Matthew Wisler threw a gem yesterday — 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 2 Walks, 4 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.24. Or if you like portmanteaus and/or vomit — Matthrew up a gem. By the by, after anyone says their name is Matthew, do you always want to say, “Gesundheit?” “Name for the cup?” “Matthew.” “Wow, it’s allergy season, huh?” That’s me as a barista, a job I never had. I’ve actually held one real job in my entire life. I’m like Mark Cuban without the money. Since I own Wisler in more leagues than I care to admit, I watched the whole game. Prolly first time I watched one of my pitchers while listening to the opposing broadcast, but you cannot beat the Mets announcers for a broadcast booth or for stories about insane cocaine intake in the 80s. Wisler was dancing a 94 MPH fastball just at the knees, spinning a backdoor curve that had Neil Walker look more like Neil Statue. Duda? Go take a doodie, it’d be more productive than facing Wisler! Asdrubal? Well, he actually hit the ball hard. Quite a few Mets did. It was like, “Matthew! Damn, I think I caught something,” and the Braves would look up with a ball in their glove. So, Wisler’s performance last night was a gorgeous line, but I wouldn’t go near him outside of the deepest of leagues. In shallower leagues, Matthew? God bless you for last night, but I don’t need those tissues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mallex Smith – 2-for-4 and a slam (1) and legs (4). This might be the most unlikely slam and legs all year. Mallex looks like the love child of Dee Gordon and a piece of celery. Mallex is listed at 160 pounds, which means Pierzynski had one foot on the scale while they were weighing him. He does have multiple hits in three of the past four games, so he might be a hot schmotato.
Matt Harvey – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA up to 4.76. Reports said he was under weather at game time. Then during the game, he came under the reign of the Braves’ bats! Terry Collins said he was proud of Harvey’s gutsy performance, then rolled his eyes real hard. Then Harvey said, “I could’ve went another inning, but I’ll likely need to throw another 270 innings this year,” then stank-eyed Collins.
Pablo Sandoval – Underwent season-ending reconstructive surgery on his shoulder. He must’ve slept on it funny.
Carson Smith – 1 IP, 0 ER as he was activated from the DL. I grabbed him in my RCL league where top setup men can be a valuable commodity. Like frozen orange juice futures in Trading Places.
John Danks – Designated for assignment. You know who took this really hard? Gavin Floyd. He wrote on Danks’s Facebook page, “There is no emoji to properly express my sadness today, but let me try with an eggplant and donut.”
Avisail Garcia – Aims to return on Wednesday. Like a fish, I wait with bated breath.
Jose Quintana – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.40. Remember when you were drafting and you were like, “Meh, I don’t want Quintana. I heard Matt Moore’s doing well in the spring. I’m going with him! Nothing, ma, I was talking to myself!”
John Lamb – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks as he was activated to take over Jon Moscot’s rotation spot. Lamb > Moscot; Meat > Grape. I own Lamb in one NL-Only league. For now, in mixed leagues, Lamb’s baaaaaahd, and not baaaaaahd meaning good.
Adam Duvall – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .225. He strikes me as a poor man’s Bruce. I will call him John Mellencamp.
Billy Hamilton – Left yesterday’s game with a jammed thumb. Wait, I’m having a vision from the future, October Grey says, “25% of steals were down this year without Pollock, Gordon and Hamilton. Also, love the call by Trump to make The Rock his running mate.”
Jeff Samardzija – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.32. Samardzija: finally worth the keystrokes!
Justin Smoak – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. When Smoak gets hot, fire’s not far behind, and in a flash — hot schmotato.
Martin Perez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.60 vs. Marco Estrada – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.64. This was a matchup of two guys that are only great when you don’t own them. Yes, they know when you pick them up. I don’t know how, maybe it’s the midi-chlorians in their blood.
Rougned Odor – 2-for-5 and his 4th homer, to go with his 4 steals. Something about a 20/20 pace that is so yawnstipating but so valuable from an MI that you just have to keep telling yourself it’s for the greater good. Greater good of society? God no! Greater good of your fantasy team.
Shawn Tolleson – 1 IP, 1 ER and his 2nd blown save, ERA at 5.73. Sam Dyson’s been lights out, so the Rangers should switch it up, but will they? Well, in that nugget is the earth, moon and stars of SAGNOF! I looked to grab Dyson in all of my leagues, but he was owned.
Matt Szczur – Hit the 15-day DL. But my hunt-and-peck typing just nailed the Szcz! Come back, Lil’ Szcz!
Jason Heyward – Sat out again with a sore wrist. He says he won’t return until he can hit at least a 45 MPH grounder right to the 2nd baseman.
Jake Arrieta – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 0.84. I watched a portion of this game to see Arrieta firsthand. Yeah, he’s unhittable. Not overpowering like a Kershaw. He looks to be pitching to weak contact. Like he knows exactly where he wants to attack each hitter and then goes after them. Vs. righties his BAA was something like .080. Insane. For fantasy, I’d still prefer a guy with 10+ K/9, but hard to argue with efficiency that would make Dilbert swoon.
Jon Niese – 5 IP, 6 ER. He got the hook early. At birth, actually. Man, that schnoz.
James McCann – 0-for-3 as he was activated from the DL. This moves Salty back to the bench, so I guess McCann becomes a *pinkie to mouth* Salt substitute.
Justin Verlander – 5 IP, 7 ER. I’m guessing Kate Upton doesn’t own her fiancé in fantasy.
Ian Kinsler – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .317. When he got back to the dugout, him and Ausmus did the Jewish high five, which is a handshake while complaining about your back.
Josh Tomlin – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.13. Damn, even the pitcher on the Indians that wasn’t supposed to do anything is pitching well. Imagine if the Indians had acquired some hitters this offseason… *wavy lines* Drew Carey is throwing out the first pitch…Where am I? The World Series? Wait, I’m at the Indians Fantasy Camp in December? This dream of the future sucks. What happened with the playoffs? What do you mean, ‘Was I living in a cave?’ No, I’m imagining the future and I went too far in advance. *wavy lines* Wow, worst dream ever. Tomlin has a sub-1 BB/9, which is gorge, which comes after a 1.1 BB/9 last year, so it’s not fluky. He is an 87 MPH fastball guy, so I can’t get too excited, but if the Stream-o-Nator likes him, as it does in his next start, I’d get on board.
Francisco Lindor – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, while nearly hitting his 3rd homer, driving a ball to the wall with a broken bat. Not regretting drafting him in the 5th round of drafts this year. Like Emeril would never say, I got no rue, baby, no rue.
Ryan Braun – Sat out with general soreness. Major Pain was by his side, with his Privates below him.
Chris Carter – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homers. Where’s this coming from, you ask with those sweet, naive eyes. Um, he has 35+ homer power and he’s in a park that’s nearly as good as Coors.
Jonathan Villar – 1-for-3, 1 run and his 8th steal, and, like, his 10th steal in the last five games. Cougs, the first Valentine’s Day card I ever sent you that you framed? Take it down, I want to make it out to someone else.
Jonathan Lucroy – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Damn, he’s on pace for six homers this year. That’s huge (for him).
Luis Severino – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. Don’t worry, soon Girardi will be able to go to the bullpen in the 4th.
Alex Rodriguez – Will have an MRI on his hamstring. Always the optimistic, A-Rod said it’s not all bad, when in the MRI machine, he can see his reflection.
Zach Britton – Could return this week from his sprained ankle. With this enthusiasm about returning from injury, Britton’s showing a stiff upper lip.
Chris Tillman – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 9 Ks, ERA at 2.81. His velocity is up, his Ks are up, his walks are about meh, his xFIP is 3.85. So, yay, YAY, no yay and bleh. Talk about hard-hitting analysis! He feels like the type of pitcher that helps AL-Only teams to championships while being hard to stomach due to his matchups in mixed leagues. Would I pick him up in a 12 team mixed league? Short answer: no. Long answer: nooooooooooooo.
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers (7, 8). He hit the hardest homer of the year at 112.9 MPH. They should have a pre-All-Star Game contest where Trumbo hits a ball and then Yasiel Puig tries to out-drive it.
Matt Moore – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER. The Regression Fairies need a neighbor to water their plants, they protested a kebab place named, “Flamers,” and they will wreck your ratios.
Curt Casali – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Thanks to Mesoraco and d’Arnaud, Curt Casali is the starting catcher for Grey’s Scout team. Oh, and that team is doing hideously. Coincidence? Methinks not.
Joc Pederson – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, hitting .269. This homer was vs. a lefty, which was, like, his 2nd start all year vs. a lefty. Dave Roberts, do the managerial equivalent to stealing a base in the playoffs and let Pederson play every day.
Howie Kendrick – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. Howie like me now!
Yasiel Puig – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. This was his second and third hit in the last week, which had him batting .050. C’mon, haza, fly straight!
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-1, 1 run, 2 RBIs, but didn’t start yesterday with a thumb bruise. He originally bruised it in Anaheim, then jammed it in Seattle. Damn, his thumb is like the ‘merely a flesh wound’ guy.
Alcides Escobar – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 7th steal. He had a three-hit night two nights ago, and this is your official hot schmotato alert!
Ben Revere – Expects to return this weekend. If Denard Span immediately gets hurt, I’ll now it’s some Parent Trap-type prank.
Anthony Rendon – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Sonavabench! Jesus Alou, this guy! I had him in my weekly lineup for the month of April when he had one whole RBI and nothing else, and two days after I take him out. I’m Rendon’d helpless.
Jayson Werth – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer, 2nd homer in the last four games. Could be getting hot, but I wouldn’t pick him up either, so I don’t blame you.
Daniel Murphy – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .376. Ah, now he hits homers off the Royals. Where was that last October? Why don’t you bobble a ball while you’re at it? Oh, he did that too. Again.
Tanner Roark – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA up to 2.35. This looked more like a game I’d expect from Roark, but, don’t worry, he’ll go face NL teams again soon, especially some of those NL East ones. Yummers!
Jean Segura – Didn’t start yesterday due to a hip issue. Never stopped Huey Lewis.
Jake Lamb – Didn’t start yesterday with a minor shoulder issue. First, Moustakas doesn’t start, now Lamb. If there’s run on tzatziki, I’m calling shawarma.
J.T. Realmuto – 1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI as he hit leadoff. He had a leadoff double in the first inning and it briefly appeared that Mattingly made a smart move, then the universe swatted down that notion as it will to anyone that shaves their mustache.
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and his third straight game with a homer. OZUNA learn from batting coach, Mr. Bonds. OZUNA wait for his pitch. OZUNA hear pitch many times about ‘natural’ supplements.
Christian Yelich – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I slo-mo’d the replay of his homer to see if they showed his MILF mom in the crowd, but alas. And I don’t mean his mom plays MI and LF.
Justin Nicolino – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 0 Ks. The guy who showed up at the park with the K placards was annoyed, but in Miami that same guy is also the head usher, hot dog vendor and bat boy.
Patrick Corbin – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.91. For those that missed it, I gave up on Corbin after his previous start. This start does nothing to make me regret that.
Aaron Nola – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.93. Ya know, when the Phils get six new hitters (minus Franco and Odubel), they might not be that bad.
Charlie Blackmon – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. As a Blackmon, he likely just wants to get out of San Diego.
Robbie Erlin – Will have Tommy John surgery. Maybe the doctor can switch his E and N too, Robbin Earlie just sounds more like a ballplayer name.
Brett Wallace – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. See, Keith Law was totally right to name him a top 20 prospect in 2010.
Matt Kemp – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer. I hear between innings Kemp cuts letters out of magazines to send ransom notes to other teams to see if someone will save him.
Danny Santana – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (1) and legs (4). Yes, you should pick him up. Yes, terday.
Byung Ho Park – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. Fun fact! R. Kelly’s 4th album was almost titled, “Take Young Ho to Park.”
Trevor Plouffe – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I like this, could be very useful,” and we pull back to reveal he’s looking at fake vomit, “Could get me out of work early.”
George Springer – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Springer or Trout? I know, sounds ridiculous, but I’m not sure it will at the end of the year.
Tony Zych – Lost to rotator cuff tendinitis. Guess that means the M’s now have Tony Zilch! Right?! Huh?! Come here and high five! Where you going? Guys? Five girls? Hello?
Leonys Martin – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Shame he’s hitting under .200, though that could change, so it’s worth a little cyclops action.
Kyle Seager – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Taking him forever to get his average up (.181), but I’m confident it will happen. As confident as someone who doesn’t own him can be.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.03. Hisashi mi dashi, slurp SLURP! Though, I’m still concerned about his health, and wouldn’t want him.
Robinson Cano – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer. Okay, I get it, you found your power stroke. It’s not nice to rub things like that in people’s faces, ask Peyton Manning’s acquaintances.
Khris Davis – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. All he does is hit homers, and that’s all right by me.
Sonny Gray – 7 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 4.84. FIPpin’ ain’t easy.
Danny Valencia – Started rehab at High-A Stockton. Fun fact! Stockton, California borders Malone and it’s known as the Jazz Belt, and the best sushi place in both towns is the Pick & Roll.