you can turn off the oldies station and put on that Top 40 crap!

Freddie Freeman – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Okay, fine, 2nd round pick for too many of my teams, Freddie Freeman, I won’t give up on my teams after four games.

Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. Smyly is the new Charlie Morton who is now the old Charlie Morton. *GIF of guy pointing to his head*

Ryan McMahon – 4-for-7, 4 RBIs and his 2nd, 3rd and 4th homers. Hard Hittin’ Mark Whiten was sitting by his phone waiting to take a call from McMahon if he reached the four-homer milestone, but Whiten bought a SIM card for no reason. Whiten reigns supreme! If you’re having Siri read you that last sentence, you didn’t just stumble into 8chan.

Sam Hilliard – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. As he was rounding the bases, Bud Black came out of the dugout asking for Hilliard’s bat to be inspected for pine tar, not believing this guy he’s never heard of before could homer.

Chris Devenski – 1 IP, 1 ER and the blown save. Next up, Ginkel? Crichton? It’s a closercopia. Gotta grab the whole horn, and hope one of the apples isn’t rotten.

Fernando Tatis Jr. – Hit the 10-day IL. I want to coddle you and say this is great news. Let’s have a bake-off and share your mammie’s muffin recipe with the world in celebration. The Padres say all he needs is rest and relaxation and rehab, uh, tation. Woo and hoo. Yeah, it’s not good. He takes one terrible swing and he’s going down again, or one bullet-train-throw to first. Maybe he comes back and he’s 70% of himself, which is 100% better than waiver options, but my guess is he returns, goes down again in a week or two after, and goes for surgery. We shall see. A further annoyance is Ha-Seong Kim will now get everyday playing time, and all the people who drafted him in deep leagues are being rewarded for bad process.

Dinelson Lamet – Threw a bullpen and “looked good.” Hey, serious question, did the Padres hire the Mets’ ex-trainers?

Yu Darvish – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.22 vs. Aaron Sanchez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. This matchup was billed as Yu, Dirty Sanchez, and all people who look like James Cagney got in for half-off if they brought their moms. Any hoo! Aaron Sanchez is a Streamonator call, and Yu’s a must-start.

Sandy Alcantara – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.50. But, guys and five girl readers, you have to draft a starter high. Don’t ya know? You can’t trust starters you draft around 130th overall on average. Sorry, this Alcantara start didn’t really happen. It’s a figment of your imagination.

Dylan Carlson – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Not sure why, but as soon as the season started I became such a fan of Carlson. Day late, a Dylan short on teams.

Kevin Kiermaier – Hit the IL with a quad injury. Was he even playing? Meh, don’t bother answering. Manuel Margot (1-for-5, 2 RBIs) is the pick up if you need steals.

Tyler Glasnow – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 0.75. Not sure why, but getting a top five starter year from Glasnow feels inevitable and also impossible.

Christian Vazquez – 1-for-4 and a slam (1) and legs (1). A catcher getting a slam and legs? Talk dirty to me, you sack of potatoes!

Travis Shaw – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Damn, my 2019 preseason MVP call ain’t looking so bad after all.

Freddy Peralta – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 4 walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 0.00. I have a 12 in ERA in a lot of my leagues, and I haven’t gotten much of anything from my #1 starters. I say this as a brag I guess, but you really should be taking it as advice.

Omar Narvaez – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. I got a catcher scab and the only thing that’s gonna help is some itching!

Cody Bellinger – Tests showed no fractures or structural damage to his leg. Oddly enough, the tests did say he was pregnant. An IL stint hasn’t been ruled out yet. Think we need to continue our prayer hexagon.

Mookie Betts – 2-for-5 and a slam (1) and double legs (1, 2). Mookie Best!

Max Muncy – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .391. Wouldn’t a Max Muncy be Max Munciest? Hmm.

Edwin Rios – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. He’d be an All-Star if he were on the Pirates, but, alas, he’s not. Speaking of a Lassie…

Chris Bassitt – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.56. Bassitt’s starting like a bit of a dog, but I’d give him a bit more leash.

Trevor Rosenthal – Went to see Dr. Gregory Pearl, who gives all his lady friends beautiful necklaces. He might need thoracic outlet surgery, and Rosenthal’s gonna be done for the year. There’s only one guy who can stop this flood of bad news. It’s the Diekman.

Pete Alonso – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run. Albombso!

Dominic Smith – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run. What, and leave Kevin Pillar out of the lineup? That’s crazy!

Marcus Stroman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. Strikeouts weren’t there, but very little hard contact. Just a bunch of dinkers up the middle to Lindor or McNeil. Dinkers to Lindors to Mets’ fans thinking they have a chance.

James Paxton – Left with elbow discomfort. Sigh. It was a good…decent…oft-injured but solid-when-healthy career.

Lucas Giolito – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.22. Being an animal rights activist and a drunk, I wonder if La Russa ever struggled with having the hair of the dog. What does that have to do with Giolito? Literally nothing, but you know him.

Luis Robert – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he hit 2nd. A bell captain counts trunks upon trunks, suitcases after suitcases, begins to put tags on each piece of luggage. “You don’t have any liquids in these right?” “Oh, no, those are all my hopes and dreams for Tatis and I’m sending them to Lou Bob.”

Jose Abreu – 1-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and his 2nd grand slam. That prorates to 54 grand slams and 216 RBIs. Pretty solid year!

Zack Collins – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Between Mercedes and Collins, is every defensive-challenged White Sox prospect hitting except Vaughn?

Kyle Tucker – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and my overrated posts ain’t looking so good right about now, I will take a five-second nap and forget about it. *five seconds later* What’s everyone up to?

Carlos Correa – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, an opposite field bazinga off Raisel Iglesias. Carlos Correa: Professional 9th inning hitter.

Dylan Bundy – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.75. I briefly mention Bundy on the Donkey Teeth/BDon podcast I guested on, which should be up later today. He’s one of the few pitchers who made a noticeable improvement in 2020, and I’m completely invested.

Mike Trout – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. This is pretty awesome:


Bo Bichette – 2-for-4, and two solo homers (1, 2). Did they deaden the ball with juice?

Nate Lowe – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and two homers (2, 3). 9-RBI Lowe is now up to 14 RBIs, and I will continue to monitor this until Juan Soto passes him, please don’t let it go until August. Also, could the Rays have actually gotten the weak side of a trade against the…Rangers? Any hoo! If he’s available in your league, sweet, N. Lowe should be on your team.

Nick Solak – 2-for-4, 1 run and 2 steals (1, 2). I know everything that happens in the five months of the preseason is thrown out within two games of the season, but I did write a Nick Solak sleeper.

Dane Dunning – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks. Another guy I liked this preseason that I think most people ignored. Even with his last name sounding like a dramatic prairie dog sting. Shame on you.

Ian Kennedy – 1 IP, 0 ER and the 1st save. I guess Bush will be setting up Kennedy, like J. Edgar Hoover is managing the Rangers.

Tyler Naquin – 3-for-4, 7 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer. Not gonna lie, I grabbed Naquin in one league a few days ago, then grabbed him in another league a day or two after, then dropped him in one of those leagues because I was like, “Have I lost my mind? I’m trying to fill in for Eloy…not get arrested for rosterbating.” Looks like I rosterbated too hard, and now I’m going blind with and without this hot schmotato.

Wade Miley – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks. Reds jumped out to a huge early lead, and Miley cruised out to the Ivictory Coast for a free night’s stay at the W.

Phillip Evans – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and he pitched a scoreless inning. Geez, I don’t hear any Ohtani comparisons.

Casey Mize – 4 IP, 1 ER. He looked good in the box score for the 1st three innings, so what happened in the 4th? I turned on the game. My b. Streamonator hates his next start, and I wouldn’t mess with him.

Nelson Cruz – 3-for-5 and his 3rd homer. After his home run, he told a few teammates where he was when he first heard Archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot.

Byron Buxton – 1-for-2 and his 3rd homer, as he came in as a pinch hitter. I’ll say it for you, sonavabench!

Aaron Judge – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Truly, I’d love to see Judge and Giancarlo stay healthy all year. It would be good for baseball, and I’m fine with not having them on any teams, but you think the sight of Tatis swinging and missing is gonna be scary when he returns, every single swing by Judge (and Giancarlo) looks like something is gonna break.

Gerrit Cole – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 1.46. Okay, but if that was Roger Clemens, he would’ve also named 13 kids with the letter K, so color me not impressed.

Jay Bruce – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Short porches are for lefties in Yankee Stadium and Altuve on a car lot.

Rougned Odor – Traded to the Yanks. The Yankees got their Tie Domi. Finally, someone for the Yankee fans to scream, “This guy fawkin stinks” and really mean it.