Little Zebby Baked Up Some Snack Cakes This Week

Could Zebby Matthews (8 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.58) of the Matthewsses be having himself a star mitzvah? Let’s see the background on him: His real name is Daniel Zebulon Matthews. Honestly, smart move to go by Zebby. Zebulon is out of this world on its own. If he went by a one-name moniker of Zebulon, he’d be part of an apocalyptic cult or a electronica DJ. Mean’s while, Dan Matthews is a guy who works at Dave & Buster’s and is constantly telling people, “No, my name is Dan and I work at Dave & Buster’s. It’s not Dave working at Dan & Buster’s nor is it Buster working at Dan & Matthews.” You think anyone named Dave or Buster ever worked at Dave & Buster’s? Hmm, interesting query. Any hoo! Zebby was an 8th rounder in 2022, and has a wipeout slider. His BAA on the slider is .193 with a 35.7 Whiff%. His curve is actually working this year too: .175 BAA and a 35.4 Whiff%, but that’s a new thing. Prior, Zebby had a great slider and meh everything else, while looking like a 4.25 ERA pitcher. If he has a plus-plus slider and curve? Twins might’ve unlocked something from Zebulon, and I’m drinking the Kool-Aid. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Walker Jenkins – 0-for-3 as he hits 9th. Just because a guy just got called up doesn’t mean he’s the 9-hole hitter and worse than, oh, I don’t know, seven of the eight guys above him.

Luke Keaschall – 2-for-3 and his 9th homer. Just went to look at my preseason projections for him when I called him a sleeper and I am el-oh-elling pretty loud and might even roll on the ground. I had him projected for 16/32, and he might be lucky to get to 11/20.

Cade Cavalli – 4 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 3 BBs, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.12, but hit by comebacker on Saturday, and is day-to-day, so I’m wondering why he could stay in for one more inning so I could’ve got the win. Is Grey getting wonderful not allowed? Is it because he talks in third person? He’s got questions, y’all!

Andrew Alvarez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.47. Kinda like Alvarez, but Streamonator says his next one is at the Dodgers, so no thanks.

Otto Lopez – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .305. Ha, joke’s on all y’all who said Otto retired in July. Told you he was playing. [looks at his 2nd half numbers: zero homers, .235 prior to yesterday] …okay, so sorta been playing.

Blake Snell – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.42. Snell only has to work six weeks a year and he still looks like he’s on two hours a sleep a night. He’s got eye bags that would make Droopy Dog be like, “Why so down?”

Tyler Glasnow – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.79 vs. Framber Valdez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.36. Big time matchup as we all envisioned in March, and then thought we were stupid for envisioning it for the last five months.

Teoscar Hernandez – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Wow, he’s so done and dusted. If anyone drafts him before 200th overall next year, they’ve been in a Turkish prison for this whole season or not paying attention (only options).

Keider Montero – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.24. Streamonator doesn’t like his next start, but (and this might be a sad story) I have no choice but to start him in some leagues, so giddy up!

Jake Bennett – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.27. Ja-Be, Ja-Be, and I hope you like Ja-Be too. His walk rate is 1.7. Not bad at all for a rookie in his first 93 2/3 IP.

Roman Anthony – 2-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. I’m not a fan. Honestly, I’m not even sure what the attraction is. I’m pretty sure if he looked like Devin Mesoraco, no one would care. I’m not even joking. I saw national sports accounts posting about him hitting a double yesterday. Oh-kay, who cares? (Devin Mesoraco receiving a Google Alert, “Oh, c’mon, man! Leave me alone!”)

Trevor Story – 2-for-3, 1 run as he was activated from the IL. So, he, unlike Roman, could be valuable for a month of games.

Ranger Suarez – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.64. Should have better results going against that Yankees team. You can’t let Au Shizz and Heliot beat you. Only thing worse would be letting Jazz beat you, who rides the Coltrane to the stadium and sucks.

Max Fried – 3 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.80, as he returned from the IL as a middle reliever. No, I’m kidding, he’s an Opener now. No, I joke. I don’t know what he is. Prolly a human. I’m very stoned. Can you tell? I’m kidding, I don’t do drugs. Say no. Don’t “just say no” though. Have other words and use them.

Heliot Ramos – 2-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 1st homer as a Yankee in almost exactly a month of games. A guy gets traded and you think there’s going to be immediate benefits, and instead you’re on the phone with your insurance provider trying to get them to cover you.

Will Warren – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.16. Would, as in the future of Will, not be shocked to see Warren break out next year, but to say it’s obvious from his numbers would be lying.

Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer. Au Shizz!

Jose Caballero – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, as he homered off a position player and I do my bi-monthly rant. If a team wants to bring in a position player, that’s fine, but if they give up one run, the team should have to forfeit the game. They’re no longer trying, it’s a wrap.

Austin Wells – 2-for-2, 5 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homer, hitting .184. Also got the position player, and Jovani Moran, who sounds like a jeans designer. “Ooh, are you wearing your Jovani Moran’s to dinner? I better go put on a stain-free shirt.”

Shane Drohan – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.75. It feels like it’s already last week of September with some of these lines. Drohan threw 99 pitches, and went five innings? Cool, as said by John  Oliver. This was a Streamonator call though, so thanks, robot.

Dustin May – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.69. That comebacker that hit him in his last game knocked him back to the pitcher he was on the Red Sox last year.

Cal Quantrill – 6 IP, 3 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.01. Quantrill is 31 years old, had a 6.04 ERA last year and has around the same xFIP this year, so, no, I don’t think his 3.01 ERA will last.

Ezequiel Duran – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. Someone should mention to Wyatt Langford he’s being out-performed by Ezequiel Duran. By a lot! Duran is easily the best hitter or pitcher for fantasy value on the Player Rater from the Rangers.

Nick Martinez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.99. Never thought I’d see the day when Nick Martinez might be a 3.00 ERA pitcher. Seems too good for that. (Yes, I’m trying to reverse jinx.)

Juan Soto – 1-for-3 and his 22nd homer, as he was activated from the IL on Saturday. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I shouldn’t get in trouble at work for saying to the hostess at TGIF’s, ‘Now, that’s a Hostess cupcake,’ unless I work at TGIF’s.”

Francisco Lindor – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer. Comatose Mets Fan wakes, “Soto and Lindor both going deep? Ya know, I’ve been Conk City for the last five months, but I spoke with God and he said, ‘You are our strongest soldier and I will reward you with a Mets World Series this year, so I’m sending you back.’ Mysterious ways, right? So, how many games are we in 1st? Hello? Why’s everyone tiptoeing out of my hospital room?”

Zac Thornton – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.93. “Ooh, if we’re getting that from our, what 7th starter? Wow!” Okay, Comatose Mets Fan, maybe take a nap.

Nolan McLean – 7 IP, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.06.  If McLean ends the year with a sub-3 ERA, color me impressed, as he had a 4.03 ERA as late as June 24th. Maybe the Mets can trade him for Javier Baez for a playoff run.

Jeremy Pena – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, and 2nd homer in four games, and third homer this week. Can’t wait to draft Pena in 2027. If he’s going at 100, I’m at 99. If he’s at 90, I’m at 89. If he’s at 70, I’m like, what happened to 80?

Drew Rasmussen – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.95. His career ERA is 2.91. You must recognize how great he is! I insist.

Junior Caminero – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 37th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Juco Loco will be featured this year on Last Chance U. (If you get down with football: Sign up for our fantasy football subscriptions and make my heart hut-hut-hike.)

Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.14. Not bad for a guy wearing wetsuit bottoms.

Mason Miller – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 1.26, and has now been touched up in his last two appearances, and I don’t want to say it, but that might mean there’s an issue here. Adrian Morejon and Bradgley Rodriguez are great, that order if you’re desperate. It also might just be a hiccup, since the home run he allowed to Jonny DeLuca went about 314 feet and fell out of the left fielder’s glove to go over the 315-foot sign.

Jake McCarthy – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer. Could see him being underrated next year, because he’s doing well this year and no one seems to realize it.

Sean Murphy – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, 2nd homer in three games, but that’s mostly because he doesn’t play nearly everyday. Murphy’s Law: The worst things that could happen to his career have happened.

Tyler Mahle – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.25. That was one of my Streamonator calls from Friday’s Buy. T. Mahle ain’t just steamed meat and masa inside a corn husk.

Cristopher Sanchez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.52. He shut down the high-powered Angels’ offense powered by the 67-year-old Trout and Vaughn Grissom, who is their three-hole hitter.

Zack Wheeler – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.31. Good way to find your mojo is going against the Anaheim Angels of Still Anaheim.

Yusei Kikuchi – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.65. Figured it was nothing but one decent start, but then I looked at his stats, and he seems like a decent buy low, so he might be able to rattle off a few good starts in September, i.e., fool me once, shame on you; Yusei has fooled me a dozen or so times, so I don’t know what that makes me.

Edmundo Sosa – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!

JJ Wetherholt – Hit the IL with wrist tendinitis. He’s been saying, “My wrist, er, hurts,” and the Cards have been like, “We know your last name.”

Esmerlyn Valdez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, and 2nd homer in four games, hitting .244. Hitting a home run on a every-third-game pace would work with a .240-ish average, but I fear The Magician is more of a .200 hitter.

Gunnar Henderson – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 21st and 22nd homer, hitting .223. Didn’t think he could’ve been worse than his first half, but his 2nd half is proving me wrong. Thanks for keeping me honest! Maybe the A’s can trade for him so he plays all home games in Bing Bong and I won’t completely ignore him in 2027.

Coby Mayo – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer, 2nd homer in four games, and hitting 4th. Over the loudspeaker at a store, “Mayo’s cleanup now. Repeat, it’s cleanup for Mayo.”

Kade Anderson – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.50. Seem to have misplaced my excitement for Kade Anderson. It has my address on it. If you see it, please mail it back to me.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 6.16. If I were him, I’d hang ’em up after this performance. I’d be like, “That’s as good as I’m gonna be now. I’m Scherzer and I’m Max’d out.”

Alejandro Kirk – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. At first, I misspelled his name Alexjandro, and that’s the dopest name I’ve ever heard. If you’re reading this and you’re about to have a baby, run Alexjandro by your significant other. Don’t tell them where it’s from, because then they’re gonna say, “Your nerd friends are not naming our baby,” but if they don’t know, they’ll also think it’s dope because it is.

Kazuma Okamoto – 1-for-3,, 2 runs and his 28th homer, 2nd homer in three games. Honestly, I’m still stupefied how dope Alexjandro is.

Foster Griffin – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.21. Went to watch this game at the Griffin Observatory but they told it wasn’t possible. So, they have telescopes to see the moon but can’t see Cleveland? Oh, okay. Bunch of liars.

Parker Messick – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.46. He’s around top 25 on the Player Rater. Not for starters, for everyone! He’s basically been as good as Dylan Cease. Ya know, the guy who’s in the running for AL Cy.

Jose Ramirez – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a homer. Yes, he was on the IL for a bit, but guess how many homers he has. Bzzt wrongo! He has 11.

Nathaniel Lowe – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. Legit forgot he was on the Guards. Nathaniel keeping it on the down Lowe.

Seth Lugo – 3 2/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 5.03. Thorry, Seth, you thinks!

Andrew Abbott – 3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.49 vs. Kevin Gausman – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.52. It’s hard to get juiced-up on schadenfreude at how bad Abbott is when Gausman, who I’m stuck with, is just as bad. Damn, you Gausman, even ruining my schadenfreude!

Elly De La Cruz – Left the game with quad tightness. That’s turn around his 2nd half (by sending him to the IL and allowing you to pick up an actual hot hitter).

Chase Burns – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.79. Hey, did you hear, Burns was born in Italy. (If you didn’t know, you didn’t watch Sunday’s game where they said it about 25 times.)

Hector Rodriguez – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, and third homer in four games. Hot schmotato alert!

Tyler Stephenson – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Also, in this game, Sal Stewart (2-for-5) hit his 31st homer and Dane Myers (1-for-5) hit his 6th. Okay, as far as Hect-Ro being Reds hot, the wind was gusting out yesterday.

Shota Imanaga – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.01. If Shota was Eminem’s shot, he should’ve wasted it.

Pete Crow Armstrong – 2-for-5, and his 37th and 38th homer, and three homers on Saturday. Sammy Sosa told him before the game on Saturday, that PCA was going to hit three homers. Wow, steroids make you clairvoyant. Sosa said on Sunday I would say that. One of the all-time best lines from me was in my LABR draft recap. I made the entire draft recap about it too. The title of the post was even LABR Draft Recap: Foiled By The Max Bid. I wrote, “So, (PCA) was my first pick and I was playing around with the “max bid” button — it’s when you enter your top amount you wanna spend and it will keep bidding up to your max bid until someone outbids you — and PCA is down for $23.6 in the War Room, so I put in $21 and, lo and behold, nobody had him for more than $21 on their sheet, I suppose (so I got him). Honestly, I was surprised by that. Live and learn, as someone said after they totally screwed up.” And that is me howling at how dumb I am! I was pointing out PCA as my worst bid. In a league where I spent $19 for Pasquantino! My team is actually doing well, no thanks to me!